To wonder how attachment parents get some evening adult time?

[Ketchuponpizza]

I am a little crunchy, We have four kids and I carry my babies in a sling, cloth nappy, co sleep, breast feed on demand, etc. My DH is supportive of this, but after 7-8 months, he wants the manority of his evenings/bedroom back, and some time with his wife. Fair enough, we need time to be a couple. And so, he does sleep training. I hated it every time, so he used to send me outside with a glass of wine. If they wake up in the night, he offers them water, they have a cuddle, whilst he explains that it is night time, they look outside at the dark sky, check the other kids to see that they are asleep, and he puts them back to bed. Anytime from 4:30 onwards, I bring them into bed with me, and stick the little one on the boob. (We always wake up with at least one kid in bed with us on a morning. We don't mind, we are a cuddly family).

Thanks to him, our bedtime routine runs pretty smoothly. The odd hiccup/difficult evening, but hey, they are kids.

Recently, on another group, a young single first time mum, wrote that she was really struggling/tired with her 7 month old, asked for no -judgemental, non-negative comments. I wrote about my experience, and that now bedtime is pretty uncomplicated. My comments were deleted and I was given my first warning from admin, as they don't promote sleep training, because it can diminish the BF experience, and doesn't comply with 'gentle parenting'.

This is all news to me. If you don't give kids a bedtime, how will they ever go to bed as a toddler? How do they ever have time to be with their husbands? Or even to just do the housework? (What I end up doing most nights!!!)

I feel so sorry for that new mum, alone, and being told the only way is to co-sleep, despite her exhaustion and lack of help.

If he hadn't taken charge, I don't know what I would have done? Oldest is 7 now.
Probably just carried on. I try to respond to my kids as much I can, but live in a different country to my family. Most of my parenting tips have either come from playgroup chatter in RL or reading threads on here. But I tend to just follow my gut instinct.

Have left the group now. Shall make sure I read rules properly next time! 😳

It was certainly harder in the earlier years.
They have each other to fall asleep with and they now know I leave the room, no need for sneaking, so it works

When DS was that age I started feeding him to sleep in bed and then leaving hI'm up there with a monitor in case he woke or moved around. Sometimes I was up and down the stairs all night but I didn't mind that much.

Other friends who were probably 'more AP' than me let their DC choose their own bedtimes and just generally did housework around them whenever and didn't really have a concept of separate adult time.

I'm not clear how me parenting my children in a certain way implies a judgement on your parenting at all babyzoo. :)

And yes co - sleeping doesn't work for everyone. But I'd say the expectation that babies sleep through and go to sleep by themselves in their own rooms from a really young age puts more pressure on patents than anything else. If you accept that babies wake and it's ok to go to them when they do it gets a lot less pressured ime.

Like anything it totally depends on each family. I discovered that I was "attachment parenting" after I had my first because I was basically following my instincts and then read an article on AP and realised it was basically what I was already doing.

It sounds like your DH was using some form of CIO sleep training which is pretty much the only consistent no-no for AP. You can be an AP parent who FF or BF, use a sling or a buggy, co-sleep or put baby in a separate cot but the one thing AP always has at the forefront is responding to baby's needs. Not leaving them to cry.

So, to answer your question about evenings, it really depends. Yes we put the kids to bed, older toddler now sleeps really well from 7-7 almost every night. Baby (who I feed to sleep and put in a cot until I come to bed when she moves in with me) wakes up a lot in the evenings so no we don't really have much of an evening for the first year. However, I know other AP parents who have had babies that go down much more easily in the evenings. It just depends. And you get used to it! I get about 45 mins between each wake up which is great compared to just a couple of months ago when she wouldn't go down at all so just basically sat on my lap feeding / sleeping while I watched TV and made DH fetch me ice cream. It does frustrate me sometimes but when she is upstairs I find I miss the snuggles!

I don't call myself an AP (I think the term is inappropriate and demonstrates a limited understanding of the concept of attachment) but I parent in a way that others would describe as that.

Like PP, I breastfeed and cuddle to sleep, put baby in cot, go downstairs and have grownup time. Simples. Usually do a dream feed and return to cot, then baby comes in with us when she next wakes and co-sleeps / feeds for the rest of the night.

fineline

What is CIO?

OP it's really about how long you're willing to sacrifice I suppose. I do all the stuff you do and hit a really bad stage at around that age too, but DD came out of it and now I feed her to sleep, she rolls into her side-cot and I bugger off (or when DH is working lates I stay in bed and watch tv). But you did what works for you and ultimately that's what you've got to do.

Cry It Out

It's not a judgment on my parenting and I didn't need to sleep train anyway.

