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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my mil at the birth and pick my dad over her?

544 replies

dfelix990 · 14/08/2016 11:45

hi all so basically my mum is no longer with me she passed away when i was 11 so i became extremely close to my dad who acted as my mum and dad.

im not that close to mil i mean i do like her but we arent that close, but she recently spoke to me about being at the birth and that as my mum isnt around she assumes shell be there. i said that im really sorry but i want my dad there, she started saying that was bizarre and she should have been the second choice as she is the 2nd grandmother. dh seems to think she has a point about being the 2nd grandmother.

aibu to have my dad there over her?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
dannydyerismydad · 15/08/2016 09:24

OP, I work alongside a maternity team. The norm is usually for the baby's father to be the birth supporter, but it sounds like you've put a great deal of thought into having your partner and your lovely dad there.

I love meeting mothers and their families, hearing about their birth experiences and their birth partner choices. Every family has their own traditions to follow and stories to tell. They are all fascinating. Nobody has the right to be at the birth. I hope your partner supports you I managing his mother's expectations.

MillionToOneChances · 15/08/2016 09:26

He can have his mum holding his hand when he's the one squeezing out a baby/kidney stone/extremely constipated poo. Who is in the room with you is about who makes you feel the most relaxed and comfortable. Feeling safe helps labour progress, too much stress can slow it down.

arlene123 · 15/08/2016 09:40

Both my parents were with me during the birth of all 3 of my dd's. My Dad was a great comfort and support during my labour's. Obviously he only stayed at my head end, so it wasn't weird at all.
At the end of the day you are the one going through the labour and delivery so who is with you is 100% your choice. Make your decision and then make it clear to your dh and mil that you appreciate her offer but this is something that you have to do your way. However she could be in the hospital or near by to allow her to come and meet her grandchild as soon as you are ready.

puglife15 · 15/08/2016 10:09

How do you "stay at the head end" of a pacing, constantly shifting woman giving birth? Not everyone lies still on a bed!

JacquettaWoodville · 15/08/2016 13:11

pug, the head end is only an issue during the actual crowning part, at which point the pacing has probably stopped!

MrEBear · 15/08/2016 13:25

Pug, I had a water birth, so head end was above water. Business end below.
Even if I was a land / normal birth I had a long night shirt thing that would have covered my bum / bits kept my dignity as much as possible. While moving around no need for anybody to see my bits unless they were at that end.
No need for the Op's dad to be at the business end peering at her hoof if she doesn't want him too. However I remain convinced MIL is only interested in the business end, not interested in supporting op.

arlene123 · 15/08/2016 14:14

pug just as others have said him staying at 'the head end' was only an issue during the actual delivery and examinations. He used to be a nurse so maintaining my dignity, knowing when to stand back or leave the room without being asked was never an issue. My Dad was there for every illness or skint knee I had, he took my hand and talked to me through every new thing I had to face and since he died 3 months ago I am so glad he held my hand and talked me through the most painful yet amazing times of my life.

Gowgirl · 15/08/2016 14:16

My husband would quite happily stayed outside if I had wanted my mum, he has since said he felt like a spare part, incidentally the anesatist took the photos of my c section as dh was trying not to pass out!

RunnyRattata · 15/08/2016 14:38

Your DH has no idea about the reality of giving birth I think. But MIL does and tbh I'd be tempted to give her enough rope but I'm naughty like that. I'd be tempted to put my serious face on and talk to her face to face in front of DH and ask her some calm direct questions along the lines of where she would want to sit, how long would she want to be present, at which point would she like to be shown my fanjo, would she want to watch the pooing or would she like the midwife to distract her, what about the stitches and painkilling injections in the fanjo would she like to watch those too? What about the noise? Would she like me to be entirely silent? Would she like me to refrain from using words like fuck and off and you and daft and cunt or doesn't she mind?
DH needs to get himself properly clued up.

Primaryteach87 · 15/08/2016 17:37

Do not under any circumstances allow yourself to be bullied into having anyone there (or not there) if you don't want them to be. It's such an intense/intimate/soul baring time. Anyone who puts pressure on you to be there, by definition shouldn't be in my book.

FWIW, my mum is alive and well but hasn't been at any of my births despite us being really close. I would also never have my mil despite us getting on perfectly well.

