To think it's not just me who doesn't like being stared at while partially dressed?

[lifeofsiam]

Dh and I were in what is supposed to be an over-14's only sauna/spa bath area.

A boy who looked significantly younger (about 12) sat on the edge of the jacuzzi steps staring at us the entire time. His mother and elder sibling stayed in the steam room, leaving him outside.

In the changing rooms, I spoke politely to the mother, saying she may not have seen the sign saying it is over -14's only, and also her son had stared at us the entire time, making us feel uncomfortable.

She became angry with me, said the boy was almost 14 and autistic- which is why he was staring.

Ok, we weren't to know that, and she was clearly very stressed.

She then muttered 'there's always one.'

I asked 'always one what ?'

'Always one who is uncomfortable being stared at.'

I didn't respond- I didn't want to argue with or antagonise another mother with a disabled child - but afterwards I thought how it's not just me who would feel uncomfortable and a lot of people, especially women and teenage girls wouldn't feel comfortable in those circumstances, either? And that I'm not 'only one' in that case?

YANBU IMO. The main problem here surely is that the child was under 14 in an over 14s area, and the mother was off with their other child leaving said under 14 (SN) child unsupervised?

You were right to leave it as to not distress her anymore, but I fail to see why the underage child was there in the first place, SN or no SN.

Most people would feel uncomfortable being stared at. However allowances are generally made in cases such as this. Still doesn't make anyone feel less uncomfortable though :S

YANBU. She was for not supervising her child and no-one feels comfortable being stared at - dressed or undressed.

What ditsy print says - I didn't like being stared at, and didn't know it was because the boy had SN. He looked, and was, underage (only slightly as it turned out), and was unsupervised.

I didn't argue with his mother in the changing rooms- but did ask her to clarify what she meant by the 'there's always one,' which I felt was uncalled-for. I wasn't angry either, but if she had been less angry herself I would have pointed out that many people, especially women and girls, actually do feel uncomfortable being stared at. I think he should have been supervised, but I can also see how she was probably trying to get some relaxation and therefore left him outside.

YANBU. Most people would hate that

YANBU.

So now if men are boys are staring at us in swimwear and making us feel uncomfortable, we need to first consider that they may have special needs and then magically stop feeling uncomfortable?

How far does that go? If they stare and then want to get too close because they don't have good understanding of other people's personal space, we should let them, even if we (as women) start to feel very intimidated, threatened and vulnerable? If he touches you? Still can't say anything as might not be his fault?

If you felt uncomfortable being stared at that is completely understandable. Unfortunately, we as women have to be a bit on guard about our safety and threats to it, and men and teenage boys staring is something that is a bit of a warning sign.

He was too young to be there. And so she shouldn't have left him unsupervised, for both his own sake and others', especially if he was autistic. Yes, it must be very difficult for her. But she made it difficult for herself bringing him somewhere where he was too young to be, especially when his disability made it less likely he could cope with the environment.

Mother to an autistic son here, and YANBU. But I do think you should have ignored her muttering, she was obviously stressed.

As for "Mother's entitled to a few minutes to herself surely?" I'm afraid not Not as the parent to a disabled child/teenager, you are always on watch, on your guard. You have to be, more for your own child's safety than to avoid other people's embarrassment. Minutes to myself are called "going to the toilet", "going to sleep", "dropped him off at school" and I believe there is such a thing as respite but it's very hard to find.

Hmm it's a tough one. SN aside the boy shouldn't have been in there as he wasn't 14. The staring wouldn't have particularly bothered me tbh. I would have assumed at that age there was some kind of social issue and wouldn't have really felt threatened or anything if my dh was there.
If I knew my son was doing this though I wouldn't mind it being nicely pointed out to me so I could give him a heads up that jacuzzis are pretty much a no eye contact with strangers zone! It doesn't sound like you were being particularly nice about it though op...

OP you really felt intimidated at being stared at by a boy who you thought was 12 when you were with your husband! 2 of you v 1 child! I could understand if you were alone and it was a full grown man...

YANBU. This would make me feel very uncomfortable - if I knew the boy had SN, I'd understand it, but you didn't know that and thought you were being stared at by an NT young teenager.

The mother's 'there's always one' remark would have really upset me. Yes, people with disabilities have the right to use the leisure services, but women and girls also have the right not to be stared at.

YY Aye

As for all those questioning that I said a child staring could be perving. I will remember that a child couldn't possibly be perving the next time some teenage boys shout some disgusting sexual things at me on the street. They may be children. It doesn't mean they can't sexually harass a woman.

