To not want to go back to the UK to see family for our yearly holiday?

[BummyMummy77]

So I'm about to book our yearly holiday. We can only afford one holiday a year as dh is self employed.

Since I moved to the States 5 years ago dh and I (and then ds who's now almost 3) have spent all our spare time and money going back to the UK. So we've not had a 'holiday' in 6 years. In fact, we've only been together that long so have only actually had one holiday together.

The problem is going back home is not a holiday for me. Of course it's LOVELY to see my family and very important for them to see ds as he grows up but it's also incredibly stressful. The journey there is a headfuck then when we are there family demand all of our time and either plan outings which involve a lot more travelling (not great with a toddler who's already off kilter being away from home) or just sitting inside watching the tv all day.

And then there's the arguing about having to see EVERYONE when we just don't have time. Another thing that makes it hard is both of my parents (who are separated so we have to spilt time with them) have very different views to me on parenting and constantly tell me. So staying with them is about as relaxing as pulling teeth.

Also I feel bad that this is dh's holiday every year! Although he does see it as more of a holiday in some respects as Britian is all new and exciting to him still.

Of course it's so important ds knows his British family and they see him grow up so I feel like a total selfish wankpot wanting to book this year's holiday somewhere nice instead. (Hawaii ) The Winters here are so long and so harsh (talking -30 and feet of snow and ice for some years November-April) it's a pisser jetting off to the UK instead of somewhere we could actually feel warm for a bit!

This would make me extremely unpopular with my family.

Aibu and selfish to skip a UK trip for a year?

I'd be tempted to start doing every other year I think. Otherwise Cape Verde on the way home for sun?

Why not alternate years? I have a friend who visits every 2 years, they organise a big party when everyone come to them (cheaper than petrol driving all over the country), spend some time with closest family then explore for the rest of the time.

Also I know it's just one persons opinion but I would give Malta a miss in the winter. My only holiday from hell was a fortnight in November with 2 small children, it rained for the whole 2 weeks and was full of pensioners escaping the British winter, but on the up side the kids did have great fun trying to knock down ballroom dancing old people with their buggies.

I moved away from home - not quite to the states but 400 miles away and only my mum has been to see me here and one other friend. I constantly get when are you coming to see us..... to which I always reply, when are you coming to see me.
I would go to stay with my mum but it's never a holiday, so I don't any more. It's too small for all of us anyway.
I went 'home' this summer for a holiday - we camped for 10 nights and we made sure it was a holiday. I saw one friend on one short occasion but only because it fit in with all of us.
Everyone knows where I am but it's "such a long way" so I assume they understand why I don't keep coming to them.

Annoys me, this particular topic. So you shouldn't be skipping a year, skip several and get yourselves a lovely hot family holiday and see some of the different parts of the country you live in :-) enjoy it - let people come and stay with you xxxxx

OP YANBU at all.

DS and I are heading back to HK this Sunday after 8 weeks in the UK.
We've had a couple of weeks away as a family, but it's been mostly ds and myself staying with my parents.

If we come back next year at all, it will be for a month tops. 2 weeks in a cottage and 2 weeks with my parents.

Even though we have a car and have been all over the place I am no longer prepared to feel so stifled. Even in their big farm house we've managed to piss each other off.

Good luck and take the holiday.

How about asking them to meet you half way somewhere warmer. Let's face it you know they won't but you put the ball in their court and you can holiday guilt free. That's a win/win for me

Haven't RTFT so apologies if this has already come up but how about relaxing family holiday wherever you fancy, then at some point you fly back for a brief visit to see your folks on your own. DH looks after your DC.

You could alternate this and your current arrangement in future years (maybe some years your DC comes too, especially when he is a bit older and the trip is easier).

I go back every year with the children, DH only comes every other year.
My parents would come over for a couple of months each year, every other year too, but DF is too ill to make the trip now. (Well, he wants to, but DM won't let him, and her passport ran out and she won't renew it...)

I love going back and seeing them, but I do think about all the other places I'd love to be visiting. A couple of weeks in Vietnam or Cambodia, exploring China, or even just sitting on a beach in Fiji. Instead, it's the New Forest every year for the forseeable, and a few camping trips close to home.