Yogimummy123 · 15/08/2016 17:37

I think you have to be comfortable & being uncomfortable can slow your contractions down & muck around with the physical aspect too. In my first labour (home birth) my contractions stopped when the midwife turned up & started again when she went away! I liked her but obviously was a bit uncomfortable

ThatWhiteElephant · 15/08/2016 17:40

Totally your choice 100%

Melfish · 15/08/2016 17:46

It's up to you, you're the one in labour, no one else. I had DM there and did not mind if DH was there (he works shifts so there was always the chance that he wouldn't be around). Primarily I wanted someone who had had a baby and DM was happy to come. I couldn't care less if that makes me spoilt. If your DF is happy to come and you think he'll be supportive then why not (I loved my DF but he would have passed out or wandered off to the canteen during the important bits). Perhaps MIL and DH can wait outside together?

Craigie · 15/08/2016 17:51

YANBU at all. I'm the first person point out that many people on this forum treat their MIL's as 2nd class citizens, but your choice of birthing partners is ENTIRELY your own decision. I think it's lovely that you want your Dad there. Mine is very old fashioned, and there is no way that he would have wanted to be there (I wouldn't even b/f in front of him, far less push a baby out my foof, he would actually have died!!). This is one decision that's entirely yours to make because it's your body.

impossible · 15/08/2016 17:51

Its your choice entirely and how lovely you have such a close relationship with your DF. He obviously did a great job raising you. Check beforehand you will be allowed to have two people in with you (assuming DH there). If not perhaps your DH could call your DF close to delivery and he could be there for you shortly after your baby is delivered.

Remember to keep the focus on your wellbeing in the following days too - relatives may be keen to help but the help you'll need will be largely practical (not just holding baby). Enjoy!

Mycraneisfixed · 15/08/2016 17:58

YANBU. You're the one giving birth so it's absolutely your choice and no-one else's who you want to support you and hold your hand. As a MIL I wouldn't have dreamt of expecting to be at the birth of my lovely grandson. I can't believe your MIL (and especially your DH) is even suggesting it!

BearsDontDigOnDancing · 15/08/2016 18:12

RebootYourEngine Sun 14-Aug-16 11:59:1
I work on a maternity ward and it is uncommon where i am to have anyone other than your partner. Unless you are really young, immature
or a bit spoilt. This is only my experience though.

Really? I am non of those 3, yet I had my husband and my mom there. But you carry on judging away. Sounds like a perfect attitude to have in healthcare......

dowhatnow · 15/08/2016 18:19

Another one with only my Dp there.
You want extra support on top of your DP but then DP is entitled for support from his mum. Your wishes trump his but I guess it would be easier to just have DP. On the other hand Df has already been promised.

Can you compromise and tell her she can come in immediately after the birth? Or Dp will take the baby out to show her immediately afterwards?

Chumpster · 15/08/2016 18:19

I had DH, my mum and my dad with me while I was in labour until I went into the delivery room (although that ended up in a emcs because of baby;s position). I loved having them all there, including my dad, and DH appreciated it too. But absolutely up to you who you have there. Most people just have DH I think, because otherwise it can be a distraction when you need to focus on 'you', especially if you don't feel that comfortable with them. YANBU.

MelR0yl89 · 15/08/2016 18:26

I would have had my dad there if my mum couldn't. He's your parent and of course you would want him there for your special day. It's you and your partners special day, you chose who you want there

caramac04 · 15/08/2016 18:32

When I was a student midwife I thought one mums choice of people in the room was odd. I was completely wrong and learned a lot from seeing their shared experience. YANBU and your choice is the only reasonable one.

ILoveDolly · 15/08/2016 18:36

My mum was nearby but not actually in the room for the birth and she found seeing her child go through labour really traumatic. Idk but maybe you should spare your dad that. It's more important to have your Dh there.
However who you have is your choice and I can't imagine why your mil would have thought she was going to be invited?!!

MissNosey · 15/08/2016 18:44

As others have said, it's your choice but I can't for the life of me think why anyone would want someone/anyone other than their partner to be present while you're squeezing it out.

WorryingExperience · 15/08/2016 18:53

Tell your DH when he has his vasectomy he can dictate who will be there. When you give birth, you get to decide who is there. End of. No negotiation.

Your Dad sounds lovely & if you are only allowed one birthing partner I'd choose him & not your DH because your DAD is thinking about YOU, not his bloody mother.

Inertia · 15/08/2016 18:57

Your dad sounds brilliant. Is there any chance that your husband would listen to your dad, if you asked your dad to explain that the priority is for you to have the support you need?

Other than that, there's not really anything to add to previous posts. The priority is that your birth partner is the person you know you can rely on to advocate for you and support you as the hospital patient. There is no grandparent role at this point. What your husband wants is completely irrelevant, he isn't the patient.