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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that she needs to realise how easy she has it compared to some other people

159 replies

Sophie0 · 14/08/2016 14:58

A friend of mine is a "single" parent to three children. She lives in a council house and her ex partner has his own place five minutes away. They've been separated for around two years now and in that time her ex has continued to come and go from her house on a daily basis, sometimes multiple times a day. He has the majority of his meals there, does diy, watches sky sports, etc and they continue to go on holiday and on days out together.

I realise that what ever they decide to do is their business and that would be all good and well if my friend didn't spend all of her time ranting on about how hard life is as a single parent. Every time I see her it's the same old thing, how tough it is doing it all on her own, how she has no money, how she never gets out of the house. When in reality she gets out of the house every weekend to go out socialising with friends as the children's dad takes them from Friday dinner time until Sunday lunch time. He also comes and minds the children at her house during the week so that she can go to the gym and out with friends. Oh and pays her a very generous amount of child maintenance that doesn't get counted towards her benefits.

I am sick to death of hearing her especially since she has a very easy life, but also because I have another very close friend who is a genuine single parent and she is really struggling. Her husband of 15 years upped and left her and her two children last year and he hasn't been heard from or seen since. He cleared out their joint bank account, left her with nothing and she ended up having their house repressed as she couldn't afford to keep up the mortgage payments, even though she was working. She is on the bones of her backside, has no family support, her friends (other than me and one other person) have deserted her as she can't afford to go out and see them regularly and in general she is feeling really low. The thing is all three of us are friends and visit each other's houses and my friend who in my opinion has it easy is not only annoying me but she's getting to our other mutual friend. No wonder really, she's sick of hearing her go on and on about how hard she has it when she herself has absolutely zero input from her children's father, no help from family, no Csa etc. We are both now distancing our selves from her as she's becoming impossible to be around. AIBU to want to do this?

OP posts:
DropYourSword · 14/08/2016 15:41

Is this typical of separated parents. That's what I'm asking

Except it's not what you did ask. You wanted her to realise that her life was very easy. And you have received responses saying that her life probably isn't that easy

Sophie0 · 14/08/2016 15:41

Being a single parent to three children, doing it all on your own, even with a bit of supper form your immediate family must be incredibly hard, but having your ex part I tap every sibgle day and living like you were still a couple, how is that hard?

OP posts:
IthinkIamsinking · 14/08/2016 15:42

But no body has actually said (Sorry I think maybe two of you may have) whether or not they believe my friend is in the right to moan as much as she does, and whether or not you believe she has the right to moan as a single parent

What a stupid comment.
Everyone moans about aspects of their lives.... so what??
It's all subjective/relative
What you're saying is that your friends has no right to moan because someone else is having a harder time.
Beyond ridiculous IMO.

ilovesooty · 14/08/2016 15:42

I suspect you're wanting plenty of people to agree with the "single" you put in your OP.

Perhaps you'd like to give her the message by reporting her to the DWP.

veryproudvolleyballmum · 14/08/2016 15:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sophie0 · 14/08/2016 15:43

Jeffrey yes it does! Imo she is a single person (not married, divorced etc) but she isn't a single parent as she isn't parenting alone.

OP posts:
veryproudvolleyballmum · 14/08/2016 15:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MangoMoon · 14/08/2016 15:45

Gosh!
Who knew competitive lone parenting was even a 'thing'?!

Would you consider a person to be a single parent if they still have so much contact with their ex, if their ex goes on holiday with them, on days out, does their diy? Is this typical of separated parents. That's what I'm asking, because to me tbisnint typical of separated parents to act in this way.

My ex has the kids every Friday evening until Saturday evening, as well as taking them to rugby on a Wednesday & Sunday & has them for tea on Monday evening.

He helps with stuff in the house as and when required (because it's his children's home).

We go on days out together as a family unit every now and then & have Xmas day together.

Gosh darn-it, I'd better stop thinking of myself as a single parent & not dare mention how I struggle with money, time, sanity, time away from it all, someone physically there to tag-team with for house keeping, discipline etc.

If you don't like your friend then stop 'being her friend'.
Simple really.
That way, you can carry on with your 2-dimensional idea of what a single parent is.

Sophie0 · 14/08/2016 15:46

To not moan (and I mean every time I see her) that her life is hard, to stop making dramas that aren't there and to maybe acknowledge that our mutual friend is having a tougher time than her and for her to maybe offer some advice instead of sitting there ranting on making her feel worse. That's what I want from her.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 14/08/2016 15:46

And perhaps you won't address the matter with her because you don't want to be suspected of reporting her should her circumstances be questioned.

DropYourSword · 14/08/2016 15:46

You do realise OP that couples with three kids may also be finding things exceptionally tough. What's your obsession with whether she's truly a single parent or not.
And I don't know if there's even such a thing as 'typical' separated parents.

veryproudvolleyballmum · 14/08/2016 15:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Owllady · 14/08/2016 15:47

You have two options

You either tell her to stop whinging as she's getting on your wick
Or
You bin her and create a vacancy for a new friend for both of you

The rest of it is irrelevant. Whether she lives in a council house, has sky tv, has a supportive ex, shits rainbow poo. None of it. She's just irritating you, which happens. So refer to the above.

Sophie0 · 14/08/2016 15:48

Very, again you've not read my post properly. I said that I understand how being a single parent doing it on your own must be hard. But that having your ex partner on tap constantly to offer practical, emotional, physical and financial help isn't hard. Please don't twist my words.

OP posts:
MangoMoon · 14/08/2016 15:48

having your ex part I tap every sibgle day and living like you were still a couple, how is that hard?

You like the phrase 'have your ex on tap', don't you OP?
You've used it over several posts.

And they're hardly 'living like a couple' if they're living apart, are they?!

Sophie0 · 14/08/2016 15:49

Fair enough Owllady.

OP posts:
veryproudvolleyballmum · 14/08/2016 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DropYourSword · 14/08/2016 15:50

What dramas does she have that aren't there, and what advice are you wanting her to give to your other friend?
I find this very bizarre. If you don't like her, fine, don't be her friend. But you can't change who someone is and how they talk and behave.

MangoMoon · 14/08/2016 15:51

But that having your ex partner on tap constantly to offer practical, emotional, physical and financial help isn't hard. Please don't twist my words.

There it is again!

'On tap'...

Goady fuckery.

IthinkIamsinking · 14/08/2016 15:51

Oh FFS OP........ use your bloody barnet and sort this out for yourself...... you refuse to accept any opinions that go against yours and are now embellishing/drip feeding in order to add support to your argument.

Bin her or speak to her..... it's not fucking hard is it.

Sophie0 · 14/08/2016 15:51

Sorry, it's just how I say things. Can you not see that just because he physically sleeps elsewhere (and I don't think he does every night) that doesn't mean they act any less like a couple. People live apart, it doesn't mean they're not together.

OP posts:
veryproudvolleyballmum · 14/08/2016 15:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovesooty · 14/08/2016 15:53

Just report her then. It seems pretty clear that you'd love to.

MangoMoon · 14/08/2016 15:54

OP, I know all about being in a couple & living apart - for my entire 10 yr marriage we were both in the forces & I often had months alone with the kids and no family nearby.

It's completely different to being separated & living apart even though he is living 5 minutes away from us.

Completely fucking different in every way.

Sophie0 · 14/08/2016 15:55

I don't want to, or have to try it. What I do know is that if me and my dh ever separated (as amicable as my friend and her ex did I mean) then he would see our children on set days so that he and us knew were we stood. He would not be allowed to come and go freely from my home as I I'd feel uncomfortable with this and I wouldn't want our children to become confused.

OP posts: