to not want my mil at the birth and pick my dad over her?

[dfelix990]

hi all so basically my mum is no longer with me she passed away when i was 11 so i became extremely close to my dad who acted as my mum and dad.

im not that close to mil i mean i do like her but we arent that close, but she recently spoke to me about being at the birth and that as my mum isnt around she assumes shell be there. i said that im really sorry but i want my dad there, she started saying that was bizarre and she should have been the second choice as she is the 2nd grandmother. dh seems to think she has a point about being the 2nd grandmother.

aibu to have my dad there over her?

Awwh huge congrats and beautiful name xx

Congratulations and I'm so pleased you had the support you needed

Well done dfelix

Many congratulations.

Your dh and Mil were so selfish. Keep an eye on them pushing you the wrong way as you get little Mathew home. I hope your DH learns to protect you more. But worries for the future that may not even happen. Just enjoy your gorgeous bundle of yummy squishy newborn!!!

Congratulations on your new baby and having a fantastic Dad. Commiserations on the DH and MIL.
I hope your DH wakes up and starts putting you and your child first.
Personally in your situation I would be being very wary and doing my best to recover from the birth and keep as healthy and rested as possible because as Magoria said I suspect there will be more battles to come.

You need to come up with some sort of strategy on how to handle the future without it turning into a major stress-fest for you.

I can recommend Samaritans as a good way to have a private and confidential sounding board with a supportive unbiasedhuman voice and somewhere you can let off steam without fear of repercussions.

Congratulations! So glad that you had the support you needed from your dad.

Your husband is a bloody disgrace. A man who misses the birth of his child because he's busy pandering to his sulking mother ought to be thoroughly ashamed of himself. I hope he gets on board with being a parent pretty damn quick.

Congratulations!
I'm so glad your DF was there and your MIL wasn't, I hope your DH has learnt an important lesson in priorities.

Congratulations!

At least, I suppose, your MIL has made it clear how crazy she is from the start. You can happily ignore any advice she gives now without worrying about if it's you being U or her.

I hope your DH realises now what will happen if he prioritises his mum over you and the new family he has with you - he is in serious risk of missing out, as he has today.

And OP, feel free to scan quickly through this bit of my post, as it's aimed at Reboots comment earlier in the thread. It's not a post that fits with the loving wonderful ness of welcoming your little one to the world.

But in case you're reading RB, and want to learn something, I have another 'type' of mother that dares to have someone at their birth beyond their partner...

What about the frightened or vulnerable mother to be who knows her husband won't be focused on her needs or support her?

Maybe stop and think next time you are judging vulnerable woman in labour.

Your perception of 'spoilt' may be very very far from the truth.

I guess you'd have smugly judged me as a spoilt princess dragging a doula in as well as my H.

I guess I was just so damn 'spoilt', insisting on having someone at the birth who doesn't like to beat hell out of me and watch me suffer. I'd call it an act of bravery and protection, not immaturity.

I was far from being spoilt as you can get, though you wouldn't have seen it that way, too busy plastering those spoilt and immature labels all over me... such a spoilt princess, if thats what you call a woman who will go on to sustain serious and lasting physical damage from her husbands violence when her baby is just months old.

And would you have judged me again when I was crying after the emcs, and asking for my doula again? Ah that spoilt brat right? Crying because my H wouldn't give me my baby, whilst he told me he didn't love me at all, and how could anyone love someone like me?

I did the best I could in a terrible situation.

And the idea that a medical professional would smugly label me as 'spoilt' and never bother to actually think further than their neat little labeling scheme, well it would have been devastating to me, and I'm very very glad I didn't read your post prior to having my child.

And ok, my own situation was extreme, but it's not so very unusual is it? As a midwife you will know that domestic violence increases through pregnancy and when a baby is born. There are special programs to help pick up abuse throughout antenatal care and beyond. You will know this. And knowing this, you still judge a variation in birthing partner choice as just something to smirk at and label those women young, immature and/ or spoilt?

Congratulations OP!!

And to Miscellaneous

Congratulations dfelix. 🎂
MIL not getting enough action. Seriously? Your DH needs to sort out his priorities and stop pandering to his spoilt brat of a mother.
My relationship with DIL is unusual. DIL and DD are BFF (as were us mums) and have been since reception. Her mum died when she was 12 and her DF was not like OP's. I had a good relationship with DIL before her mum died (as her mum did with my DD) and we became even closer after. Even though DIL and I have a close relationship, I would never have assumed I would be at the birth of my amazing twin DGSs and wouldn't have been (even if DS had asked) if DIL had not asked me personally.

