To wonder how attachment parents get some evening adult time?

[Ketchuponpizza]

I am a little crunchy, We have four kids and I carry my babies in a sling, cloth nappy, co sleep, breast feed on demand, etc. My DH is supportive of this, but after 7-8 months, he wants the manority of his evenings/bedroom back, and some time with his wife. Fair enough, we need time to be a couple. And so, he does sleep training. I hated it every time, so he used to send me outside with a glass of wine. If they wake up in the night, he offers them water, they have a cuddle, whilst he explains that it is night time, they look outside at the dark sky, check the other kids to see that they are asleep, and he puts them back to bed. Anytime from 4:30 onwards, I bring them into bed with me, and stick the little one on the boob. (We always wake up with at least one kid in bed with us on a morning. We don't mind, we are a cuddly family).

Thanks to him, our bedtime routine runs pretty smoothly. The odd hiccup/difficult evening, but hey, they are kids.

Recently, on another group, a young single first time mum, wrote that she was really struggling/tired with her 7 month old, asked for no -judgemental, non-negative comments. I wrote about my experience, and that now bedtime is pretty uncomplicated. My comments were deleted and I was given my first warning from admin, as they don't promote sleep training, because it can diminish the BF experience, and doesn't comply with 'gentle parenting'.

This is all news to me. If you don't give kids a bedtime, how will they ever go to bed as a toddler? How do they ever have time to be with their husbands? Or even to just do the housework? (What I end up doing most nights!!!)

I feel so sorry for that new mum, alone, and being told the only way is to co-sleep, despite her exhaustion and lack of help.

There's nothing wrong with the way you do it OP, but if all sites provide advice about all types of parenting it rather negates the advantages of being able to go to a site that's supportive of your choices. It's really unhelpful to go to a BLW site and half the posters are telling you baby rice is great, or an AP site and be told to sleep train at 7 months.

That doesn't mean there wasn't a bedtime, why would it? Though our bedtime was led by when DC naturally seemed tired, which for them was generally around 9pm. Settle DC down, go downstairs or to spare bedroom for adult time, what's the problem. In fact got much more adult time when we started cosleeping with DS, and with DD who coslept from birth, because it was far easier to get them settled at bedtime.

Luckily for us ds would at least go to sleep in the evening he just wouldn't stay asleep.

We would be called attachment parents, it isn't a label we would use.

Until about 9-12 months the baby falls asleep downstairs with us - if that is where we are. With the last few children we bought a sleepyhead. We then have time on our own from about 8/9pm depending on the child and the age ( we have had 6 together). When we go to bed they come up with us. After about 9-12 months we put them to sleep in our bed and when they drift off we come downstairs and have time together.

Yay another AP bashing thread.

I call myself an APer. Not because I think my parenting is superior or because I need a hobby. But because its a quick way of explaining why I do what I do when I'm asked. It also stops the "why don't you let them cry it out" or "you're making a rod for your own back" comments pretty quickly instead of having to listen to the same thing for the 100th time. Its just a label. If you don't like labels don't get one and don't feel threatened that some people use them.

I don't understand what adult time is. I think of going out to the pub or something. Currently I'm sat downstairs. Velcrobaby growth spurt/teething demon is now sleeping on the other sofa as I got bored of going up and down. I'm enjoying the Olympics and having some me time. When he isn't needing me so much I feed him to sleep in bed and then come downstairs but will go to him if he cries (quick boob and he's zonked). When brand new, baby would go in the downstairs crib until I went up to bed. When my older children were toddlers again they had a feed, and then went to their bed. If they wanted a feed at night they'd come into our bed. We don't have a bedtime routine but its never been an issue for us. I do housework during the day and my husband is downstairs with me for the majority of the evening so I spend time with him then with or without baby.

I used to be on my own with a toddler and a baby the whole week as husband worked away. Co-sleeping was the only way I got rest and sleep. I can see where the admin was coming from. I'm sure if the young mum feels judged or unhappy with the advice she is given she too can find a group that is more in line with her parenting and gets the advice she wants.

I got completely shouted down by a hcp for bed sharing with him, I was like what the hell am I supposed to do, he won't sleep otherwise.

I never intended to bed share but once I did I wouldn't have had it any other way. Hated everyone banging on about me creating bad habits.

Well welcome to the land of the label loving pod people babyzoo for truly you are one of us

We don't

And it doesn't bother us

Those fucking breastfeeding support groups made my pnd worse. They banned me. My crime was saying it was ok to go for a wee when your baby was sleeping. I got banned for this as it increases the SIDS risk.

Yet their solution to every sleep problem is co sleep which also increases the SIDS risk

I don't personally give a shit how other people parent their children, I just wanted some breastfeeding support without all the fucking sanctimonious bollocks. Like people saying ff babies don't thrive, they merely survive.

And the thing about sleep training being not responding to baby's needs always seemed a bit stupid to me. What if your baby is beyond exhausted and the reason they are crying is they want to sleep?

My boy won't co sleep, buggy sleep, sling sleep, rock to sleep, feed to sleep. If we hadn't done sleep training he'd have been miserable. IMO we were meeting his needs by helping him sleep.

