To push DD to apply to Cambridge?

[AllieinWonderland]

So I'm relatively new to posting on mumsnet, but have been a long time lurker, so if I mix up the lingo a bit then apologies!
DSS1 got 9As 3As at GCSE, 4 high As at AS level, and is on track to exceed his AAA offer for Oxford.
Oldest DD achieved 13A*s 2As and a B at GCSE (the B in music - she had a panic attack in the exam and it was on a tape so she was unable to get the time back) and is looking on track for 5 high As at AS level in French, English lit, history, physics, and art. She is seemingly good at almost everything (triathlons at county level and has previously played and trained younger children in cricket and basketball, plays the cello, the xylophone, and the clarinet, won a local photography competition, always gets lead roles in an amateur dramatics group and solos in choir) yet has always struggled severely with self esteem, and focuses on the things she is bad at: sees her B in music as the end of her chance of going to good universities, can't bake or cook to save her life despite much encouragement and teaching, is awful at tidying (she is happy to do it but ends up gradually making more of a mess and gets flustered. Again, I've tried forms of 'teaching' and noting has worked). These latter two issues have led her to thinking she needs to stay at home for university and she is driving me mad by saying she'll go to the local university, which is really not a very good one at all, and the only others she'll consider are those with offers of "BBC" or below.
She has finally settled on studying English literature, and I took charge and booked her on open days at Warwick, Edinburgh, Cambridge, and Durham, and her school took the 'Oxbridge' candidates to Oxford for a trip. She hated Durham, didn't like Edinburgh, thought Oxford and Warwick were okay, but loved Cambridge.
In spite of this she is refusing to consider applying, says it's a waste of an application.
I don't want to push her, but I do want her to apply because she clearly loved it and is more than capable. All of her teachers have been saying it since before I can remember, and she reads almost constantly.
Aibu to try and change her mind?
Sorry for the lack of coherence here, my mind a bit of a mess!

But frankly if I'd discovered my father's dead body, came from a background which featured domestic violence, was having regular panic attacks/PTSD , was a desperate overachiever who couldn't cope with getting less than perfect grades, was having to adjust to my mother's remarriage and a bunch of new siblings, got hugely stressed about routine matters as such as tidying as well as the prospect of leaving home - and then someone said to me, 'Never mind dear, here's this book for you to read about a woman who overcame adversity. That will sort you out. '' I might feel rather as if I had a brain tumour which somebody was attempting to treat with a nice cup of tea and an aspirin

I agree, kinloss. And your summary of what the OP's DD - and her whole family - has been through (don't forget the forced pregnancy the OP mentioned in passing) shows just how far there is to go for this young woman (and the OP).

LRDtheFeministDragon also mentioned upthread the potential stress of some topics in studying English Literature. AS a very old lag in teaching EngLit at research-intensive universities, I add my voice to yours & hers: it's not to be avoided, and I have no truck with the whole "trigger" movement in universities, but sometimes one's rationalism & critical reasoning isn't quite enough to help one deal with intense texts close to the bone.

Sometimes, they help, sometimes one is too close ... The warning is worth making.

Thing is, when I'm assessing essays, exams, and presentations, I want rational critical analysis, not excessive empathy with the text "I can relate to this novel because I went through the same thing" is not English Literature at the professional level. So the idea that reading can be therapeutic makes me want to answer "Yes, but ..." and a very big "but."

I was so surprised they got AAAA i posted I thought they had made it up as a joke actually and I haev never fought shy of saying their brother is a post man. I don't particularly feel like a showing off kind of person actually. I tend to make others feel better by ponting out the inadequacies of my little darlings who seem to be some of the most laid back so and so on the planet. If they are actually getting finger out to work for A2s now 17 years in they realise work might lead to reward then that's all good news.

I love my children but like me and all of us we are riven with faults. No perfection here.

Yes 2016 8 A grades in one family
Bet they were in the local paper

We are in a bit of London with some of the best schools in the country so I suspect they are not as good as plenty of others, but even so I'm relieved they weren't joking when they told me the grades.

Plus Elton John was born there!

Oh splendide you mean Reg Dwight from Pinner

It must be a relief that Blyton's twins haven't inherited their mother's modesty. I was getting worried.

Yes modesty isn't always a good trait

Modestly is considerably over-rated.

Oh no not a 'B' !!!!! :-O

I expect your postman son was rather busy early this morning delivering the GSCE results to schools

Does your Postman Son get a nice tip at Christmas?

I wonder what a nice tip would be? thinks

We tried CAMHs but they seemed determined to label which was something she didn't want.

What label was that - if I may ask...?

MC1R they gave us a number of questionnaires that were clearly relating to various forms of autism (which she and I both filled in - we were given multiple separate ones), then fixated on her eating and insisted she wrote down what she was eating and continually talked to her about food, which made her freak out about eating when she'd previously not had a problem - just a small appetite, but I also have a small appetite, as does her sister. She then told me she felt the lady she was talking to was determinedly trying to push "depression" and "social anxiety" onto her. (DD certainly doesn't have social anxiety - is incredibly confident in social situations)

The lady was coming into school to talk to her, so DD requested she stop because she just felt the focus was totally on getting some sort of specific diagnosis.

The CAMHs in our area is renowned for being bad - we live on the outskirts of one of the poorest cities in the country, and every time we went to the actual building in which they worked there was a lot of noise from every other room, and toddlers being left to crawl around seemingly unsupervised? It just looked like it was in chaos to me.

OP I hope your DD has had a boost to her confidence after her recent exam results. Thank you for this fascinating post. I think you are definitely right to keep the Cambridge option active with her. She is academically well able for the University and she was very positive about her visit. The issues of University choice and support for her mental wellbeing may be better if each are considered separately. Reading the other posts it seems that just like your poor experience of CAHMS service in your local area sadly many Universities have not in the past, and do not now offer good support to young people suffering with mental health difficulties. There have been many experiences kindly shared on this post that confirm this. I therefore think it is worth discussing with your DD that wherever she goes a support system needs to be put in place - so for example your thinking that a university that has a trusted family member nearby seems very sound to me and also you ensuring that your DD has access to professional help (likely not provided by the University .... though you can investigate the quality of what is on offer when she makes her choices). Seeing all that is going on in the world it gladdened my heart that your DD is considering Peace Studies (this may be something to discuss in relation to a Gap Year .... though unlike others I believe if she does not want to do a Gap Year, despite all your persuasive arguments, I think it is in the end of the day her choice). Your DD sounds like a beautiful caring individual - and likewise you are a beautiful caring parent. I wish you both well.

Does it have to be Cambridge? There are other fantastic universities in the UK and abroad. She might even qualify for a Harvard/Ivy League scholarship with her grades and interests. But the other posters are right, it really should be up to her.

Dear Allie, having just read the whole thread I want to say that your love for your daughter really shines out. I think that over the years you have survived by getting over rough ground lightly, but have taken casualties along the way which now need attention. It is so hard as a parent to look back and think I should have seen this or done that, when at the time you were doing the best you could. It is very hard now to see that you might have done things better. I am going through similar regrets. You seem to me to be really reflecting positively and impressively. And also feeling sorrow but not denial. All good wishes to you and your daughter.
If she does end to going to university while still struggling, it may be well worth inestigating DSA (disabled student allowance which includes mental health) as it can provide a mentor for the length of the degree. I wish we had found this out for my crisis-ridden DD. My DS had it from day 1 and found it really helpful.