To wonder why on earth people think having one child is cruel?

[WoburnSands]

Just this really. I don't understand why there is a negative stereotype around only children. People say - 'it's cruel to have one child' and then the other stereotype for only children is that they're spoilt. Surely this is ludicrous as these criticisms somewhat contradict each other?

Personally I think this kind of stereotype is a total myth.

Bad birth injuries to us both mean I only have one. MIL still goes on at me even though she knows what we have been through. My dad was an only and thinks it was shit but his mum hated him. I never asked her but I suspect she suffered similar to me and couldn't have another and felt her health was wrecked by my dad. I try to make my only's life a happy one. I knew from day one that this would be an only so much easier knowing all firsts would also be lasts. People who criticise are assholes who have no idea.

I think my introversion is why I value my siblings so much. I have friends I can do things with but I do find social interaction wearing at times. With my siblings I can do nothing. I think I'd be lonely if I didn't have people I can spend time with without having to speak.

I have a dd and don't plan to have any more children. From mumsnet I have gathered that the biggest complaint of only children is having nobody to help you care for elderly parents.

Can I say in my own defence (and as someone whose mother has just entered a care home because I can no longer meet her needs) that I have not wanted someone to physically help with the care over the last half a dozen years, but more someone to share in the decision making process. I do not know if I have made the right decision for my mum, I do not know if she would approve if she was able to make a decision, but I have had to do what I THINK is the right decision for everyone, but not at all sure if I am correct in it, or if I am wrongly prioritising my children's needs above those of my mothers. I just wish for someone else who cares for my mum to be able to help in the decision making process.

I don't think it's cruel as such and nor do I think it's an open topic of conversation for others to speculate as to why parents only have one child - no one would dream of going up to someone with 2 or 3 kids and questioning why this is the case yet people with one child are often asked etc I also hate the implied mock sympathy often directed to only child families some of whom may prefer one child some of whom may have a significant back story as to why they can only have one child

That said I am not sure it is an ideal or preferred situation in my opinion because unless parents are fortunate to have lots of other children of similar age in their extended family or friendship groups - it can be difficult for the child and for the parent in entertaining the child. It depends on who you know and where you live but around here it's still predominately made up of families of 2 or 3 kids who perhaps are a bit more self reliant and don't need to do play dates or joint days out etc this is especially the case if the 2 or 3 kids are of the same sex and it can just be hard to make the connection with those in a similar boat

leopardgecko You could still be alone with your memories with siblings.

Yes, you are right of course. Sorry.

Also agree with bestzebbie it does very much depend on personality type of the child

Benefits of an extrovert only is they more likely and confident to be "joiners" of clubs and activities and learn to initiate social contact with others through sheer necessity of meeting their extrovert needs the only down side is they need constant social interaction which can be hard to provide from a family of 3

Benefits of an introvert is that they would maybe flourish more in a smaller less competitive hectic family but it may be harder to get them socially join in which I think as a parent I might find harder

No situation is perfect and everyone's perfect situation is different anyway

Siblings are no guarantee of sharing care of elderly parents, or indeed of having someone to share 'do you remembers' with

It was me who said that, so yes sorry you are right. Although as I said elsewhere it is not the physical or financial cost of the care I am concerned about, or even the time, but more wanting someone to help make the decisions for her future, as I am only one person and I may be wrong in the decision I have made for her.

Because my sister is my best friend in the whole world.

With the planet so fucked, and over populated with humans, you really ought to consider what you're forcing yet more humans into. If you must produce biological children, do it for your own selfish reasons, not for your future healthcare, not for your offspring who already exist. Consider the expenses you will incur, the damage that extra consumer will inflict on the environment in their lifetime, what their future will be like as climate change and overpopulation only worsens

I'm going back and forth on this question at the moment. Our DD is 2, with additional needs. I'm almost 45. I think having a sibling would be great for DD. On the other hand, I wouldn't want a second child to feel burdened by responsibility for their sister once DP and I are dead.

nothingmorethanfelines I understand your situation. Three of my children have additional needs and the youngest does not. They are all now adult, although the three obviously still need our help and support and live at home. My daughter who now has a family of her own has never once felt burdened by the responsibility of her brothers, it is simply not an issue for her. Her and her partner will willingly "take over" her brother's care - although it is something we would never have asked her to do. The only struggle she has had was during teenage years when she felt a guilt that she did not suffer the problems her brothers did. But that time passed.

(my children are all adopted but natural siblings)

With the planet so fucked, and over populated with humans, you really ought to consider what you're forcing yet more humans into. If you must produce biological children, do it for your own selfish reasons, not for your future healthcare, not for your offspring who already exist. Consider the expenses you will incur, the damage that extra consumer will inflict on the environment in their lifetime, what their future will be like as climate change and overpopulation only worsens

Not sure if I am one of the people you are talking about, or not, importantspanielbusiness but incase so, as an only child I was always determined to have a large family, as large as possible. As it turned out we adopted 4 children as little ones, plus have more recently cared for 3 others on a permenant fostering basis (plus lots of other foster children for respite/short term care). I do know that other people can look at us and the size of our family with the views you have shared (fair enough)...oh and never claimed a benefit either! LOL

Of course it's not cruel but I think it is preferable to have a sibling.

Even if you're not best friends, it is still the one person who really understands your upbringing/childhood...you can never replicate that with friends.