But by labelling your parenting it implies that there's a right way and a wrong way. Both of mine were totally different and what worked for one didn't necessarily work for the other.

I'm sure that most parents respond to their babies needs it doesn't need a special name.

I'd take umbrage at being labelled 'AP' but I do bf at ten months, he sleeps in with us because well that's just how it ended up and he's a clingy little dude. I only don't use a sling because my back is fecked.

Look, FB groups like that are echo chambers. They've labelled themselves as 'parenting type X ..' And they think theirs is the One True Way. They don't want to her anything that challenges their world view and they will kick you out for suggesting anything they don't like. That goes for a lot of groups, from AP to natural health to BF.

So no, yanbu for doing whatever the heck works for you and your kid. Keep doing it, don't label yourself and just parent however works for you.

But yabu in a way because this could have been predicted. They don't want to hear nothing that goes gain at their One True Method.

(Resolves to make Dr.Hubble take babyhubble out for some stargazing...)

CIO is crying it out aka leaving them to cry themselves to sleep, not comforting at all. Different from CC - controlled crying - where you go in at set intervals to reassure them.

Attachment parent is just a label for people who should find something more to do with their life. Ridiculous

babyzoo I agree!
hubble Exactly!

I also guess, in my marriage, we have two very different approaches to everything. (We really are opposites in almost every way!) I try to respect his ideas as much as he does mine. As I am at home full time, I do have things my way, for most of the time. Letting him do this part, his way, seemed like a small price to pay for a happy, hands-on husband who absolutely adores his kids. (We also went out and bought an enormous bed so we could all fit in for snuggletimes!)

I am happy to hear that those of you who do AP/co-sleeping get to have some evening time! Thanks for explaining! X

I agree with Happyheart that it's a rubbish label but I suppose we define things by labelling them. My point is that I'm not making any judgement on anyone else's parenting I just do what I think this is right for my children.

Apart from CIO - I have massive judgey pants when it comes to that...

How old is your baby? What you describe is NOT attachment parenting because you did sleep training. Babies need their needs responded to rather than be "trained".

Depending on the age of your baby, you get that time in the evening when he/she is a bit older.

It sounds like your husband is doing what we were advised to by the hospital sleep consultant! Babyhubble is a bit of a cot dodger and we are seriously sleep deprived. Getting their dad at night means they still know a parent will come, they still know they're not left alone - it's just that Boob Lady isn't there at their beck and call. That's not harsh, even if there are a few tears along the way.
Sounds like you're happy and it's working. Carry on!

Labelling your parenting style doesn't imply there is a right way or a wrong way. That makes no sense at all. For me a label just means I have a way to find other vaguely like minded people to talk to. In the same way that I have some friends with similar hobbies or interests.

I've birthed two night owls. Luckily it's genetic as DH and I are also owls. Good job as you've got about as much chance of either child being in bed before 8pm (much less asleep before 9pm) as winning the lottery. Our evening starts around 10:30pm (holiday time) and we're up till 1:30-2am. During term time it's more like bed at 8pm and asleep by 9pm for them. As babies and toddlers they wouldn't go to bed till at least 10pm (but would then sleep till 10 or 11am). Works for us.

I mean, obviously I think the way I parent is the right way for my family, otherwise I wouldn't be doing it (within the bounds of learning new stuff as I go along, of course). Doesn't mean I think anything that anyone else does is the 'wrong way' for them. It might be the wrong way for me though. But that's ok, we all do stuff differently because different things suit different people, surely?

Parenting isn't really the same as a hobby though is it? And it isn't one size fits all.

I think that's what cheby just said?

And I totally agree that the label helps you find like minded people. Which is useful if you do want to ask for advice about sleep/waking/night feeding but don't want to sit through 45 people saying 'oh you should let her cry. We did and it took three nights of her screaming but now she totally sleeps through and it's totally worth it.' Which wasn't useful advice for me. But might have been for someone else. I guess.

Yes though I don't feel that I fit the criteria for attachment parenting. Yet everyone told me to let ds cry. Despite not wanting to it wouldn't have worked with him.

I got completely shouted down by a hcp for bed sharing with him, I was like what the hell am I supposed to do, he won't sleep otherwise.

I never intended to bed share but once I did I wouldn't have had it any other way. Hated everyone banging on about me creating bad habits.

But I don't feel that I have a particular parenting style.

babyzoo listening to your own baby cry is utter torture. I can't bear it, it drives me to absolute distraction. When my four were tiny, I achieved very very little, in reality. Besides cuddle them.

We are getting better (eldest is 7, youngest 15 months), but still, if little one needs me, we end up eating beans on toast A LOT (one handed cooking, whilst holding a baby. There's a cook book that I would buy!)