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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my mil at the birth and pick my dad over her?

544 replies

dfelix990 · 14/08/2016 11:45

hi all so basically my mum is no longer with me she passed away when i was 11 so i became extremely close to my dad who acted as my mum and dad.

im not that close to mil i mean i do like her but we arent that close, but she recently spoke to me about being at the birth and that as my mum isnt around she assumes shell be there. i said that im really sorry but i want my dad there, she started saying that was bizarre and she should have been the second choice as she is the 2nd grandmother. dh seems to think she has a point about being the 2nd grandmother.

aibu to have my dad there over her?

OP posts:
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5
0nTheEdge · 14/08/2016 18:19

Oh OP, I know it's nothing to do with me but your DH is really fucking me off! I'm sure he's lovely really, but he's being so bloody inconsiderate!! He knows you want your Dad there and he's pushing his mum on you, when it's really not all about him. It is a bit, and obviously your baby is a joint consideration, but the birth is actually more about you and what makes you comfortable. Your labour, your pain, your nakedness, etc. Not his. I'm quite feisty (luckily my DH appreciates this) and in all honesty if it were me and he were pushing this, I'd tell him if he wanted to be with his mum so much when the baby was born, they could go sit in the cafe together whilst I laboured with who I wanted!

MissingPanda · 14/08/2016 18:26

OnTheEdge has beat me to it. I was just coming back to suggest that you tell him that if he feels he's not up to the job of supporting you when you give birth to his child then you'll just take your father in and he can wait outside.

His mum could wait with him to hold his hand give him support.

Absofrigginlootly · 14/08/2016 18:26

dh is now saying that he would like his mum there

OP you need to nip this in the bud now or I forsee years of DH/MIL threads.

Next your DH will be talking about 'his birthing experience' and claiming he needs his mum there for support does the support person of the support person need a support person?? Grin

Tell your DH that he carries on disregarding your needs then he'll be lucky to be at the birth too. And get your midwife to reiterate.

no one has a right to be at a birth. As everyone has said, what you want and need are paramount here.

Time to woman-up OP and state your position- good practice for motherhood!!

Absofrigginlootly · 14/08/2016 18:27

*if he carries on

diddl · 14/08/2016 18:29

It's just so insensitive of them both.

It's not a spectator sport & MIL is MIL, not Op's mum.

Her own mum sadly can't be there-that doesn't mean that she would want someone elses mum!

It just sounds awful.

He can't say no to his mum-although it's not even his decision!

Sounds as if she'll be wanting the exact amount of time that Op's dad gets & her son will be wanting to make it happen!

Andbabymakesthree · 14/08/2016 18:38

Op did you see the men birth and love book suggestion i made upthread? Make him read it.

Also have the conversation regarding mobile phone. We had a ban on mobiles for labour / first hour of our DC2 birth because we knew how precious those moments are.

goose1964 · 14/08/2016 18:42

I would never even think of asking to be my DiLs birth partner,thats just weird.

Pearlman · 14/08/2016 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JacquettaWoodville · 14/08/2016 18:54

Op, has your midwife confirmed you can have two people there? If you are allowed two, you might not be allowed three.

Agree with asking him if he'd let your dad watch him have a poo naked then a vasectomy.

Pearlman · 14/08/2016 18:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DownWithThisSortaThing · 14/08/2016 19:07

agree with asking him if he'd let your dad watch him have a poo naked then a vasectomy

Haha yes - this!!
Just tell him it is not up for discussion and you don't want MIL there so she won't be there and that's the end of that. It's just one of those things that really is up to the woman, because even though you'll equally both be parents, he isn't the one that will be pushing the baby out of his vagina. So tough titties if he wants his mum there - you don't and its your birth.

thebakerwithboobs · 14/08/2016 19:14

Entirely your choice. We have five children and I didn't even have my husband at the births. A celebrity (can't remember who) recently said his wife didn't want him there at the birth and the poor woman was absolutely flamed for it but she, and I felt the same, didn't want her husband to see her in that much pain. It's always your choice.

alphabook · 14/08/2016 19:21

I would want someone there who I knew would be a calming, supportive influence. For me that's my DH and no one else (definitely not my mum). If for you that's your dad, then do what works for you. I definitely wouldn't want someone I'm not close to there, just because they happen to be my closest female relative.

