To be angry that MIL may have indoctrinated my child?

[FruitCider]

I've been away for just under a week volunteering abroad and got home this morning. My mother in law (reverend) has been to stay with my partner whilst I went away. I'm completely atheist, partner is agnostic. MIL tried to give me a nativity set at Christmas for DD and a book full of bible stories, I declined and said I didn't want my daughter exposed to religion by people with a bias to a particular religion until she was 7/8.

I've come home today and my 3.5yo DD is continuously talking about Jesus, how God made the planet and told me I should thank god that my journey was safe. My partner says MIL had not mentioned religion when he was at home but he had to leave DD with MIL on Tuesday and Thursday whilst he went to work.

I'm absolutely RAGING! AIBU to be this angry? I literally want to banish MIL from my house and tell her she is not allowed contact with my DD for the foreseeable future.

Also is my DD likely to forget about God as she grows up if it's not mentioned again? Or is she now indoctrinated forever?

Sorry to those who may find this post offensive, I just wanted my DD to make her own mind up when she was old enough to understand that religion is a belief and there is no firm evidence for a God. She could have decided herself to be a Christian and I would have accepted that.

and your dd's dads thoughts??

I asked my parents and parents In law to not give my child juice but now she loves her dilute juice and I struggle to get her to drink water but guzzles juice. I also asked for no sweets...guess what it's the price I pay for using grandparents as child care, they want to spoil them (literally). However, my DD's behaviour is just as good (if not better) than her peers who have been at nursery before they were a year old and she has a wonderful relationship with both sets of grandparents which just melts me. I've told my mum when she needs a filling she can take her to the dentist and pay for a composite rather than amalgam!!

When she has spent the whole telling me that Jesus died but undied and went to heaven for our sins, yes I will think that she has believed what she has been told!

It's not believable though, unless you have the entire framework of the religion around it first to scaffold that into making sense.

It's just patently absurd to anyone without the knowledge of what heaven is, what sins are, what death is (and a 3.5 should know plenty about killing being final, otherwise how do you stop them killing bugs, or understand meat) So for a child to just believe it, they are very gullible, and the thing you should be worried about is not religion, but gullibility.

Hermione, I remember a little girl who was school with DS1 decided she was going to favour Zeus with her allegiance.

So for a child to just believe it, they are very gullible, and the thing you should be worried about is not religion, but gullibility.

To be honest I've been having real problems explaining to her that her grandad died... She doesn't seem to grasp that he is gone forever, but knows she has to respect living things.

Of course this little girl is gullible. She is three years old! Don't we expect small children to be innocent and trusting? This is surely the OP's main rationale for wanting her to be older before exposure to strong beliefs, especially from authority figures in her life.

Queen dowager is on the nail; most MIL regard your child as 'their grandchild' to the exclusion of 'your child' without respecting you IME. Deal with this toxic issue now or allow things to fester. Your whole family stability relies on you response.

Hermione

shalli she sounds splendid

If my DD came home and said she was building a temple to make offerings to Athena Nike I'd be much more tolerant of that than Christianity, big fat hypocrite that I am!

Your whole family stability relies on you response

and the other parents??

wheres dad in all this?

Nooka you have hit the nail on the head! Im happy for DD to learn about religions. Education prevents intolerance and hate. My Muslim friend simply told DD that she likes to have quiet thought time in the day to thank others and wears a head scarf as she feels pretty with one on. My FIL told DD that he believes one day a man built an ark and put all the animals on it to stop them from getting wet. My local mosque had an open day so I took her along and showed her inside this important building because they are truly beautiful inside. I took her inside the local cathedral as she kept asking what it was and told her people go there for celebrations. I took her to the Buddhist centre when I enquired about a meditation course. I keep a Buddha in my house as it was given to me as a gift to remind me to remain calm in difficult times. These actions will teach her slowly about religion and tolerance without forcing a particular view on her. I've never had to tell her I don't believe in these things as they have not - until now - been taught as fact.

I'm also an atheist with similar intentions for educating my kids about religion, but I would say you're looking at this the wrong way round. It's a learning opportunity, not a negative thing. Throughout her life she will encounter religion presented as fact, and your job is to teach her to assess this critically. You don't do this by sheltering her from any mention of beliefs unless controlled by you - you use the times she naturally encounters religious belief to talk about it with her and show her how to question what she's told.

