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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my mil at the birth and pick my dad over her?

544 replies

dfelix990 · 14/08/2016 11:45

hi all so basically my mum is no longer with me she passed away when i was 11 so i became extremely close to my dad who acted as my mum and dad.

im not that close to mil i mean i do like her but we arent that close, but she recently spoke to me about being at the birth and that as my mum isnt around she assumes shell be there. i said that im really sorry but i want my dad there, she started saying that was bizarre and she should have been the second choice as she is the 2nd grandmother. dh seems to think she has a point about being the 2nd grandmother.

aibu to have my dad there over her?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
isitseptemberyet · 14/08/2016 13:47

dont let the MIL or anyone else make you feel weird about ur choice

leopardgecko · 14/08/2016 13:48

Reboots comments were unnecessary and make prevent other posters from seeking help in PN ward or feel unsupportive in their labour if they had taken her comments to heart. Similar codes of conduct apply for health care assistants too.

That's exactly my thoughts. Giving birth is a time of great vulnerability, a time when great support is needed (from those like the OP's lovely dad) and professionals. A professional posting her judgmental personal opinions in this way could do much emotional harm to a young person (or older) about to rely on a professional such as Reboots and make them less likely to ask for the help they need.

GrouchyKiwi · 14/08/2016 13:49

OP: as almost everyone has said, who you have to support you during labour is completely up to you. If you don't want you MIL there then that's your choice. If you're worried about her coming along despite being told not to you might be able to get the midwives to keep her out?

I had my Mum with me for my first and third children. She was an amazing support because she helped me feel grounded and stopped me from getting needlessly worked up. And for her it was also a wonderful experience to see her grandchildren being born.

I was with my Mum when my two youngest siblings were born. At no point did I feel uncomfortable. Seeing a baby being born is an incredible experience and I'll never forget it.

All the best for the rest of your pregnancy and labour. Flowers

ohtheholidays · 14/08/2016 13:51

OP I think it's lovely that you want your Dad with you and that your Dad wants to be with you.

Honestly if I'd had to choose one of my parents to be with me I'd have gone for my Dad rather than my Mum.

Whatever you do do not let yourself be bullied into having your MIL in with you.

I was on my own when I was pregnant with one of my DC and my big brother came in with me and he was bloody amazing!Better than any other birth partner I'd had before or since,he has 7DC so he knew just what to do and just how to help me. Smile

Andbabymakesthree · 14/08/2016 13:52

Anyway back to OP

I had my mum there with my first. After a slow protracted back to back labour lasting 2 days I felt so unsupported by an ignorant DP ( now ex) and uncared for by Midwives on the day assessment unit whose practice was bordering negligence. After a huge blood loss which the midwives dismissed as me being silly and normal I begged my ex to call my mother. This in itself shows how vulnerable I felt as she is not at all loving or nurturing but I was desperate.
Choose your your birth partners carefully! In the UK there is a mainstream trend to have baby's dad only but what's really matters is the mum is supported in her choices and her birth partners have the ability to advocate for her wishes and ask necessary questions of the medical staff.

HoneyDragon · 14/08/2016 13:53

If you want to have your dad there and need him than absolutely do so.

Birth isn't about grandparents.

You might want to point out to your Dh that his and his mothers attitudes are that you are some sort of vessel.

You're a person, it's sounds like you will be better off with your dad present Thanks

isitseptemberyet · 14/08/2016 13:53

on a side note id defo have a whisper in the midwifes ear to let the staff know not to let the MIL in, they are discreet (when i was working we were asked nt to let all sorts of pple in), and will trot out something along the lines about protocol or visiting hours :-D
My mother in law is an ultimate self centred pushy pain in the ass too, dnt let her make it about her !!

GabsAlot · 14/08/2016 13:53

op your dad sounds great and u must have a lovely relationship

dont know what your mil is on shes going to be the grandmother-yes and?

i was goingto be an aunt doesnt giv me automatic right to be at the birth

if your dp is going to side with her i think u need to make it clear

isitseptemberyet · 14/08/2016 13:57

me again !
On another side note, everyone is different , having had a read back lots of pple are saying tht you should/ or they'd only want their partner there. Great that they have what they want, but you should too.
For my last two births ive not had my husband there (im now on no.5 and he wont be at this birth either) ive had my mum and sister, which is what i wanted and my husband went along with it because it was Me giving birth (hes also hella squeamish)!

Roomba · 14/08/2016 13:57

Just asked my sister who is a midwife - she says it is pretty unusual for a labouring woman to have more than one birth partner in with her, and it tends to just be the younger teenage mums who ask their mum to come for support. Very unusual for a woman aged 20+ to have their mum/dad/friend there, unless their DH is unable to be there or they are single.

She also says that most of the hospitals she has worked in (a fair few) have only allowed one birth partner in anyway, so you may wish to check your DF can be there!