An interesting point re decision making for elderly parents, I look at it completely the other way - I will be able to decide whatever I think is best if/when that time comes and that strikes me as so much easier than having to negotiate and debate with siblings. I just think of the threads on here where the OP wants to do x but one sibling wants y and the other wants z but only one of them is picking up the work etc. DH has two siblings, throw in a step parent as well and I really dread what it will be like for him if he and his siblings have to make decisions. The irony is as well is my parents have all the decision making power of attorney stuff drawn up and I have copies even though if none of it existed legally it would just be me deciding in any case.

The memories thing is a personal thing I suspect. I still have a couple of friends from child hood who share many memories, add in children of godparents and close family friends plus the very very distantly related but emotionally very close family member my age and I have no shortage of shared memories and people to reminisce with if I want.

Re the points about extroverts, introverts, happiness as adults and children and so on - it boils down to there are happy self-confident onlies and non-onlies and there are great parents of onlies and more than one and shit parents of onlies and more than one. What makes you and affects how you are in life and handle it is way more than just the number of people you share DNA with.

Of course it's not cruel but I think it is preferable to have a sibling.

yes, and it's preferable to have a mother and a father, both still alive and loving you.

What is your point?

yes, and it's preferable to have a mother and a father, both still alive and loving you.

Actually both my parents died when I was young so I'm especially grateful to have my sibling.

My point was that in an ideal world, you'd have a brother or sister.

It's not always an ideal world though.

I just don't know why people actually feel they have the right to comment on the number of kids anyone else has.

If I see a couple with one child, I assume that's what they want or that they can't have another one. Same as when I know childless couples. They have either chosen that or they can't have kids.

Either way, it's really nobody else's business, but I also find having only daughters, people would always ask if I'll be trying for a boy.

As a PP said, people always have something to say.

One man said congratulations to me when I was out with DD, at just a few weeks old, then when he found out she was a girl, he said he's taking the congratulations back.

You can't argue with stupid people.

My DH works in a care home. The amount of residents who have 4 or 5 children but who are hardly visited by any is shocking. Or it's been left to one sibling cos the rest have fucked off

I'll have to care for my parents and make the decisions, yes, but by then DD will be an adult and will probably have something to say, given how close she is to my parents.

I don't think either decision is better or worse. It depends on the family, like a PP poster said.

My DD has spent most of the week building dens in nearby parkland with her cousins and neighbours. Tomorrow we're visiting friends at their farm, she'll have fun on the quads with the youngest girl. Today she was cuddling her baby cousin, and now she's playing in our garden with yet another friend. This weekend we are going camping and bringing another cousin with us.

She is a lucky kid. She's just surrounded by people who love her and want to spend time with her. Tbh I forget she is an only child, our house is always full of children

As for not having anyone to reminisce about my upbringing.... I don't really care about that personally. Maybe it will be different when my parents are gone, but again, plenty of siblings don't communicate

Dd who is nearly 4 is an only.

I always said after such a traumatic birth that i would never have another!

However as such as dd turned 3 i desperately wanted another but we havent been able to concieve. Nobody knows we are ttc but im fed up of the comments asking me when im having another. I keep telling people i dont want another and im happy with just dd as i dont want people knowing im ttc and struggling.

I wish people would not pry into why people only have one child and constantly ask them to have another as its not fair on dd

Everything people say about any number of kids is bullshit. It depends on the parents and money and how much help you have and also the personality of the children!

There's pros and cons to all family sizes!

I am glad this thread was started as am currently extremely conflicted about this. I had DS 5 months ago. Before he was born I was adamant I would never have an only child. I have four siblings and we're all really really close and I wanted that for my son.

However the idea of an only child is now more and more attractive to me. Mainly for selfish reasons. I'm 27 so if we only had the one I would get my life back while still quite young for instance.

But if I'm thinking purely of DS then I do think he would be better off with a sibling or two.

Obviously I cannot have another just for that reason, but that is what I think.

leopardgecko - thank you for sharing that. It's heartening to hear about a grown-up child who doesn't resent the responsibility that they'll bear for their siblings once their parents aren't around.

I think everyone (if they have a choice, and many don't) should think about the implications of their choices, for them and their child.

There are only children and Only Children. Some children have not been exposed to enough sharing and negotiation and are too much in the parietal spotlight. Most are not like this

Equally, there are siblings who get on and siblings who have been encouraged, by thoughtless parenting, to not get on.

So YANBU

parental spotlight, not parietal

It entirely depends on your parents. Both me and dh are only children and both were very lonely in childhood and struggled to make friends/connect with people. As such we have 3dc and want more if possible.

However, that is because our parents never made any effort to befriend any other parents or have any playdates. I was rarely (about 6 times in my childhood) invited to peoples houses as my parents never reciprocated. I rarely went to birthday parties as my parents were too busy/unwilling to take me. they sent me to saturday school all day so they could do their own thing and Sunday was spent fitting into their social life and pub opening times. And holidays were so miserable i dreaded them. The loneliness and boredom was awful, i was sent to really crappy unregulated childminders till 11, then after i was just home alone all day watching telly. Same as after school - come home to an empty house and watch telly/eat biscuits till 6.30 when mum would come home and start dinner.

They basically had only one child because they didn't want to change their lifestyle in any way.

Oddly enough tho people always comment on how good i am at sharing and how generous i am and was as a child and how unusual this is, but dh is the same. Our theory is, that because we had everything we ever wanted materially (and more) we were quite happy to share and give it away, and in my case try to buy friends.

If we are generalising, I have found the meanest, most selfish people were those from large families who were forced to share and had very little of their own.