To not want to go back to the UK to see family for our yearly holiday?

[BummyMummy77]

So I'm about to book our yearly holiday. We can only afford one holiday a year as dh is self employed.

Since I moved to the States 5 years ago dh and I (and then ds who's now almost 3) have spent all our spare time and money going back to the UK. So we've not had a 'holiday' in 6 years. In fact, we've only been together that long so have only actually had one holiday together.

The problem is going back home is not a holiday for me. Of course it's LOVELY to see my family and very important for them to see ds as he grows up but it's also incredibly stressful. The journey there is a headfuck then when we are there family demand all of our time and either plan outings which involve a lot more travelling (not great with a toddler who's already off kilter being away from home) or just sitting inside watching the tv all day.

And then there's the arguing about having to see EVERYONE when we just don't have time. Another thing that makes it hard is both of my parents (who are separated so we have to spilt time with them) have very different views to me on parenting and constantly tell me. So staying with them is about as relaxing as pulling teeth.

Also I feel bad that this is dh's holiday every year! Although he does see it as more of a holiday in some respects as Britian is all new and exciting to him still.

Of course it's so important ds knows his British family and they see him grow up so I feel like a total selfish wankpot wanting to book this year's holiday somewhere nice instead. (Hawaii ) The Winters here are so long and so harsh (talking -30 and feet of snow and ice for some years November-April) it's a pisser jetting off to the UK instead of somewhere we could actually feel warm for a bit!

This would make me extremely unpopular with my family.

Aibu and selfish to skip a UK trip for a year?

OP, you're the same as me!

Except we live in Canada and not the US

DH is Canadian, DS is 3 in December.

We just went back to the UK for 3 weeks, and as you say, it's not really a holiday. We stayed with family, which is great as it saves money, but it really is non stop and not an actual holiday. I dream of an all-inclusive, swanning casually down to brekkie, eat, leave the restaurant. No dishes and no tidying!

We have rented a cottage in previous years, but the last one we rented was a grand (pounds sterling!!!) for a week But it was in the Lakes and with room to invite people up etc, lovely location.

The flights back home were horrendous.There are no direct flights, our connection was 5 hours long! DS was awake for 20 hours, he slept on the descent into Manchester for 40 mins You can imagine.

As you say there are so many places to explore - Canada is huge and I really want to do some American National Parks as they are so close.

This is such a coincidence as was just discussing this with a friend tonight. We've been expats for 20 years and have been back once or twice each year. But, due to changed in job, finances, and having a child, going back yearly is starting to be a pain as it means we haven't enough money/time to go everything else. But my parents are old and sick and can't fly. My friend pointed out that they could carry on in that state for another 15 years or so, in which case I'd be 65 and would have missed out on places to go with our son. But the guilt ...

Humm I lived in NYC for 5 years albeit at an earlier stage in life than you (early-mid 20s) and did end up coming back for each Christmas and for a couple of weeks at Easter or in summer. It did vastly reduce the number of places I saw in the States, but I'm close to my family and missed them, so for me it was definitely worth it (plus I lived in a city with so many options that I didn't feel I was missing out experience wise).

I don't think you should feel bad if you decide you prefer to visit every other year rather than every year. But what you can't do is expect your family not to be sad about it. I guess you just have to make peace with that.

We used to do this, DH home country is a holiday place and nice but we always ended up going to his home town which is not the place you want to spend your holiday. PIL take an age to get moving/want to parade us round every known aquaintance, their house is a mess, think hoarding, then there was the cabbage in the bath, the kittens in the bath and the legendary year of the flies.

Now we go to the Algarve, sometimes they come and see us sometimes not but we set limits on it and get plenty of time as a break for ourselves. You need a holiday and what you've described is not that. Like you I used to come back stressed and wound up. Now I don't!

Alternate. One year with your family, one year somewhere fabulous!

My Dad can't travel here as he has ms, my Mum is full time carer to my brother and uses her respite for working. Dad was on and off (not paying attention to doctor's orders ) of morphine last time so that must have been playing havock with his mood.

I think the two holiday suggestion is the best, and maybe we'll do it next year so somewhere in Europe would be warmer. I'd love ds to see Europe, I didn't have that luxury when I was a kid (Devon was as far as I got until I was 17 but that was lovely too).

