To think it's not just me who doesn't like being stared at while partially dressed?

[lifeofsiam]

Dh and I were in what is supposed to be an over-14's only sauna/spa bath area.

A boy who looked significantly younger (about 12) sat on the edge of the jacuzzi steps staring at us the entire time. His mother and elder sibling stayed in the steam room, leaving him outside.

In the changing rooms, I spoke politely to the mother, saying she may not have seen the sign saying it is over -14's only, and also her son had stared at us the entire time, making us feel uncomfortable.

She became angry with me, said the boy was almost 14 and autistic- which is why he was staring.

Ok, we weren't to know that, and she was clearly very stressed.

She then muttered 'there's always one.'

I asked 'always one what ?'

'Always one who is uncomfortable being stared at.'

I didn't respond- I didn't want to argue with or antagonise another mother with a disabled child - but afterwards I thought how it's not just me who would feel uncomfortable and a lot of people, especially women and teenage girls wouldn't feel comfortable in those circumstances, either? And that I'm not 'only one' in that case?

Young/teenage child stared at you in your bikini. It was not unreasonable to feel uncomfortable.

Young/teenage child turned out to have SN, which explains why he was staring. He was not being unreasonable.

Mother became annoyed and said something that absolutely makes no sense (there's always 'one' - who actually enjoys being stared at though?). However, given that she probably facing these situations and comments every single day, she was also not being unreasonable in making a bit of a nonsense comment.

Personally, I'd have put the whole thing out of my mind and moved on with my day, cheerfully acknowledging that none of us were unreasonable and probably not starting a MN thread about it.

Personally, I'd have put the whole thing out of my mind and moved on with my day, cheerfully acknowledging that none of us were unreasonable and probably not starting a MN thread about it.

And especially one with "partially undressed" That suggested, to me anyway , a scenario like a shop changing room or a hospital involving a breach of privacy, not a sauna where everyone is partially undressed.

It's very wrong and somewhat misogynistic to deny OP's feelings of being uncomfortable

For me her being disablist after finally realising the staring was an unintentional aspect of a disability and still harping on at the mother makes the OP the hands down winner in the being a shit competition.

It's difficult. Chances are her she/her daughter wanted to go in the steam room, and son didn't, she must have considered whether he'd be ok, and went for it, leaving him outside.

Personally i wouldn't have left him in that situation, for his well-being, I wouldn't have risked it.

However op, given what you know how, why are you still cross about it? It wasn't just a case of.... my son can stare at you if he wants, I don't care that you're uncomfortable, was it?

I tell my 12yo with asd not to stare. He needs to learn these things.

And I wouldn't leave him alone like that just for my "entitlement" to a few minutes in a steam room.

her being disablist after finally realising the staring was an unintentional aspect of a disability and still harping on at the mother

Why are people making stuff up?

She politely raised her concerns with the mother.
Mother got angry immediately and said he had autism.
OP dropped it so as not to antagonise the mother.
Mother was then fucking rude.
OP said nothing.

Please explain how any of that is either disablist or harping on at the mother?

Very few people like being stared at whilst in swimwear. Once the OP knew the boy had SNs she dropped it. She has done nothing wrong.

FFS.

If you feel uncomfortable at people staring, no matter who they are, that is a valid feeling, even if they are disabled.

I could tell my child not to stare a hundred times but it wouldn't stop him.

It wasn't just a case of.... my son can stare at you if he wants, I don't care that you're uncomfortable, was it? Sounds like that's exactly what it was

She knows her son stares and people complain all the time. I'm aware of the uncomfortable things me and my DD do most of the time. She did nothing to try to prevent it including supervision and expected the OP not to be uncomfortable or even dare mention it to her.

I don't think it's unreasonable to feel uncomfortable in this situation.

Why did you write 'partially dressed' in your OP? You were in swimwear. That implies you were in underwear/getting changed.

It feels very GF to me. And really, does it not occur to those of you who live in a blissful NT world that any child of 12 or over who is staring fixedly at something/someone probably isn't NT?

Or making sexual comments.

When I take ds swimming it is possible he may stare at other people. It is not something I think about because I have bigger things to deal with. Equally he may find their behaviour annoying but has to lump it.

It is highly likely that supervision would not have prevented him staring.

Lots of people with ASD stare but in reality they arnt even seeing you.

If we start removing people who can't help staring then we are going in the direction of saying some people shouldn't go out.

Big big difference between staring in the supermarket, at the park or on the bus and staring in a spa, surely?

My DD isn't autistic but has some behavioral issues. I know I can't take her everywhere, and that sucks for me, for other family members and for her, but at the moment it is what it is.

Bottom line is the mum made a mistake by leaving her underage son somewhere he shouldn't have been in the first place, SN or no SN, and then reacted rudely to the OP. Probably she was a bit stressed and flustered, probably she realized her mistake. But that's not the OP's fault either.

If it works with your dd that is fine but there are people on here who think all those not able to behave in an NT way shouldn't be out in public. They need reminding that lots of typical NT behaviour is annoying or even distressing to my son but he is expected to put up with it.

I wouldn't take ds into a ladies changing room because he is too old for that. Swimming pools, beaches or a spa ( if I think he would enjoy that when older) I absolutely would take him to.