To wonder why on earth people think having one child is cruel?

[WoburnSands]

Just this really. I don't understand why there is a negative stereotype around only children. People say - 'it's cruel to have one child' and then the other stereotype for only children is that they're spoilt. Surely this is ludicrous as these criticisms somewhat contradict each other?

Personally I think this kind of stereotype is a total myth.

5 YEARS, not tears!

It is cruel to enforce being an only child on one who is extremely unhappy with it purely through a parents selfish reasons. "I don't want to" is selfish and I kind of a child has no close cousins etc and no extended family to rely on later.

It is not cruel to have an only if all members of the family are happy with it. It is, of course, not cruel to be a one child family through circumstance and not choice.

It's a sweeping generalisation to say either way is definitive, it's entirely dependent on the family involved.

I am a very unhappy only child, I have always hated it and begged for a sibling. I firmly believe that, along with the admitted selfish 'I don't want more' from my mother, it has been a long standing form of control. I have no extended family, no cousins, no Dad's side at all and so I am reliant on her as my only family. It keeps me where she wants me as, although she's toxic, I love her and without her I am alone.

It is cruel to impose a child on parents who don't want one.
It's a huge commitment.

And there are no guarantees that the siblings will be good to each other.

I'd always go with parental preference and not for the largely hypothetical sake of the child.

AgentJ it's possible that "I don't want to" could be caused by circumstance. For example, someone might not want to due to their birthing experience. They wouldn't necessarily share that with people as the reason. I don't think it's selfish to not want to, because the reasons for not wanting to are broad and none of anyone else's business.

There seems to be some kind of assumption that if you're old, you 'need' looking after by your children. What a load of bollocks.

DS(6) is an only at the moment, although we are considering trying for another (not for him - I really want one myself).

I don't have good relationships with either of my sisters and barely see them, nor they with each other, but they are still there, and we have a common bond that transcends actually liking each other. We have some extended phone calls over issues that unite us (our batshit mother) and there's comfort in that.

If DS had cousins, I wouldn't be bothered so much, but he only has one who he has seen twice in four years, and that cousin has her father's other children, who she lives with half the week, and also has active grandparents.

I am acutely aware of how small DS' family is, and it saddens me. This won't apply to most people, who have involved cousins and aunts and uncles, but it makes me think how alone he might be in the world when he's an adult.

I don't think anybody should have a second child just to give DC1 a sibling. Children should be wanted for their own sake.

Me and DB were very close as young children but had a feud in our 30s that lasted about 10 years . When our DM wants something it's always up to me to see to her; he openly admits he CBA.

We have a set of 4 all very close together who are now adults, and an extra one who is effectively an only. When she was born I fully intended to have another when she was about 3, so she wasn't alone, but circumstances overtook us and there will be no more. I hoped we'd have had DGC by now near her age but also zilch. In her class a good 50% of them are onlies, so it does seem to be a trend.

Apparently a large amount of the blame for many of the (debunked, but still tightly clung to) myths about only children sits with G. Stanley Hall.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/G._Stanley_Hall

Absolutely baba as I tried to say, badly, every single circumstance is different. What I meant to say was that my experience was very much of a selfish mother, who didn't even want to have me if I'm honest, I'm fairly sure she doesn't really want me now and wouldn't have me if she had a do-over. Which is nice.

I have 4 DCs and it's wonderful - not without negatives of course - I wouldn't have had an only child for all the world.

I'm always at people who think it's all going to work out nicely when they are old because they have more than one child. In my experience as a social worker for older people, it is always the family where there are multiple children where we get more involved due to family rows, often over money and care homes. I can't tell you how many families have siblings who refuse to talk to each other and think the local authority is their personal "parent" and mediator. While the only child may have more responsibility for their ailing parent, on the whole, we have less input because there's less need to act as the peacemaker.

I don't think it's cruel to only have one child but I do think it's cruel to spoil a child so i don't think that's a contradiction.

I wouldn't want to be an only but I know lots of happy onlies and lots of people who have nothing to do with their siblings. I wouldn't like to have an only and found it quite intense when I only had dc1. Other people love that closeness.

I've never actually heard anyone say its cruel but hear the spoilt thing a lot.

The thing is you get blanket commebts the other way around which are just as ridiculous - number of siblings (whether 0 or 1,2,3,4,5...) does not make a child happy or unhappy, spoilt or well balanced or anything else on its own - it all depends hpw the parents deal with whatever number of children they have, and on all the personalities involved.

Where we live many people choose to have an only and some of the onlies are lovely well balanced happy seeming children and some are horribly spoilt creatures who think other children are their inferiors and their play things put on earth to do as they say, and whose parents encourage this belief, and most are
just normal kids - this applies to children with siblings too.

I know of 3 very spoilt and difficult children - one is an only, one the youngest of 5, one the oldest of 2 with a big age gap ...

The nicest kids I can think of (aside from my own are an only, the younger of two with a small gap, and the youngest of 3 with a big age gap - number of siblings alone means nothing.

I'm an only child, and while I probably spent too much time with my nose in a book, I have never felt lonely. I was bullied in primary school for unrelated reasons, bit I had extended family and my parents were always doing fun things with me. I have honestly never wanted a sibling.

If I'm honest, I don't really see what the big fuss is about adult sibling relationships. Not that they are all bad, just that a lot I know have nothing really in common, live far apart and never see each other etc. I'm sure they love each other very much, but I don't look at their relationships and feel I'm missing out.

Then of course you have the brothers and sisters who are all fighting and bickering.