BenguinsMummy · 14/08/2016 19:23

Tell your DH that his mother can come to YOUR labour and birth if your DF can come to his next prostate check up...

On a serious note, if you let MIL come, it will set a precedent for after the birth... If you say no to something for DC, she will run to DH and pursuade him otherwise like mine tries to

Lastly, it's your procedure, only you can decide who you want in there... I didn't let anyone in... Even DH, he respected that choice entirely "your birth, not mine"

WaxyBean · 14/08/2016 19:24

I only had DH with me - didn't want or need anyone else. But I would have picked my dad over my mum or MIL, he was an A&E nurse and has delivered loads of babies, so he'd be the most reassuring person to have there. I know both my mum and MiL would have spent the entire time panicking about why my labour was different to theirs.

Have whoever you (not your DH) wants - and you don't need a second birth partner if you don't want one.

user7755 · 14/08/2016 19:24

Haven't RTFT but your fanjo, your choice.

m0therofdragons · 14/08/2016 19:29

I've heard of people having their mums at the birth but usually when dp isn't around. Nobody I know in rl had anyone other than their dh/dp. Family usually visit after. Maybe my friends and I are odd. I love my dm and we're very close but my babies' births was a private moment between dh and I (and half the hospital staff but that's a different story).

amidestinedtobechubbyforlife · 14/08/2016 19:29

Probably not the best way to put it but fuck your MIL and her feelings. My MIL didn't ask to be at my birth but she did come to the hospital (me and DH had briefly split prior) sit in my room after a 56 hour labour EMCS and a baby who had a worryingly low temp and fucking ignored me. I wish I'd said no to the cunt now! Your mil sounds like an entitled spoilt bitch! Stick to your guns. Your dad sounds fabulous and I'm sure your mum will be watching over you Flowers

Littletabbyocelot · 14/08/2016 19:42

You need someone there who's focus is you. Your DH can't even manage that when talking about the birth - there's potentially one extra spot & he's trying to say his need for a parent is greater than yours? His mum is focused on being a grandmother & has so little concern for you that she makes crass comments about your mum.

Your dad wants to be there for you and cried when you asked him.

I'd tell DH your dad is your number one birth partner & he can choose himself for the second or send his mum in.

ohtheholidays · 14/08/2016 19:42

That's fine then OP just tell him when he's pushing a baby out of his penis he can have his Mum with him for as long as he wants Grin

StylishDuck · 14/08/2016 19:46

I honestly don't know anyone who has had anyone other than their partner at the birth. It would never have occurred to me to ask anyone else.

That aside, you have absolute last say as to who is there and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Your MIL was wrong to assume she'd be there and is even more wrong to make a fuss about you wanting your dad there. I don't understand these grandparents who feel like they have "rights" to their grandchildren like this.

PirateFairy45 · 14/08/2016 19:46

Be polite but tell her you want your father there. He brought you up and you're close to him. Not that you actually need to give a reason.

puglife15 · 14/08/2016 19:54

Your DH needs to get a fucking clue.

Please do not be pressured into saying yes. It could massively affect how your birth experience goes.

I agree with pp - tell him if he's willing to frolic around on all fours moaning, naked, for at least 3 hours before doing a huge shit on the floor in front of your family member of choice, then perhaps you'll consider it.

Hobbitfeet32 · 14/08/2016 19:55

Have who you want there. My mum was at both of my births. Both times unexpectedly as I had needed her to take me to hospital as quick births and my husband was still in work. I'm lucky for that otherwise potentially I could have give birth alone at home. She was brilliant and was able to support me and my husband. Good to know I could have been judged as really young, spoilt or immature.

Unfairestofthemall · 14/08/2016 19:56

I had my mum at both of my children's births. Didn't occur to me not too tbh, she had been through the process and was much calmer than DP. We were both grateful for her, I was scared and she was a far more reassuring presence. She's always said how amazing it was to see her grandkids born and I'm pleased she was there to share a magical moment in my life.

Have who you want OP. At the end of the day you are the main concern and you should have whatever makes labour easier for you.

Congratulations Flowers