YANBU, though it's easier for us to say it, isn't it

Is there a reason you came back for Christmas rather than your brother's wedding? I know it's not helpful now, but I would have come back for that but instead of that year's Christmas trip

YANBU
We have live overseas for 8 years now and visited every year, this is my first year not going back to the UK. I found that nobody ever visits as they know we will be back again next year so I put my foot down and now my parents are coming here for xmas
A compromise may be booking a large villa in Europe and inviting your close relatives to visit for a week or even long weekend and if they really can't travel as far as that maybe do something similar in the uk. There are some great places down in Cornwall or Norfolk where you can all rent a holiday home and spend time together plus some wonderful in house babysitters so you can have some nice dinners just the two of you.
Can you take the trip home and leave the kids with family and head of for a weekend to France or Spain just the two of you? I know it's not a long holiday but it can work nicely as a compromise...

Yes, where do you live?? I'm in the US too (but not an ex pat, have always lived here) and I want to move to an island!

I think the two holiday way is the way forward.

YANBU
I had this growing up, where we NEVER went on a family holiday anywhere interesting, it was always back to visit my grandparents. I remember my mum moaning about it then, but oddly enough now that we live on the other side of the country from them (and the other side of the pond till 3 years ago), every summer she's at us about when we're going to visit! It does my head in. I sometimes resent never having proper holidays as a child, as nice as it was to see cousins.

YANBU
We currently live in the Middle East and have done for two years now. This summer and last we went "home" to the UK and both times have been stressful. Our children are now 6 & 4 and it's tiring and having to live out of a suitcase and in spare rooms etc is not a holiday. Friends of ours here have said that they now only go "home" every other year which is what we have now decided we are going to do. I don't think my mam is particularly happy about it but she has said she will come and visit us after Christmas so it's kind of evened itself out.

Are you Northern America per chance? We are in southern Canada and have similar winters. We have been back to the uk once in the over 4 years we've been here. We may be selfish as anything, but we would rather spend our money on more important things. When we do eventually have a holiday, we will be going somewhere relaxing and enjoyable! If I were you, I would encourage people to visit you as much as possible. Alternatively, you could always meet them at a holiday destination? Say Mexico? There's plenty of good deals there

I'm just about to do the trip home, and I'm stressing out about it. I don't really think of it as a holiday to be honest, it's more of a duty trip although I do miss my family and it will be very nice to see them. Just complicated and tiring too. This year I'm just taking dd as she wanted to see her cousins (she is 15). Last year I took both dd and ds. The year before we all (dh too) went to my brother's wedding. I did two days on my own the year before when I was on a business trip. Before that we did quite a few trips in different combinations as my dad was very ill and then died.

So lots of different trips depending on the circumstances really. Mostly without dh as I get more annual leave than he does.

OP in your circumstances I would look at going alone for as short a time as possible to keep your connections. It doesn't sound fun for your ds or that your family really enjoy him (they may when he is older). Then you can save your dh's holiday and family funds for something more enjoyable and closer to home.

Could you and DS not go for a week and leave DH at home? Then you can use DHs holiday allowance for a proper break in the Caribbean?

Go have a holiday! We're in the same position, can't afford the trip back so we went when DD was a baby and will try to go again next year. It is anything but a holiday. Again the children should be seen and not heard, endless visits prefaced by 'oh but you remember X, she's the second cousin of my old school friend and would love to see you'.... You really must bring the children to church so people can see you. The children not being allowed to run, or out in the garden, not allowed to touch things and them not removing breakable stuff off every conceivable surface. Grandparents ignoring one child because he's a boy and they prefer girls. And of course, the reason they misbehave is because I don't hit them enough.

I'm so glad we never got into a routine of who goes where for holidays. We tell the IL's and parents where we have booked our holiday. Then if they want to book for themselves, they can. If not, then there is Skype. They do try the guilt, but as they moved when I was at uni, it's not my home town and I have no friends there. You do have to sit back and do what is best for your family once in a while.

I've read the whole thread with interest because DH and I both have lots of family in Canada and each family has taken a different approach. OP, you must make your choices but be mindful of its impact on your DS's relationships with his grandparents.

My uncle went to Toronto mid 1970s with DW and 2 DC (my cousins). My aunt's family were in London, and we were in Manchester. They came back every year at least once, sometimes twice, and split the time between the two cities. Everyone went to visit them at the nearest location. They didn't trek around as they'd travelled far enough. My GPs went to Canada a few times only. We all know eachother.

DstepM's sister went to Calgary in her twenties and married a Canadian (40 years ago) and also made the trip with DDs twice a year (sometimes with DH sometimes not) and her parents visited Canada in between. My siblings have a fantastic relationship with their cousins and meet up regularly for holidays.

