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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why on earth people think having one child is cruel?

171 replies

WoburnSands · 15/08/2016 09:19

Just this really. I don't understand why there is a negative stereotype around only children. People say - 'it's cruel to have one child' and then the other stereotype for only children is that they're spoilt. Surely this is ludicrous as these criticisms somewhat contradict each other?

Personally I think this kind of stereotype is a total myth.

OP posts:

MrsJorahMormont · 15/08/2016 16:55

I'm not close to my siblings although things are amicable at a superficial level. We made each other miserable especially in our teen years and that has helped me ignore the nonsense about our DD being a 'lonely only'. As for caring for aging parents, I look into the future with a bleak certainty that my siblings and I will have completely different ideas about what should happen, so that will be another decade of anger and bile to look forward to, after surviving my teens and escaping.

MorrisZapp · 15/08/2016 16:57

I'm 45 and live surrounded by outspoken people. I have never in my puff heard of parents of only children described as anything at all. I've got one kid but I rarely give it a thought.

I just think god he's such a lucky little toerag, he has an amazing life socially and materially compared to my own childhood.

But then I've never heard anybody pass comment on breast feeding, childlessness, family size or any other mn flash point. I wonder if much of it is perceived rather than real.

yorkshapudding · 15/08/2016 17:06

My point was that in an ideal world, you'd have a brother or sister

Whose ideal world? I was an only child and never had any desire for a sibling whatsoever. I still don't. I don't ever remember feeling lonely or like I was missing out so i've never really understood all the angst around 'giving' your child a sibling. I had a lovely childhood and have a very close (but in no way suffocating) relationship with my parents. So, no, my "ideal world" wouldn't include a sibling actually.

I also know plenty of adults who don't speak to their siblings at all or who have a 'polite but distant' sort of relationships with them. My best friend has a sister very close in age and describes her as having been "a blight on my childhood" as she says that every holiday, christmas, birthday etc was ruined by her bullying. They are now in their thirties and can't stand to be in the same room, they didn't even attend one another's weddings.

My DM is one of five siblings and the care of my elderly grandparents has fallen exclusively to her despite the fact that the others all live closer. I know many other families where it's a similar story so I think the argument about sharing makes a lot of assumptions that people will automatically do whats fair when sadly this is not always the case.

I think you have to be careful making sweeping statements about what is "preferable" or "ideal" when it comes to families because what is ideal for you may be far from ideal for someone else.

splendide · 15/08/2016 17:20

I do really worry about this. I have a nearly two year old and honestly I'm not sure I can do it again. Terrible PND, non-sleeper, DH not keen on another. But then I remember the cool stuff I used to do with my brothers on holidays and stuff and I feel like such a selfish bitch.

yorkshapudding · 15/08/2016 17:24

splendide taking care of your own mental health is absolutely not selfish. It's very responsible parenting.

rainbowrhythms · 15/08/2016 17:24

I feel exactly the same as you splendide

NotYoda · 15/08/2016 17:33

splendide

I agree with yorksha

There's nothing about having two that makes life less stressful, especially in the short term. It's rational and right that you'd base your decision on what you can handle.

You just have to deal with different issues, I imagine. I did have two, and am glad of that, but sibling relationships are not plain sailing, and me and DH think a lot about how we treat them as individuals, whether we are being fair, are we comparing. All that stuff.

If you stay at one, you'll just need to to a different set of thinking about them as an individual

NotYoda · 15/08/2016 17:35

... and I'd add, we all think about what experienced as a child and try and re-create that, or avoid it, but really all any of us should do is not project our stuff onto our children. IMO

FarAwayHills · 15/08/2016 17:38

I would have been happy to have just one until I realised that all my family live abroad, DH has one sibling who he's not close to also living abroad, meaning DD would have no family here if anything were to happen to us.

There is no right or wrong, just what's best for your family and your individual circumstances.

pegomassive1 · 15/08/2016 17:39

I a absolutely disagree that in an Ideal world you would have a brother or sister
My ds is 6y younger than me and tbh it was not an ideal childhood. Our personality clashed then and we clash now. This is why I said in my previous post I conduct our relationship mainly by telephone now. To be in the same room results in bickering and arguments.

aprilanne · 15/08/2016 17:40

the up side of being an only child is you get time and money spent on you in child hood .the very real down side is when your parents die thats it you have no one to share your family history with because there is only you .it is really shit being an only adult child .i have 3 sons because no way would i ever want them to feel the way i do .but thats just my experience .

phoenix1973 · 15/08/2016 17:47

I've got one child and I do feel sad for her. We don't have any kids in the family close by.
She is the only grandchild, who is much loved by them.
My sister has a child, and wants another solely as a sibling. She certainly does not want to go through birth again!
Holidays are not relaxing as she won't go to kids club and wants us to play with her. Which we do, but don't want to all day.
With lots of kids, you just send them off and they look out for each other. Cool.
A much less intense relationship with their parents, which could be healthier for both parties.
I'm not having anymore because I don't want any more. But sometimes I feel an aching heart for her.

NotYoda · 15/08/2016 17:50

phoenix

No they don't! Some are clingy too. Honestly. Don't assume it's because she's an only that she doesn't want to go to kids' clubs.

I have two boys and they are so different from each other. One is not at all sociable. On is, but also needs lots of attention.

I don't want to intrude, but I'd maybe suggest that if you are feeling guilty about her being an only that maybe affects your actions - so maybe it's OK to send her to kids' club and let her get on with it!!

TheScottishPlay · 15/08/2016 17:53

My Mil (half) jokes that we should have had more and Sil stop at one. Rather than being concerned with caring for her 80 year old parents with varying health issues she dumps her two squabbling bairns on them at every opportunity.

phoenix1973 · 15/08/2016 17:54

Not yoda
True

AgentJ · 15/08/2016 18:14

Not always, april unfortunately. I'd rather have had much less money spent on me and much more time. My DM was never there, she was always chasing more money (for her) and never ever listened to my wanting her to actually show up to an assembly once in a while.

PennyAsset · 15/08/2016 18:32

I'm amazed by all these siblings reminiscing about their shared childhoods . I'm one of five with long dead parents and we never agree on how things were when we were kids. We remember our younger years/family life very differently!

ifcatscouldtalk · 15/08/2016 19:08

Very emotive subject. Every family is unique and nothing is perfect. I have one child and at 11 people's insensitive and unhelpful comments are fizzing out. My family have given up all hope of me having another and to be honest after years of others expectations and waiting for me to break the good news i'm glad theve given up. Me and my daughter are close, shes a lively, outgoing kid and hopefully won't hate me for my choice. Lifes for enjoying, not having a long list of things to feel guilty about. Funnily my husband was never questioned over our family size.

fatimamansions · 15/08/2016 19:22

DH has four siblings. "Idyllic" upbringing in the country.

Three of his siblings moved abroad (far, far away) in their early twenties and won't be coming back except for holidays. The remaining sibling is dependent on his parents.

So in old age, with four siblings, DH will be the sole carer. Grief? He's on his own, apart from me.

Lweji · 15/08/2016 19:34

On the childhood stories, you can still tell your children about it, or share stories with childhood friends or people from the same neighbourhood.
Worst case, write a book with your life history.

ifcatscouldtalk · 15/08/2016 19:34

morris really not just perceieved with my family. Some of them are real nose aches. .

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