It didn't even occur to me to ask family to be there. If my DP couldn't be there I would have done it alone as I can think of nothing worse than my DM or DMIL flapping around anxiously while I give birth...

HeCantBeSerious · 14/08/2016 13:58

My parents flew thousands of miles to be at my first DC's birth. By "at" I mean in their house down the road. Wouldn't have occurred to either to be at the hospital any sooner than the first visiting session after DC's arrival.

I prefer it when the in laws are in a different country, so wouldn't have agreed to have them there either!

ivykaty44 · 14/08/2016 13:59

My one and only birthing support was calm, there for me and took excellent care of me, it so happens he is my father.

Op have your dad with you, if that's who you need to support you.

Pimmmms · 14/08/2016 14:03

reboot - the more you try to justify what you said the worse you sound.

Like anyone else that criticeses a whole segment of society -'oh i didn't mean YOU, you're different even if you are on benefits, X colour, Y race, etc etc. I meant OTHER people.....'

AlpacaLypse · 14/08/2016 14:05

I am very glad I asked my mum to be with me, DP is lovely but about as much use as a chocolate fireguard in this sort of situation.

Reboot is a fine example of the sort of HCP that I really hope is dying out.

GrouchyKiwi · 14/08/2016 14:07

Oh, and OP, if it helps you not feel judged by judgey types, I had DH as well as my Mum at the births and I was 29 and 33.

Pengweng · 14/08/2016 14:10

I didn't want any one apart from DH when I was giving birth but my sister had our step dad there when she had her second child as our mum was too stressy and her partner kept nearly passing out.

Go with who you are comfortable with! Congratulations!

BengalCatMum · 14/08/2016 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Astrophe · 14/08/2016 14:27

I agree with those who have said you must have a quiet word with the midwife to make sure MIL does not barge in, or show up right after the birth either.

My PILs arrived very quickly after the birth ( DH had rung them to share the news, but had said we would let them know when we were ready to receive visitors).

I had a fair bit of "repair work" done after my first labour, so when they arrived I was still a complete mess, there was blood on the floor, I hadn't showered, was in a messy hospital gown, was just trying to have a go at breastfeeding DD...I found it so intrusive and felt extremely embarrassed by their presence.

So yes, make sure the midwives know NOT to let MIL in while you labour, and not until you say you feel ready.

(As to your original question OP - it hardly needs saying again...you need to feel comfortable. Nothing else is a factor.)

Good luck OP!

leopardgecko · 14/08/2016 14:31

I am sorry if my comment offended anyone. It wasnt aimed at the OP. I was talking about what i had experienced.It was a general 'you' and not aimed at the OP.

Sorry but the fact you are speaking generally, and not aimed at one individual makes it far worse!

Threesoundslikealot · 14/08/2016 14:33

werkz, you think I was being 'point and shriek' to suggest to a health professional that she think about her language? When she had posted something that seems at worst potentially liable to open her to disciplinary measures, and could drive someone reading this thread into making a decision wrong for them for fear of being judged? Who then posted to say they hadn't meant it that way?

I'd say that very much means they need to think about their language, seriously.

leopardgecko · 14/08/2016 14:33

Interesting thread, haven't started TTC yet but all these 'etiquettes' (for want of a better word) I have been wondering about quite a bit, as don't think I would really want DM there and didn't know until now if this would be an unforgivable move

This is EXACTLY why Reboots comments are so dangerous. Causing others to think they are being judged by the very professionals who are supporting them!

leopardgecko · 14/08/2016 14:35

werkz, you think I was being 'point and shriek' to suggest to a health professional that she think about her language? When she had posted something that seems at worst potentially liable to open her to disciplinary measures, and could drive someone reading this thread into making a decision wrong for them for fear of being judged?

EXACTLY threesoundslikealot, agree 100%!

Damselindestress · 14/08/2016 14:37

It's ridiculous and insensitive for your MIL to assume she has some kind of entitlement to be at the birth since your mum has passed away. The person to be with you should be someone who can support you, which naturally for you is your dad, and someone who realises it's not about them! I think you are right to stand up to your MIL before the birth or her demands could get worse when the baby is here.

littleprincesssara · 14/08/2016 14:37

FFS, the OP is looking for advice on dealing with a pushy MIL and posters are sticking the oar in judging her for wanting her family to support her giving birth? Missing the point, much?

Threesoundslikealot · 14/08/2016 14:39

Five decades ago in the UK virtually no one had their partners with them when giving birth. In most societies going back millennia birth is a female activity, attended by the women familiar to the mother.

I don't think for one second that means men shouldn't be there - I valued my partner's presence immensely - but I also find it odd that the prevailing view has swung so much away from the idea of support coming from elsewhere (including in this case a father who has taken a very motherly role). As already said on here, birth isn't just about the crowning. It can be hours of pain and worry and exhaustion. I valued the support I had in that time from the midwives as much as that from my partner.