To push DD to apply to Cambridge?

[AllieinWonderland]

So I'm relatively new to posting on mumsnet, but have been a long time lurker, so if I mix up the lingo a bit then apologies!
DSS1 got 9As 3As at GCSE, 4 high As at AS level, and is on track to exceed his AAA offer for Oxford.
Oldest DD achieved 13A*s 2As and a B at GCSE (the B in music - she had a panic attack in the exam and it was on a tape so she was unable to get the time back) and is looking on track for 5 high As at AS level in French, English lit, history, physics, and art. She is seemingly good at almost everything (triathlons at county level and has previously played and trained younger children in cricket and basketball, plays the cello, the xylophone, and the clarinet, won a local photography competition, always gets lead roles in an amateur dramatics group and solos in choir) yet has always struggled severely with self esteem, and focuses on the things she is bad at: sees her B in music as the end of her chance of going to good universities, can't bake or cook to save her life despite much encouragement and teaching, is awful at tidying (she is happy to do it but ends up gradually making more of a mess and gets flustered. Again, I've tried forms of 'teaching' and noting has worked). These latter two issues have led her to thinking she needs to stay at home for university and she is driving me mad by saying she'll go to the local university, which is really not a very good one at all, and the only others she'll consider are those with offers of "BBC" or below.
She has finally settled on studying English literature, and I took charge and booked her on open days at Warwick, Edinburgh, Cambridge, and Durham, and her school took the 'Oxbridge' candidates to Oxford for a trip. She hated Durham, didn't like Edinburgh, thought Oxford and Warwick were okay, but loved Cambridge.
In spite of this she is refusing to consider applying, says it's a waste of an application.
I don't want to push her, but I do want her to apply because she clearly loved it and is more than capable. All of her teachers have been saying it since before I can remember, and she reads almost constantly.
Aibu to try and change her mind?
Sorry for the lack of coherence here, my mind a bit of a mess!

I'm not saying she will be rejected, just that she'll be strung out waiting to find out she's failed for weeks.

And now that I've read your latest post, I feel like Bobby waving her red knickers on the railway track, trying to stop the steam engine of calamity.

All I can say is that if you pursue your route, this will end very very badly.

And in recovery from trauma "pushing" for results can be very counter productive. It takes the time it takes to a degree.

Pressure to "recover" can be retraumatising. There needs to be some acceptance that the experience changed the person forever, and they move on, healed, but forever changed. Not they somehow magically recover who they were, or who they were going to be.

Or she'll be in for months of waiting on high alert for a rejection every day.

Exactly.

Couldn't read whole thread, dredged up too much stuff.

Right, I'll tell you a horrible story about "pushy" parents.

DH got sent to a very austere boarding school at age 8. Extremely clever. He then won a scholarship to one of the top public schools. So much pressure was put upon him, he became mentally ill in his late teens.

Later in life, quite recently in fact, he killed himself. He felt he'd "messed up" through becoming mentally ill, and not becoming the shining star he was expected to become.

Be careful, very careful what you wish for your daughter. Accept her wants and needs, and listen to her.

Staying on the educational treadmill is the safe option. But actually she needs to deal with the panic attacks - focus on them will be much more important for her future then university whether that be Bradford or Cambridge.

All her achievements you list in your post will be utterly irrelevant to Cambridge with the exception of her AS grades which she doesn't know yet..Why not wait til Thursday when the A level results come out and see if she even IS Cambridge material?

I don't intend to go with her to results day - I didn't go last year or even give her a lift in! I don't actually mind that much about results because I know she's a wonderful kid either way.
We are very close, yet she is simultaneously very independent and sociable. The two are compatible - she's been out every day since we got back from our holiday to meet friends, and also chosen to spend her mornings talking to me.

I think that you need to stop trying to make her future better than her past.

I can understand why you want to do it, but only she can do that.

One last thing, then I'm done.

Tell her to log on to The Student Room. It's like Mumsnet for sixthformers & students. She should find some answers there.

Flashbacks shouldn't stop her from living her life.

But she does need to give herself time to process what happened to her properly, or it's just storing up trouble (a huge flashback, or series of them) at a very, very inconvenient time. For example, during an exam. As has already happened.

A string of flashbacks could equally happen during fresher'sweek. Or the first set of exams.

Healing from trauma takes not just determination but skill. There has been a huge amount of change in the area of trauma therapy in the last few years- strides are really being made now. (Sadly, in part due to the US military deciding that something had to be done about the number of soldiers returning from the Gulf etc with PTSD).

I wonder if all this focus in unis is about somehow trying to convince yourself that she hasn't been damaged by her experiences (inevitably she will have been but that's not your fault, and she can heal in time).

Perhaps my naming of the thread was an error, as I don't want to push her specifically to Cambridge, just to the degree course she wants at a university that suits her capability.

*BTW, he was (and still is) my shining star.

R.I.P. PP

Surely you can see that the reason she's considering less good unis is to take the pressure off herself? And you're disallowing that safety valve?

No Allie that isn't the problem.

It wouldn't matter if it was Oxford, the Sorbonne, UCL or Wolverhampton. It is the process by which the decision is being made.

RubbishMantra and for your DH

YYGloria on both counts.

RubbishMantra (((unmumsnetty hugs)))

you need to look at what your daughter's actions are telling you. She is not fine. She does not feel like she can cope with pressure right now. If you continue to put pressure on her (albeit did good reasons) she will break.

I would not be disallowing that safety valve - I have suggested various 'less good unis' and believe she should apply to a mix, with Aberystwyth having a BBC asking offer and a girl on our street getting an offer with significantly lower grades than DD. She knows she likes the town, and I know she is toying with the idea, but I don't think the other four she applies to should be 'worse' than Aberystwyth - or different courses as she is intending. I think she would be certain to get into universities asking for AAB or ABB, and a number of them are in places she knows and likes and in which we have family.

Maybe what you are suggesting is not enough of a safety valve perhaps?

I think the DD also needs to stop putting pressure on herself eg taking an extra GCSE when she already was doing/had done 15. It seems she/you are both so determined that her life won't be affected by her experiences you both have tunnel vision and are focussing only on Uni.

You say she's not ready to leave home. Have that conversation, not which Uni.

And stop teaching her to tidy and bake. Neither are critical skills if they're stressing her out.

Seems to me that she ought to apply for Cambridge. I know quite a few who have been there including one youngish lady who did that very subject and absolutely loved it. She was academically bright but she grew up in a rough area and from a poor background and was very apprehensive about applying but all the same went for it and found she fitted in very well. Yes there are some incredibly bright people go there and standards are very high but she was carried along by the sheer enthusiasm of the place and enjoyed her time there.

It does seem to me that she may well regret applying if she goes elsewhere.

It seems these days that they look more at the person than just the qualifications shes achieved, her other outside academia interests may well interest and impress them.

Anyway best of luck to her if she does:-)