I plan to, when I get the chance, work out how to make this thread less identifying but make sure the valuable opinions and experiences, and information, are not lost. It may be deleting my posts, or it may be a case of getting out the dreaded laptop so I can go through and create new compilation posts, so that they're available to anyone who needs it. I don't want the responses to be lost because many of them are valuable, and others may need them. I was only thinking of myself when I discussed deleting the thread earlier - I was and still am in a bit of a state over everything.
I just want to quickly address the thread's initial issue - at no point was I intending on trying to push my daughter in a direction she didn't want to go. The word "push" was perhaps a silly one to use, and was referring to my persuading her to go for what she told me she wanted.
I do see what what she wants (which is English lit at Cambridge, though she believes herself to be incapable) is quite clearly not what she needs - despite her stellar academic record and crazy ability. She will be capable of doing it in the future if she wants to, just as she would be capable of going to any university.
I don't think universities that aren't Oxbridge or Russell Group are any "worse" than the aforementioned, and I honestly don't consider certain universities (Oxbridge etc) superior to those of a lower 'ranking'. I think they are simply different experiences, which different people are suited to and enjoy. My DD, as I am the one who knows her best, would almost certainly not fit in at Bradford University - which I know as a result of living nearby and subsequently interacting with many of the students, doing some work there, and knowing people who work there and hearing their take on it as an establishment, and the students they teach. Similarly I do not think a big city like Birmingham or Liverpool would suit her. This was why I opposed suggestions of these universities. It was not for snobbish reasons, as there are people who will do well and, most importantly, are happy at Bradford, and at Birmingham, and who will love their time there. My DD is just unlikely to be one of those people. I feel I failed to articulate in my stress at the high criticism and sense of failure and insecurity I was beginning to feel. I started to sound cold, robotic, and at times snobbish and unreasonable. I was simply stressed out and felt bombarded by posts, questions, and criticisms.
My initial post too, was poorly worded, as I failed to outline the key issue, maybe because I didn't realise it: my daughter's inability to see and accept her own potential, and identify with what a wonderful, kind, and capable girl she is. I have not enabled her to understand these things by stifling her, indirectly not allowing her to show her distress and probably confusion at her father's death because I was doing my best to withhold all distress and emotion, believing we needed to just move on with life. I did believe this was what was best for my family, and it (appears to have - fingers crossed) worked for her siblings, probably because they were younger, and probably because she was always the quietest, more sensitive child. I always remember finding her crying on the stairs at the age of five because she thought it was sad that her dad's mum was dead, even though she'd never met the grandma in question (died about ten years before she was born.
Lastly, I am not a pushy or controlling mum. I'm really not, this much I know. DD1 is high achieving and constantly partaking in extra curricular activities (usually to a relatively high level) by her own choice. DD2 (14) has chosen to partake in scrolling through YouTube and snapchat, and DS (15) to be engrossed in the world of girls. DD3 (10) is more like DD1, so I will be careful to try and avoid her having to face a decline like I've stupidly (stupid stupid STUPID is all I can think) caused for DD1. DD4 (6) is feisty, and not very good at the whole listening/sitting still gig that school requires of her, though she tries. We'll see what happens there.
I am simply describing this to prove the point many disputed and accused in the early stages of this thread: I have allowed my children to become their own people, and am proud of and love them all equally, no matter what their academic, sporting, musical, social achievements are.
That feels soppy to write, but I think I'm generally not soppy enough. Something else to work on in the ever growing list.