To think it's not just me who doesn't like being stared at while partially dressed?

[lifeofsiam]

Dh and I were in what is supposed to be an over-14's only sauna/spa bath area.

A boy who looked significantly younger (about 12) sat on the edge of the jacuzzi steps staring at us the entire time. His mother and elder sibling stayed in the steam room, leaving him outside.

In the changing rooms, I spoke politely to the mother, saying she may not have seen the sign saying it is over -14's only, and also her son had stared at us the entire time, making us feel uncomfortable.

She became angry with me, said the boy was almost 14 and autistic- which is why he was staring.

Ok, we weren't to know that, and she was clearly very stressed.

She then muttered 'there's always one.'

I asked 'always one what ?'

'Always one who is uncomfortable being stared at.'

I didn't respond- I didn't want to argue with or antagonise another mother with a disabled child - but afterwards I thought how it's not just me who would feel uncomfortable and a lot of people, especially women and teenage girls wouldn't feel comfortable in those circumstances, either? And that I'm not 'only one' in that case?

Someone staring who cannot stop themselves due to disability being removed because of that is dangeriously close to cant access this building due to mobility issues, tough shit

I don't think anyone is saying disabled children can't use facilities, more that the OP's discomfort was valid and the mothers reaction could have been better

Thanks for the reports about this thread.

We have been through and removed any posts that we felt broke our <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/info/netiquette" target="_blank">Talk Guidelines</a>. We have noticed that many of the deletions have been for disablist posts. Do feel free to report ones that we may have missed.

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Mumsnet exists to make parent's lives easier and if there's one thing we could all do with, it's some understanding and moral support.

This thread shows its not just you that would be uncomfortable but you seemed to think you were speaking on behalf of lots of people and tbh I think that was unfair. I wouldn't have a problem with being stared at. And if I did, I would have focused on something else which is much easier for an NT adult to do than an autistic child.
I'm also guessing that the mum didn't mean there's 'always one who doesn't like being stared at' but there's always one person who has to comment on the fact her autistic child isn't acting like an NT child. I imagine that gets very wearing.

I don't think anyone is saying disabled people have no roght to access facilities. The point is that firstly he was underagr
Secondly his behaviour - throigh no fault of his own - put him un a position of risk. OP politely spoke to the mom but there are those who would have felt entitled to go over and speak to the boy himself which would have made the situation alot worse. Not necesarily even having a go but telling him to stop staring etc which, given his SEN, could have caused the boy a lot of distress.

If she was going to take her underage child in to the spa, he should have been properly supervised. If she wanted a break from him, she should have accepted yhe comments from OP without making yhe "always one" bitchy comment which makes OP seem unreasonable for not understanding why the kid was staring. Not everyone has experience with SEN

People shouldn't be approaching or commenting about things that are potentially symptoms of a disability

But ot everyone is SEN savvy. I genuinely don't know if i could tell the difference between this kid staring cos of his autism or just a general teen staring for whatever reason. Being with DH i'd jave just ignored it but of i was alone i can understand why it might bother you.

So if she can't tell if its SEN related or not you just never ever question someone's actions?

I think OP did the right thing - she spoke politely and discreetly to the parent. No scene, no drama.

her being disablist after finally realising the staring was an unintentional aspect of a disability and still harping on at the mother

Did you even read the OP or have you just made this up to suit yourself? Could you please show me which part is "harping on"? This is what the first post said:

*She then muttered 'there's always one.'

I asked 'always one what ?'

'Always one who is uncomfortable being stared at.'

I didn't respond- I didn't want to argue with or antagonise another mother with a disabled child*

Tbh it's almost funny that some people are complaining about a person with asd staring at them. How many times does it happen the other way round?

Lovely thread. Lovely responses as per.

It's the fact of starting this thread that's crap, not objecting to the staring before she knew.

People with autism have sensory issues. He maybe has to stare to see stuff.

Objecting to being stared at before she knew isn't disablist, starting a thread afterwards to bitch about it is at the very least uncalled for. Why not just go home and ..get over it.

It's like another day another thread full of disablism on here.

Oohmavis nailed it earlier

Personally, I'd have put the whole thing out of my mind and moved on with my day, cheerfully acknowledging that none of us were unreasonable and probably not starting a MN thread about it.

I presume the age limit is about appropriate behaviours and safety. So the boy being there and left alone isn't appropriate. Autistic children need to be taught- where possible- appropriate reactions to other people and that includes in situations where they might find themselves exposed to things that will interest them sexually. DH has a cousin in his early 20s who has pretty severe aspergers and his parents have really struggled with his sexualised behaviours for the last 7 years or so. He does not do it with any intent but he is interested in bodies and sex and lacks the social skills to manage that. His parents have to protect him and teach him but it is really difficult. He will never live alone because he can not manage daily life without a lot of support. They would not leave him alone in a hot tub area because they would know that would be likely to cause a difficult situation for him and for other people. I don't think the OP is being disablist. What she experienced was a teenage boy not behaving appropriately- she didn't know the background.

I wonder about the mentality of people who start threads about shit things disabled people and their carers do..and those who gleefully castigate the person with the disability who is acting in a non NT way..

Because your Dhs cousin has these issues doesn't mean this boy did lulu.

Grr sneaks

Whether i personally would have started a tvread over it or not, i assume the OP felt the mother thpught she was unreasonable for not wanting to be stared at. "Another one who doesn't want to be stared at" and felt defensive about being entitlee to those feelings. OP hasn't (from what i have said) suggested that given his autism he was in the wrong, nor has anyone on here. She was asking if it was unreasonable to not like it, not whether it was ok for hin to stare (which clearly it is under the circs)

lulu

Do you seriously believe that it's the norm for parents of children with autism to not bother attempting to teach them stuff?

I agree with fanjo. Why start a thread about this subject? It does strike me as being intentionally provocative.

Of course people don't like being stared at. Of course the boy's mother could have been more polite in her response. But this boy probably faces aspects of daily life that make him much more uncomfortable than the OP was. He probably has to cope with a world that is incomprehensible and frightening to him every single day of his life. Some awareness and sensitivity from other people wouldn't hurt. It might even make his life a tiny bit easier.