To think it's not just me who doesn't like being stared at while partially dressed?

[lifeofsiam]

Dh and I were in what is supposed to be an over-14's only sauna/spa bath area.

A boy who looked significantly younger (about 12) sat on the edge of the jacuzzi steps staring at us the entire time. His mother and elder sibling stayed in the steam room, leaving him outside.

In the changing rooms, I spoke politely to the mother, saying she may not have seen the sign saying it is over -14's only, and also her son had stared at us the entire time, making us feel uncomfortable.

She became angry with me, said the boy was almost 14 and autistic- which is why he was staring.

Ok, we weren't to know that, and she was clearly very stressed.

She then muttered 'there's always one.'

I asked 'always one what ?'

'Always one who is uncomfortable being stared at.'

I didn't respond- I didn't want to argue with or antagonise another mother with a disabled child - but afterwards I thought how it's not just me who would feel uncomfortable and a lot of people, especially women and teenage girls wouldn't feel comfortable in those circumstances, either? And that I'm not 'only one' in that case?

Yes fanjo I suppose it's a compliment to my written communication at least I have dedicated many years focusing on it so that you couldnt "tell" however I often use words I don't quite understand still or get the wrong end of the stick due to being so literal, I think I was hurt that when i was clearly upset by the assumption no effort to apologise was made (which would likely have immediately sedated me) and instead tried to argue the fact that I must be very high functioning

ail that's what our bath houses are like in Japan.

fanjo, don't. Just... don't.

There is no iteration of the online "well, you don't seem really autistic to me" conversation that can ever go well. I have seen variants of it over and over and OVER, across all kinds of websites, and just.. no.

At its most benign, it is silencing- "oh, you can type? Then you have no right to weigh in on the diet cure I'm trying on my child! You don't know what it's like, caring for a child who is more disabled than you!"- and that's the nice end of the spectrum. (See what I did there?)

Yournewspaper I genuinely do think she meant only that you appear to have good understanding from your posts so she thinks you would have empathy for a child with autism if they stared at you and assess the situation and understand why they were doing it. I dont think she meant you wouldn't be distressed by it too though or that you were lying or your feelings weren't valid. Well that's the meaning I took. That's just my NT perspective :)

Tara I am just trying to explain what I thought the intention was in an attempt to make Yournewspaper maybe feel less distressed. I have respect for the fact she is the only person who knows how her disability affects her of course :)

Not sure why you are saying just don't to me Tara, as if it's me who was making the comments rather than just discussing them.

I think I couldn't accept that because I'd already said it would leave me in tears and overloaded and that it had happened to me recently with that effect and she decided that I could prevent a reaction I'd experienced just the day before somehow if I found out the other person was SN, even though the boy in the OP was better at functioning in public spaces than me (on that occasion at least)

Anyway I need to sleep. I hope everyone else can manage some too

Yeeeeeeah, but you're telling her she misinterpreted it due to being disabled.

And well, she didn't. Spotty did exactly what YourNewspaper thought she was doing. She didn't misinterpret it.

The last few pages have made ugly reading. I cannot believe the 'oh well I'm disabled too' stuff. Judging peoples abilities based on a few forum posts they have made...basically arguing that you know more about their own disability than they do. And trying to take the moral high ground over it all too. Grim...

Yes I think she should have had more empathy for you too yourNewspaper.

I think when things get heated people just get defensive and don't think of apologising.

I'm sorry you had that bad experience and that tonight upset you.

I hope you can calm enough to sleep.

Tara I'm not saying that. I'm giving my take on what I thought the poster meant.

Anyway I was trying to do a good thing and help make peace and stop distress.

Accusing me of doing the opposite is just going to cause more.

I don't think it's a great idea.

Thank you fanjo have a nice rest

I wasn't thinking in terms of disability just giving my take on what I thought the poster meant, to give a different view.

Sorry. Last post was to Tara I should have made that clear.

thanks yournewspaper. Sleep well

I'm torn because I'm still upset from my experience with the poster but I feel bad that she must have a very difficult and stressful job as the mother of SN children.

I'm in a position where my SN child is higher on the spectrum than me and much more capable, which I find to be very fortunate for myself, not sure about DD though as having SN parents must be equally difficult

I just think no matter how bad of a time you're having its not really any reason to make a vulnerable person distressed and then continue when informed about it, but i can't bare the though of that poster being upset herself whilst having a difficult night.... very conflicted

It is hard..my DD is very high needs. But you are right it is no reason to upset anyone.

I think she will have her own coping strategies and get through the night ok.

I hope you can too.

TOADS - I wasn't talking to you , my reply was to Giraffe who , to me appeared to be having a go at Navy who was only defending a distressed mother of an autistic 12 year old and like Spotty , is the parent of a severely disabled child who gets stared at all the time and has a s11t life but no , the mother should "think about a poor adult " who is stared at by a child and then has come on here to deride a 12 yr old disabled child . And to the OP if it was that upsetting for you and you poor husband why not remove yourself ?
I expect some idiot will come on and say oh she shouldn't have to . Well my nephew and his family shouldn't have to put up with either.

I never said you were

This is to the OP , I forgot to say , but when my nephew was younger he couldn't cope with other children or lots of noise . I would generally take him some where quiter , where neither he nor any one else ,God forbid would be disturbed . I would have taken him in to an adults area at the age of 12/13 if it was generally quieter , within reason, certainly in this instance I think I would have. Also I as the years progressed I would leave him on his own but well within my sight just to see if he could cope .
I am very much on the side of

But OP says she has an invisible illness, who are we to assume that part of that couldn't involve distress at being focused on in such a manner

I, obviously due to experiencing it a lot, hate when NT people stare for almost entertainment purposes sometimes. It's vile, however just because OP is and adult and the other person was a child doesn't mean she can't be upset by the situation

TOADS - well why all the emoticons from you then ? And Giraffe never said anything about having any problems of her own at first ,she just came across as being very unsympathetic to the mother of a disabled child and was calling Navy " disabilist " which Navy absolutely wasn't , what Navy did do was give Giraffe a hard time after which Giraffe started saying "oh well I'm disabled too" see where I'm coming from now ?

I think the point is the mother shouldn't have to worry about people being upset by her DS (to an extent) but it wasn't a valid reason to be rude to the OP especially as she didn't know he was SN

I can't see why the mother wouldn't think of how her DS could affect other none-NT people, it seems like she is assuming everyone else is NT

Often those who are disabled don't tell anyone else until their comfort zone has been breached, i assume she didn't feel the need to mention it until she felt vulnerable and used it as a warning so that people could cool down a bit