To wonder why on earth people think having one child is cruel?

[WoburnSands]

Just this really. I don't understand why there is a negative stereotype around only children. People say - 'it's cruel to have one child' and then the other stereotype for only children is that they're spoilt. Surely this is ludicrous as these criticisms somewhat contradict each other?

Personally I think this kind of stereotype is a total myth.

Incidentally, I also think it's ludicrous when people say that people who have v large families e.g. 8/10 + children are 'cruel' in some way.

Families of that size have been v common and normal traditionally - it's only recently that the much smaller family has been in vogue.

Families of all sizes have potential merits.

I was an only child and hated it.
I am an adult now and hate having no siblings.
I compensated.

I have 11 kids who all say they love that there is so many of them!!

I love how Hermione's husband is from a big family. Is he actually Ron?

Bear2014 - thing is I've met so many only children who as adults are resourceful, confident, happy, popular etc it sort of drives the negative only child stereotype into the ground.

I always liked teaching only children.

This thread is well timed for us

We really can't decide about a 2nd child. I thought it would be unfair on DS to not have a sibling but DH and I are both from large families. We're also in our 40s so time isn't on our side.
I'd love another one but didn't have a risk-free pregnancy. DS and I came through it unscathed and he is a happy laid back easy baby who sleeps well. Should we be grateful for what we've got? Probably but it doesn't stop the need. Am I selfish? Maybe.
We don't have loads of money, I'm back at work part time but would struggle to save enough for another maternity leave.
DH is on the fence, he is happy to go along with my decision

There is no ideal number, having just one has many advantages. I wouldn't even consider the care element when older as people surely don't have more than one child expecting full care when in their later years.

Larger families have more problems, siblings that don't get on. Little time, space, privacy, money, hobbies, clubs etc and usually have far more chores and are expected to look after younger siblings.

There's no guarantee siblings will get on or even like each other. I can see why many have an only child.

I have a DD only. I was on the fence for another but my husband having witness his parents' marriage disintegrate with 2 kids was very against it. So I went with the flow.
Is our DD spoilt? She is. She doesn't get what she wants all the time. She's no Verucca Salt but having two big incomes we can afford the best private schools, exotic holidays, Weekend jaunts in Europe, any extra curricular activity she wants and our full undivided attention.
We do have her friends over and she spends her summer break with her 3 cousins in a Mediterranean beach but she still complains that she'll never feel what having a sister or brother feels like. It was a killer to hear until she decided to 'adopt' her cousins. If you ask her she says, she has 3 siblings which is confusing for many.
Do I regret it? I do sometimes. Does my husband regrets it? Not at all.
My mother lost her brother in his 40's, so she was a sole parent carer and my husband's sister emigrated to Australia so it looks like we will be my MIL's sole carers too. You never know.

The 'only'child' children I know are all lovely, well adjusted and don't seem any more spoilt than other children the same age.

The only thing I would say is that my SIL is an only child and she struggled with her husband's large family (her husband is my husband's brother), she seemed overwhelmed by large family gatherings and it wasn't until she had her daughter that she really wanted to join in. Her parents have sadly passed away in the last few years and she does say that she feels very sad that there's no-one left on her side of the family, the only family she has is on her husband's side. She's never said she missed having siblings but does feel very alone now.

Perhaps those who accuse of the only=cruelty mean those that choose to have only one child? In my family there is one who has an only by circumstance (TTC 2nd but no joy) and the others are by choice. Mostly because they don't want to do pregnancy/birth/newborn stage again.

At the end of the day people will comment/give their view on everything, you don't have to take it on board though.

WoburnSands - absolutely. We'll make sure of it if she ends up being an only. She sees friends most days of her life so I don't feel too sorry for her.

It completely depends on the parents. If they are spending every single evening and weekend watching tv and the kid/ teen is bored out of his mind, it's cruel because the child is lonely and very bored. Some parents with several kids just tell them to play together and leave them in peace, so it's not much better (SOME parents).

All my friends with a single child spend their weekends (and holidays etc) entertaining them, the kids have a huge social life, plenty of friends, travel, do activities and sports. They don't seem terribly upset or lonely to me! It's more tiring for the parents than anything else, but that's what being a parent means.

It's harder to be a single child with elderly parents, when they are several of you, you can share the care and the grief. It sounds that some siblings are happy to completely abandon their elderly parents anyway, so nothing is ideal.

It's cruel to neglect your child (I don't mean abuse or anything horrible in any way), not to have a single one.

