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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why on earth people think having one child is cruel?

171 replies

WoburnSands · 15/08/2016 09:19

Just this really. I don't understand why there is a negative stereotype around only children. People say - 'it's cruel to have one child' and then the other stereotype for only children is that they're spoilt. Surely this is ludicrous as these criticisms somewhat contradict each other?

Personally I think this kind of stereotype is a total myth.

OP posts:
Diamondsandpurls · 15/08/2016 12:39

I have two, through choice, but I understand people wanting an only child, it's bloody hard work! I don't think it's cruel, I think having 6+ is not fair though, when do any of the children get one on one time with a parent? and the people having 10+ seem to get the older children to bring up the younger ones, now that is cruel in my opinion.

PeggyMitchell123 · 15/08/2016 12:44

I am getting it all the time now my ds is nearly 3. I am not totally against having another child but right now it's just not the right time for us as a family or for me. Our son is happy, I take him to various playgroups, he is about to start nursery, has lots of friends etc. We also do a lot as a family.

One aunt particularly is driving me nuts. Constantly tells me it's cruel to have one, he'll be lonely, spoilt etc then complains her 3 boys argue and fight all the time, how her 3 boys are difficult to handle all together out and about and how everything is more expensive for 3 Confused

AndNowItsSeven · 15/08/2016 12:53

Diamond I am a sahm my dh works flexi hours. Our dc have plenty of one to time probably more than a two child family with whop but I would call them cruel.

Lweji · 15/08/2016 12:54

leopardgecko

You could still be alone with your memories with siblings.

NothingMoreThanFelines · 15/08/2016 12:57

I'm going back and forth on this question at the moment. Our DD is 2, with additional needs. I'm almost 45. I think having a sibling would be great for DD. On the other hand, I wouldn't want a second child to feel burdened by responsibility for their sister once DP and I are dead. I don't feel a huge need for another child on my own account - my pregnancy was awful, and DP and I are a bit old and knackered. But everyone I know who's had a second child after having a first with a learning disability says their older child has really benefited. Aaaaargh - I just don't know!

Original poster
WoburnSands · 15/08/2016 12:57

Yes to the PP who asked I'm an only child. I could go into my childhood etc but that would probably provide enough fodder for about 20 threads and I could take over the entire 'stately homes' section!!
What I would have wanted is NOT siblings but a good role model who is an only child.

One thing I felt strongly about is how my parents tried to force friendships on me. This achieved precisely nothing and made me a people pleaser. I feel they were negligent in not encouraging me to have more self respect/confidence in myself.

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 15/08/2016 13:01

My mum had three siblings; they are all dead now, two in childhood and one in early middle age. Siblings are no guarantee of sharing care of elderly parents, or indeed of having someone to share 'do you remembers' with.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 15/08/2016 13:02

The number of chidren you have is so personal, all down to timing - finding a person you want to have children with, fertility - whether you can chose to have the number of chidren you want when you want them, and desire - whether you actually want 0,1,2,3+ children.

I was born so far behind my three siblings I effectively grew up an only child once I was about 6. It wasnt ideal for me, I was envious of friends with closer in age brothers and sisters. Maybe the experience of having some siblings which I loved, made me yearn for me to have more who were closer in age.

I wouldn't call it cruel, but I would never have had an only. If I had an accident once my three were older, I would have had a fifth to give her company Grin.

It's a very personal thing, and hopefully both partners are in agreement about number of dc they would like.

Original poster
WoburnSands · 15/08/2016 13:02

NothingMoreThanTheFelines - i think whatever decision you make will be the right one. If you have a second child they won't necessarily feel burdened by the responsibility. Then again, neither would sticking at 1 child be wrong. Also worth bearing in mind that no 2 pregnancies are the same and sometimes 2nd and subsequent ones are better than the first.

OP posts:
TheScottishPlay · 15/08/2016 13:05

I think adult 'onlies' see the sibling relationship through very rose tinted spectacles!

surferjet · 15/08/2016 13:09

I must add, I grew up with one brother & two sisters - I hate the sight of two of them ( haven't seen them in years ) & the other one I only see once a year if that.
I always preferred my friends.

surferjet · 15/08/2016 13:10

Interesting x post.

NothingMoreThanFelines · 15/08/2016 13:12

WoburnSands - that's very true about pregnancies varying, and mine may have been worse partly because things weren't quite right.

FWIW, I was an only child up to the age of 7 and really hated not having siblings. Because of the age gap, my brother and I weren't particularly close in childhood but we get on very well now and join forces in gentle teasing of our increasingly eccentric parents. I'm very glad my parents went ahead and had another child.

On the other hand, we've just spent the weekend with some friends and their utterly delightful 10-year-old DD. She's an only child and seems very secure, happy and loved.

Houseconfusion · 15/08/2016 13:14

No. Adult onlines have a wide variety of adult friends. Some of these friends get along with their siblings, some don't. Adult onlines, like all adults from their world views after taking everything into account. Their views are as valid discounting them as rose-tinted is quite infantilising really.