I was 19 when I had my 1st and 36 when I had my last. My mum and DH were with me for everyone x

Your MIL sounds a nightmare. Your husband should have turned his mobile off and focussed solely on you and realised this event is NOT about her AT ALL. Glad the birth went well otherwise. I just had my (now ex) husband there. My mum was still working at that point and lived 8 hours away. I hate being fussed over so more than 1 person would have been too much for me.

Congratulations on the birth of baby Matthew and well done for having your choice of birth support.
I am secretly hoping your dad rips your husband a new one for leaving the room so close to the birth/staying away so long that he missed the birth.
Unforgivable
My DH was fab and we discussed my birth plan in detail, he understood what I wanted and why and I still remember him being really firm with midwives when I was a wee bit doolally on gas and air.

Imagine if you'd tried to keep the peace by only having your DP there and he'd flaked out like that and left you on your own!!???!!
Always go with your gut instinct. It'll serve you well with little Matthew too. Xx

Unless you are really young, immature or a bit spoilt. This is only my experience though

Can I get you a saucer of milk there?

I had dh and dm with me at ds1, just me and dh for ds2 and ds3 (circumstances rather than choice). DM died 2006 so with dd I hand dh and Smil, who strangely was better than dm. As all her kids were Cs (mine all natural), she was in awe of the whole thing. She was also a great distraction for dh who doesn't cope well in a hospital.
The point is, this is your decision, if you think your dad is best to support you in labour, great, but maybe allow mil to a midwife appointment? She feels involved and you get a feel for how things might be for the birth. She might surprise you.

It is your time and you shoukd have exactly the person / people you want with you. You MIL does not get an invite simply on the strength of being 'next up' in the absence of your own mother. Your labour / c-section is about you, her time with the baby will come later.

An old friend of mine had her wonderful dad as birth partner at all three of her deliveries. All her life he had been her rock and her strong supporting arm. It made complete sense that at her most vulnerable and poweful, she would want her dad the to support, encourage and witness. It was beautiful, not at all 'odd' as someone here suggested.

For those that think it's odd, think about it like this: dad has probably been at your own birth. He's bathed you, changed your nappy and brought you up. He's seen you naked a thousand times if that's what's bothering you.

Congratulations on the arrival of your son OP.
It seems like you got the support you needed from the person you wanted there.
I do have a different opinion from most people here though. Two people make a baby and if those two people are happy together I think the decision should be both of theirs, as to who attends the birth. If you didnt want his mother there that's fine, but I can see why a soon to be father wouldn't have wanted his FIL there either, when his child is born. Maybe he felt that as you wanted your father there so badly, he would allow you to have him and him alone. I personally think the babes father would feel as odd having your dad present at his own baby s birth as you did at the thought of having his mother there. I'm sure I won't get many fans judging by previous posts...but that's my opinion. I didn't want either parent of mine when I gave birth. I don't think I would want to attend at the birth of a future daughter in law either after reading these comments.

Congrats on Matthew OP Jill1985 if men played an equal part in labour and the birthing process I could see your point. However, it's the woman who's going through the pain and indignity and as such should absolutely be able to choose who she wants there. If her DH wanted someone for support, his DM could have been in the waiting room, bringing drinks or providing reassurance that way-instead she waited in the car park and made it all about her, causing him to miss the birth of his own child.
Maybe he felt that as you wanted your father there so badly, he would allow you to have him and him alone -how petty would a man have to be to deliberately miss his own child's birth to make a point?

Does your dad actually want to be there?????

I just had my dh as that's all I wanted. My mum was adamant she was going to be there so I had a firm word with her at a midwife appointment when she said ( yet again!) that she would be present and told her she most certainly would not be.

I also gave my birthing midwife strict instructions to not let her in if she turned up as I know what she's like.

My mum is fantastic but everything is "all about her" and for once I wanted it about me!

Saz and falange you might want to RTFT.

What the hell is wrong with people whose think they have a right to be anywhere near a naked birthing woman who has not asked them if o be there??

Omg x just seen your update! Many congratulations.

I am disgusted at your husband. My god. He had one job to do which was to support you and see his child safely into the world.....and he couldn't even do that.

I am pretty shocked by it all.

Am so glad that your Dad was there to share that special moment.

Was your DH upset when he realised he'd missed it thanks to his mother and his weakness?

Congratulations op!

Huge congratulations, I love the name. Hope you are settling into new life with your lovely baby. Am desperate to know how your DH feels about it all now though?