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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to cry after being mocked for holding my knife the wrong way?

315 replies

kathybilbo · 18/08/2016 21:21

This is going to sound ridiculous, but I have just come back from what should have been an enjoyable meal and I can't stop crying about comments that a couple of people made about my 'manners'

We went for a small work meal, just a few of us, and we were having a nice time until one of the other people there said something like "we can tell who comes from a council estate" and nodded at me (I can't remember exactly what was said I was just shocked). One of the others, an older lady who I did think was friendly, laughed and said in a patronizing way "you're holding your knife the 'poor' way, dear." I had no idea what they meant, but then they said that I hold the knife like a pencil, not the 'correct' way, I can't even really describe it but I'm sure people can imagine. I completely lost my appetite and felt really embarrassed and humiliated. They have always been a bit pretentious and they like loudly proclaiming at work about articles they read in the telegraph or tv shows they watched on bbc4 but have never been personally insulting. When they were saying all this the waiter was around bringing some more drinks and even he nodded and laughed along, which I didn't think was that professional.

And at the end of the meal my colleague who had brought the whole thing up was running her thumb around her plate and licking it clean (licking her thumb and running it around).

I think I was in shock really for a bit and it didn't really register but now I've got home I can't stop crying and feeling really embarrassed. I have to go back into work tomorrow but I think I might just call in as I don't think I can face them again really. I almost think I will get self-concious every time i use a knife now, I think I will have to try using it the other way.

OP posts:
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StarryIllusion · 18/08/2016 22:17

Should have put it through her fucking eye. Like a pencil. No class. None at all.

trixymalixy · 18/08/2016 22:18

Oh that's hideous Kathy Sad. Your colleagues are the ones with no manners.

CaptainCrunch · 18/08/2016 22:18

Pfft Hmm

FloweryTwat · 18/08/2016 22:19

Answer the FB message with " and teach X not to lick her plate with her finger! Or maybe we should just be polite towards each other... Smile

Or tell them to fuck off.

I remember the tinkling laughter at my exbf house when they spotted that I eat with my fork facing upwards like a spoon. They had ridiculous airs and graces. They were lucky I didn't just use my fingers the twats.

MrsHandles · 18/08/2016 22:20

What a set of utter arse wipes!
I am assuming you didn't lick the plate clean or smush mash between your fingers, no? Try to forget their obvious lack of manners and never go out with them again.
Also, please don't let this make you call in, you need to go in, hold your head high and show them that you're above their taunting shit. Nob-gobblers.

SheHasAWildHeart · 18/08/2016 22:20

I would have just replied with something to say that I was proud of being brought up on a council estate (even if I wasn') because at the end of the day you managed to work hard and get the same job as them at the same company.
I grew up in one of the most deprived areas of the country, low employment, high crime etc etc, and if people want to judge me for it so be it, I don't hide my roots and my childhood made me the person who I am today. It gave me the aspirations to do well, never to look down on anyone (cos you can just as easily lose everything you have tomorrow) and always to treat others with respect. Your colleagues could do with learning some of that. I wouldn't go for dinner with them again and slowly one by one over time delete them from my Facebook. Although the thumb licking day would be deleted immediately!

RoughMagic · 18/08/2016 22:21

Don't you fucking dare avoid them. You have nothing to be ashamed of. What did you do wrong? You didn't hold your knife 'correctly'. Big fucking deal. She, on the other hand, has tried to publicly humiliate you not once but twice. I know who should be ashamed in the scenario - and sweetie it ain't you.

She is a twat of the highest order. She posted about it on FB? Seriously? How stupid and classless is she? I bet the majority of the poeople reading her status will be thinking 'twat' even if they don't say anything.

AnotherPrickInTheWall · 18/08/2016 22:21

How incredibly rude and shallow minded of them.
They are obviously "aspiring middle class" twats.
Don't be bullied by this kind of behaviour, just smile and nod in agreement and start looking for an new job.
Your colleagues sound toxic; I've worked with a few.

TheNewSchmoo · 18/08/2016 22:22

You're going to call in sick for a week because someone commented on how you hold your knife? Seriously?

user1471443882 · 18/08/2016 22:22

Please, you should go in. One word from them about it at work and union/HR for bullying, because by the sound of it that is what they are.

4andout · 18/08/2016 22:22

Yep bullies. All my dc hold their cutlery the 'wrong' way round. It's odd as dh and I hold knife in right and fork in left, but all 4 dc hold them the other way round.

I refuse to call it wrong. It's more comfortable for them so what does it matter.

