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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that she needs to realise how easy she has it compared to some other people

159 replies

Sophie0 · 14/08/2016 14:58

A friend of mine is a "single" parent to three children. She lives in a council house and her ex partner has his own place five minutes away. They've been separated for around two years now and in that time her ex has continued to come and go from her house on a daily basis, sometimes multiple times a day. He has the majority of his meals there, does diy, watches sky sports, etc and they continue to go on holiday and on days out together.

I realise that what ever they decide to do is their business and that would be all good and well if my friend didn't spend all of her time ranting on about how hard life is as a single parent. Every time I see her it's the same old thing, how tough it is doing it all on her own, how she has no money, how she never gets out of the house. When in reality she gets out of the house every weekend to go out socialising with friends as the children's dad takes them from Friday dinner time until Sunday lunch time. He also comes and minds the children at her house during the week so that she can go to the gym and out with friends. Oh and pays her a very generous amount of child maintenance that doesn't get counted towards her benefits.

I am sick to death of hearing her especially since she has a very easy life, but also because I have another very close friend who is a genuine single parent and she is really struggling. Her husband of 15 years upped and left her and her two children last year and he hasn't been heard from or seen since. He cleared out their joint bank account, left her with nothing and she ended up having their house repressed as she couldn't afford to keep up the mortgage payments, even though she was working. She is on the bones of her backside, has no family support, her friends (other than me and one other person) have deserted her as she can't afford to go out and see them regularly and in general she is feeling really low. The thing is all three of us are friends and visit each other's houses and my friend who in my opinion has it easy is not only annoying me but she's getting to our other mutual friend. No wonder really, she's sick of hearing her go on and on about how hard she has it when she herself has absolutely zero input from her children's father, no help from family, no Csa etc. We are both now distancing our selves from her as she's becoming impossible to be around. AIBU to want to do this?

OP posts:
alphabook · 14/08/2016 15:55

Lots of people complain about their lives, there are always people who have it worse.

My Facebook is full of "my child has been such a little terror, bring on the gin", when there are so many people who are desperate for children. Doesn't mean people aren't entitled to their feelings though.

Three kids and a not very reliable partner doesn't sound like a walk in the park to me. If she annoys you this much, just don't be friends with her.

ilovesooty · 14/08/2016 15:56

Ah. So you don't think much of her parenting either.

Sophie0 · 14/08/2016 15:57

Report her for what, benefit fraud? How is she claiming fraudulently when her ex actually lives elsewhere.

OP posts:
DropYourSword · 14/08/2016 15:57

So because she's not doing things 'your' way how would you actually even know what you'd truly do unless you were in that position anyway she's doing it wrong?
Isn't it better for the children that they see their loving parents. Maybe they aren't in the least bit confused.

JeffreyNeedsAHobby · 14/08/2016 15:58

The sad thing is she clearly thinks of OP as a friend who she can unload to.

She would be better off if you told her what you thought OP and then she can find a real friend, who realises we all need a moan at times and life isn't one big competition.

puglife15 · 14/08/2016 15:59

I think it's really insensitive.

A mutual friend of ours was moaning to a group of us including another friend a lot about how her baby wasn't sleeping that great etc. One of the other friends had a baby a similar age with significant, serious and much harder to manage health issues.

Yes everyone had a right to find it hard and have a moan but a bit of self awareness doesn't hurt.

Sophie0 · 14/08/2016 15:59

Not really if I'm being honest no. I think her kids don't know whether they are coming or going. They're told that mummy and daddy are separating yet nothing really has changed apart from the fact daddy sleeps elsewhere. My kids are bright imo but still I think this kind of set up would leave them feeling confused.

OP posts:
Vickyyyy · 14/08/2016 15:59

I don't see what your other friends situation has to do with this tbh...if everyone thought this way noone could complain about anything. No money for food shopping? Oh kids in Africa haven't eaten for weeks, a few days wouldn't hurt you... been beaten up in the street...well others have been shot, think yourself lucky...etc etc.

However, I can see why it would get annoying hearing constant moaning about stuff when there doesn't APPEAR to be a problem.

But with people who annoy me, I tend to just ignore them rather than get worked up about it.

YANBU for finding her constant moaning tedious. YABU for thinking other peoples situations impact at all on how this person feels about their 'problems'

Sophie0 · 14/08/2016 16:01

I get what you're saying Vickyyyy.

OP posts:
IthinkIamsinking · 14/08/2016 16:01

What I do know is that if me and my dh ever separated (as amicable as my friend and her ex did I mean) then he would see our children on set days so that he and us knew were we stood. He would not be allowed to come and go freely from my home as I I'd feel uncomfortable with this and I wouldn't want our children to become confused.

Jesus wept.
That is YOU though.
I can't stand this thread so will bow out.
You, OP, are a nasty, jealousy judgmental horror. Do your friend a favour and bin her.

ilovesooty · 14/08/2016 16:01

Well since you don't respect her decisions and her parenting and find her so difficult to be with just bin her and tell her why.

I don't see that she'd be any worse off.

veryproudvolleyballmum · 14/08/2016 16:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

amidestinedtobechubbyforlife · 14/08/2016 16:01

Doesn't sound like a single fucking parent to me sounds like she's playing the system. My DHs exw was doing it for SEVEN years and unfortunately by the time we found out she was no longer doing it. People like that get my fucking goat apparently because my DH wouldn't pay CSA AND give her money every time she demanded he was a dead beat dad but when DSD came to live with us we were doing it 'for benefits' and not because we love and care for his DD

DropYourSword · 14/08/2016 16:02

If nothing has really changed, why would the kids find that confusing or distressing?

Sophie0 · 14/08/2016 16:04

I'm being judgemental yes, but at least I'm being honest about it, not every one would be. But I'm not nasty and I'm certainly not jealous. I wouldn't want to live like her and have my children confused about what kind of relationship me and their father actually have.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 14/08/2016 16:04

maybe op just take her to the side one day and say nicely our friend is really upset that youre complaining how hard it is for u to her

just havea litle tact when we next met up shes finding it really rough or something like that

some people unfortunately are just attnetion seekers

ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 14/08/2016 16:05

Sorry OP, you may well have 'genuine' concerns, but this thread has been done to death.

Just out of interest,what are her nails like? Hair? Wink

veryproudvolleyballmum · 14/08/2016 16:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sophie0 · 14/08/2016 16:05

Maybe because mummy and daddy are continuing to act like a couple but daddy no longer lives with them. A young child could quite possibly find that confusing.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 14/08/2016 16:07

I'm not nasty

If you say so.

Sophie0 · 14/08/2016 16:07

It doesn't concern me if this has been done to death. This is the first time I have posted on this particular matter so that's all I'm interested in.

OP posts:
veryproudvolleyballmum · 14/08/2016 16:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DropYourSword · 14/08/2016 16:07

Or possibly not.
Why does the mechanics of the parents relationship need to be understood by a young child?

Sophie0 · 14/08/2016 16:08

If I were nasty then I'd be calling her all sorts and making up sly little details to make her look bad. I've simply told it how it is.

OP posts:
ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 14/08/2016 16:08

amdestined You're a 'girl's girl', aren't you love?

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