To think that she needs to realise how easy she has it compared to some other people

[Sophie0]

A friend of mine is a "single" parent to three children. She lives in a council house and her ex partner has his own place five minutes away. They've been separated for around two years now and in that time her ex has continued to come and go from her house on a daily basis, sometimes multiple times a day. He has the majority of his meals there, does diy, watches sky sports, etc and they continue to go on holiday and on days out together.

I realise that what ever they decide to do is their business and that would be all good and well if my friend didn't spend all of her time ranting on about how hard life is as a single parent. Every time I see her it's the same old thing, how tough it is doing it all on her own, how she has no money, how she never gets out of the house. When in reality she gets out of the house every weekend to go out socialising with friends as the children's dad takes them from Friday dinner time until Sunday lunch time. He also comes and minds the children at her house during the week so that she can go to the gym and out with friends. Oh and pays her a very generous amount of child maintenance that doesn't get counted towards her benefits.

I am sick to death of hearing her especially since she has a very easy life, but also because I have another very close friend who is a genuine single parent and she is really struggling. Her husband of 15 years upped and left her and her two children last year and he hasn't been heard from or seen since. He cleared out their joint bank account, left her with nothing and she ended up having their house repressed as she couldn't afford to keep up the mortgage payments, even though she was working. She is on the bones of her backside, has no family support, her friends (other than me and one other person) have deserted her as she can't afford to go out and see them regularly and in general she is feeling really low. The thing is all three of us are friends and visit each other's houses and my friend who in my opinion has it easy is not only annoying me but she's getting to our other mutual friend. No wonder really, she's sick of hearing her go on and on about how hard she has it when she herself has absolutely zero input from her children's father, no help from family, no Csa etc. We are both now distancing our selves from her as she's becoming impossible to be around. AIBU to want to do this?

Maybe because they are their parents. A young child won't remain young, they will grow up eventually and I know I wouldn't want my child growing up with distorted view of what a real relationship is or should be.

I think you do have some pretty distorted views of your own to be honest.

Girls girl? Please elaborate

Is it a bad thing that dad continues to be involved and supportive then? Because I would love my ex to be that guy, but it's never gonna happen...

What are you asking here? I'm confused.

amdestined. I don't understand why you resent your partner supporting his children.

Growing up in an abusive household and dealing with domestic violence = distorted view of what a real relationship is.
Seeing Dad as much as possible even though he's split up from mum does NOT in my opinion warrant your cats bum mouth judgement.

No of course it's not bad. Again my words are being twisted. A father can be just as loving and involved whilst at the same time not going on holiday like they are still a couple, and not coming round to mums house to do diy you know.

OP, in the nicest possible way, you aren't a single parent. Until you've walked a mile in either friends' shoes, I'm not really sure you're qualified to be making a judgement either way. As a single parent to one child, I can assure you it is bloody hard going at times. And if a 'friend' of mine ever presumed I had it easier than others based on opinions they had formed concerning X, Y or Z, I'd be happy to wave goodbye to the friendship. In fact, I'd have some choice words to sound off while I waved.

To put it in perspective:

A friend of mine has 4 children. She's a stay at home mum and her partner works in a well paid public sector job. They seem fairly financially secure, have a nice lifestyle and they divide everything equally. Her partner will happily come home after a long shift, help sort out the kids, cook, do his share of housework and give my friend some 'down time' (whether that be a hot bath, a couple of hours out the house to meet friends, etc.). My friend is always knackered.

I'm a single parent to one DD (9yo). No contact or financial help from DD's dad whatsoever. My night shift contract at work is part time, though most weeks I'll put in 45 hours. Things are financially tight most months. I do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, after school clubs, sorting out childcare and school drops offs/pick ups, walk the dog, homework - you get the picture. It boils down to: I do everything. I am always knackered.

Who has it easier?

Answer: It doesn't matter. It's not a competition. It's as hard or as easy as either of us find it/cope with it. Stop being so hard on your friend and try being supportive and understanding instead. You will never fully know what goes on behind anybody's front door or what struggles they're really facing. Just because things seem 'fine' on the surface, it doesn't mean they are.

What really stood out to me was the undertone of resentment in your post. Can I gently suggest that if something isn't sitting quite right with you personally, work on why. Don't disguise it by labeling your friend as the problem.

What IS your problem with the fact that they can be amicable and he does some DIY?!

Your words aren't being twisted, your thought process is twisted.

There's a difference, you see.

YABU (a bit) to stay friend with that person. She sounds awful, you are not having a great time with her, what's the point?

YANBU to find her irritating, I am not sure why people are giving you such a hard time. If she makes a few passing comments, yes, that's annoying, but we all are one way or another. If she is like that all the time, I am not sure why you still see her. I wouldn't bother.

I don't know why there must be such a competition between single and married mothers. Everybody has things to deal with, different problems, your marital status doesn't give any indication on how hard or easy your life is.

Again, I'm not sayid that. Why can't there be middle ground? Ie her kids seeing dad regularly, him coming round for special occasions etc? You're not telling me it's normal for a separated couple to continue to go on holiday together or on days out. Or to eat at each other's houses, do each other's diy, etc. I'm all for keeping things amaicable and I can certainly see how that would benefit the children but this is a little strange surely.

itsshouldhavebeenJess when did I say that? The exw chose to go through the csa when she decided he wasn't paying enough and they decided we were paying too much given we have children and shared care of hers. We had to provide clothing and footwear at our home and we had to stop letting them take what we bought home because she either 'lost' it (gave it away), sold it or ruined it. Cue the CSA payments being made through them, constant demands for extra then we find out she'd been claiming as a single parent from another address while living with her partner. Pretty fucking disgusting most people would think.

I think he sounds like an excellent father and I think if she were really your 'friend', you would be happy for her that he is so supportive. If you're not, then separate yourself from her, and develop your friendship with the 'real' single mum. Honestly, some single mothers on here, including myself, would be incredibly grateful for that kind of support, and yet you seem to be discouraging it.

Should my 78 year old mother get dissed for taking my little boy on Sunday's to give me a break?

Life isn't really a competition, or it shouldn't be. People can sometimes only really see life in the context of their own experiences. Don't be so hard on your friend.

In regards to the OP in the eyes of the government they are acting like a couple and would be treated as such.

Also when my parents split up, my dad spent a LOT of time at our house despite having his own house. He would finish work and come for 3/4 hours to see us. If my mum had an issue (eg washer breaking) he would come and sort it. A lot of people would probably find this weird, but they split up on very good terms and it worked for them. They certainly weren't 'playing the system' (neither actually claimed benefits, bar child benefit) but others looking in would probably assume they were. It was just a very amicable breakup and my dad wanted to spend as much time with us as possible, and my mother agreed that was fine. I kind of hope that IF anything happened with DH and me we could come to a similar agreement..