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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder how attachment parents get some evening adult time?

225 replies

Ketchuponpizza · 19/08/2016 18:19

I am a little crunchy, We have four kids and I carry my babies in a sling, cloth nappy, co sleep, breast feed on demand, etc. My DH is supportive of this, but after 7-8 months, he wants the manority of his evenings/bedroom back, and some time with his wife. Fair enough, we need time to be a couple. And so, he does sleep training. I hated it every time, so he used to send me outside with a glass of wine. If they wake up in the night, he offers them water, they have a cuddle, whilst he explains that it is night time, they look outside at the dark sky, check the other kids to see that they are asleep, and he puts them back to bed. Anytime from 4:30 onwards, I bring them into bed with me, and stick the little one on the boob. (We always wake up with at least one kid in bed with us on a morning. We don't mind, we are a cuddly family).

Thanks to him, our bedtime routine runs pretty smoothly. The odd hiccup/difficult evening, but hey, they are kids.

Recently, on another group, a young single first time mum, wrote that she was really struggling/tired with her 7 month old, asked for no -judgemental, non-negative comments. I wrote about my experience, and that now bedtime is pretty uncomplicated. My comments were deleted and I was given my first warning from admin, as they don't promote sleep training, because it can diminish the BF experience, and doesn't comply with 'gentle parenting'.

This is all news to me. If you don't give kids a bedtime, how will they ever go to bed as a toddler? How do they ever have time to be with their husbands? Or even to just do the housework? (What I end up doing most nights!!!)

I feel so sorry for that new mum, alone, and being told the only way is to co-sleep, despite her exhaustion and lack of help.

OP posts:
HeCantBeSerious · 20/08/2016 20:26

Co-sleeping means in the same room.

Bedsharing means in the same bed.

I can't help but think some are using co-sleeping when they mean bedsharing.

BertieBotts · 20/08/2016 20:29

No, co sleeping is not the only AP compatible answer.

For a 7 month old it's very likely to be the overwhelming majority of answers but it isn't the only answer. Not everybody is able to "just meet their baby's needs" magically knowing every single approach to sleeping ever - especially when you're sleep deprived.

catkind · 20/08/2016 20:30

I don't particularly call myself anything as it happens, but I do sometimes find AP forums helpful for advice as I do a number of things in common with the approach. I can promise they have plenty to say about dealing with non-sleeping 7 month olds. Cosleeping isn't the end of the answer for AP parents any more than cot sleeping is the end of the answer for parents who use cots. What do you think they fill the forums with? "Cosleep. Sling. Bf. End of conversation."?

HeCantBeSerious · 20/08/2016 20:30

As for the science of it, here's something interesting.

www.naturalchild.org/guest/claire_niala.html

Tatlerer · 20/08/2016 20:35

Bashing AP is completely and utterly wrong.
Bashing parents who decide to follow a Gina Ford routine is completely and utterly wrong.
Bashing parents who co- sleep is completely and utterly wrong.
Bashing parents who sleep train is completely and utterly wrong.
I could go on... BF vs FF, sling vs pram, etc.
Do you love your DC so much that it hurts? Do you keep them safe, warm, loved, happy? Then brilliant, you are the best parent that your child could ever, ever ask for. And if anyone disagrees, they can basically fuck off. The end.

Dontyoulovecalpol · 20/08/2016 20:35

Well he can't be serious that article doesn't say much, but it does use the term co sleeping to mean sleeping in the same bed (which is how everyone else uses it)

Dontyoulovecalpol · 20/08/2016 20:36

Bashing parents who turn parenting into a lifestyle Though- that's ok. According to me Grin

catkind · 20/08/2016 20:39

HeCantBe, I think I have heard more people use co-sleeping to mean bed sharing than room sharing. As definitions tend to go with majority usage, that's probably what it means. So, I can't help but think you're saying co-sleeping when you mean room-sharing Wink

Batteriesallgone · 20/08/2016 20:41

turning parenting into a lifestyle

What about SAHMs then? Are they ripe for bashing?

Tatlerer · 20/08/2016 20:46

dontyoulovecalpol I hear you. I count women who preach the gospel according to AP and Gina Ford zealots among my friends. I make it my business not to offer any opinions/ advice on the whole matter unless expressly asked for!

Dontyoulovecalpol · 20/08/2016 20:49

SAHMs don't turn parenting into a lifestyle they just get on with it (unless they are SAHM who are also AP or GF followers obviously)

Batteriesallgone · 20/08/2016 21:01

I'm so confused. A lifestyle is where you live, what you eat, how you decorate your house etc isn't it?

Parenting affects all these things? Or am I the only one who bought a house because I wanted a family (otherwise I'd be in a flat), eat regular healthy meals at home (rather than no breakfast, rushed lunch and fancy restaurant for dinner), has safety proofed my house etc etc.

Becoming a parent hugely changed my 'lifestyle'...of course!

I had an abusive childhood. I have no readily available 'script' of acceptable inbuilt parenting reactions. I think about the way I parent a lot and I have made a lot of changes, physically and mentally, to be the best parent I can.

Hilarious.

BummyMummy77 · 20/08/2016 21:47

I'm with you batteries. I have to make very conscious efforts to be the parent I want to be as I wasn't brought up with values I hold important now. Being a parent has changed me hugely and I'm don't feel any embarrassment that our lifestyle has totally changed to accommodate being a good parent.

catkind · 20/08/2016 21:48

I think DontYou that maybe you like Tatlerer have come across some preachy AP parents. Preachy parenting is annoying. But that works both ways. It's also annoying to be preachy at AP parents about their approach being wrong. Telling someone who's looking for AP solutions that that's all wrong and they should night wean at 7 months could easily come across as preachy too.

