To push DD to apply to Cambridge?

[AllieinWonderland]

So I'm relatively new to posting on mumsnet, but have been a long time lurker, so if I mix up the lingo a bit then apologies!
DSS1 got 9As 3As at GCSE, 4 high As at AS level, and is on track to exceed his AAA offer for Oxford.
Oldest DD achieved 13A*s 2As and a B at GCSE (the B in music - she had a panic attack in the exam and it was on a tape so she was unable to get the time back) and is looking on track for 5 high As at AS level in French, English lit, history, physics, and art. She is seemingly good at almost everything (triathlons at county level and has previously played and trained younger children in cricket and basketball, plays the cello, the xylophone, and the clarinet, won a local photography competition, always gets lead roles in an amateur dramatics group and solos in choir) yet has always struggled severely with self esteem, and focuses on the things she is bad at: sees her B in music as the end of her chance of going to good universities, can't bake or cook to save her life despite much encouragement and teaching, is awful at tidying (she is happy to do it but ends up gradually making more of a mess and gets flustered. Again, I've tried forms of 'teaching' and noting has worked). These latter two issues have led her to thinking she needs to stay at home for university and she is driving me mad by saying she'll go to the local university, which is really not a very good one at all, and the only others she'll consider are those with offers of "BBC" or below.
She has finally settled on studying English literature, and I took charge and booked her on open days at Warwick, Edinburgh, Cambridge, and Durham, and her school took the 'Oxbridge' candidates to Oxford for a trip. She hated Durham, didn't like Edinburgh, thought Oxford and Warwick were okay, but loved Cambridge.
In spite of this she is refusing to consider applying, says it's a waste of an application.
I don't want to push her, but I do want her to apply because she clearly loved it and is more than capable. All of her teachers have been saying it since before I can remember, and she reads almost constantly.
Aibu to try and change her mind?
Sorry for the lack of coherence here, my mind a bit of a mess!

you would report your thread and ask mn to remove it.

Thank you OhYouBadBadKitten! Seems odd that you can't just delete it if you started it???

I think mn would get very confusing if threads disappeared willy nilly. mn only delete under certain circumstances.

Why would you post on the internet if you just want to waste everyone's time by deleting it? That's really rude.

I don't think asking for deletion is rude at all, just sensible. No-one has to post, and there's a lot of personal information on here.

DH went to Cambridge, he had a breakdown there, it has ruined his life. Just so you know.

OP, only just seen your thread. I'd suggest your DS takes the exams first and then takes a gap year and makes a considered decision when she is not under pressure.
My DS 1 had recovered from a serious illness and was very shy when he went to Oxford, he hadn't had many close friends at school and found the over confident students he met to begin with rather intimidating. I found the female students who looked like super models sitting smoking on the steps outside his hall a bit intimidating too! he soon settled in, found a few quiet geeky types like himself to mix with and became far more self confident over 3 years, though we did leave him entirely to his own devices over this. At Oxbridge there is no "type" they all find their own little niche and the support is good. I think your daughter just needs the pressure taking off, a year of doing something else might be very good for her.

It's not rude to ask for the thread to be deleted.

It's not here for our entertainment it's here because the OP was asking for advice.

OP, I hope you can weed out the helpful responses on this thread. To be honest, I don't think it's the 'formal' style of your writing that is the problem. I think it's the actual issue being discussed. It's quite an extreme and scary situation.

At first I was convinced it was a troll thread as it seemed so far fetched and your responses sounded so silly.

I'm not sure whether to congratulate your DD on her results..... I wonder if it might have worked out better for her to have any Cambridge aspirations taken out of her hands. .

I thought the point was to give advice? I have and still am taking advice on board, and I will bear in mind all that advice in the future. I don't see what is selfish about deleting the thread? How is it wasting time if the advice is taken on board, listened to, and used?

BTW. I bet MNHQ will delete it for you

Because there may be others reading a thread who find it valuable. Honestly OP your lack of ability to think about alternative viewpoints is astonishing.

I was always using the thread to gain alternate points of view and advice. I'm not sure what else I was supposed to be doing?
I didn't realise this was 'parasitic', and I'm sorry to have offended.

I think the results have been a bit of a boost for her. I'm accept it's an extreme situation, I don't think I even saw it that way to begin with. I think you become accustomed to things, and I may have become a little indifferent as a result. It seemed neither extreme nor scary to me to begin with, though having read back and taken a step back and a good look at the situation I realise it is all rather risky, and I shouldn't have let it get to this stage. I didn't see what I was doing and I subsequently have a lot of regrets.

I'm sorry it seems exploitative, I just found all the mental health advice incredibly useful, and thought there may be more to come.

I do see why you might see this as selfish, and it may well be selfish, I just want I rectify the mess i seem to have made.

If there is a way to just delete certain posts I will do that?

Just click on the report option - top right of each post, and explain to MNHQ that you feel those posts are a bit too identifying.

I'm surprised you seem so blasé about the effect your DH's death had on your daughter! My dad died a few years ago - we weren't that close and he wasn't a great dad, but I was still devastated despite being in my mid-30s and his death not being sudden (he had cancer).

Also, your parents and family didn't approve of you leaving your marriage even though your husband was physically abusive to you, but they were happy for you to remarry (quite quickly) a man you're not really in love with, so you could look after his four children while he worked abroad... Resulting in doubling the size of your household and (presumably) less time for you to spend with your eldest daughter and deal with her MH problems. Have I got that right?

I never outlined to my family, indeed to anyone that DH was abusive. I saw it as a reflection of my ineptitudes. Please don't flame me for this, I know I dealt with it badly, I know my attitude was wrong.

I am not quite so blasé in real life, just trying to stay calm on the Internet, but I have tried my best to make life go on. My parents have since passed away, and my relationship with my current DH was not so much a 'romance' but a joining of friends - we have been friends since the ages of about 12 and 14, and went on holiday together during our adolescence. We lost contact a little but after both experiencing hardship in our marriages reconnected and decided to make the move based on what was best for our families. It was, and still is, a partnership that works, and I kept my children very much in the loop and they have not once seemed unsettled by the process.

Maudsley is a national centre so take ftom all over

I try not to let things affect me, perhaps to a level that it has affected my children. I know my daughter's different reaction is justified and makes sense, I merely found it a harder reaction to follow and have found it a far more challenging reaction to deal with.

I know I've done a bad job in the past, and o haven't enjoyed this thread one bit but I do believe it's been necessary for me to see things. I'm not always the best listener, and take criticism hard. I didn't start it with this intention, but it has become a case of making me take a full, real step back and preparing to make big changes.

I am not a cold, heartless mother. I am not a pushy mother. I have just tried too hard to make everything okay in the misguided belief this was the right thing to do, and in the process damaged my eldest daughter. I want to put that right and all I am asking for now is ways to go about that.