'But the guilt ...'

It's a killer, isn't it, RarelyInfallible

My db lives in the States. Comes home with family every second year. When my dps were younger they visited the other year but not possible now. They have a holiday or two in the States in the other year, Florida, skiing and so on. When they come home we have big get togethers instead of them travelling all the time. We do make a big fuss so it turns into an exciting time for the whole family. Maybe plan after this year to go every second year. When your ds starts school you will be tied to that time which makes flights more expensive. You do need to build up holiday memories for your own little family now. Time for dh to spend time with his ds and ye to connect. Don't feel guilty. Just begin by skipping one year.

You're right rarely - the guilt!

Old- ds is three at the end of November too. A BITCH of an age to travel even though he's pretty good at it as kids go.

We live on an island so leave the house at 6am to catch an evening flight, then trains and trains from London at 7am when none of us have slept. Ugh. I had a two hour cry in Paddington once I was so tired and stressed out. Poor ds and dh, it's no all inclusive as someone mentioned!

I dream of sauntering down to breakfast in a sarong and walking off LEAVING THE DISHES ON THE TABLE.

Not to mention the unholy grief of arranging a car to borrow when we're there. My Dad lives two hours from my Mum and both in remote locations. I think maybe we'll go less when we can afford to rent a car and somewhere to stay! Also, if we ever by some miracle manage to have another child both my Mum and Dad's will be way too small. Poor dh spent two years sleeping on floors, now ds does but it's stills bit of a mare.

Obviously I'm not knocking everyone's hospitality at all, they both just have very tiny houses.

Do you have to go in December? Is that really the only time you can go?

Going every year really isn't sustainable in the long term and you will burn out. You are right, it is not a holiday, it is hard work and tiring. Your son is going to grow up with a burned out and resentful mother every time he sets foot in his other country.

Having done this for the best part of two decades I strongly recommend you consider going every other year.

I was going to suggest meeting them somewhere for a joint holiday but I see you have addressed that already. Personally I would choose a holiday in Hawaii over the UK any day. I don't think it's selfish at all but parents are great at the guilt trip!

Yep, I understand fully. Moved to the Caribbean and have been here for coming up 9 years.

DH and I have a nearly 5 year old and 2 1/2 year old and I've flat out refused to go back to the UK this year. We went back last September for 3 weeks and it was lovely to see everyone (I've been back at least once a year since moving here, more when my brother was dying) but DH is Scottish so we have to split our time Edinburgh and London. Scotland, for me is always more of a holiday because I don't have the time pressure. London is never a holiday because as much as I love being there, I feel the end of the holiday panic where I feel that I have no time to buy clothes for the kids, do all the shopping I need and try and see everyone.
And then we have to battle a 12 hour flight back here.

Granted, the last time we did the trip the kids were brilliant but I'm just not doing it again.

Next time we go back, we will be going for 3 weeks. 5 days in Scotland, 5 days in London and the rest of the time in a villa in France. If anyone wants to join us for a few days then they can. I want a holiday where I don't have to think about anything.

I don't have guilt about moving here but that's because my parents and in-laws are still relatively young and active. And also because I had my kids here. I think I would have felt far more guilty if I'd have had them in the UK and then left with them or if my parents were infirm.

I understand your guilt but you and your family deserve to have some time just for yourselves and to make memories of your own.

We stay in the UK, DH dad in the states. My family in Africa. For the last 3 summers we have visited them. My DH refused to go anywhere for the next few years or ever. Can you not alternate between every 2 to 3 years.

bummymummy just as an FYI, Bermuda doesn't have Zika, it's far further north than any area that has, it's parallel to the Carolinas rather than Florida so it would be an option.

This is really the first generation of ex-pats who are expected to travel back regularly when they move away - the "it's just a plane ride away!" mentality, where as people who moved across the world as recently as the early 80s weren't expected to come back every year, more like every 2/3 years if you were lucky. People who went off to places like New Zealand and Australia in the 70s just were going for good, coming back once a decade if you were lucky.

Basically, you are not unreasonable to say you will only make it back every other year. It's a long haul flight, few young families can afford a long haul holiday every year - just because the holiday is at 'home' doesn't make it any more affordable.