I'm on the AP side of the spectrum, I get along just fine with GF fan friend. We don't tell each other what to do, we just get on and do it the way that suits us. And if I want advice about solving sleep issues within cosleeping, I go to an AP forum rather than to GF fan friend, because I know her solutions wouldn't suit me. There's nothing threatening going on here.

Susieqt · 20/08/2016 21:53

Lone parent who would classify as an AP follower, with a teething toddler, adult time is almost zero! My dd didn't go to sleep until half 11 the other night, but normally she asked for bed about 7 and is asleep by 7:30. We co-sleep but she's in a cot with a drop side up against my bed so she can choose where she sleeps, normal routine is she goes to sleep in her cot most nights (I think because she likes to fidget and me being with her gets on her nerves) but around 6am I normally get woken by a little hand on my face saying "mummy cuddles" and we do, until she wants to wake up. Once she's asleep tbh I'm knackered she's very active and non stop with no naps during the day so I usually get in bed next to her, so if she does wake up I'm there, and I'm normally asleep within an hour of her.
I just think she is only little for a short time and I want her to be content and feel completely secure, if I had a partner I may feel differently because I'd want to ensure we had time, but I don't so meh.. Tonight she had a bad dream and climbed in with me for a bit then tried to spread out, couldn't so climbed back in her cot, teething is well and truly fucking with her this time though, she's already whining so I fully expect her back with me for the night soon!
So to answer the op, adult time/alone time isn't a thing at all in my house, and I'm ok with that.

gillybeanz · 20/08/2016 21:56

I don't even know what attachment parenting is tbh. We never had flh words for things we just did what came naturally to us.
As long as you aren't abusing or neglecting your dc it's up to you to choose what works for you.
I have no idea why you were deleted OP, you'd think people would at least like to hear others experiences even if they do it differently.

FWIW with all 3 of ours they stayed in our room until 6 months, then went in their own room. Settled from the start and put back if they ever woke up/ got up when older.
Never allowed in our bedroom, completely out of bounds as that was what worked for us.

Babyzoo · 20/08/2016 23:33

It's so interesting reading all of these posts

I think in part what annoys me about labelling AP is that it sounds very all or nothing. It's as if people think you're either breastfeeding and cosleeping until 3+, in cloth nappies, baby permanently in a sling, or you're following GF routines from day 1, baby in their own room, putting your newborn into boarding school.

There is a middle road.

I must admit I think it's kind of crazy when people put their tiny baby in their own room but I also think it's kind of crazy to have a 3 year old sleeping on the sofa at 10pm.

I wanted my kids to go to bed at a reasonable hour so that they get enough good quality sleep and so I can watch an hour of tv. Still happy for them to sleep in my bed if they wake up in the night feeling scared or lonely.

Philoslothy · 21/08/2016 00:23

I don't call myself an AP but I know others would. We don't have 3 year olds sleeping on the sofa and AP is an umbrella term for lots of ideas so in reality most people do follow a middle road.

People are creating an extreme that doesn't ( or very rarely) exist and then criticising it for being extreme.

BummyMummy77 · 21/08/2016 00:40

I have to say all the bitching and judging doesn't actually seem to happen in real life. One of my best friends did cio with two of her kids and although it's not for me you know what? I mind my own fucking business.

Maybe everyone should do the same and spend more time worrying about parenting their own kids than worrying about how other people parent theirs....

HeCantBeSerious · 21/08/2016 00:47

Absolutely. We just do the things that make sense to us when it comes to our kids (usually based on quite a bit of research). My mum says she didn't have the wherewithal to question what she was told to do when she had me almost 40 years ago. I went into a cot in my own room when I came out of the hospital at a week old. I was put to sleep on my tummy (still do), breastfed on demand, spoonfed purees, left outside in my pram to nap. Wasn't allowed into their bed to sleep. We have quite a "detached" relationship that appeared once I hit about 5 and hasn't recovered.

She's completely different with my kids because she sees how it didn't have to be the way others told her it should be. Our kids bedshared from birth, didn't move out of the room until about a year and only for the first part of their nightly sleep. No baby bath - they bathed with us. No babyproofing - they were taught how to go down stairs safely as soon as they could crawl. Mostly cloth bummed and breastfed (via expressing). Not stopped from being toddlers, not punished, not forced to say sorry or to share (they chose to because that was what was modelled to them). They're lovely, well adjusted kids (7 and 5) who are easy to be around and a pleasure to teach (apparently).

Never set out to parent this way and never belonged to any parenting groups. Just did what worked for us and our babies. Just happens to be more along the lines of non-UK parenting than UK parenting. I'm fine with that!

catkind · 21/08/2016 08:47

Whoah HeCant. I think in that post you just did every single thing you told us you disliked. Talking down other parenting approaches, tick. Labelling, tick. "Non-UK parenting"? So basically the whole world except one little island parenting? Hilarious.

awfulpersonme · 21/08/2016 08:51

Um, I was bfed til I was 2, but also sleep trained and absolutely was punished if I deserved it and made to say sorry and share.

I cannot tell you how close I am to my mum. She's my best friend in the world.

Ketchuponpizza · 21/08/2016 11:24

What is Non-UK parenting?

OP posts:
HeCantBeSerious · 21/08/2016 11:59

Eg Mediterranean/European parenting - kids in restaurants late at night rather than in bed at 7pm sharp. Eg eastern/African parenting where babies sleep with parents and are mostly with them/carried etc. Children not expected to be mini-adults and are free to explore the world around them.

It makes sense to me!

Rainbowrhythms · 21/08/2016 12:01

kids in restaurants late at night rather than in bed at 7pm sharp.

Tell that to my baby! He's asleep at 6.30 whether I like it or not.

In a lot of European countries it's also ok to smack your kids btw.