Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my mil at the birth and pick my dad over her?

544 replies

dfelix990 · 14/08/2016 11:45

hi all so basically my mum is no longer with me she passed away when i was 11 so i became extremely close to my dad who acted as my mum and dad.

im not that close to mil i mean i do like her but we arent that close, but she recently spoke to me about being at the birth and that as my mum isnt around she assumes shell be there. i said that im really sorry but i want my dad there, she started saying that was bizarre and she should have been the second choice as she is the 2nd grandmother. dh seems to think she has a point about being the 2nd grandmother.

aibu to have my dad there over her?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Sorebigtoes · 14/08/2016 19:58

I freaked out when MIL said she wanted to get a hotel room in the same city as I was giving birth (far from where either of us actually lived) for the date of my planned induction. The thought of her waiting in said room for me to produce offspring was awful. Fortunately she was pursuaded that it was a bad idea.

dietstartstmoz · 14/08/2016 20:05

As others have said its your birth and ultimately your choice. However I didn't want anyone there other thanDH unless they could give pain relief. It was difficult for DH seeing me in so much pain and I think that would also be hard for parents. I too ended up with very long labours, naked, episiotomy and multiple medical staff. If parents had been there I think it would have been even more stressful for DH. It's a very intimate experience giving birth and for me I didn't want anyone there other than DH. It may be easier and reduce arguments if you just have Your DH. They will all be able to visit and see the baby once it arrives but I would not have wanted anyone to see me going through my births they were awful.

WeAllHaveWings · 14/08/2016 20:07

I've never heard of anyone have anybody other than their partner/dh at the birth (unless they weren't available), but as other have said its your choice not your dh's.

I always thought dh would be useless at the birth, but he was fine, stepped up and did his best. If my mum or dad had been there he would have probably stepped back and fallen into the role of being useless while they stepped up instead. It wouldn't have felt right not giving him the chance to step up, and it wouldn't have been right for us. Something to think about.

diddl · 14/08/2016 20:10

"& he can choose himself for the second or send his mum in."

Noooo-he'd probably send his mum in!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/08/2016 20:10

I know loads of women who have given birth with all sorts of people with them,
Ones who have been alone other than the HCP's ones who have had doulas ones who have not had a partner but had a parent or both parents or a friend I know one whose had a neighbour with them and one who had a rather bemused but terrific traffic warden with them.

You get to choose who ever you feel will help you the most no matter who that is

ThreeSheetsToTheWind · 14/08/2016 20:15

OP you do exactly as you please! Everyone is different and every relationship is different. Your MIL, no matter how well you get on, will never be your mum. If your DDad was an important part of your growing up then you have him if that is what you want.

This is all about you! Do not worry about anyone else. Do what YOU want. And congratulations and all the best :)

ilovecherries · 14/08/2016 20:19

It's not a bloody spectator sport. It's not for them, it's for you. And if you want your dad, then have your dad. I didn't want anyone with me but my husband, but i don't think it's at all odd you want your dad there, especially as he's been your sole parent for a long time. My daughter needed emergency Gyn surgery last year (at 18). I was out of the country. She'd created a massive fuss in A and E for her dad to be allowed to stay with her because she was terrified. By the time I'd got myself home, he'd dealt with everything from transvaginal scans, to rectal examinations to outsize sanitary towel purchase. To be fair, I think he was slightly traumatised by it all, but SHE had the support of one of the people who love her most in the world. She needed and wanted him there, and he stepped up, and that's the way it should be. Don't let anyone tell you it's weird. Her and I talked about it after, and while she said she wished I'd been there, given there was no choice, she wanted the person who would take greatest care of her. Im just glad her dad was able to be there for her.

YouCanButImNot · 14/08/2016 20:22

reboot I've got years of labour ward experience behind me as a professional and I think I can safely say that you're in the minority with your opinions! And they are shockingly judgmental. Management would be ashamed that they've recruited someone who thinks of the women like that.

op have whoever you are lost comfortable with. You need support in labour and if your dad along with your dh are the best people for YOU then that's who you go with.

Owlytellsmesecrets · 14/08/2016 20:28

At all 3 of my births it was just me and DH. He was amazing and I think because he knew he was my only support he really pulled through!!!!
I did have very quick births though and I'm a 5 push wonder!!!!

My mum desperately wanted to be there so I didn't tell her I was in labour until we arrived at the hospital and I had him 40 minutes later ... (she lives 230 miles away).

My MIL was at her DD's as she had a baby 5 weeks earlier with DS1 and with DS2 she was with other DD as her baby was due 2 weeks after mine but arrived 3 weeks early !!!! With our DD she was at Her DD's again... So she's as fucking useful as plastic cheese!
I wouldn't want her to see my fanny anyway ... It's probably too fat for her, or too hairy or too fanny like!!!

Also my DM died 2 years ago and if I was totally fucked over blessed by another baby.... There is no way I'd want my dad there.... This is the man who used to find my tampax and pretend he was smiling King a cigar with it !!!! Confused

headinthecloud · 14/08/2016 20:30

I think the main thing you need to remember is that your dad would not be there in the capacity of grandparent but as support for you not the baby.

Therefore you have there who will be most supportive of you.

If you were to give in it could potentially have a huge impact on your birth experience so stand your ground!

Makes me glad my hospital only allows one birthing partner.

Bodicea · 14/08/2016 20:41

Personally I would only ever have my dh with me and I am very close to my
Mum.
First and foremost I would say you need whoever can support you best when you are at your most vulnerable and if that's your dad that's who it is but as an aside:

I think it's important for the father to be able to be part of the process and not feel pushed out by any parents on either side. I think it helps them become a better husband and more hands on father.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 14/08/2016 21:09

Er, why does he think he should get his mum in the room 'for support' but you (you know, the one actually on the table giving birth) can't have your dad? Ffs, isn't this guy supposed to love you or something? How dare he! Is he usually like this?