It just seems like a lottery really. If I could have been promised a sibling who I would love to bits, see as a friend etc, then yes I'm sure that would have been great. But it's just as likely that we wouldn't have had much in common.

DD will probably be an only child, I have secondary infertility and she's nine now, so even if we do have another, it will be during her teen years rather than her childhood
She does go through stages where she wants a sibling, but we've explained that while we would love to give her one, it's not happening for medical reasons that we can't help. She also wants a dog and a baby sloth too meanwhile she has tons of friends, extended family including cousins she is close to, and she goes out to play every day with children in our street

I don't think it's cruel, it's not I choice I would have made, but equally most people would not choose to have 7.

I have very selfish and spoilt nephews and nieces, which are not only children.
DS can often be indulged, but he's not selfish at all and can take and often hears no.
He enjoys being on his own and has a choice of playing with his cousins and friends, but often prefers to be alone doing his thing.

I have experienced both being an only child and having siblings (three much younger siblings) and I always vowed I would never have an only child. Then I had DS and realised I could never do that again, I genuinely have no idea how people have more than one baby, you are all very brave!

The worst bit is when you granddad tells you not only are you being selfish but what happens if that child dies. My answer? Then granddad he dies, I can't replace my child even if I have 5 others.

The one time I go this one, having thought I'd heard them all I coolly looked at the woman and casually asked if she was having an affair, just in case anything happend to her husband .

My second favourite was an ex colleague who rang me to try to sell some some consultancy/software from his new company. He started off with all the social chitchat including asking if I'd had another child (DS was a toddler when he left my previous employer). I said no, he asked when we'd be having another and I said we wouldn't. He told me it was cruel to DS, I thanked him for the call and promptly rang his director to suggest he might like to explain to the ex-colleague that calling prospective clients cruel was probably not the best way to win business.

I've said this before on many threads re the ageing thing - I come from a long line of onlies, the mere fact we keep repeating the pattern ought to suggest we're all turning out fine and quite happy with our lot. I've seen my parents (and one of my grandparents) do the 'ageing parents' side of things. Every time they handled it just fine - they weren't alone with no-one to support, they had all the love and the support they needed - partly from partner/adult child but also from their many close friends who in some cases dropped everything and drove hundreds of miles to be there for them.

The time when that will happen is getting closer for me and I have no worries about not having support, I have DH, at least 3 friends I could call in the middle of the night if needed, a couple of relatives so distant I can't work out the actual definition but who I'm closer to than some people are to their actual close relatives.

The number of children you have is entirely a personal choice. I don't understand why people say it's cruel.

I don't agree that an only child is happier than a child with siblings either. That's nonsense IMO. Families make their own happiness whether they have one child or 16 children.

Some would say it's unfair/cruel to have so many because you can't possibly give them individual time and attention.
I have watched 16 and counting and wonder why on earth anyone would choose to have so many children and be in an almost constant state of pregnancy and nursing, but they seem very happy with it and they're the ones who live that life.

It's not cruel, but it's possibly selfish ( if you only have one out of choice ) having a brother or sister to play & chat with has to be better than being on your own - & probably less hassle than just having one as they entertain each other.

I am an only child and had the most perfect childhood you could imagine.

However now with my father dead and my mother suffering from dementia and in a care home I do feel alone. Of course with no siblings that means no nephews or nieces, no cousins for my children, no extended family to spend time with. I was unable to have children myself (tried for 11 years) and so have always felt a bit of a freak.

I am happily married, have 4 adopted children and additionally am a foster carer, currently looking after 2 children who will remain with us. Adopting 4 children was a decision made to avoid them suffering the loneliness I have felt as an adult and so they would have each other. However despite that I still feel alone, alone genetically as I am aware that my mum aside I have no one connected to me. Making all the decisions, being the only person to visit my mum (other friends and relations of hers are dead) and it is a huge strain.

No, it is not cruel to have an only child, and as I said I had a wonderful childhood, but at this stage of my life I feel so alone knowing there is no one else to visit my mum or to make the decisions about her care.

My lifelong dream has always been to have a sibling. More so these days.

AgentJ - I totally understand what you mean when you talk about control and the parent having you right where they want you. It is difficult to be the only child in a toxic or dysfunctional family situation x

On the flip side there are negative aspects to being an only child. Now my parents are elderly there is only me to care for them. It's draining & concerning as if for any reason I'm not available to resolve an issue it doesn't get resolved. Care costs will be exclusively mine to find should they be needed & the regular visits are all mine, no-one to share them with.

Agree 100%. My mum now suffering dementia and in a care home, and all the fees., visiting, decisions etc are down to me. There is no one else to visit, so I go every day, and to be honest it can be a terrible strain. I would love for there to be someone else who could visit (my mum is in her 90s and all her friends and family have passed away). Draining is the right word. I don't resent it as such, I do want to go and take all the responsibility as I should...but just would be nice if there was someone else too. It is a very lonely experience.

Only child. Aging separated single forever parents halfway across the globe. Not pretty. So wish I had a sibling. Yes yes he or she could have would have been awful. But really I never missed a sibling growing up. Now in my 30s I so so do

More than anything I wish for someone I could "do you remembers" with. There is no one with whom I share a past, no one who knew me as a child, no one with whom to share special memories with. I am alone with my memories.

It's not cruel at all. There are no guarantees that siblings will get on and there are times when mine drove me mad when we were kids but we have lots of lovely shared memories and adore my mixed and nephews. Now my parents are elderly and in poor health it is a relief to have them to share worries and plans with.