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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my mil at the birth and pick my dad over her?

544 replies

dfelix990 · 14/08/2016 11:45

hi all so basically my mum is no longer with me she passed away when i was 11 so i became extremely close to my dad who acted as my mum and dad.

im not that close to mil i mean i do like her but we arent that close, but she recently spoke to me about being at the birth and that as my mum isnt around she assumes shell be there. i said that im really sorry but i want my dad there, she started saying that was bizarre and she should have been the second choice as she is the 2nd grandmother. dh seems to think she has a point about being the 2nd grandmother.

aibu to have my dad there over her?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
MissingPanda · 14/08/2016 14:41

The thing is OP it doesn't matter who any pp on this thread would/wouldn't have with them while in labour. It doesn't matter what is usual/unusual when other women are in labour. This is your labour so it's about you and who you want there. As pp have said it's not a spectator sport it's about you going through labour and giving birth and if you want your dad there, and he's happy to be there, then have him there.

Your MIL and DP need to realise this is not a competition between grandparents. It's about your dad being there to support you while you labour and give birth. YANBU

Threesoundslikealot · 14/08/2016 14:42

Oh, and yes, the point of the thread. As I said upthread, having someone present that you don't want there can actively lengthen/stall labour. Please tell your husband that.

redexpat · 14/08/2016 14:58

I think it's great that you have such a close relationship with your Dad. I have to sya, I was presently surprised by my Dad looking after me when he and Mum came to stay when DH's paternity leave was up, so I think I get it.

Everytimeref · 14/08/2016 15:02

My dad was with me pretty much through out my labour as my DH had a new job and was unable to be with me. He was brilliant, kept me company and calm. My DM and DH was with me when I actually gave birth.

daydreamnation · 14/08/2016 15:11

I bitterly regret not having my dm at both my dcs births. I'm no longer close with the person that was present (ex dh) and feel sad that I can't share the memories (good & bad!) with anyone. I don't mean to sound harsh or cynical but divorce statistics would probably strengthen my argument! If you are close to your df, then absolutely have him there and best of luckFlowers

BocaDeTrucha · 14/08/2016 15:12

I think it's lovely that your want your dad there, but for me it would have to sit well with my dh too. Although it's all about you, and your choice, if dh felt weird with it, I wouldn't. But, I definitely wouldn't go with the mil just because dh wants it. Was your dad present at your birth? If he's been through all this before, great, but if not, I'd probably think twice. I never even considered my dm to be present and I love her dearly, but for me and for her, this is a very intimate moment just for the couple.

Mouseinahole · 14/08/2016 17:32

I never dreamt of having my mum with me 40+ years ago. My dd only wanted her dh with her and I know no one irl who has had anyone other than husband or partner other than a couple of single people who chose a friend to be birth partner.
Op it is absolutely your choice and as long as your dh is also happy about your dad being there then that's it. Tell mil she can wait outside and be the first to see you and baby afterwards. That's what I did with dd.

Mymouthgetsmeintrouble · 14/08/2016 17:35

Your body , your birth , your choice , you need to be comfortable with those around you and youre dad sounds like a great choice

OvariesForgotHerPassword · 14/08/2016 17:42

I hardly know anyone who just had their partner, just to throw in a different viewpoint.

I had my mum as well as DP. If that makes me young/immature/spoilt so be it, I have no regrets. I was 19, unprepared and very nervous, and DP was nervous too. Having my mum there was such an amazing help, I wouldn't hesitate to have her at future births.

OP have whoever you want at the birth. Not who your DP wants, not who a bunch of online randoms want and not who your MIL wants. If you want your dad there, you have your dad there.

If your DP can't get his head around it, ask him if he'd be happy to have your dad present during his vasectomy.

OvariesForgotHerPassword · 14/08/2016 17:43

Oh and I do hope we find out who reboot works for so they can be told what their employee is saying.

