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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to go back to the UK to see family for our yearly holiday?

155 replies

BummyMummy77 · 16/08/2016 11:04

So I'm about to book our yearly holiday. We can only afford one holiday a year as dh is self employed.

Since I moved to the States 5 years ago dh and I (and then ds who's now almost 3) have spent all our spare time and money going back to the UK. So we've not had a 'holiday' in 6 years. In fact, we've only been together that long so have only actually had one holiday together.

The problem is going back home is not a holiday for me. Of course it's LOVELY to see my family and very important for them to see ds as he grows up but it's also incredibly stressful. The journey there is a headfuck then when we are there family demand all of our time and either plan outings which involve a lot more travelling (not great with a toddler who's already off kilter being away from home) or just sitting inside watching the tv all day.

And then there's the arguing about having to see EVERYONE when we just don't have time. Another thing that makes it hard is both of my parents (who are separated so we have to spilt time with them) have very different views to me on parenting and constantly tell me. So staying with them is about as relaxing as pulling teeth.

Also I feel bad that this is dh's holiday every year! Although he does see it as more of a holiday in some respects as Britian is all new and exciting to him still.

Of course it's so important ds knows his British family and they see him grow up so I feel like a total selfish wankpot wanting to book this year's holiday somewhere nice instead. (Hawaii ) The Winters here are so long and so harsh (talking -30 and feet of snow and ice for some years November-April) it's a pisser jetting off to the UK instead of somewhere we could actually feel warm for a bit!

This would make me extremely unpopular with my family.

Aibu and selfish to skip a UK trip for a year?

OP posts:

EweAreHere · 16/08/2016 12:34

YANBU.

Skip the trip this year and have a holiday. Point out to anyone that complains that planes fly in both directions.

IamtheZombie · 16/08/2016 12:41

Zombie had 15 years of this and she hated every visit. We always went to Virginia for at least 3 weeks and by the time we got there every single minute of our time had been planned out for us. She finally put her foot down and refused to go for a few years. It was bliss.

OnceThereWasThisGirlWho · 16/08/2016 12:42

Ds is already being a bit of a dick due to jet lag and people being all over him when he doesn't really remember them

My nephew has recognised me from about 3yrs of age because he is shown photos of all the family who are not nearby, and we are all talked about. I was v surprised he knew who I was! Is this something you could do?

Sequentialchoring · 16/08/2016 12:43

X posts Bunny

It is so difficult (flowers)

And much more difficult with small DC involved

We are here for life too. Which is hard but at the same time allows you to set some boundaries\traditions in place and make your own long term plans.

juneau · 16/08/2016 12:45

My ILs live in the US, we are in the UK. We visit them every two years. If they want to see us more they have to come here (but they don't - they'd rather wait two years to see their GC). Its not my parents/GPs that are so far away, but if I was you I'd take a holiday somewhere else this year. Its one year. You're not committing to every two years, you're just taking one year off from this crazy merry-go-round that costs you a fortune and which you feel guilty and resentful about.

Warm in Dec - Canaries (choose your island/resort carefully - some are really nice), or what about flying back via Bermuda? Southern Spain, Malta, Cyprus will all be mild and probably sunny, but not hot. I'm guessing southern Spain will be the cheapest, as the budget seems to be tight. Not sure about Malta. Canaries around Xmas/New Year are expensive.

BadToTheBone · 16/08/2016 12:46

When I lived in the states I didn't come home every year and there was just me, no partner, no kids, do no reason not to. I don't think it's unfair to want something else.

juneau · 16/08/2016 12:47

And no, YANBU! I remember visits to the UK when we lived in the US. It was lovely to see everyone, but bloody exhausting traipsing hither and yon to see everyone, going out in the evening with friends, staying in several places so constantly packing/unpacking/saying hello/goodbye. Take a break for once. Have a nice holiday just the three of you.

Pominoz1 · 16/08/2016 12:56

Take your holiday where you all want to go. We had the same dilemma when living in Australia. We had to use the majority of annual leave for the visits back to UK. Would do it differently if I had the time over again.

KeyserSophie · 16/08/2016 12:59

YANBU but at the same time, it is what it is, and as someone upthread said, you have to basically make a choice between developing/maintaining relationships or not, and unfortunately the choice falls to you due to it being out of control of your parents and GP.

So it's all very well to say "fuck it, I'm off to Hawaii" as we'd all ideally like to do, but I get why it's problematic. I think the "own house nearby" is a good compromise. Then your parents and GM can see your DS without you being stuck in the house of short tempers and 24 hr TV for weeks. Is it possible to have an honest chat with your parents to come up with a more mutually satisfactory situation or not that sort of relationship?

We live in HK and go back to UK for a month in the summer (just me and the kids). Even with the world's coolest and most accommodating parents, mum and I are ready to say goodbye by the end .... and she only criticises my parenting once every 2 weeks.

Bogeyface · 16/08/2016 13:01

The problem is that by coming home once a year you have created the expectation in their minds that you will come home every year. It would be the same if you lived here though as they sound like the kind of people who expect everyone else to make the effort, so you would probably end up doing family visits every Sunday afternoon followed by Armageddon if you didnt go one Sunday (lived that particular dream a few years back!). Or Xmas, keep an eye on the boards for all the "AIBU to not want to got to family for Xmas AGAIN?", with some families, whatever you do will be wrong!