My 5-year-old comes home from school telling me god lives in the sky and his little brother who died is in heaven. I tell him some people believe this but some don't, like me. He finds this fascinating, and asks lots of questions about who believes it and who doesn't. Hearing it presented as fact hasn't indoctrinated him, as long as he's also used to hearing it questioned by people he trusts.

Oh and that's a secular school with no acts of worship!

YANBU op. There must have been a lot of (unecessary) religious chat for her to be talking about it so much. MIL should have respected your wishes whatever her profession of personal beliefs.

Have not read the full thread but thought I'd give my tupence.

1). How is telling her that the stuff she has been taught about God are just stories any different to teaching her about God? Just tell her u and her man believe in different things and that it will be up to her to decide when she is older.

2). You say you want her to decide for herself. Let her have the book. Let her read it. You can also tell her stories about you believe in. Her dad can also explain why he can't decide. She will grow up to study R.E and make her own decision. You can't shelter her from religion.

3). Get a grip

She's 3. She'll be fine.

Completely agree with orsono

I was going to ring MIL tonight but I'm now spiking a fever and tonsils are covered in white spots so I think I've caught tonsillitis from Calais! maybe it's a good thing that I can barely talk, it means I have to sit on it for longer and have more time to consider what I say

How would posters feel if the OP and her child were of one religion and the MIL of another, and while caring for the DC the MIL told her that tenants of the OP's religion were wrong and taught her contradictory beliefs from her own religion? So if the OP was Christian and the MIL said "Oh no DD you have misunderstood Jesus was just a guy and not the son of God. Now Mohammed on the other hand is God's prophet, etc etc etc" That would seem very disrespectful of the OP's religious views and of the way she has chosen to bring her child up. Saying "I believe X" and acknowledging that other people do not believe X is the only way to approach this but MIL sounds too dogmatic to accept that.

I think this whole thread is a complete wind-up and that the OP is having a laugh. Too many Mumsnet religious debate trigger words in the original post for it to be real.

Ironbrew I have no idea what MN trigger words are

Your whole family stability relies on your response.
Toxic? Festering? Talk about creating a drama when there's none to be had
Ffs get a grip, the child is 3 unless this was a wind up post
Family stability being dependent on OP's response to this total non event? Only if they let it. I've got visions of a family sat round a table with notepads and carafes of water, waiting eagerly for OP to enter the room and give her verdict as to whether their "family stability" is in tact.
stay you've clearly had a bad mil experience, but even so, that was an extremely unhelpful and ridiculous post

I would be annoyed they she went behind your back but not too worried as religion does not stand up to close scrutiny. Christmas is loverly, nice stories etc, but when the child comes across something like the Haulcaust at school well they are going to have a tough time equating that with a loving god.

Perhaps as revenge as your MIL to explain Deuteronomy 22:28-29, where Gods words says that a rape victim should be sold to her attacker for 50 silver pieces.

Or Deuteronomy 2:32-35 where god orders a genocide

Or Judges 11:30-39 where god's servant is so grateful to god he murders his child.

Or bring it up todate (new testament) Revelation 9:7-19 - God intends to kill a third of the world population with human like locust with Scorpions tails (I kid you not).

Ask your MIL why she did not mention these and that your would prefer your children not to have to deal with the emotions brought about by finding their god is a deranged mass murderer.

I think it was wrong of your mil to do that, however annoying it is I don't think it will do harm. My son was very heavily influenced by friends and having a vicar regularly visit school and wanted to go to church, which I offered to take him. I just explained that this was one view of the world. One grandma believes that and the other believes in Allah so lots of different ideas, but neither Daddy nor I believe this. By now aged 8 he no longer has any interest.

Even in a secular state school, your child will be exposed to much more religious indoctrination than your MIL could provide in a month of Sundays. The legal position is as follows:

"The most recent legal statement of the requirements for collective worship (as distinct from assembly) are contained in the School Standards and Framework Act 1998. These build on similar requirements in Section 346 of the Education Act 1996, the Education Reform Act 1988, and Section 25 of the 1944 Education Act, where the law on compulsory collective worship began. Section 70 of the 1998 Act states that, subject to the parental right of excusal or other special arrangements, “…each pupil in attendance at a community, foundation or voluntary school shall on each school day take part in an act of collective worship.”

I fully support your viewpoint and I'd be cross too, but it'll all be forgotten pretty swiftly and there's no point in picking this particular battle. You've got a much bigger battle coming up, much sooner than you'd hoped for.