To not want to go back to the UK to see family for our yearly holiday?

[BummyMummy77]

So I'm about to book our yearly holiday. We can only afford one holiday a year as dh is self employed.

Since I moved to the States 5 years ago dh and I (and then ds who's now almost 3) have spent all our spare time and money going back to the UK. So we've not had a 'holiday' in 6 years. In fact, we've only been together that long so have only actually had one holiday together.

The problem is going back home is not a holiday for me. Of course it's LOVELY to see my family and very important for them to see ds as he grows up but it's also incredibly stressful. The journey there is a headfuck then when we are there family demand all of our time and either plan outings which involve a lot more travelling (not great with a toddler who's already off kilter being away from home) or just sitting inside watching the tv all day.

And then there's the arguing about having to see EVERYONE when we just don't have time. Another thing that makes it hard is both of my parents (who are separated so we have to spilt time with them) have very different views to me on parenting and constantly tell me. So staying with them is about as relaxing as pulling teeth.

Also I feel bad that this is dh's holiday every year! Although he does see it as more of a holiday in some respects as Britian is all new and exciting to him still.

Of course it's so important ds knows his British family and they see him grow up so I feel like a total selfish wankpot wanting to book this year's holiday somewhere nice instead. (Hawaii ) The Winters here are so long and so harsh (talking -30 and feet of snow and ice for some years November-April) it's a pisser jetting off to the UK instead of somewhere we could actually feel warm for a bit!

This would make me extremely unpopular with my family.

Aibu and selfish to skip a UK trip for a year?

Why can't they come to you? Then you can holiday somewhere else whenever you like.

RTFT!!!

YANBU. I totally understand. The grand tour of relatives is not a holiday, and it is especially tough with a jet-lagged toddler.
BUT if you are close to your family it is so so important to spend the time with them. We were expats for 8 years, with a 13 hour flight to get home to the UK. We went home every year at least once a year. My much-loved and previously healthy Dad died at a relatively young age from cancer, just 5 and a half weeks after we moved back to the UK for good. Heart-breaking. But at least I don't have any regrets about not spending enough time with him during our expat years.

I have been in a similar position to you - we moved to the States 11 years ago. We could only afford to go home every other year, and so when we did it was for 2 months at a time (just me and the kids as hubby had to work)... it's NOT a holiday! It's kind of hell. At first the family and familiar and food is lovely, but very quickly it deteriorates into mega fights over parenting my kids (I don't hit and wasn't willing to allow my Mum's boyfriend to discipline my kids at all - if he didn't like their behaviour he could tell me, or just bugger off to his own house and stop wrecking my family time with my Mum)...

It was so stressful that I would sort of dread the visits... and the last time we put it off three years instead of two.

And my Nana died :( It is devastating looking back and knowing if I had travelled there the year before, I could have seen her for two more months. I had planned to visit just a few months after she died. Granddad died that year too and so i never saw either of them again.

So it's a balancing act. If your family are relatively good health, not too old etc, for sure take a holiday else where. But if you will regret forever not seeing a grandparent one last time... there will be years in the future for other vacations.

Either way it is for you to decide and if the family want to see you so bad they can fly to you!

"children should be seen and not heard and get a good smacking if they don't toe the line"

That wouldn't have me racing back to visit!

Why does the fact that you are nursing(bfeeding?) mean that you can't go without your husband?

Same as Seeline. If they're that bothered they can make the of fort and visit you.

Jess, the family are too ill to travel.

Poor you I sympathise .No it is not fair on a 3 year old .You need a pat on the back doing all that travelling ..I would go somewhere warm and it would do all of you so much good .Sometimes families are inconsiderate and do not think .Tell them to save up to come to the States and use Skype a lot .Good Luck

Ah ok sorry

Someone suggested I go without ds and that's why I mentioned the nursing.

I just spoke to my Dad and said we wouldn't be coming in December and he said he was glad and had been worried about space (my brother spilt with his girlfriend so has his entire house in my Dad's tiny house until he completes and does work on his new place).

So Dad isn't heartbroken, Mum I'm less concerned about as she's a little rockier but have to break it to Granny.

Although when we were there last Granny rarely made time for us as she was busy doing 'lots of shopping' so if she kicks off I'll gently remind her of that.

I still just feel a little sad though. Ds only has mil, fil, dh's sister, her husband and daughter here and that whole relationship is on the cusp of going nc (I did the thread a while back about having a busy ovarian cyst and nobody taking ds while it happened or for my hospital appointments) and feel like the poor little bugger is seriously lacking in family.

But then I think if we see the UK lot less and have more money to do it it'll be less stressful and they'll make more of an effort. I know that's probably horseshit but let me dream!

Go to Hawaii!!! Family visits are (sadly) not holidays but visits imho.

Flying- that sounds awful.

When I was away on the first foreign holiday I'd been on my Great Nan died. Nobody told me until I was back and I missed the funeral.

Then I went to Australia for a while and when I came back was told my Grandma (who I was very close to) had died. Again, missed the funeral. Maybe why I'm so overly morbid about it.

Go to Hawaii. It's lovely! Understand about unwell relies, but they could yet live for years. And your little one will only be young for so short a time. Need to make the most of that. We used to do an annual pilgrimage to ex-husband's home and family in Greece. Kids and him loved it. Me not so much. But as I probably would have a worse time with him in a different place, as he was such an inert father, I put up with it. Now I can do what I want!

