To wonder why on earth people think having one child is cruel?

[WoburnSands]

Just this really. I don't understand why there is a negative stereotype around only children. People say - 'it's cruel to have one child' and then the other stereotype for only children is that they're spoilt. Surely this is ludicrous as these criticisms somewhat contradict each other?

Personally I think this kind of stereotype is a total myth.

For every decision a woman makes (or appears to make) there will be someone waiting to judge her for it. We all just do what seems right at the time and hope for the best, don't we?

I think there is a danger of only children being lonely, but I'm sure most parents would make sure the child has company and take them to activities etc. There is a danger that children with siblings can be left out, or their needs aren't noticed, but most parents would take steps to make sure that doesn't happen. There are better and worse parents and better and worse childhoods, I don't think family size is really the deciding factor on which a child has. I also think that the only good reason to have a child is because it is wanted more than anything and will be loved and cared for. Creating a life because society says you should is just foolish.

Obviously it varies according to family, but I do think it can actually be much easier if you have two and they get on well. Our DC are 13mo apart and DS1 has spent the last 2 nights reading DS2 stories and 'putting him to bed'. Makes up for all the 'HE TOOK MY THING' crap we endure during the day

I do think only children are at more risk of being lonely in childhood, but they can also benefit hugely from the extra attention from parents. Swings and roundabouts I guess.

It makes me sad that DD won't have a brother or sister to play with and it wouldn't be something I would choose to do if I had a choice in the matter.

That's the thing that worries me most about dd being an only child - the bit when dh and I are old. I have ms too, so my care needs are already higher than normal, and dd has missed out on a lot as a child. She has shouldered huge burdens at a very young age, essentially from about 3. It wasn't right that she had to do that, and would have been much much better if she'd had a sibling to share the emotional fall out with.

I am really hoping that she goes off and does her thing, lives her life to the full without a backward glance at us.

My reasons for wanting an only child was based on being in a family with five children. My dad had children from his first marriage. I was raised as an only child for 5 years because I hardly spent much time with my older brother and sister and I liked my own company. I never had to share until I had younger siblings and essentially I don't like sharing. I personally think forcing children to share doesn't actually make them less selfish (but that's another thread). Another thing is that we were quite poor. I didn't like being poor. I was sacrificing my wants because I knew they had no money. I think wanting to give opportunities to your child that otherwise would be hampered by monetary worries is not a bad thing. I think giving that child your attention is not a bad thing.

That said I have two children. Which also isn't a bad thing

PS: The worst bit is when you granddad tells you not only are you being selfish but what happens if that child dies. My answer? Then granddad he dies, I can't replace my child even if I have 5 others.

I'm an only child because like some PPs, my mum had several miscarriages after me. I absolutely do not resent being an only child, however my upbringing wasn't ideal (depression from both parents, suicide attempt from my dad, broken down marriage & a constant feeling of being stuck in the middle) so in a perfect world I would have loved a sibling to have shared the burden with. I see sisters close to each other with a great relationship & I have been jealous & sad in a way because I don't have that.
HOWEVER, I think that's more upbringing rather than being an only child. It's not your fault if you can't have more children, it's not an issue if you don't WANT more children. Just love the one you have & give them the best you can! That's the only thing that matters!

I have one DC and will be TTC for #2 this month. I want two or three, I really want them to have a special sibling bond but I'm well aware there are lots of siblings that hate each other.
The grass is always greener eh!

I would also say that attitude to only children is very important. I read a book called 'Buy me the sky' by Xinran (a Chinese author) where she focuses on the outcomes of the one-child policy in China - lots of 'little emperors' and children who have no idea how to cope with the ordinary rigors of life because they were so precious to their parents. Admittedly this can happen in a multiple-child family too, but it's an interesting read.

www.amazon.co.uk/Buy-Sky-remarkable-one-child-generations/dp/1846044715

Kpo58 - imo the main positive of being an only child is that it's likely only children will have to cope with difficult family situations on their own and the knowledge they can do this can give the self confidence .

give them* self confidence

Parents of only children can be resourceful and "borrow" a companion for holidays, outings etc. It worked well for us. My DD regards her friend and her siblings as her own now and they can talk together about their childhoods.
I wanted a second child but that wasn't possible and with hindsight was for the best as I ended up a lone parent. If you have a healthy happy only feel grateful for that. The longed for second child might not have been so healthy and have changed your family dynamics and your first child's life.
Before I get jumped on, I am not commenting on the love a disabled child may bring to a family and their sibling but just lookimg on the bright side and the unknowns a second child may bring. I had a number of miscarriages and odds are if those DC had survived they would have been disabled in some way

Depends on the siblings.
My 'D'B is reclusive, selfish and arrogant and always has been. He was even worse after the recent death of my father (my DM agrees) and i truly feel alone. He's just made life a lot harder for everyone else. I might as well be an only child.
However I see lots of very close siblings who share childcare, looking after parents etc and I wish I had that.

