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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that she needs to realise how easy she has it compared to some other people

159 replies

Sophie0 · 14/08/2016 14:58

A friend of mine is a "single" parent to three children. She lives in a council house and her ex partner has his own place five minutes away. They've been separated for around two years now and in that time her ex has continued to come and go from her house on a daily basis, sometimes multiple times a day. He has the majority of his meals there, does diy, watches sky sports, etc and they continue to go on holiday and on days out together.

I realise that what ever they decide to do is their business and that would be all good and well if my friend didn't spend all of her time ranting on about how hard life is as a single parent. Every time I see her it's the same old thing, how tough it is doing it all on her own, how she has no money, how she never gets out of the house. When in reality she gets out of the house every weekend to go out socialising with friends as the children's dad takes them from Friday dinner time until Sunday lunch time. He also comes and minds the children at her house during the week so that she can go to the gym and out with friends. Oh and pays her a very generous amount of child maintenance that doesn't get counted towards her benefits.

I am sick to death of hearing her especially since she has a very easy life, but also because I have another very close friend who is a genuine single parent and she is really struggling. Her husband of 15 years upped and left her and her two children last year and he hasn't been heard from or seen since. He cleared out their joint bank account, left her with nothing and she ended up having their house repressed as she couldn't afford to keep up the mortgage payments, even though she was working. She is on the bones of her backside, has no family support, her friends (other than me and one other person) have deserted her as she can't afford to go out and see them regularly and in general she is feeling really low. The thing is all three of us are friends and visit each other's houses and my friend who in my opinion has it easy is not only annoying me but she's getting to our other mutual friend. No wonder really, she's sick of hearing her go on and on about how hard she has it when she herself has absolutely zero input from her children's father, no help from family, no Csa etc. We are both now distancing our selves from her as she's becoming impossible to be around. AIBU to want to do this?

OP posts:
DropYourSword · 14/08/2016 16:19

Why does there have to be a 'middle ground' that appeases you. It's got fuck all to do with you if what they are doing works for them.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 14/08/2016 16:22

Sophie most people would find it lovely - the kids still having both parents very involved, getting along with each other and giving the kids family time.

How on earth could you think that is possibly wrong?

Would you rather they hated the sight of each other, couldn't be in the same room in front of the kids and had an 'agreement' to have the kids separately on different days, fixing things up as a 'share'?

Which do you honestly think is better for the children?

isitseptemberyet · 14/08/2016 16:22

id cut her off ! who needs friends who annoy you, i dont have enough time to see people i actually like, i jut couldn't be arsed to make time in my life for someone who got on my tits ! life is too short

ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 14/08/2016 16:22

Ok, amdestined I may have misread your post. There were several details missing from the first post which suggested you were annoyed at DP paying CSA. These threads really get my goat because the OP always suggests that 'life is easy' for single parents in receipt of benefits. I sometimes jump in feet first, when I should probably step the hell away in the first place! My apologies Blush

MangoMoon · 14/08/2016 16:25

It's really not strange at all.

It's called:

2 parents who are no longer together, but still actually care about each other enough to help each other out.

2 parents who have an amicable, give & take, co-parenting relationship which works for them & their children.

2 parents who are fortunate to be in a position whereby they can both be very involved in their children's lives & work together to do what they think is best for their children as a team.

There are a hell of a lot of shit ex husbands & shit fathers who make this sort of amicable set-up impossible, and leave the woman to pick up the pieces all on her own.

Why do you think that situation is what being a single parent should be like?

SandyPantz · 14/08/2016 16:32

I think her situation sounds like it has the potential to be worst of both worlds!

She's got an extra person to clean up after, without someone to snuggle up with and talk about your worries with at night.

My friends parents had a similar set up. The dad kept his key, came home for meals etc, but was free to fuck around. It very slowely nearly killed my friend's mum inside.

LunaLoveg00d · 14/08/2016 17:00

She's not a single parent. If anyone reported her, she'd be in deep shit.

ilovesooty · 14/08/2016 17:06

Which of course is what was implied from the OP.

JeffreyNeedsAHobby · 14/08/2016 17:11

FFS, reported her for what?

For what it is worth I can even understand the holidays thing - it is far more expensive to go solo with kids than as a "family" - he's probably agreed to pay half of the airfare for the kids too, which means they only pay for one family holiday cheaply than two far more expensive ones separately.