I don't sit and miss Ye Olde beautiful days of sibling hood where my brother and I mig have played hide and seek beneath a beautiful tree. I watch sibling relationships around me, good and bad, and reach the conclusion, given my personal parental situation that siblings may have been good. No rose and no tint anywhere there.

SandyY2K · 15/08/2016 13:20

Having been faced with one of my parents having cancer recently and the stress and everything else that has come with that, glad I have siblings, because the whole thing (hospital appointments, operation recovery, further diagnosis, fortnightly chemo for 6 months etcc) would have been impossible to do on my own.

When it got too much one of us, there was someone else to step in. We kept each other sane during a very difficult time.

My family is a very close one and we all get on very well. Our kids are more like siblings than cousins, because we are close and supportive of each other.

My siblings have my back and I can rely and depend on them more than anyone else no matter what.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 15/08/2016 13:23

I have one DD. I'd love another, but:

I have endometriosis,
My husband works away every month,
I had a high risk pregnancy,
I had PND

so there's lots of reasons she's an only. But because she's a happy little girl, people wonder why I don't have more.

I don't feel like I need to tell people the above reasons.

But it hurts to be asked.

I'd dare them to report me to Social Services.

Spudlet · 15/08/2016 13:35

Someone is going to have a problem with every decision you make as a parent (and IMO mums bear the brunt of it).

Formula feeder? You're ruining your child's life!

Breastfeeding? Better stop after 6 months or you're holding your child back!

Sling user? Your child will be clingy! Are you sure they can breathe in there?

Pram user? How can you be so heartless and push your baby away! And it's far too big, you entitled mum...

Stay at home? What kind of example is that to set, you lazy daytime tv watcher!

Go back to work? How can you bear to leave your precious baby, you heartless career bitch!

So why should family size be any different... Confused

WilLiAmHerschel · 15/08/2016 13:36

I have a dd and don't plan to have any more children. From mumsnet I have gathered that the biggest complaint of only children is having nobody to help you care for elderly parents.

I have two siblings. They are utterly useless and make life hard for my not-quite elderly mother. There is no doubt in my mind that they will do absolutely nothing when she gets old enough to need help from us, they will do nothing and it will all be left to me. I don't think a sibling is a guarantee of anything.

pegomassive1 · 15/08/2016 13:36

We have only had one comment about needing to have another. I ignored it but I wish I'd said something quick witted Sad

My dm and dgm have both said that they "wouldn't blame me" for not having another due to the traumatic medical situation I was in post birth.
I'm happy with how things are and my dd has a whole host of cousins on her dad's side who adore her and have adopted her as little sister. She also has a cousin who is an only (which wasn't a choice) who is a lovely well adjusted girl and a good role model for my dd. Her mum and dad are who I would turn to for any advice.

I'm not an only but my ds is a bit younger than me and we have a good relationship though mainly conducted by phone.

I feel society makes too much of a "thing" about only children and maybe we are feeding the beast by having this discussion

WilLiAmHerschel · 15/08/2016 13:47

It is cruel to enforce being an only child on one who is extremely unhappy with it purely through a parents selfish reasons. "I don't want to" is selfish and I kind of a child has no close cousins etc and no extended family to rely on later.

Carrying a child for nine months is no easy feat. I found it really, physically hard. Once the child is born there are a lot of practical arrangements to be made. I am currently nt working but want to go back in a year or two. Both of those are factors in me not wanting another child and both are valid reasons. Hardly selfish.

Agent, you may have been desperately unhappy as an only child but you have absolutely no way of knowing if you'd have been happier with a sibling.

Bear2014 · 15/08/2016 13:52

I don't worry about having 'only' one child to care for me in old age. I DO worry about being a burden on her and her having no one to share the load with. My mum is an only child. My Gran had dementia so she helped care for her for a decade, then she died last year so she had to support my Grandad through that and continues to support him most days. Also last year, her great aunt 200 miles away died, who had no children of her own, so she had to sort out her house that had not been touched for 60 years, and her estate that was in disarray due to her also having had dementia. I feel sorry for her, especially as it means she can't spend much time with my DD, who she adores.

Original poster
WoburnSands · 15/08/2016 13:54

I feel society makes too much of a "thing" about only children and maybe we are feeding the beast by having this discussion.

Yes I agree and that's why I was in some ways reluctant to start the thread. Then again, I strongly feel that some people can be unfairly negative about only children (as well as large families - they don't escape the flack!!) - and I wanted to hear people's honest opinions.

OP posts:
WilLiAmHerschel · 15/08/2016 14:08

I have to say, so far I've not been told that having an only child is cruel but I have been badgered on when we are having another since my dd was a few weeks old. I genuinely don't know why some people are so bothered.

drinkingtea · 15/08/2016 14:23

For some people the only socially acceptable family is mother, father, boy child, girl child. Any other combination and you will be expected to try to alter the balance ... if you have 2 boys you must want to try for a girl etc.

BestZebbie · 15/08/2016 14:30

As well as the experiences of the parents during their own childhoods (loved/hated their own sibling situation), I strongly suspect that this is an introvert/extrovert thing. Extroverts will be horrified by the idea of not having another person permanently on call to recharge with, introverts will value giving a child protected space away from others.