Do somewhere closer to you and more enjoyable this year. Save up for next year to the UK and possibly tag on a holiday to Europe while you are here.

When your DS starts school, will a 3 week trip in Europe in December have to stop anyway? If your DH can't get time off over the summer, will that basically put the end on the family holidays back to the UK?

How long do you go for? Could you spend maybe half the usual time with family and book a 'proper' holiday somewhere else, just for yourselves? There are umpteen destinations with easy reach of the U.K.

When we lived in the Middle East, we came back every summer to see family (and escape the 40+ deg heat). But after a year or two we started booking a 'proper' holiday, too - just for us and dds,, as well.

I know it's not usual in the US to have much in the way of annual leave so maybe this wouldn't work for you.

My God, where do you live??

Not the point I know but I can't decide if it sounds wonderful or terrible!

I think the self-catering cottage is a great idea but I would skip it this time around and go on your family holiday.

Having your ds be another year older will be better all round and I think having your own space will be great. Plus you could have people over for lunch or dinner a few times in your 'own space', put ds to bed etc. etc.

I think youre fabulous already for doing it every year for the last 5.
Take a break and have the holiday you want.
We have relatives abroad who come back visit about every 4 years and we are incredibly grateful that they do. Its really expensive for them, their time is pulled every which way by all the people they want//need to see, and theyre knackered when they go home.

Happy holiday

I live away from family (either in Vietnam or UK) and VN-US is a 23 hour plane journey as family live in Florida...

Family can visit you.

YANBU. We've been in the same boat every year for the past 14, except in the uk. This year I told my parents I would be pleasing ourselves and having a proper holiday.

Not unreasonable. I am in your shoes but in the reverse, live in UK family in US. I feel terrible that my husband spends his holiday time going to the US. I think it is perfectly reasonable to want to take a year off from family visit. Could you encourage them to come visit you in the US? If not just put your foot down and say you're taking a year off. We did that this year, although for different reasons (just did loft extension.) There's always skype/facetime to keep in touch and with your son so young it won't be a big deal to take a year off.

Much like the others, YADNBU. We live in Ireland, the ILs in Poland and Austria, mine Oz and NZ. We visit the ILs yearly for a long weekend and pay for them to visit us for a long weekend as well. My parents visit every three years but none of my siblings have been to visit me in the UK or Ireland in 12 years... One if my sisters constantly bitches that I don't come home more often, but it costs a fortune as we need to hit both Oz and NZ. We went home last year for my first Christmas in ten years; five days in Sydney, five days in Auckland, five days in Seoul (as our treat) - flights were €5,200 for economy. We try to do it every 2.5 years but it takes a big chunk out of our annual leave and frequently employers balk when you ask for more than two weeks in a chunk. I've booked my next trip already - for March, cheap €450 deal - but this time I'm going alone. There's always inevitable squabbles etc.
Space it out, remember it's your life too, and aside from health issues, there's nothing to stop your family coming to visit.

Sorry if I'm repeating something, but could you try to book a European holiday instead and tag a few days for family things either end? Our friends who live in NZ do this. They book a week or 10 days somewhere with their siblings, which is a proper holiday and then plan big Sunday lunches / Family BBQ for the weekends either end. Alternatively (though they do have a longer flight which helps), they have a holiday / beach / city break on a stopover in the way home

NO Urdnbu. Enjoy a lovely holiday this year.
Could you go to the UK by yourself for a quick visit one year?
Hiring a cottage or house and getting friends and family to visit you there sounds like a great idea. (and maybe people could also contribute to help this become more viable?)
Sounds like a difficult family situation given your families' needs. It's not easy….

I'm an Aussie living in the Netherlands and I know EXACTLY how you feel.... Although I moved here with two two year olds and a four year old. After a few years of exhausting trips to Aus where somebody was bound to be resentful or pissed off because we couldn't do what they wanted or see them, etc... we decided to tell our family that we "couldn't afford to come this year" and ended up doing trips around Europe - which is what we were here for anyway. Blow them off and have a great time.... Perhaps it will inspire some of them to get off their bums and come and visit you instead.