To not want to go back to the UK to see family for our yearly holiday?

[BummyMummy77]

So I'm about to book our yearly holiday. We can only afford one holiday a year as dh is self employed.

Since I moved to the States 5 years ago dh and I (and then ds who's now almost 3) have spent all our spare time and money going back to the UK. So we've not had a 'holiday' in 6 years. In fact, we've only been together that long so have only actually had one holiday together.

The problem is going back home is not a holiday for me. Of course it's LOVELY to see my family and very important for them to see ds as he grows up but it's also incredibly stressful. The journey there is a headfuck then when we are there family demand all of our time and either plan outings which involve a lot more travelling (not great with a toddler who's already off kilter being away from home) or just sitting inside watching the tv all day.

And then there's the arguing about having to see EVERYONE when we just don't have time. Another thing that makes it hard is both of my parents (who are separated so we have to spilt time with them) have very different views to me on parenting and constantly tell me. So staying with them is about as relaxing as pulling teeth.

Also I feel bad that this is dh's holiday every year! Although he does see it as more of a holiday in some respects as Britian is all new and exciting to him still.

Of course it's so important ds knows his British family and they see him grow up so I feel like a total selfish wankpot wanting to book this year's holiday somewhere nice instead. (Hawaii ) The Winters here are so long and so harsh (talking -30 and feet of snow and ice for some years November-April) it's a pisser jetting off to the UK instead of somewhere we could actually feel warm for a bit!

This would make me extremely unpopular with my family.

Aibu and selfish to skip a UK trip for a year?

G9sh I think once every three years would be enough. That leaves once every three years to go somewhere wild and wonderful and once every three years to go to a different State to explore.

YANBU. With the limited vacation time we get in the US, you need to make time for an actual vacation too. Could you go alternate years and work on getting better internet so you can skype in between?

Dh's family live in the house next but one.

That's just it! There's SO many places here I'm dying to see. And just to have some warmth to break up the long, depressing Winter! Although the only option for that is Hawaii not the much cheaper Florida or Bahamas because of sodding Zika virus.

couldn't you do both? A week in UK seeing family (so your DC stays connected with them) and a week in europe somewhere?

We live on an island so the internet isn't really fixable. By September next year we'll have better internet though if all goes to plan.

Maybe not Spain (although Seville was lovely in January), but Southern Italy or Malta can be nice and warm in December - I've been to Malta for Christmas twice and swam in an outside pool, and one year was on the (sheltered) beach in my bikini on Christmas day! If nothing else it will feel exotic and unfamiliar.

We're thinking about doing both. Four days with Mum, four days with Dad then Europe. Where's warmish in Decemeber? Dh wants to go to Egpyt but I'm not so keen with ds really.

Maybe you just have to get your head around the fact that you aren't going to see much of your family over the next few years. change the way you look at it. Accept it. You don't have to get all angsty about it. If you emigrate, surely that's what happens for millions of people.

We all survived without Skype for years, letters can bring a lot of pleasure. EMail and photos can be very useful too in keeping up some level of contact.

Will look in to Malta!

I went to Tennerife one Xmas and it was bloody awful lol.

But if my Father and Grandmother have limited time left then I can't help but get angsty about it.

The Canary Islands will be nice and warm, even in Dec. I say go with your DH's plan! Or take a year out and do your own thing. Or don't go at the usual time and arrange a much shorter trip with just you instead? I live on the opposite side of the world to my family so I get where you are coming from.

cyprus, canary islands.. I wouldn't go to egypt but ...

Or what about bermuda? half way between states and UK so would break up journey back?

I've been an expat for 4 years now and not once have a family member or close friend come out to visit. Not for a lack of invitations. It drives me insane that I am the one who has to go back, using up all my AL, spending a fortune not only travelling back but travelling around the UK and absolutely exhausting myself because they can't be arsed.

I think it is because a lot of people feel that by living abroad in a country with a nice climate, I'm basically on holiday in my day-to-day life

I've cut down on the travelling to extended family/friends etc or offer to meet halfway - if they refuse, then that shows what they think of our relationship. With immediate family, I do think "how would I feel if I didn't go back this time and something happened before I could go again?" It's such a difficult one, but could you say to your family that you want to take DS on an educational trip or for him to visit XYZ place for the experience.

Then once you have the better internet, get DS to speak regularly to your family. Maybe even get your parents to help DS look up places etc so they feel involved?

Oh, Morocca would also be nice that time of year. If you are looking at the Canaries, Fuerteventura and Lanzarote both have lovely laidback non-touristy places to go.

My cousin is visiting from Canada at the moment, she comes roughly every 5 years. Obviously we like to see her but we appreciate that its very expensive for her to visit so no one would dream of kicking off that she didnt come once a year. My aunt goes to visit her as often as she can afford, but the fact is that when a sodding great ocean seperates people, there is going to be a limit on the amount of times you can see them.