Get him a bloody t shirt 'This Is Not All About Me'. I'd be strongly tempted at this point to tell him he's bloody welcome to spend the day you give birth being as needy as he likes with his mum, since you'll be taking your dad for a birthing partner. Since he'll definitely be of some bloody use.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 14/08/2016 21:10

I accept a yellow card for flagrant overuse of the word 'bloody' Blush

ThatStewie · 14/08/2016 21:18

dfelix990 I had one birth with just my partner there and one birth with partner, my Dad and my stepmother.

I know lots of people who had their mother or a friend alongside of their partner. I know quite a few women who went with friends or mother over their partner.

Research is very clear that births go smoother when the mother is appropriately supported whether it is in hospital, midwife centre or home birth.

Double check with your hospital to see if you are allowed more than one partner. Then tell your DH and MiL to STFU. Support in birth is just that: support for the birthing mother. Not spectator sports or hierarchies of family.

littlemisstax · 14/08/2016 21:25

I had my dad with me in theatre when I had DD - DH had been with me all the way through (EMCS) but fainted when they put the epidural in so got himself banned from theatre. I was asked to pick two people to call with a time limit of 1 hr to get to the hospital. Dad was my first choice, DSIL second.

My dad arrived, saw me, and was taken off by the midwife to change. He said he didn't need to as he wasn't going into theatre. The midwife smiled and said "I think you'll find you are sir".

When I had DS and an EMCS was a possibliity DH phoned my dad to come to the hospital.

madeupmummylife · 14/08/2016 21:37

I'm sorry - why on earth are you even listening to what he wants?! The fact he even had the audacity to say that would literally be grounds for me telling him his chances of being there are declining! OP - I really think you should just explain to him firmly, you're the one who has carried this child for 10 months, you're the one who will be in an incredible amount of pain, so why on earth would you care for what he wants at that moment?!
And by the way - this is coming from someone who had my own parent there, my
mother as she is who I am closest to as well as my DH and to be honest, she was a lot more supportive and calming than my H.

Fluffsnuts · 14/08/2016 21:44

Entirely your choice. I can't think of anything worse than having either my parents or my PIL present. Thankfully none of them asked, though DM did say she would be if I wanted her to be, I politely declined.

But I'd prefer to have no one there, there's no dignity in giving birth and nude with legs akimbo isn't how I want anyone to see me, medical professionals included!

ColdTeaAgain · 14/08/2016 21:53

It sounds like you and your Dad have a really special bond, of course he should be there if that's what you both want. MIL needs to understand this and if she doesn't then she is just being selfish I'm afraid. It sounds like she is being quite old fashioned in assuming you would chose her over your dad just because she is female. Perhaps she doesn't understand how close you and your dad are?

Maybe a compromise where you promise that she will be the first to come and visit once baby arrives?

Coulddowithanap · 14/08/2016 21:57

It's your choice no one else's.

Don't see a problem with wanting your dad there. My parents were with me whilst in labour, they didn't stay till the end as it went on so long and ended up needing an emergency C-section and of course it was DH who came in with me.

MrEBear · 14/08/2016 22:05

Op if you want your Dad there, have him there. He clearly is an amazing Mum / Dad to you. I am sure he will give you as much respect and dignity as he can by holding your hand and staying by your head as much as he can.

TBH he really does sound like he will be far more useful than either your DH or blinking MIL (who doesn't appear to be interested in supporting you. She just wants to peer at your hoof). Your DH attitude is really winding me up too. Tell him he can have his mother their only after your father has watching him have a shit!!!

Your birth, your body, nobody loves you more than your Dad if you want his support then have him there. Remember things mostly go swimming well and also things very rarely can go wrong.

Good luck, I'm sure your Mum will be watching over you too xx

AgedRelative · 14/08/2016 22:09

I think it's a wonderful reflection on the kind of parent your dad has been and remains that when you are vulnerable you want him. Actually makes me a bit tearful, he sounds amazing.

Your DH needs to understand that for one day it is in fact all about you. You need who you need. If he can't be supportive of that I'd suggest you tell him to fuck off to mummy's.

Anonymouses · 14/08/2016 22:22

Talk to your DF first as he may not feel he can be there/ could cope with it etc. If he is happy to be there and you want him there it's your choice. Don't let anyone else decide for
You.

5madthings · 14/08/2016 22:28

This is your birth op, you must have whoever you think will support you best. It's not about seeing the baby being born it's about them supporting you, advocating for you and helping you in whatever way necessary.

For one of my births I had a friend there as well as dh and for my fifth baby my eldest son was there was well as dh. My local hospital allows two birth partners but if an emcs is needed then only one would be allowed in.

It sounds like you have an amazing relationship with your dad and he will support you. As for your dh he doesn't even get to be at the birth unless you want him to support you and he can have his mother there when he gives birth himself. Seriously your dh needs to realise he will be there to support you and if he can't dothat then he has no place being there.

itsbetterthanabox · 14/08/2016 22:31

If your dad is who will make you feel most comfortable and supported then he should be there.
It's about what you want not anyone else.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 14/08/2016 22:43

Your DH can have an opinion when he tries to squeeze a melon out of a hole the size of an apple.

Tell him, "no, she isn't going to be there, it is a hugely personal experience, not some spectator sport, I don't want anyone except you and my father to witness it and see me at such a vulnerable time so this is that last time we are having this discussion"

What he would like when it comes to childbirth does not feature at all. It's all about the mother and baby and what the mother wants goes.