Hockeydude · 18/08/2016 22:22

If you're not going to go in over this then you need to screen shot the stuff on FB and print it out in case you need it for HR. Why are you going to say as to why you're not going in?

toldmywrath · 18/08/2016 22:24

I've no idea how people hold their knives (& I don't know how I do hold my own knife when eating- I'm going into the kitchen after I've posted to check)

These people are arrogant rude knobs- ignore them & be glad that you have far better manners than them.

I wouldn't be too worried about the waiter, as he probably didn't realise what was happening & was just trying to appear pleasant (hopefully).

I totally get your feelings of upset & fear about tomorrow, but think of all the mumsnetters who are supporting you and just go in & get it over with. Do your cringing inwardly, you'll feel better once you've bit the bullet, so to speak. If you don't go in, you'll have it hanging over you all weekend and it really is no big deal. I don't mean that unkindly, I reckon if those twats have a conscience they will be feeling ashamed at their dreadful behaviour.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 18/08/2016 22:24

Go into work and act professional, walk through them. Never mix work with pleasure it never works out. Your better off going to work blind and not knowing how hideous they all behave.

Original poster
kathybilbo · 18/08/2016 22:25

I'm just going to say that I don't feel well, not make a big deal of it. Others are off for weeks at a time for no reason and with no consequences. I know it sounds bad but I had my notice all typed and ready to send in by email, I just really don't want to go back again. I know I need to though, I just feel that I need some time so hopefully it will be forgotten by the time I next go in.

OP posts:
KindDogsTail · 18/08/2016 22:28

You sound like a born lady, where ever you come from and how ever you hold your fork.

Who ever made those remarks, wherever they come from and however they hold their fork, are extremely bad -mannered and low.

Please do not be upset by them KathyBilbo. I hope you will go out again for a lovely meal with friends.Wine Flowers Smile

Sunshineonacloudyday · 18/08/2016 22:28

You go to work for money not to socialise you need to ignore them. What job do you do may I ask.

BonnieF · 18/08/2016 22:29

Holding your knife the 'wrong' way doesn't matter at all. Yes, it may cause some people to inwardly raise an eyebrow, and possibly draw inferences about your background, but so what?

Bad manners, unkindness and bullying, as displayed by your colleagues, definitely does matter. No decent person would ever behave with such appalling rudeness.

PacificDogwod · 18/08/2016 22:29

If you don't go in, they win further milage.
You are handing over power over you on a silver plate.

WyfOfBathe · 18/08/2016 22:29

Please don't cry OP Flowers

I grew up "middle class" but I never learnt all the rules about cutlery or napkins vs serviettes, etc. As a teenager I found myself around a lot of people who were truly middle class, and they often pointed out that I held my knife wrong, but I was never really offended - I just remarked that my way was easier.

Unless the colleague is generally rude, I guess that maybe she thought that you just saw it as a joke - but obviously it wasn't a very well thought-out joke.

turnipturnip · 18/08/2016 22:29

Manners don't show in the way you hold your knife but in the way you conduct yourself.

macromolecule · 18/08/2016 22:30

Kathy, they were very churlish to draw attention to you like that. Who even cares how anyone holds a knife anyway?

I bet that when you're on your deathbed, many years from now, you will never think, " I WISH I'd held a knife differently!!"

annandale · 18/08/2016 22:31

I hope you will change your mind and go in, and ring an employment lawyer to ask if you would have a case for constructive dismissal.

bananafish · 18/08/2016 22:31

Ah now - that's shame talking, kathybilbo, and you have no reason to be ashamed.

So what if you do hold your knife in a different way to a certain norm? How does it matter? Or make you in anyway inferior? It doesn't!

Eleanor Roosevelt famously said: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Whatever failing you think it shows - let it go. Put your shame in a little box and place it on a high mental shelf, locked away. And let it stay there, not troubling you.

These people are behaving very badly. You could always pull them up on it.. ...but I don't think you are in that place. Just be reassured that they are rude and in the wrong and you do not need to pay them any mind.

Mummaaaaaah · 18/08/2016 22:31

FFS just seen your post about their FB post. They really are the lowest of the low. I was brought up incredibly 'properly'. Mother went to finishing school etc. Whilst I appreciate good manners to me those extend far beyond knowing how to hold your knife and fork. These colleagues of yours are taking great pleasure in trying to undermine you. Probably as they feel they are somehow showing themselves to be better. Well they are not. It doesn't come classier than my mother and she would never ever dream of behaving so crassly. So. You bloody hold your head up high. You know in your heart they are sad pathetic and only doing this to make themselves feel better about some sad inadequesy in their own lives. Ok? You genuinely are classier than they.