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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Furious with teacher!

302 replies

Pilesofironing · 19/08/2016 20:49

DH and I both missed calls from the school while at work today. They had tried to reach us after school ended. DH was left a message which was from the Deputy Head explaining that DS had been given into "a tiny bit of trouble " and had become really upset, disproportionately so. He was letting us know as he thinks DS may be a worrier and my be subdued over the weekend. He suggested that we don't question him about it in case it makes him more upset.
Of course I questioned DS. He is 10, and yes, he is a worrier.
So this is what had happened....
During a Drama lesson the class were asked to take it in turns to go up to another member of the class and say " I love you ". They were instructed that they must choose a member of the opposite sex. So far so cringey for the average adult never mind 10yo. So my DS, who does have a very advanced vocabulary, said "Of course. None of us are lesbians!" I am actually impressed that he has an idea of what the word means. The class teacher wasn't impressed. He told DS that he was being inappropriate and sent him out of the class! DS is a stickler for rules and has never been in trouble at school. He was sobbing, couldn't eat lunch. In fact he was inconsolable. He must have been so confused about what he had done wrong.
So I am furious! Planning to call the school on Monday and raise concerns about the actions of the class teacher. I feel that his homophobia is far more inappropriate than the use of the word lesbians by a 10yo in a reasonable context. AIBU??

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 20/08/2016 11:26

my last post was not aimed at the OP.

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 20/08/2016 11:42

Thought it was just me Boney...

OP you sound very sensible and are going about this absolutely the right way. If what he's taken away is that lesbian is a 'bad' word, obviously that's not good!

Good luck, and I hope your DP gets better soon Flowers

Original poster
Pilesofironing · 20/08/2016 11:43
Grin
OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 20/08/2016 11:43

Drama lessons can be painful for any shy/anxious child but can be beneficial to gaining more confidence IF they are not expected to do something so cringeworthy and embarrassing. I think that excersise is inappropriate for their age group, there are many other excersise that could be used.

Yes your son was inappropriate, imo not by what he said but by shouting it out in the manner that he did, but the teacher also over reacted.

george1020 · 20/08/2016 11:54

I'm not sure how posters can't see that what the child said was homophobic, now he may not have understood that it was a homophobic comment and after he had been sent out then it would have been a perfect opportunity for the teacher to discuss it with him but he was obviously acting up trying to be a clown to the other kids and said something that the teacher had to show zero tolerance to.

I'm sure most kids have had a bit of back chat and tried to impress their fellow class mates it happens and the teacher was right to send him out.

I don't understand why you would need to have a chat with the teacher? Are you going to do this every time he gets told off throughout his school life?

I really think you need to address your child's reaction to this whole episode though maybe find some exercises online to help with your child's confidence and ability to accept criticism etc.

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 20/08/2016 12:00

I originally agreed 100% George but OP says her son thinks lesbian is a bad word now, I can see why that concerns her.

However I agree with you that it's frankly, bewildering that so many are trying to imply the teacher is homophobic and the child was making some sort of wide eyed, toddler type comment.

Original poster
Pilesofironing · 20/08/2016 12:06

I need to chat to the school about why my DS was so upset. They are also concerned so it would be the right thing to do.

OP posts:
CecilyP · 20/08/2016 13:13

I think we left the idea of the teacher being homophobic behind on page 2, SpecialAgent; in fact I'm not sure that anyone but OP thought it at all. I, however didn't think the teacher was very nice, even before OPs update. I assume it was supposed to be a fun activity; DS decides to join in the fun with his remark (crass though it is to our adult ears) and before he knows it he is in BIG trouble and out of the class. I think his upset may be a mix of disappointment at spoiling his previous good record and shock that it changed so quickly.

zingally · 20/08/2016 14:40

So what? Your son's behaviour was inappropriate, and frankly, he was a bit of a cheeky devil, and got a bit of a telling off for it.
Speaking as a primary school teacher myself, I can absolutely imagine how this went down, and kids that age are just getting to that age where they are more confident/full of themselves to answer the teacher back with daft comments.
Serves him right. Let it go.

BoneyBackJefferson · 20/08/2016 15:17

Cecily

The thing that even when its a fun activity, there are still things that pupils shouldn't do.
If the teacher has made a quiz, the children shouldn't shout out.
If they play football, they shouldn't kick the ball in other pupils's faces.
Rules (whether we like them are not) should be followed.

MindSweeper · 20/08/2016 15:30

Your child needs better coping techniques, seems odd that he was 'inconsolable'.

MindSweeper · 20/08/2016 15:32

Can't think of any p6 kids or younger who would properly understand different types of sexual relationships

Really Confused

HeddaLettuce · 20/08/2016 15:34

Can't think of any p6 kids or younger who would properly understand different types of sexual relationships

I have no idea what age p6 might be but a child of three can understand that some women are with men and some are with women, and some men are with men,in pairs. It is no way difficult for a child to understand.