In contrast DH's brother moved to Halifax Nova Scotia, the nearest of all, as he married a Canadian, and has been back twice in nearly 15 years. PIL have been over a few times but are more fragile now so struggle with the flights and luggage etc. Money isn't the issue as BIL is b well paid and has been to lots of Caribbean type hols. And PIL are the loveliest people you could meet. They are heartbroken that they don't have a relationship with their other DGC. They are amazing with my DC.

IMO your family can't come to you. It was your choice to live away, not theirs. I'd suck it up and still go but be firm about staying only in your 2 locations with DM and then DF. Anyone who wants to can come and see you. Yes, your family might be like this for another 20 years but your DC will get older and your financial situation will change. And you're DC will still have a relationship with your family.

Can't you go on your own? I have a friend who goes to her home country for a month every summer and her DH joins her for 2 weeks. That's more time than you have though.
I don't think necessarily you all have to go together, if you went for a longer time alone you might not feel so rushed.

I didn't have to travel abroad but PIL lived a large distance away, they never understood visiting them was not a holiday - visiting isn't a holiday! It's hard work. We were often in the bad books for going away (particularly if in the UK) as we could just go see them....no.

No most people in the States have less holiday than in the UK so it is not unreasonable for you to stayin the states. Could your relatives join you for part of the holiday or for Christmas? We had many visitors when we were there with kids and they gained by staying with someone who knew where to visit etc. They will also gain a better understanding of where you little one lives.

Wellywife - I don't think just because one person moves away that they have to bend over and forsake their own family life to accommodate parents and siblings.

Yes, knowing a family is important but it is also important that children feel THEIR parents make an effort to create lasting memories of holidays, fun and experiences. Going to see parents is not a holiday, unless you really love spending times with parents/siblings and they also are interested in seeing you, not just for the form but because they also use their holiday to interact with you. Then it may be ok.

Nothing is worse than going "back home" and nobody takes the time to do things with you because they are working and spend their holidays at a different time.

Also, "going back home" is not always the case. After 16 years my home is in the UK, not Germany. I go to see my parents and show DD Germany but it is not home. Lots of my mum's friends can't understand this, they always ask "is Noramum back home" and get confused when my mum says that we are at home in the UK.

Bermuda doesn't have Zika?! Oooohh that's exciting!

We live on an island in Maine.

I'd love to go alone but ds is still nursing so it's not really an option yet.

I missed my brothers wedding as I was in the last stages of pregnancy and couldn't fly. The other weddings I've missed as ds couldn't take the time off and they were all child free so wouldn't have worked out.

I'm going to tell my Dad today I think. It'll be awful, every time I speak to him he tells me how he's filled up his sky planner with programs for ds and can't wait for us to come. Uhhhh I'm going to need some thick skin for this one.

I have to say one of my brothers always takes the whole time we're there off and is coming out here in two weeks. Needless to say he's my favourite brother

I begged my Mum to come out even for a couple of days when I was having ds. We offered to pay and I'm sure she could have got a few days respite but she said she felt guilty going abroad without my brothers. So I'm really not that fussed about her being annoyed at my not returning if I'm honest. And a couple of years back when we moved heaven and earth to get back for Xmas she said we couldn't stay with her as it would be 'too hectic'.

I don't think just because one person moves away that they have to bend over and forsake their own family life to accommodate parents and siblings.

Of course not. It all depends on your family dynamics. Some people go abroad to escape family. One of my uncles did that, went to Spain and has hardly been seen since. The person I mentioned went to Canada because it was the best masters course but fell in love there. She came from a very close family and didn't want her DDs to miss out on that.

Not unreasonable at all! I'm in the same position - husband is Norwegian and I'm Canadian but we live in the UK. A lot of our holidays have to be spent going to visit family and it's a tough one.
To top it off, my parents are divorced and live on either sides of Canada so visiting them has to be done at different times. We explained early on to all of the grandparents that they are welcome to come and visit us any time and that we will sometimes be spending our holiday in other places on our own.
It's a hard one but you are completely reasonable to take sunny holidays and you deserve them! If your family is upset, tell them to come to the US and visit!

When I lived overseas and went home for visits, my mother would have a family "open house" one day and everyone was told that if they wanted to see me then they could come on that day; that it wasn't fair that they expected me to do all the traipsing around, and if they didn't come on that day then they couldn't complain that they hadn't seen me. Worked a treat.