You're doing the right thing OP. I'm the expat in our relationship, I get on well with my family back home and as it's not so far or expensive (EU country) I do go back. However I'm no longer doing it every Christmas nor am I trekking round every relative in the place when I do go over, it's not a holiday and you go home more tired than you went.

Don't worry about your DS and having little family either. Just teach him to make strong friendships. I'm an only child and 900 miles from anyone who's related to me bar DP. It's fine, because I have a best friend who's a brother to me in every way that matters, and a number of other people I trust absolutely who would answer the phone at 4am and come out to help me with whatever was wrong, no questions asked.

It's a common problem, but you cannot live your life to appease others or you will end up resenting them. Think quality time, not quantity of time. Visit a Internet cafe now and again at an agreed time to Skype or write long detailed letters and send pics.
Good luck, but put your own family needs first now and again.

I'm in a similar position, OP, down to the divorced parents doubling the number of relative visits I have to make once there! We've been in the US for 5 years, and have been back to the UK twice; my two kids are now early and mid-teens.

The first time, all four of us went for 2 weeks. It was truly hideous - 2/3 days with each family member, camping out in their spare rooms, the constant pack/ repack, kids having sweets thrust down them everywhere 'because it's only once, and a treat', to the point they were throwing up. The hellos, goodbyes, emotions, the guilt that no one ever had a generous ration of allotted time because we had to whizz off now. Awful, awful trip, despite it being lovely to see everyone and us getting on brilliantly with all our family members.

This summer we did it differently. The kids and I went for a month and saw my family, and DH came out for the middle two weeks to do his parents and siblings, and for us to have a European city break, just our family. We didn't stay with anyone else for the whole trip - it was Airbnb cottages and hotels every time. And it was terrific! With our own accommodation, and it being less rushed, and having the holiday week in the middle, it genuinely felt like a vacation.

Of course, I had to throw money at the problem to make this happen, but got some free hotel nights and other travel savings by using credit card reward bonuses. It was worth every penny, though, for the Grand Family Visit to be a very pleasant memory rather than recalled as a total chore.

So yes, go no more than two-yearly, and pop a family Euro break in the middle.

I'm an expat brat my parents live abroad in Spain now still every bloody year I go to them for my holidays it's not a holiday it's visiting my parents in a hot country! My bro lives in Canada he's desperate for me to come visit him too. I actually want to goto Greece! When we lived a long way away we only came back once every other or even every 3 years, well my parents anyway I was at boarding school so back and forth all the time! I'd say sod it go to Hawaii!

YANBU. I haven't been to my home country for a few years now for the same reasons! I always feel drained after going there on holiday. My parents do live here in the UK though, but other relatives are welcome to come and visit me, for a change. And some of them have after I hadn't gone there for a while!

Nao- yes I figure we're forming some really strong friendships. Mostly with people that are far from their family too.

Kodo- uhhhh the spoiling! Constant chocolate and tv. Which I find so hard to say no to as they rarely get to spoil him and want him to remember them as being fun and kind (when he's not getting yelled at to behave which he generally isn't due to a diet of Jaffa cakes and Peppa Pig).

Ds isn't used to having so much refined sugar as we live pretty simply and healthily here so when my dm gave him a whole Easter egg to himself he was off his nut for hours.

Every other year or longer is fine. They could come visit you too! My dh family mostly in Hong Kong. My daughter's been once, which was horrible. My brother lives in Belgium which is a bit easier but we don't keep going there every year. My in laws do come over from HK to see us so they get the stress of travelling instead. You need an actual holiday as does your ds. A proper break with just the three of you.

YADNU. Dh and I are expats so to say, we both live in the UK, both came to study 6 years ago and we stayed. my mum and siblings live in South Africa but DH parents relocated from South Africa to the US 5 years ago. Basically, to see all our family members, we have to travel to SA and to the US. I refuse to do that. When dd was born we did that as we wanted the family to meet her but we ended up booking flights, etc using the credit card which was not ideal. Since then we've not travelled to either of them in 2 years. The inlaws visited last December instead but I still haven't seen my family physically.
We Skype weekly which is good enough so instead, we go on a cheap holiday in the year and then save our money for other things like getting a mortgage.

Bummymummy you need to do what is best for you and your family now.
If you are wanting TTC the stress is no good for that or early pregnancy.
Have a great holiday this year and in future maybe go home for a few days every couple of years when it suits you. Maybe when you're on holiday if the Internet is faster you can SKYPE?
Just because it is possible (at great expense) to travel back home doesn't make it compulsory and the U.K. Is soooo expensive.
We're fortunate we can get home if and when we want to unlike the early settlers to US, Australasia, South Africa etc who when they said goodbye to their loved ones were pretty sure that was it, unless they were very rich and could spare months of travel.

You're in a horrible position but surely one year off from a stressful time back here with family isn't so awful? No-one can say that you haven't made an effort. Have a nice time in Hawaii, maybe see them next year. You'll no doubt get stressed about the following year anyway so don't feel guilty about giving yourself a break.

Well done for biting the bullet and telling your dad - it sounds like he took it well and tbh (and not being unkind), having house guests for days or weeks at a time is work for them too so I'm guessing everyone will take it better than you're expecting. I hope you get the quiet, warm holiday you want. With a 3-year-old it might not be relaxing, but its got to beat the UK at Christmas with umpteen relatives to visit!

(oops posted to early) there and then catch a cheap easy jet flight to Nice or Marbella or Mallorca or or the Algarve or somewhere like that and spend the remainder of the time there?