Original poster
dfelix990 · 14/08/2016 17:54

thank you all for your viewpoints. i cant believe that most of you only have your dp! not that its a problem, i just always thought people had their mum, if they were close or someone else.

dh is now saying that he would like his mum there, sigh, he never even cared before, its because she is probably been moaning to him, grr.

thanks all for the replies!!

OP posts:
diddl · 14/08/2016 18:00

"dh is now saying that he would like his mum there"

Oh he's having the baby is he??

Ok, he can choose his birthing partner(s) then!

He's going to be on the phone to his mum ASAP, isn't he?

OvariesForgotHerPassword · 14/08/2016 18:04

What diddl said.

If it's not involving his uterus, he gets no say in who is present.

ComedyWing · 14/08/2016 18:04

When DH develops the capacity to give birth, then he gets a say in who is in the room other than medical professionals. Christ, is he being ultra-wet ('I won't cope with blood and need my mummy! Waa!') or just awkward?

MissingPanda · 14/08/2016 18:04

Then you need to have a chat about how the labour is about you and your feeling comfortable not your MIL or even him. Get a midwife to have a word too if you feel it would help.

Alternatively do you have an older female relative such as an auntie? If so ask your DP to strip off in front of her. If he objects ask him why he feels you should feel comfortable doing it in front of his mother.

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 14/08/2016 18:07

Why does your DH need his mummy?
So she can hold his hand?

I would be putting my foot down if I were you.

Iloveowls2 · 14/08/2016 18:07

Until recently I didn't think the two birthing partners happened anywhere outside on born every minute. Everyone I know until recently just had DP there (not sure I'd want more than the necessary being there) But if you want more than one birthing partner there go with who you want it's not your mil right to be there.

Gazelda · 14/08/2016 18:09

Exactly what MissingPanda said. He's a fool and your birth is in danger of becoming far too much of a family affair. You need as much calm, care and patience as possible, from as few people as possible.

Can you ask MIL to throw you a baby shower? I hate them, but it might help her feel wanted, involved and important.

HoneyDragon · 14/08/2016 18:09

If your planning on birth on a hospital it might be worth calmly and quietly pointing out that the only person who gets to decide who can be on the labour ward is you.

You you will be supported bynmidwives who will decline access to whomever you say. Including him.

Arfarfanarf · 14/08/2016 18:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

isitseptemberyet · 14/08/2016 18:12

i would be inclined to tell my husband that Of Course he can have his mother present when HE GIVES BIRTH!! What a bloody liberty lol
I'm sorry , is this your first baby ?
If so i would sit hubby down and having previously chosen a particularly grizzly child birth video, think screaming and gore, i would put it on and then put it to him that he Surely wouldn't force someone you don't want to be there, to be present at such a Very personal event, squeeze out a few tears etc
And then (me being me) would make it innnnnncredibly difficult for her to be involved in your child's life from that point on wards, she sounds like a right interfering berk

isitseptemberyet · 14/08/2016 18:14

oooh yes what panda said too !! he he
get OH to do a naked poop in front of a relative, see how he likes it !!

PizzzaTheHutt · 14/08/2016 18:15

Dfelix I thought people only had their mums and while extended family in the delivery room when they're on one born every minute - I don't know a single person in real life who had more than their dp at the birth!

Each to their own though and it's completely up to you.

PizzzaTheHutt · 14/08/2016 18:15

Dfelix I thought people only had their mums and while extended family in the delivery room when they're on one born every minute - I don't know a single person in real life who had more than their dp at the birth!

Each to their own though and it's completely up to you.

AldrinJustice · 14/08/2016 18:15

Can we just focus on on the point that she made about your mum not being around so she'll be the replacement? I think I'd take offence to ANYONE saying that! what gives her that right? Your birth OP, your rules. You'll be the one in a vulnerable position, you'll go through one of the most toughest and most rewarding moments in your life, and if you don't want someone there, tell them. It sets a precedence for the future, and you'll be glad you did it.