So by breaking the cycle now, and next year too, you are making it clear that you will visit when you can but not at the expense of your only family holiday.

Bogeyface · 16/08/2016 13:02

Oh and of course extending an invitation to anyone who wants to visit you, perhaps with the phrase "Planes go both ways across the Atlantic!"

Anasnake · 16/08/2016 13:03

I had a similar ish situation but it was PILs that moved to Spain and expected us to visit them every hols and complained that they weren't seeing their grandchildren. They moved to the middle of nowhere, no pool, half an hour drive to the beach as they liked peace and quiet. We went a couple of times, kids bored out of their heads so I refused to go again.

noramum · 16/08/2016 13:07

We are Germans and obviously plane tickets are cheaper and flying times shorter but we never go on holiday to our parents. We would go nuts, the parents as well from one point onwards.

We do holiday in Germany to show DD her other heritage but apart from the odd day when we were in driving distance from my in-laws we never see them. We go there for a long weekend or have them over.

I just saw my in-laws again last week, after 18 months of no visits for me and 1 year for DH and DD.

Luckily both sides don't insist on any kind of yearly visit or that we have to spend our main holiday with them, especially as they don't live near each other.

I must be the lucky one.

Griphook · 16/08/2016 13:08

children should be seen and not heard and get a good smacking if they don't toe the line' I have a family member like this, unless it's his child playing up then it's fine. I can only stomach an afternoon these days.

Go on holiday, enjoy your time with ds whiles he's little

NickiFury · 16/08/2016 13:08

No way. Go to Hawaii! You're on the most amazing continent with access to all manner of climates and landscapes, make the most of it.

I remember reading an article about how the majority of Americans don't have passports. I could understand it really, everything they need is right there.

trafalgargal · 16/08/2016 13:09

So don't go in December (just because past years you went at Christmas past years doesn't mean it's set in stone) .......or go to the Canaries where it will be decent weather.

Alternatively invite your parents to join you on your family holiday in Florida (a week each not at the same time for a fortnight if they are not longer "
Friendly ") .

MunchCrunch01 · 16/08/2016 13:09

any chance there's a hybrid solution where you can help family buy tickets out to see you and go on a nice holiday on your own that's a bit cheaper? We lived in the US for 6 years and coming home was financially ruinous and after 2 hours people weren't really that pleased to see us. I'd try and subsidize people to come out to you instead.

manicinsomniac · 16/08/2016 13:10

I think doing both is the ideal plan. I appreciate that you need a proper break but it does sound like your family have it tough and would be gutted not to see you.

That's the great thing about Europe being made up of so many small countries. If you're coming all the way from the US it's easy to justify a week in another European country for just the three of you as well as seeing everyone else.

JacquettaWoodville · 16/08/2016 13:19

Yanbu.

If DH's parents are mobile, can they meet you in Hawaii or wherever?

Rent an airbnb with decent internet so you can skype where you are.

Could you fly back alone if you sorted out a nanny for DS for a few days?

Lifegavemelemons · 16/08/2016 13:23

I think you just have to accept the fact that family members might die without you getting a chance to see them again and live with it.

Not wanting to sound cruel or heartless but I've just been through the rapid loss of someone in their 40's and watching a friend struggle with her "terminally ill" dad in his 90's perking right back up again. They had the palliative care package 4 months ago! If I've learned one thing as I've got older it's that death is certain but often unpredictable - you can't put your life on hold - but that's what you're doing IMO.

a generation ago it wouldn't have really been an option to fly back every year

Have a lovely holiday instead.

Sparklesilverglitter · 16/08/2016 13:26

I think 2 little holidays for yourself is a good idea

It's difficult isn't it but For me personally if I choose to move so far away and my family couldn't travel for whatever reason I would have to come visit because I would hate not seeing my family espically Mum and for her to miss out on my little one so much.

Eatthecake · 16/08/2016 13:31

2 holidays could be a way forward.

My ds went travelling for a year and I didn't see him at all in that 12 months, we emailed when he was somewhere that had good internet or he'd send a postcard for each place. It really shocked me how much I missed him in just that 12 months so i don't know what I would do if any of mine every move abroad, i think I'd have to make DH emigrate too!

I assume you miss you family and they miss you so I would have to go visit as I think it's important to maintain a family connection espically with little tots.

crazywriter · 16/08/2016 13:41

Not U at all. We've just moved to canada from the UK and have already made the agreement with our parents that we'll visit one year and they can come to us the year after. It wasn't hard to covince either. My parents have friends still here and DH parents have never been and view it as a holiday. The years we don't go over well be able to do holidays in the states and parts of canada like we've always wanted. It's all about give and take. Explain the situation to everyone and come to a negotiation so your DS doesn't miss out.

newyorker74 · 16/08/2016 13:43

As indicated by my username, im in NYC originally from the UK. We have been here a while now and started going back every year but then decided we were missing out on way too many places in the US so we now take it on a case by case basis depending on other plans, time of holiday etc. Luckily my parents are very relaxed about the situation (and we skype/call regularly) and we don't have kids which helps. However, I'd still do the same. My logic is we moved here for the experience of living here not to head back every year.

mrsnec · 16/08/2016 13:53

My parents have accepted that the Public transport all over the place, Premier Inn accomodation and dinners in the Harvester/Brewers Fayre every night does not make for a very pleasant holiday for us since they can't accomodate us and its made me feel much less guilty about not going back.

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