Think of it this way, at least when they do kick off it will be from the other side of the world and you can always just not read the emails! Oh and enjoy Hawaii, I would love to go there!

But if my Father and Grandmother have limited time left then I can't help but get angsty about it

But you don't know.

Alternatively go to the UK in May/June or September, that's when you are most likely to be lucky with the weather and somewhere like Italy will be lovely then too. Could you do the trip every 18 months?

Bermuda and I think all of that area has Zika and we're trying to conceive.

Another aspect is as Jamie's says is that when we are in Britian nobody apart from one of my brothers makes the effort to see us. They just complain about us not going there.

Ds is already being a bit of a dick due to jet lag and people being all over him when he doesn't really remember them (although this will obviously get better as he gets older) and more travelling around to relatives that, I have to be honest, don't really interact with him at all, just tips him, and therefore me, over the edge.

Huge sympathies to you op. As an expat, I am not sure which is worse tbh, the travelling and endless visiting of family and friends in a tight schedule and trying to balance out the individual needs of family members and their competing claims on your time (which probably sounds selfish but I have one family member in particular who makes her displeasure known if we spend what in her opinion is too long with a favourite aunt) or an endless succession of visitors during holidays. We have a large house so for practical reasons we have opted for the latter in recent times, but either way, holidays can all to often become hard work ( or diplomatic family minefields!)

There are also the not inconsiderable emotional aspects to contend with ie difficult and sad departures and having to leave when you know a loved one is unwell or you won't see them for another six months etc., or a major family event will be happening in your absence. I find it exhausting and stressful! (I understand it is v difficult for my family too - not just us!)

I'm fed up with all of it and I only live in Europe so itbis all much more difficult for you op! ( Although dh's family live in a third country which adds to the complexities).

Sorry for the whinging. I think you are entitled to set some boundaries in place and have your own family holidays on a regular basis. Particularly if you are only in the States for a while, you need time to explore!

No my Dad has ms and my Gran is in pretty poor health.

Going in nice weather is an option but then dh can't leave because of work and I've done one trip alone and sweet Jesus, I don't want to do that again!

Your post reminded me so much of my childhood growing up in the States. Our only ever annual "holiday" was coming to the UK to do what I dubbed "The Grand Family Tour" (usually from Manchester to Plymouth, in a car). My first ever destination holiday wasn't until I was in University and went to Cuba with a group of friends, not once did my family ever do a destination holiday together (apart from the odd trip to tag along on a business trip with my dad).

One suggestion, that I'm sure my mum thought of (but we never enacted), was to hire a holiday home over here and get the family to come to us. It would have saved us the hairy experience of my dad hopping in a hire car, straight off an overnight flight, and bombing up the motorway towards distant relative #1 to ensure we fit everyone's visit in. This could be an option for you in the future?

But this year, no - go on your holiday and make some holiday memories with your own immediate family. I grew up without these and really resent it! Since having my own DC (in England, while immediate family are still far flung) we haven't been to visit them once. Instead we have regular Skype dates and I make sure and send lots of photos.

Go on holiday somewhere in the US. We have started going to Florida to the beach once a year, much cheaper than the trip home! I'm about to have my third child so the trips home get more expensive, and as we're now a family of 5 I think family are a bit less enthusiastic about putting us up when we are at home.

I try to go back once a year, but to be honest we've had a couple of trips that weren't great. My youngest likes a routine and was just behaving badly after being dragged to a different house to visit friends/family every day. This will be the first year when we haven't gone home (DC3 is due very soon), we'll try to go home next summer. What makes our lives even more difficult is that DH's American family live 800 miles away, and they expect us to visit them too.

One thing I've just discovered, not sure where you live in the US but the charter flights out of Florida are about half the price of commercial. For 5 flying from Orlando to Glasgow its about $3000 compared to $7000 on BA or Delta.

Choring- we're here for good I think.

Oh the goodbyes. They were bad before ds. With each visit as he gets older they get worse. They are utterly horrific now. Both my family and I are sobbing messes for the last couple of day's stay. Awful.

And the missing events too! I missed my brothers and three really good friend's weddings. So bloody depressing.

Having said all this, I can't imagine what it would be like to have ds move to another country and raise Grandchildren where I couldn't see them. I'd probably follow him

Have a year or two without going back but then Pootle's idea of hiring a self catering cottage near to family members (and staying in one place) is a good one.

YANBU, of course you're not, especially while ds is so small. I do get that knowing it doesn't make the guilt easier.

Under your family's very difficult circumstances I'd be thinking maybe more towards finding a long weekend as a compromise where dh and ds would be ok at home and you could pop to the UK alone to see your closest family? Not thinking of it as a holiday at all as it wont be for you in any way. And maybe to see if there's any period of respite for your brother in the year where your mum and dad, or even mum alone, could fly over to visit you for a break so they do a bit of the travelling and ds sees them on less stressful, unknown ground.