Actually, I think it could be infantilising to assume that a teenager with autism (or other SN) couldn't be staring for sexual/hormonal reasons.

No winners here though. Boy needed support he didn't get, and woman got stared at in a way that made her feel uncomfortable.

Betty you are correct - individuals with autism can often display inappropriate sexual behaviour when going through puberty. This is obviously very distressing for both the recipient of the behaviour and for their carer. However, that being the case it is NOT appropriate to take a pubescent child with autism into an area full of partially-dressed women and then leave him unsupervised - it's not fair to him or to anyone else.

NB a good friend has two autistic DC and agrees with this. My info also came from the www.autismuk.com website, I'm not just talking out of my arse.

I'm autistic, and during puberty didn't understand the rules of what you weren't allowed to look at really. Also my DD stares very intently at the closest people to her doing an activity and I think he was likely doing this. Almost like you were TV if that makes sense, he had nothing else to interact with. That doesn't mean ASD cannot be inappropriately sexual because I fully believe anyone could be with any disability or NT.

Im with PP as well I've been sexually harassed by 12 year olds I think it's naive to assume that doesn't happen.

I think his mum was the one BU as she did not supervise him and as she knew he stares and that people comment how uncomfortable it makes them then that's extra attention she should be paying. Especially in an area of under-dressed people, men or women. When people feel under threat they can react badly and she needs to keep her DS safe. And i know personally I'd be very distressed being left alone in a spa setting and I'm 25! I can't imagine he was having any fun either. If she wants to relax it should be done without him there in this circumstance.

Her "there's always one" comment is unfair. If there's "always one" then she likely isn't paying as much attention as she could be. Although it is very challenging to parent an ASD child, my DD is being assessed and I always make sure to distract her if she begins to stare and wouldn't dream of leaving her sat somewhere alone. I'm forgiving of snappy mothers in most cases because all children even NT push you to the limits. But I don't think she had any right in this context.

OP can you recall how long they were in there for? The last spa I went to had a high intensity steam room you could only spend 15mins in but then a very relaxed area with barely any steam and no time limit.

YANBU at all.

I hate being stared at by anyone, of any gender / age. It makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. That's a feature of my own autism. I wouldn't have been able to stay in that environment with someone staring at me and, in fact, may have caused me to have a meltdown. I wonder what the mother's response would have been then?

If the lad couldn't control his inappropriate behaviour, someone he was with should have intervened or he shouldn't have been there. Not his fault if he can't, but not your problem to deal with.

monkey you're playing a semantics game. You know what the OP meant. She was barely dressed. In her eyes, wearing a bathing suit may well be partially dressed as she is not fully covered. You are being a bit pendantic.

I don't assume people are autistic and I wouldn't have been comfortable with anyone staring at me - man, woman, boy, girl, aSD, NT....

Also, why do people think the rules don't apply to them? Regardless of whether your child is NT or ASD, if it says no under 14s then perhaps it's for a reason.

This is why I don't use jacuzzis. It's effectively strangers having a big bath together and trying not to look at each other.

Oh and YANBU

I'm a dingbat and just realised you were in a sauna not a jacuzzi. Ignore me.

It was both pinky - jacuzzi (spa bath) and sauna with a steam room, all in an area marked for over-14's.

You didn't know the boy had special needs, what's the issue? Not everything is out to offend. People sometimes make genuine mistakes, we're humans.

oops sorry that was aimed at songbird.

OP you really felt intimidated at being stared at by a boy who you thought was 12 when you were with your husband! 2 of you v 1 child! I could understand if you were alone and it was a full grown man...

I agree. Seems a bit of an overreaction.

Tbh whilst I enjoy being in and using these sort of facilities in posh hotels I hate being around strange people who are almost naked. I would never noticed if I were being stared at as I'd be too busy trying not to look at or have any eye contact with other users.

I haven't used the word intimidated, we felt uncomfortable to have a child fixedly staring at us in a place we go to relax.

We taught our children it was rude to stare - without knowing he had SN and thinking he was much younger, I thought he was rude, unsupervised and shouldn't have been there in the first place.

I appreciate of course that parenting a teenager with autism is stressful and difficult, but I do think the mum should appreciate people, especially women and girls, generally feel uncomfortable being stared at if they don't know the circumstances.

haven't used the word intimidated, we felt uncomfortable to have a child fixedly staring at us in a place we go to relax.

You are adults - he was a child. Staring at you. I'm sorry but really whilst it might "be rude to stare" it's really not a big deal. And if it was, why keep looking at him? Could you not have turned your back on him?