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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my mil at the birth and pick my dad over her?

544 replies

dfelix990 · 14/08/2016 11:45

hi all so basically my mum is no longer with me she passed away when i was 11 so i became extremely close to my dad who acted as my mum and dad.

im not that close to mil i mean i do like her but we arent that close, but she recently spoke to me about being at the birth and that as my mum isnt around she assumes shell be there. i said that im really sorry but i want my dad there, she started saying that was bizarre and she should have been the second choice as she is the 2nd grandmother. dh seems to think she has a point about being the 2nd grandmother.

aibu to have my dad there over her?

OP posts:
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5
RunnyRattata · 15/08/2016 20:32

Congratulations! Perhaps he will now understand where his priorities lie.
Enjoy your lovely baby Flowers

MillionToOneChances · 15/08/2016 20:35

Congratulations!! I'd be really cross with H and MIL in your position, though. They totally missed the point, didn't they?!

Marymoosmum14 · 15/08/2016 20:41

YANBU It is up to you who you have with you at the birth. If you want your Dad to be there your Dad should be there. It's not like you are saying that you MIL can't see the LO, you are just saying that you want your Dad someone who knows you better and will be more helpful at keeping you calm.

mummylove2monsters · 15/08/2016 20:41

I would hate to have my mil at my birth - she did ask ( my mum passed away too so I totally understand xxxx )
She was fuming that I said no - your baby , your choice xxxxx congratulations and good luck X

magoria · 15/08/2016 20:46

I think it would be bloody strange to have a MIL there.

She is a selfish cow who managed to make it all about her and deprive your H of witnessing his child being born.

Anyone who thinks they have the right to be at someone else labour is seriously self important.

This is not going to be your only battle.

You are going to need all your will power to stand up for what you want for your DS as his mother against her and maybe your DH.

You have to make a stand right at the start otherwise she will be trying to be in charge for the next 18 years.

CONGRATULATIONS Flowers

Wolpertinger · 15/08/2016 20:46

Congratulations - and I hope to goodness your DH sorts his priorities out bloody quick after that.

JaneAustinAllegro · 15/08/2016 20:53

Congratulations!
I hope your husband has learned his lesson and worked out where his priorities now lie.
Good luck continuing to lay down the law with your MIL. My relationship with mine never recovered from her uninvited barging into the hospital hours after an all nighter ending in an emergency c-section, followed by her picking up the baby and dangling her mid air without supporting her poor head (while MIL gurned for the camera). I wish I'd been more firm!

PikachuSayBoo · 15/08/2016 20:57

I work on a labour ward (as an actual midwife) and I would say most people have two birth partners. Lots of women have their mum or friend or sister. Sometimes a MIL and less frequently their dad.

Congratulations on your new arrival. Is your Dh bothered/guilty that he missed the birth? Can't believe he prioritised fussing over his mum being passive aggressive in the car park rather than supporting you!

Anchovies12 · 15/08/2016 21:09

Congratulations! Hope your dh is very sorry... Thanks goodness for your dad Flowers

Notmuchtosay1 · 15/08/2016 21:13

Personally I'd only want my other half with me. The thought of any of the grandparents being there makes me cringe. But if you feel happy for your Dad to be there then that's your choice. Your mother in law will have to wait.

Notmuchtosay1 · 15/08/2016 21:16

Whoops I didn't read it all. Congratulations!

ohtheholidays · 15/08/2016 21:16

Congratulations 990 Flowers Cake Wine

I'm glad you stood your ground and well done to your Dad,I hope your DH is grovelling for a very long time to come and his Narcissistic mother.

janethegirl2 · 15/08/2016 21:17

Congratulations Flowers

If you ever decide to have another child, please ensure your ddad is your first choice of support as it seems he did a grand job of being there for you.

Anmi0802 · 15/08/2016 21:21

I wouldn't have my dad there, cos I would be very shy, but I think it's very sweet of you to want your dad there, it's your choice, so think about yourself. Your Mil is trying to be nice but it's your choice

Anmi0802 · 15/08/2016 21:25

Sorry just read your post, congratulation Flowers
Very happy for you, and well done for having your dad, who you want to be there, and I'm sorry about your husband

Yogimummy123 · 15/08/2016 21:25

Congratulations!!

mrshuggybear · 15/08/2016 21:33

I had my Mum there-totally unplanned. I had a very long back to back labour, despite going in to hospital after 2 days of slow labour 6-7 cm dilated, it took 12 hours until I had my little girl. My mum expected it to be over by the time she got there after a 4 hour drive but it wasn't and she stayed, as quite frankly I couldn't have cared less who was there, it didn't occur to me to ask her to go and she was very supportive. I afterwards found out dh wasn't too happy but it was just us two for my second labour.
I think it needs to be something you discuss with your dh but ultimately it should be about who will support you and make you feel comfortable. There is no way I would have wanted my dad or my in laws there but saying that you will not be the first person to have their dad there, it is about your unique relationship, you will have an incredible bond and he will experience something incredible with you. That is really nice.
In other cultures it is done differently, and really it should be about what you want rather than what anyone thinks.

mrshuggybear · 15/08/2016 21:34

Whoops. Too late but congratulations.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 15/08/2016 21:35

Congratulations. Matthew is a lovely name.

Thank goodness you dad was there seeing your DH decided his mother was more of a priority than his wife giving birth to his son at that very moment. I'd find it difficult to forgive that.

Start digging your heels in now. She is going to be a nightmare that is totally supported and enabled by her son. As a pp said, good luck with that. Ask mummies boy to go back to her and your dad to move in Grin, sounds like he would do a far better job!

MrEBear · 15/08/2016 21:52

Congratulations, lovely name, hope you are recovering well xxx

I'm so glad that your Dad was with you. I just knew he would be more use than either your DH or MIL
.

I'm hoping that missing the birth because of MIL will be the wakeup call that DH needs. Somehow their is a bit of "wasn't meant to be"about DH not being there. He needs to learn that his priorities should lie elsewhere.

Congratulations again, enjoy these special days, tired and exhausted as you are enjoy.

Butlerbabyno2 · 15/08/2016 22:06

I had my mum and OH present in my first labour and I'm doing the same in my second. No one can comfort you like a parent can even when your old enough that you're becoming one yourself. A parent has seen you in your birthday suit and it's not cringey or creepy, they aren't in the room thinking that's my daughter naked on the bed, they are there giving you support and to watch the miracle of their grandchilds arrival. Stop saying this is weird. Each to their own. With your MIL just explain everything you have on your post, that as much as you are grateful for her love as a grandparent for the child, when it comes to the giving birth you only want the people you are entirely comfortable with been present, as you don't want anything not important (such as my MIL is in the room and I'm giving birth arghh) thoughts taking over such as special time, and as suggested by another mum, that she can be waiting outside and come in as soon as baby arrives. Xxx

Butlerbabyno2 · 15/08/2016 22:07

Whoops just seen I was a little late, congrats! Xx

RaspberryOverload · 15/08/2016 22:33

Congratulations Thanks

I hope your Dh now gets where his priorities should lie. Why the hell didn't he just ignore his mum? His own fault he missed the birth, he should have realised his priorities earlier.

Gazelda · 15/08/2016 22:33

Huge congratulations! Lucky you to have such a wonderful Dad, he must be bursting with pride.

In a few days, have a proper chat with your DH, get him to agree with some ground rules around his DM. She's already disrupted a special moment for him, he mustn't let her impose any more on his family of 3.

Threesoundslikealot · 15/08/2016 22:36

Congratulations! And welcome, Matthew. Well done, your lovely dad.