I'm not understanding why OP is so bitter.

Tigsteroonie · 14/08/2016 17:12

I admit to having skipped the intervening pages, but the OP read to me not as annoyance with the friend's situation (is she a single parent or not?) but as annoyance with the friend's "Woe is me, I'm a single parent" attitude. Whereas actually the friend has life pretty sweet - the other parent is not absent, is paying regularly, and is still very involved in the children's lives.

But some people really don't realise when they have it good.

SandyPantz · 14/08/2016 17:13

Report her for what FFS? co-parenting with someone she's speparated from? he has his own place? what would you be reporting? that the bastard has dinner with his kids?

SandyPantz · 14/08/2016 17:14

It's usually a massive mistake to assume that someone else's private life is "sweet"

DropYourSword · 14/08/2016 17:14

Maybe she doesn't 'have it good' though. Maybe she'd actually prefer to be in a proper relationship but is doing her best to work amicably together with this man for the benefit of her kids. Maybe she desperately wants him back. Maybe she can't bloody stand him. We don't know!

alphabook · 14/08/2016 17:17

When my parents split up my dad still came round every other day at first. Years later he still helps my mum round the house and we still all go on family holidays together. I don't think it's healthy because it meant my mum never got the space to move on, but it never affected or confused us as children. I knew that my dad lived somewhere else and that my parents weren't together any more. All that mattered to me was that I still got to see my dad a lot. You are being unnecessarily judgey of her situation. I feel sad to think of my poor mum with a so called "friend" judging her parenting.

dowhatnow · 14/08/2016 17:17

i think whatever the situation be it finance, health etc it is rude not to be mindful of other peoples experiences. She can moan all she likes to people but she shouldn't be doing it near the mutual friend. If she moans to you agree that she has it hard but then immediately follow it up with but .... has it even harder.
YANBU

LunaLoveg00d · 14/08/2016 17:21

Reported her for to all intents and purposes being still in a mutually supportive relationship with the father - irrespective of whether or not they are sleeping together. She's claiming benefits as a single parent, and things like going on holidays together, eating meals together, days out together and him doing DIY for her will make the authorities think that she is still in a relationship with the father, and they are choosing to live separately to maximise their/her income.

steph2710 · 14/08/2016 17:37

Whoa who needs enemies with friends like you Shock

Who says her kids will be confused? I am certainly not confused that my mum is married to another man yet is still best friends with my dad...I'm over the moon about it.

You sound jealous of her for whatever reason, money, or that she can have best of both worlds.

What's to say she doesn't lie awake all night wishing they could be a proper family? Financial support from the father is irrelevant, shame she confided in you about her maintenance income for you to tell the whole of MN.

If she isn't the kind of friend you want let her go and do her a favour too. Wink

SandyPantz · 14/08/2016 17:44

Reported her for to all intents and purposes being still in a mutually supportive relationship with the father

Who says it's "mutually supportive" - it sounds anything but! he still has free run of her home and also has his own space.

And the fact is they DON'T live together - he lives elsewhere, he just visits a lot (way more than I'ld cope well with if it was my ex)

veryproudvolleyballmum · 14/08/2016 17:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LunaLoveg00d · 14/08/2016 17:54

You absolutely can - but if you are, and share a lot of the stuff that a couple share - you will not be seen as "single" for benefits purposes.

SandyPantz · 14/08/2016 18:06

but if you are, and share a lot of the stuff that a couple share
what? like kids? and parenting of them? and making sure the roof over said kids heads is maintained?

That's not a couple thing, that's a parent thing!

You can stay co-parents and not be a couple

veryproudvolleyballmum · 14/08/2016 18:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 14/08/2016 18:56

sandy. Sadly, you are using something called 'logic' in a thread that seems to have no concept of it. I politely bow out, as has, apparently, the OP (cue Cilla singing 'Surpriiiiise, surpriiiise')

applesvpears · 14/08/2016 19:15

I think OP is just fed up with her friend moaning when she appears to have no need to moan.

I think that is fair enough.

Perhaps OP just wanted to let off steam and get a bit of MN support.

Some people just love to moan and it can be very irritating if you are a positive person.

applesvpears · 14/08/2016 19:16

I wonder if the ex will be round quite so much when one of them meets a new partner Hmm