I was thinking about this at the weekend, we were at a play park and at one bit DS was sitting at the bottom of the slide watching all the other children (none on their own) and he looked so sad, it broke my heart, in fact I've got a lump in my throat typing this. I went over and played with him for a while then he went up to two boys (unprompted) and asked to join in and he played with them for a few hours.
I wondered if having a sibling would have been better for him, but I miscarried after his birth twice and maybe selfishly couldn't carry on, it's so hard to hear people say 'oh but he would love a little brother or sister' or 'he's lonely'
We play with him loads, I make arrangements to meet up with friends with children and he's not shy to ask others to play, it's the whole 'poor only child' mentality that upsets me and probably doesn't bother him at all

Woburn
I'm not sure I agree with you on very large families. I think there is a point where a family is so big that children are not getting the parental attention they need. DH is one of 12, he is the youngest so probably didn't do too badly but i think the ones in the middle lost out.

Whilst large families were historically common, many of the children didn't make it to adulthood.

I don't think it's cruel to have 1 child at all. I loved growing up with 2 siblings and we are fortunate that we get along so well. Because I had such a good experience of having siblings, it does make me sad to think what it would have been like growing up alone. But I know that I would have been just fine.
I think people need to stick their nose out of other people's business. If I am fortunate enough to have a few children then I would like 3 or 4. But there's no saying whether they will get on. But I will try my hardest to bring them up similarly and hopefully they will have the positive relationship that my brothers and I have.

I am an only child and I hate it. I was permanently lonely as a child.

I have no one to reminisce about the past with (I always feel jealous when DH talks to his sister about theres).

I also feel sad that my DD will never have any cousins from my side of the family or even an uncle or aunt.

I'm yet to find the positive side of being a single child.

The only downside to being an only child I can see is the caring for elderly parents scenario - that there's no-one to share the load with. But then again I've read countless threads on MN where one sibling isn't sharing the load in any case and the poster is effectively on their own.

Other than that I'd imagine only children to be pretty confident and resilient people. I have 4 DCs, and they've always relied on each other for company and stimulation - they aren't especially good at keeping themselves occupied on their own which I worry about sometimes.

This person's research on only children, which does not bear out the stereotypes, might interest you:

www.theguardian.com/higher-education-network/2016/jan/18/my-phd-busts-the-old-stereotypes-about-selfish-smug-only-children

It's another of those things - like not having children at all - that people feel rudely entitled to comment on. That's why it's useful to have research to draw on. My own experiences would totally contradict those of the pp who said only children control their parents more - from what I've seen they are less so because they don't have to fight for time with them.

Have come to the conclusion whatever decision woman make over family planning (none, one, lots!), there will be someone out there who will use it as a stick to beat you with. Ignore them.

I was an only child, and based on my experience, I wouldn't have just one by choice.

It's suffocsting, and this is something that other only children I've met have said too - no matter how well-meaning parents of only children are, they can't help but be overbearing.

My Dad was an only child and hated it. He really felt lonely especially as his parents were both deceased by his early 20s. I had 5 miscarriages after my first DD and really struggled with the pressure of not wanting her to be an only child because of Dad's experiences. I feel very blessed to have had 2 more eventually.
Cruel is such an awful word to use as often the only child is not from choice.

There's no right or wrong with this one is there? I was the fourth of five - none of us were planned - we just 'came along' and I didn't particularly like the rough and tumble of being in a large family.

On the other hand we had school friends who were an only child, some of them were lovely, more confident about making friends, etc but one of them was spoiled rotten with a piano, a swing in her garden (which no-one else was allowed to play on) and dear me, what a brat she turned out to be. Very rebellious with a bossy snooty mother - she gave her no end of grief and they were estranged for a while so it's down to personalities I think.

There is so much guilt nowadays in all aspects of parenting. This "spending all my time with my children" is something I don't want to do, nor do I think it is necessary or healthy for either the child or the parent. The UK have the highest rate of intervening parents (ie fret most about spending time/money on our children) yet we rank fairly lowly on the "happiest children" list. It may be harder for only children now than in the past because our lifestyle has changed post-industrial society. Children don't play out as much, parents are expected to be entertainers etc.

Chasz - yes I can see your point about insufficient parental attention.

I hated being an only child. Didn't have a large extended family, so no cousins I was close to. Was often very lonely, and my parents weren't particularly emotionally close to each other or me so a lot of the time I didn't really feel like I was part of a family unit at all, which I always thought having a sibling might have helped with. Now that I'm an adult, I wish I had someone around who I'd shared my childhood with, and who could help me deal with my mum (!), and I also wish I could have nieces and nephews, etc (DH is also an only child).

I wouldn't have wanted to have just one child for these reasons. I can see why some people have a negative perspective on it, BUT there are many people who have vastly different and more positive experiences of being an only (people with close extended families in particular, I'm guessing), and many people who seem to dislike having siblings. I think it's often just about personal experience.