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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my mil at the birth and pick my dad over her?

544 replies

dfelix990 · 14/08/2016 11:45

hi all so basically my mum is no longer with me she passed away when i was 11 so i became extremely close to my dad who acted as my mum and dad.

im not that close to mil i mean i do like her but we arent that close, but she recently spoke to me about being at the birth and that as my mum isnt around she assumes shell be there. i said that im really sorry but i want my dad there, she started saying that was bizarre and she should have been the second choice as she is the 2nd grandmother. dh seems to think she has a point about being the 2nd grandmother.

aibu to have my dad there over her?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Alisvolatpropiis · 14/08/2016 22:49

Well yanbu insofar as you want your dad, to whom you are closer to than your MIL, to be there.

However I never wanted anyone other than my partner present (other than the trained professionals of course). For me it is the first moment you share as parents, seeing your child born.

I'd only have someone else present if my husband could not be present.

Blu · 14/08/2016 22:51

My SIL had her Mum with her.

I planned a home birth so had best friend and DP.

OP: congratulations on your pregnancy.

Lovely that your Dad has been such a support to you, in the very worst of times (the loss of your Mum). Having a baby brings all sorts of things to the surface in a very emotional way. I can completely understand why you would want your dad to support you, and I don't find it remotely unusual (even if it doesn't happen very often) that he would accompany you.

Good luck (something tells me you are going to need it, on the Grandmother front....)

puglife15 · 14/08/2016 22:58

So lovely that your dad is up for it, but I do wonder if you might subtly bring up how things might go eg naked mooing pooing panting bum in the air stuff? As if he's not seen a birth before or has only been present at very medicalised births it might be a bit of a shock?!

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 14/08/2016 23:11

For me I prefer it to just be my husband, he's been fantastic both times.and.know he would be again. If for any reason he couldn't be there I'd have my mum or sister there but would quite happily have my dad there x

MrsExcited · 14/08/2016 23:20

If you want your dad there your choice and no-one else has the right to make you feel odd or weird about it nit even your DH.

My personal choice was just DH, definitely not my mum!

Lilacpink40 · 14/08/2016 23:25

Have your DH and Dad. Let go of the doubt and guilt. It's what you want to do at a time when you'll be in pain and vulnerable.

From now on tell people that that's what you want. Then be quiet to let them moan / give suggestions and repeat what you want.

Be strongSmile

couldntlovethebearmore · 14/08/2016 23:31

I find it very weird to be honest to think of having my Dad there. We actually discussed it once when similar happened on TV and I said 'urghhh there's no way I'd let you in when I had a baby' and he said 'well I wouldn't be looking down that end' but I was still of the no way would you see me in that predicament ever! It's different with your mum I think they have been there themselves in such an undignified predictament!

coconutpie · 15/08/2016 00:13

Your DH has no say whatsoever who is present while you labour and give birth to your baby. MIL needs to mind her own business - this is not a spectator sport and you are not a vessel for her grandchild. It is your baby, you decide who supports you during the birth of your child.

coconutpie · 15/08/2016 00:14

PS your dad sounds lovely Flowers

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 15/08/2016 01:10

I didn't even want my husband there.

He was but only because everyone seemed to expect it. I had a planned Caesarean so it was ok. If I'd gone through labour I'm fairly certain I would not have had him there.

As for having either my mother or my mother in law there, not in a million years.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 15/08/2016 01:19

And thank goodness I only have a son, there is no way I want to attend anyone else's birth.

CoolioAndTheGang · 15/08/2016 01:30

Our Hospital has a strict one continuous birthing partner (no swapping)per mum rule so it makes it a lot easier to decide. The labour rooms (separated from the labour ward) are in a locked unit. The last thing you want when you're in labour, is an audience. Medical staff and one birthing partner is plenty imo.

DeltaSunrise · 15/08/2016 01:31

All these replies "I can't imagine....."

You don't have to imagine, it's not about you. This is about the OP who wants her dad there with her and her MIL and DH telling her it isn't right.. There's is nothing wrong with that op wanting her dad there. Her MIL shouldn't even come into it, op doesn't want her there and that should be respected.

Op YANBU, your MIL and indeed your DH can't decide this for you. There is nothing wrong with you have your dad as well as your DH there for support if that is what you want.

MrEBear · 15/08/2016 07:45

One of the things with the "I can't imagine..." posts is few people can imagine how close the Op is to her Dad.

I once worked with a Dad like hers and honestly the father / daughter bond was incredible I'm sure he was closer to his daughter than I am to my mum. His motherly side was notable, especially to young graduates, even in a very male industry.

Op. The more I think about it the more I get angry at your MiL and DH disrespecting you and your family.
I fear that this is the start of a horrible DiL/MiL relationship with a DH who won't stand up for you. MiL seems to think that as the only grandmother she can ride rough shod all over you. Even if your mum was around i still think she would be the over baring, over stepping the mark.
Your Dad will make a wonderful grandparent (filling both grandmother & grandfather roles) to your child and his bond will be super strong to them. His bond to you will grow even stronger.

Minniemagoo · 15/08/2016 07:50

Please check with your hospital - some have a one partner rule. 3 (Dh, DF and MIL) may not be allowed. Rooms are not that big and there can be quite a few medical staff passing through, especially if the birth needs assistance.

discoballfever · 15/08/2016 07:59

I had my dad best decision I made. Don't let your dh or mil guilt you. Have who you want you're the one going through this X

JudyCoolibar · 15/08/2016 08:02

Point out to your DH that his main contribution was during conception and ask if he wants his mother there for that.

SandyY2K · 15/08/2016 08:03

It's entirely your choice.

A MIL should never assume she'll be there. I would never have had my MIL there.

I just had DH with me. I'm a bit more of a private person.

My sister had our DM with her for her first DC. She said she was a fantastic help as her DH was getting on her nerves.

CelticPromise · 15/08/2016 08:12

I haven't read the whole thread, but I also work in maternity and my experience is that many women have more than one person with them - often their mum, sister etc but I've seen a couple of Dads. And it's none of our business who they have and entirely up to them, and I do not make judgements about them. My hospital limits it to two generally though. If you are at home you can do what you like.

CelticPromise · 15/08/2016 08:15

I planned to have my mum and DH there when DS was born. She has since died and I'm pregnant again. I won't be replacing her with someone else on the list! Much as I love my mil....Your dad sounds great op, and it's your choice entirely.

IJustAteTheKidsFoodAgain · 15/08/2016 08:21

I find it really sad that some find it strange. I have always said if DH couldn't be there I would've had my dad, he would be calm and make sure I was looked after. My DM would be hysterical and compare her own experiences at every opportunity. It would have nothing to do with their genders, just that one parent would be great in that situation and one would cause more stress. OP knows her dad and knows she wants him there, I simply don't understand why that is strange

HeddaGarbled · 15/08/2016 08:22

While agreeing with everyone else saying you should have who you want there, I do think you need to think a little bit more about how your H may be feeling. The birth of your child is such a special moment for you as a couple - something that is yours as a couple, slightly separate from your wider families. Might your H be feeling that he doesn't want your Dad there, pushing him out a bit, and him saying he wants his mum there is his inept way of trying to address that.

When we marry, we should be forming a new family, a new bond with someone who isn't our birth family. Some events, and I think the birth of your child may be such an event, are so intimate, so precious to the marriage, that they should be shared between you as a couple, not with your wider families.

PeggyMitchell123 · 15/08/2016 08:26

I work on a maternity ward and it is uncommon where i am to have anyone other than your partner. Unless you are really young, immature or a bit spoilt.

Can't believe I have just read this from someone who works in a maternity unit!!

Think you are in the wrong job if this is your attitude to patients Shock

TheDayIBroke · 15/08/2016 08:44

OP your dad has supported you your whole life and I think it's lovely that he has this opportunity to support you during the birth. Have him there. As others have said, the birth is about you primarily. Your DH is also there to help and support you. If you don't want MIL there, she doesn't get to be there.

HyacinthFuckit · 15/08/2016 09:12

While agreeing with everyone else saying you should have who you want there, I do think you need to think a little bit more about how your H may be feeling. The birth of your child is such a special moment for you as a couple - something that is yours as a couple, slightly separate from your wider families. Might your H be feeling that he doesn't want your Dad there, pushing him out a bit, and him saying he wants his mum there is his inept way of trying to address that.

No, she really doesn't. She needs to be focusing on how she can best be supported, and nothing else. That is more than enough to be thinking about, and she shouldn't have to be considering her partner's feelings in the slightest. He should be considering hers, and indeed he ought to have the riot act read to him for saying he wants his mother there. He needs to take one for the team.

YANBU OP, you should have whoever you think will best support you. That could be your dad. It could be FIL. It could be anyone. The only people with a right to be at a birth are the mother and, at the end of proceedings, the baby. It's nobody else's business, and to this end the comments from people calling some choices of birth partner odd, the preserve of the spoilt etc are not exactly covering the posters making them in glory.