I have one child. DS is 12. On Saturday he had a friend round. It was lovely to see them together, moving from children playing to friends sharing worries, thoughts etc. His friend (one of five brothers) calls our house his second home. I made them pizza from scratch, fresh lemonade, cake because I have time and it was a pleasure. When my DS goes round to his he loves spending time in their busy house then coming back to us.
On Sunday we all went last minute school shopping then for a picnic and walk along the beach. Just the three of us. DS was able to talk over his worries about going to secondary (tomorrow) etc. It was lovely.
I don't know what a sibling would have added to that. (I have one as does DH).
As for care for us when we are elderly. DS could be thousands of miles away at that time as one of my only child friends is. What could he do on a day to day basis?

IME there are a host of factors which have a bearing on whether sibling relationships are satisfactory. It has so much to do with the children's individual personalities, of course, but also family dynamics (know families where siblings are played off against each other or their are favourites) and the parents have to work at managing the relationship after the second is born. Just introducing the second and expecting the two to love each other and to get on together because they are siblings is not enough. You may be lucky but the odds are against. Maybe that's why large sibling groups are often happier as they need to look out for each other and there's a choice of siblings to bond to

Each to their own. We have one DC and I don't think we'll be having more.
I have had one person tell me to my face that they think having only children is cruel, and it did hurt to hear.

The people who are speaking from experience and saying they were lonely also don't seem to have had cousins/ extended family. Both DH and I come from quite large families, and I have a very, very large extended family, so I'm not too worried about DD being lonely. We socialise a fair bit and already make sure she has plenty of company (she's only 2).

I also think loneliness can be a personality thing, as I had siblings but was still lonely at home as a child and teenager because I didn't feel like I fit in.

DD is a single child. Partly by choice but the main reasons were out of our control. Should I feel bad? There are lots of single child families and nobody knows the reason. It shouldn't matter.

I know friends with one because of age, others because of the costs of childcare, friends adopted and were glad to have one, rounds and rounds of IVF and miscarriages before one friend fell pregnant. For me there are medical reasons I should thoroughly think twice about having a second one.

People need to think before they say something stupid.

Are you an only child OP?

I believe the only people who can know what it's like to be an only child are only children themselves. And even in that case, they can only speak about their experiences.

Some of the comments I've read on here and in the one-child families forum do give me the rage though.

I am an only child and while I wouldn't go so far as to call it cruel, I definitely would not wish my experience on anyone else, for most of the reasons outlined already, both in childhood and adulthood.

I'm an only child, I definitely wasn't spoiled my parents didn't believe in buying clothes I just had to struggle along in the same old things. Summer holidays were spent around my very old grandma's when I think about how very bored and lonely I was I could weep. I used to beg to be sent to summer playgroup but my mum wouldn't have it. We never went on holiday. I loved my parents but I was very very lonely. I've got three children I wouldn't inflict being an only child on anyone

MN one child bingo:

A sibling is the best gift you can give your child - oh please!

My children will always have each other to play with - maybe, maybe not

When DH and I die my children will have each other and not wander the earth lonely - maybe, maybe not

When I'm old my children will be able to share the burden of looking after me - don't bet on that!

Having siblings teaches children to share - really??!!

I was one of five and it was good. DD is an only and that's good too

Of course it's not cruel. Individual differences and all that.

However, I'm really not sure about this:

"Studies show only children are happier and so are their parents."

This is an endless argument with no real answer.
My friend told me last week to 'get a move on with having DC2 because having one is mean'. Her theory is that her two DC will be best of friends for life so that's much 'nicer'.
I live in the real world and for every pair of siblings that get on others can't be in the same room.
There is no right or wrong, we all make choices and our families are all different. Some big, some small.

For what it's worth I'm an only child and I have a great relationship with my parents and have never felt lost for not having siblings.

I have no idea whether I want another DC, but I do wish that people would stop asking me, the very question insinuates that an only child isn't good enough.

We thought about sticking at one but had a real desire for another. There is 5 years between my 2 and it's been good. I don't feel like l had to juggle too much.

My family just didn't feel complete with 1 dc though tbh. It's now complete

I love how Hermione's husband is from a big family. Is he actually Ron?

Guilty

DD will be an only for me. She has 2 older half brothers but she doesn't see them a great deal so it's like she's an only. I'm very happy to just have her to.focus on in every way, emotionally, financially etc

Children tend to be spoilt based on the indulgence of their parents rather than the number of siblings that do or do not have.

If you have an only child you don't have to shower them with gifts or attention - I'm too busy MNetting to do the latter.!

Likewise you don't need to surround them with other people's kids to stop them being lonely. My only DD is sociable and resourceful. She's a warm host and fun guest on 'play dates' but can happily occupy herself with her phone and other electronic devices for hours.

Just relax and enjoy whatever number of children you happen to have.

I am pregnant with my first and only child. It's taken 5tears, 5 IVFs and 2 miscarriages, and if anyone judges me for having an only they will be told this. I have a sibling who I do not get on with, they were the favourite growing up and wanted nothing to do with me. Siblings aren't always a good thing.