Cheby · 20/08/2016 15:36

I've just re-read this thread OP (I didn't think YWBU anyway) but what is really disturbing me is this:

He was letting us know as he thinks DS may be a worrier and my be subdued over the weekend. He suggested that we don't question him about it in case it makes him more upset.

In what world is it ok for a teacher to try and persuade a parent NOT to talk to their child when they are upset about something? I'm sorry but that is a massive red flag for me, and I can't think of a single circumstance when it would be appropriate.

Propertyquandry · 20/08/2016 15:50

As an x teacher, I've seen this used in secondary school but not with 10yr olds.

Yes, the op's son was rude in his remark. But it's a ridiculous exercise to do with P6s or P7s. Not just that, but why bother making the rule that it had to be someone of the opposite sex? To make that distinction could be construed as homophobic.

Italiangreyhound · 20/08/2016 16:36

OP definitely look into why he got so upset.

I think it is this sort of embarrassing and unnecessary exercise that contributes to making school so hard for some kids.

If drama is to make kids more confident then it should feature things that will not automatically alienate some kids.

I'm sorry if hearing from parents is so unpleasant for some teachers.

I have a lot of respect for teachers but many people have said their kids would find this 'game' hard. Will teachers take note of that, or ignore it? Games are meant to be fun.

derxa · 20/08/2016 16:40

The teacher is a man in late middle age so experienced and certainly not a lesbian Grin

forcryinoutloud · 20/08/2016 16:59

I don't think this was a shocking comment from a 10 yr old, if he were mid to late teens then yes it's getting more inappropriate but at this age they don't have enough understanding of how people can be different and how to react appropriately.

In a perfect world the teacher would have done well to ignore and then have a chat with him afterwards. It does seem to be a bit of an embarrassing thing to ask 10 year olds to do though!

forcryinoutloud · 20/08/2016 17:05

He was letting us know as he thinks DS may be a worrier and my be subdued over the weekend. He suggested that we don't question him about it in case it makes him more upset. Mmmm, what's the preference, let an upset child stew quietly and be worried and upset? Just re read this, I'd be worried about a teacher who gave out that advice, since when is talking over a problem not good?

cheesychip · 20/08/2016 17:09

He was homophobic if anyone was - how does your son know none of them are lesbians - his implication would be that to be a lesbian would be wrong.
Teacher stamped it out, child needs to get over it.

forcryinoutloud · 20/08/2016 17:10

A lot of posters on here seem to be acting like OP's son went up to a girl and called her a lesbian, he didn't, he just made a remark that every 10 yr old boy I''ve ever known would make. I repeat 10 yrs old. He may have sounded cheeky, I don't know, but the actual words are not worth such a toasting.

There are plenty of adults out there who say much worse, a 10 yr still has a lot to learn. Give the OP a break, it's you flamers that overreact, as per.

crunched · 20/08/2016 17:30

Piles, interesting whole thread and some thought-provoking responses as ever.
It occurs to me that you have only heard about this event from your DS point of view and he is distressed by the events. I wonder if the Deputy Head suggested avoiding a postmortem over the upset during the weekend precisely because some 10yo may create a more dramatic series of events in their heads than the actuality...I certainly did at 10 and one of my DC was also very prone to doing this, and still does at 16.I am not suggesting your DS is lying in any way, merely seeing the event in a different way from that of a teacher.
IMO try and distract yourself and your DS from getting too embroiled over the drama lesson upset until you can hear another point of view from the school on Monday.
I admire your level-headed response to comments.

CecilyP · 20/08/2016 18:12

'Cecily

The thing that even when its a fun activity, there are still things that pupils shouldn't do.
If the teacher has made a quiz, the children shouldn't shout out.
If they play football, they shouldn't kick the ball in other pupils's faces.
Rules (whether we like them are not) should be followed'

But it wasn't a quiz where he shouted out the answers or a football game where he kicked the ball in someone's face. If the rule of this game was absolute silence except when saying, 'I love you' to your chosen partner then he did indeed break it. I don't know this game; is there such a rule with this game? The whole premise of the game seems to be designed to create a certain level of silliness in the players. I'm sure it would with adults, so why are 10 year olds expected to behave better.

BoneyBackJefferson · 20/08/2016 22:53

CecilyP

Previous Posters have said what the aim of the game is.

the rule that the child broke was being disruptive.

NanaNina · 21/08/2016 01:23

I think Crunched you are the first person to make the point that I've been thinking as I read through the thread - the OP has only heard her son's version of events. The reality could be quite different as is so often the case with kids as we all know surely?

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