To think that she needs to realise how easy she has it compared to some other people

[Sophie0]

A friend of mine is a "single" parent to three children. She lives in a council house and her ex partner has his own place five minutes away. They've been separated for around two years now and in that time her ex has continued to come and go from her house on a daily basis, sometimes multiple times a day. He has the majority of his meals there, does diy, watches sky sports, etc and they continue to go on holiday and on days out together.

I realise that what ever they decide to do is their business and that would be all good and well if my friend didn't spend all of her time ranting on about how hard life is as a single parent. Every time I see her it's the same old thing, how tough it is doing it all on her own, how she has no money, how she never gets out of the house. When in reality she gets out of the house every weekend to go out socialising with friends as the children's dad takes them from Friday dinner time until Sunday lunch time. He also comes and minds the children at her house during the week so that she can go to the gym and out with friends. Oh and pays her a very generous amount of child maintenance that doesn't get counted towards her benefits.

I am sick to death of hearing her especially since she has a very easy life, but also because I have another very close friend who is a genuine single parent and she is really struggling. Her husband of 15 years upped and left her and her two children last year and he hasn't been heard from or seen since. He cleared out their joint bank account, left her with nothing and she ended up having their house repressed as she couldn't afford to keep up the mortgage payments, even though she was working. She is on the bones of her backside, has no family support, her friends (other than me and one other person) have deserted her as she can't afford to go out and see them regularly and in general she is feeling really low. The thing is all three of us are friends and visit each other's houses and my friend who in my opinion has it easy is not only annoying me but she's getting to our other mutual friend. No wonder really, she's sick of hearing her go on and on about how hard she has it when she herself has absolutely zero input from her children's father, no help from family, no Csa etc. We are both now distancing our selves from her as she's becoming impossible to be around. AIBU to want to do this?

Why put "friend" like that? Tobe honest yes, maybe I do want my decision justified but maybe that's because this person was supposedly a good friend and there's a small part of me that feels guilty for wanting to end the friendship. But at the same time I can't take her anymore and neither can our mutual friend and when I see how much she's affecting her too, well it's difficult.

She doesn't sound like a single parent to me. The words cake and eating or if you prefer best both and worlds are ringing in my ears. Some people have it so easy. They don't know when they've got it good.

The reality of being a single parent, even if you have support, is very hard. Comparisons aren't helpful.
Either be empathetic or create a space for her to fill with a new friend.
It really is that simple.

I haven't attended to discuss this with her no. Ths reason for this is that she's a complicated person and I know she would either go off in a sulk or would lose it telling me I don't know how easy I have it because I'm lucky enough to have a partner. She's quite childish at times and for that reason this isn't the first time I've questioned our friendship and the ability for it last.

Because no real friend would act like you are.

Real friends would sit the other one down and tell them exactly why they're getting on their nerves, and see if they can't come to a solution.

A "Friend" would sit and bitch about the other "friend", and then pair up with the 3rd friend to freeze them out (possibly having invited more bitching on a public internet forum).

Do you genuinely think she's going to care if you and the other one team up and freeze her out?

Well if distancing yourself isn't getting the message over you'll have to tell her how easy she has it won't you?

What did you want from this thread?

A friend is someone you enjoy spending time with and who you hold in high regard.

Owllady I understand that for most single parents (who don't have their ex on tap basically still living life like a couple) life can be incredibly difficult, don't forget my other friend lives lke this every day. However my friend is living life just like me and my dh, there's absolutely no difference apart from the fact he goes back to his house most nights and sleeps in a different bed. This is the only difference and if it came to me and my dh could cope with doing this and still continue in our relationship. There is nothing hard about her life, and that's fine but the fact she acts as though there is, is what winds me up.

Well tell her then.

You still haven't said what you want from the thread.

It would annoy me if she was moaning to me about it. Why don't you just pull her up on it the next time she starts??

I wanted your opinions that's the point of this thread, and you've given them. But no body has actually said (Sorry I think maybe two of you may have) whether or not they believe my friend is in the right to moan as much as she does, and whether or not you believe she has the right to moan as a single parent. Would you consider a person to be a single parent if they still have so much contact with their ex, if their ex goes on holiday with them, on days out, does their diy? Is this typical of separated parents. That's what I'm asking, because to me tbisnint typical of separated parents to act in this way.

I'd question that it's not a relationship still and they say she's a lp for benefits.

I listened to a radio phone in once where a man rang in saying he and his gf lived seperately so they could afford to send their DD to private school.

He said it like it was a real hardship too. Odd.

If her life is hard to her, it's hard to her. You might not like her definition of hard, but you can't tell her she's got an easy life.

Just tune out, change the subject, or ditch her.

Sigh.

A benefits/single parents thread on MN. Want to drip feed the possibility of her children having SN as well?

Predictable, boring. What do you hope to gain from this?

Erm, haven't I already said that I have it easy compared to a lot of other people.....did you miss that bit?

Oh FFS then tell her or ditch her.......... this is a really odd thread.

I don't imagine she wants anything from the thread, Sooty.
She probably just wants a moan. It's allowed isn't it.

A week away from wi fi and back to groundhog day
Think i will go back to my internet free zone

Do you mean children with special needs? No, she doesn't have children with special needs.

He might spend a lot of time there and be a good dad - that doesn't make her any less of a single parent! Yes he lives nearby but maybe she actually doesn't like that, perhaps she wanted to break free more and hasn't been able to. You don't know what he is like to her.

I am a single parent and the father hasn't been in touch in nearly 5 years. I don't count myself as more or less of a single parent than others who have exes take kids for the weekend! It simply isn't the same as having a working unit with two adults around, whatever it may look like.

And yes, I do wish I could have the kids looked after for a weekend or an evening on a regular basis by someone who loves them as a father. Sadly that is not what my DC's father has decided for them and I cannot change that. Bashing other single mum's because they have a different set up (or perhaps had kids with a guy with more mettle - yes I take some responsibility there) isn't really something I think is healthy for me, my kids to see or the person it is aimed at. What is the point of the post? It's not helpful, kind or thoughtful. Sadly it sounds bitter and jealous and a bit snobbish. Everyone deals with situations differently, she is allowed to struggle and have hard times even though by OP's standards she should shut up and put up with it. We all have bad days/weeks/months!