Yet their solution to every sleep problem is co sleep which also increases the SIDS risk

No. This is widely misreported. Safe bedsharing decreases the SIDS risk. Unsafe bedsharing increases the suffocation risk. (Suffocation can be determined as cause of death whereas SIDS is where no cause is found.)

In addition co-sleeping means in the same room, not necessarily bedsharing. There are safe ways to bedshare too.

I wasn't arguing that co sleeping is unsafe btw, I was merely pointing out that their rules were hypocritical

I'm a bit like you OP...did some AP-type stuff for the first year or so with dc2 (co-slept, slung exclusively) but I found AP FB groups terrifying and I would never have dared to post about sleep training there. I admire your bravery!

In response to your original question, I don't think I had any evenings to myself for the first year but after that, dd started to stay asleep after I'd fed her to sleep and then I could sneak off. We were still doing that by the time she was almost three! Far easier than our routine now where she gets put to bed awake and then we have to answer her various summons for drinks, cuddles, small bedding adjustments etc...

I don't understand why attachment parenting means your baby can't have a bedtime.

AP tend to dig deeper with the cosleep stats to understand the subtleties because it fits in with their way of parenting. However they tend to he happy to just accept statistics on breastfeeding without further investigation or consideration of correlation rather than cause because again that fits in with their views on parenting. I say that as somebody who do sleeps, uses a sling, breastfeeds etc.

I think we all do that, twist the data to suit what we already think.

My babies have mostly used dummies, something said to reduce SIDS risk but often looked down upon by AP types.

Does attachment parenting HAVE to mean co sleeping? What if the next baby doesn't like co sleeping..does that mean you're no longer an attachment parent?

I don't understand why attachment parenting means your baby can't have a bedtime.

I suspect because people associate a bedtime with a set time that a baby/ toddler is put to bed away from their parents. It also can ( but doesn't need to ) imply a routine. At 6 months if not earlier most of my friends were putting their children to bed at a set time and often in a different room. For many months after that our babies are in the same room as us and drift of when they are ready.

Tbh on the AP Facebook groups anything which takes you away from your baby at all is automatically a bad thing

I am sure many APs are delightful and nothing like the online ones but those on the fb groups can be vile. I have seen some say ff mothers don't deserve to have children.

I feel the same navy...my five month old is asleep by 6.30 most nights (doesn't stay asleep but that's a whole other thread) and it's absolutely necessary for my mental health that I have some space to myself!

We're pretty much AP and ds2 doesn't have a bedtime and sleeps in our bed.

Friday nights are date night though so he sleeps in with his sister. It works for us.

I often have a glass of wine in the evenings. I suspect our evenings are very similar - only my baby is asleep next to me

platy this thread isn't AP bashing is it?
OP-
I bed-share co-sleeper makes handy bedside table / haven't sleep trained/ EBF/ Don't care for a label it's just what we've ended up doing / don't really get enough adult time sex and think this thread is really useful! Thank you for starting it....

Hadn't thought of BFding to sleep in the bed then sneaking off. That's genius!
DC is 5 months, would it be ok to BF in the bed then shuffle into to the side car? I guess that wouldn't be a SIDS risk but leaving LO in the bed would be...also, lot of sleep rolling going on.

7 months is a bit young (in my humble opinion) to begin sleep training if that is the route you choose to go down, it's not something I have ever decided to do

How does the 7m old understand "its still night time" and being shown the other kids sleeping?

I'm not as crunchy as my username suggests. First child was formula fed from 8w and slept through (of his own accord) from 10w.

DC2 is still breastfeeding and still cosleeping at 19m. It's becoming pretty difficult now but I'm still not wanting to sleep train. My choice and I don't judge people who do sleep train.

I feed DC2 to sleep and then we have some grown up time.

Not poss philo if your baby will only sleep in a quiet dark room sadly...

I don't think my DS got the memo on AP, he seems to hate everything he's supposed to need according to them Except boob. He loves boob.

I probably fit the criteria for an AP parent in some respects (baby wearing until about 9 months, long-term breastfeeding, co-sleeping), but I think it is possible to get an evening/ adult time most of the time.

When babies are very small, you just let them sleep on you/in a sling downstairs until your own bedtime. When they are older, you put them down to sleep in a cot at about 7-8 pm and then bring them into bed with you when they wake during the night. 2-3 year olds you can put to sleep in your own bed straight away, if you want to.

I co-slept with my 5 1/2 year old DD until she was about 3 1/2, when she went into her own bed with new bedding she had chosen. Since then she has slept 7-7 in her own bed, every night and happily goes to sleep by herself without any fuss.

AP doesn't mean babies/children don't have a bedtime. However, most AP parents would feed/ cuddle/ rock their child to sleep rather than use 'sleep training'.

Mine have all liked to sleep in a slightly darkened room, which I suspect most of us have in the evening when we out lamps on. Aside from ds1 who had additional needs they were not that bothered by noise. We were not shouting or making lots of noise but TV was on, normal chatter which in a larger family than the norm is never really quiet.

I have just been lucky I guess