To think it's not just me who doesn't like being stared at while partially dressed?

[lifeofsiam]

Dh and I were in what is supposed to be an over-14's only sauna/spa bath area.

A boy who looked significantly younger (about 12) sat on the edge of the jacuzzi steps staring at us the entire time. His mother and elder sibling stayed in the steam room, leaving him outside.

In the changing rooms, I spoke politely to the mother, saying she may not have seen the sign saying it is over -14's only, and also her son had stared at us the entire time, making us feel uncomfortable.

She became angry with me, said the boy was almost 14 and autistic- which is why he was staring.

Ok, we weren't to know that, and she was clearly very stressed.

She then muttered 'there's always one.'

I asked 'always one what ?'

'Always one who is uncomfortable being stared at.'

I didn't respond- I didn't want to argue with or antagonise another mother with a disabled child - but afterwards I thought how it's not just me who would feel uncomfortable and a lot of people, especially women and teenage girls wouldn't feel comfortable in those circumstances, either? And that I'm not 'only one' in that case?

Well she knows he has autism now and she implied he was staring at both her and her dh the whole time so not necessarily interested in just her and her bikini at all. I can understand why it's not pleasant to be stared at in that situation and I think it was fine to approach the mum but knowing the context I can't get too overly indignant about it.

There's a man here who has Tourette's. When he has an outburst in the library, in front of DC, it makes me feel uncomfortable and if you didn't know him you'd think he was a foul mouthed thug. Does that mean he shouldn't be allowed in the library?

OP didn't initially know he had Autism, so she wasn't wrong to speak up, but she (we) does know that there was no need for he to be uncomfortable. If they were in the steam room it really can't have been for very long.

I agree with EverySong. YABU.

bit of both really.

Yes it's horrible being stared at and it would've pissed me off but what do you expect her to do? Stay in the house with him all day and have no life at all?

The op felt uncomfortable, why should she suck it up.

Because it's not intentional and he doesn't realise he's doing it. Also there's a difference in intent

Expressionful vs Expressionless which would tell you practy if it was "pervy"

God forbid anyone have to share communal space with a disabled person be it a chatty woman with Downs who you don't know, an autistic teen who stares or a wheelchair user who wants to get the bus but you're on there with your PFB and a buggy you can fold.

I may hide this thread now. These threads do nothing for me.

i se childen staring all the time at people orvthings. i assume they are just doing that random staring/not really looking/registering thing that i do quite often if im thinking about stuff. i wouldnt be arsed enough to tell a mother off for letting a perceived underaged kid in a jacuzzi and tbh the staring prob wouldnt bother me either, id just ignore it as i do anyway.

appreciate that not everyone is laid back about this but what harm was the poor kid doing really? and if i was the mum id have probably just smiled ahd ignored you, especially as you seemed to want to carry on the drama and confrontation, why not just walk away after you discovered the reason?

I think anyone who wants to should be able to use leisure facilities however this boy needed to be supervised, he was not.

She shouldn't have dumped him like that. Of course it's hard. But I would never leave a boy of that age alone in those circumstances. He is at risk apart from anything.

What if some nutty Dad had decided he was looking too hard at his daughter or something? And been aggressive to him?

That woman needs to realise that her little boy isn't familiar to everyone.

songbird most people i know IRL would have just ignored it and carried on, if that restores a bit of faith

as a side oncecagain i find the terminology used towards a young boy very sad. would the posters assuming this CHILD was a perv feelthe same if it was a girl staring at them? or is it just boys that start their inevitable sexual harassment careers early

Violet - then the problem in that scenario would lie with the wanker dad, not the boy, even in the unlikely event he was 'perving'

It isn't policing the place to feel uncomfortable about being stared at. It's very wrong and somewhat misogynistic to deny OP's feelings of being uncomfortable.

She understands the circumstances now but that doesn't negate how she felt at the time.

The title is goady as well, it's not like he barged in to your changing room if you don't like the idea that anyone might stare at you in a bikini wear a one-piece.

This is one of those where no-one was really being unreasonable, life just isn't perfect!

The OP was not being unreasonable to feel uncomfortable being stared at. She's not a raging disabalist or terrible person because she felt uncomfortable. She shouldn't have to ignore or deny her feelings because the person doing the staring might have SN or be disabled.

Equally the boy was not being unreasonable. He has SN and as such doesn't understand that staring like that isn't appropriate, in the way another boy of his age might.

The mum was possibly slightly unreasonable because he technically shouldn't have been there if he was under 14, but tbh that's not really the issue. The staring isn't age related. She maybe shouldn't have left him unattended, but we don't how long for. She maybe could have been a bit politer to the Op, but is probably sick of comments and questions.

Sometimes, several people can have a less than ideal afternoon without anyone actually being unreasonable and this is one of those.

It's very wrong and somewhat misogynistic

No it isn't.

What it IS

IS very wrong and somewhat disablist

The OP doesn't seem to be asking all the questions other posters are assuming she's asking. She's simply saying, am I being U for feeling uncomfortable that a 14yo boy was staring at her in swimwear.

I would feel uncomfortable. That doesn't mean I think those with autism shouldn't be there or the mother should have done differently!

I agree with Sam actually as the outright disablist remarks that have been made haven't been made by OP although her reaction/response was less than what could be hoped for.

Those suggesting the OP is blaming the boy are missing the point. It's the mother being a cow about it that's the problem.

very wrong and somewhat disablist.

Rubbish.

How can it be when she didn't know the boy was autistic at the time she was feeling uncomfortable?

Once told she was still angry with the mother and felt he shouldn't have been there. The mother was annoyed as she obviously felt it should've been apparent he had SN, and likely it is, but someone always has to call attention and criticise

She was being an arse, OP. I understand how stressful it can be to have a child with any form of disability, my youngest has autism. She will be very honest with people when they ask her questions or her sense of humour may off. I just explain that she has SN and people tend to be much mire relaxed about her comments. The mother didn't have to be sarcastic back, as you weren't to know the circumstances and at the end of the day the child was under aged. I wouldn't feel comfortable with being stared at either, dressed or undressed.

Anyway I've said my piece and hidden the thread.

Disabled person made me uncomfortable/inconvenienced me/has something I don't believed they should/is pregnant/needs help/told me off for parking in a blue badge space/wanted to get on the bus/is a parent

threads

always say nasty uncalled for things and when you are a disabled poster on the forum become increasingly dispiriting

the mother wasnt the only cow in this

i think some compassion and empathy is needed, essential, for tge parents of children with autism. most of us on here could potentially have a child with autism thats undiagnosed yet. and yes while having a child with autism can bring many wonderful feelings and experiences it must he fucking hard and its not something id choose for my children to have. once the mum said he had autism and was a bit snippy that should have been the end of it because lets face it, her life must be pretty difficult

My ds who has ASD gets stared at all the time. I hadn't considered that the starers were all 'pervy.' I just assumed they were all rude fuckers.

The mother was out of order with her "always one" comment andcreally shouldn't have left him alone in a place that specifically prohibits DC his age

to be clear i dont have an issue with op feeling uncomfortable initially. and the mum was a bit shitty (understandably) but i think op was very wrong and argumentative to goad the mother further, especially as op said herself the mum was stressed