To be angry that MIL may have indoctrinated my child?

[FruitCider]

I've been away for just under a week volunteering abroad and got home this morning. My mother in law (reverend) has been to stay with my partner whilst I went away. I'm completely atheist, partner is agnostic. MIL tried to give me a nativity set at Christmas for DD and a book full of bible stories, I declined and said I didn't want my daughter exposed to religion by people with a bias to a particular religion until she was 7/8.

I've come home today and my 3.5yo DD is continuously talking about Jesus, how God made the planet and told me I should thank god that my journey was safe. My partner says MIL had not mentioned religion when he was at home but he had to leave DD with MIL on Tuesday and Thursday whilst he went to work.

I'm absolutely RAGING! AIBU to be this angry? I literally want to banish MIL from my house and tell her she is not allowed contact with my DD for the foreseeable future.

Also is my DD likely to forget about God as she grows up if it's not mentioned again? Or is she now indoctrinated forever?

Sorry to those who may find this post offensive, I just wanted my DD to make her own mind up when she was old enough to understand that religion is a belief and there is no firm evidence for a God. She could have decided herself to be a Christian and I would have accepted that.

Tell her about evolution vs creationary theories.
Then point out that if you are a creationist you don't believe in dinosaurs. Then see which way she goes. My money is on dinosaurs every time 😄

Well obviously your DD will not forget about God as the chances of her going through life without hearing him mentioned are nil.

You have to trust her to decided for herself what her beliefs are - you can talk to her about yours and also tell her that other people have different ideas.
I am an atheist, but I never tried to 'shield' my children from religion, I just encouraged them to think critically about all sorts of tings religion included so that they would have the tools to make their own decisions when they were old enough. Both have grown up atheist - despite going to schools that had prayers in assembly, and having a very religious granny.

Your influence over your Dd at this stage is much greater than anything she may have picked up from MIL in the last few days - she is trying out new ideas. Don;t rage, talk to her about them and ask what she thinks.

I would also personally advise against denying children any access to Bible stories. Christianity underlies so much of the history and literature of our culture that anyone who has no knowledge is at a disadvantage. A wider knowledge of other religions should be encouraged too. You can let her hear stories without suggesting they are true.

By denying access to something you make it mysterious and interesting. If you want your DD to absorb your ideas, you have to let her hear differing ones and trust that your own are so obviously sensible and correct that she will accept them. If she doesn't then it's her choice, but it's an educated choice.

Sensible reasonable arguments always get lost if anger comes into it. Calmness and reason are your best weapons against indoctrination.

Your DH, your daughters father chose the childcare. He's entitled to do so.

You have no right to be raging.

She will grow up knowing exactly what you think too.

Again (as an athiest who not only doesn't believe but morally objects to the general model of organised religion), knowing ABOUT religion is essential to understand art, history, human geography, politics, current affairs.

RELIGION exists. It's GOD that athiests don't believe in, we believe that religions exist and most of us teach our kids about them.

I, and my DC, went to a Cof E primary but don't all schools sing hymns in assembly? Don't they all have Christmas carols concerts where they all sing about the baybeee cheeezus come to save all the little children and all that?

I would let it go but get DH to tell MIL she has to dial it down.

Damn that religious group, chough, indoctrinating children via the medium of nice biscuits

Do you think she'll be able to decide for herself at 7?

I assume you never told her Santa exists.

Maybe discuss other religions with your dd? Show her some pics of traditional clothes / talk about foods other people eat when they are from other countries - make it about other ethnicities too not focus on the religions - tell her about English traditional foods! Bet she will be more interested in the foods than Jesus before long!

I'd be raging too btw. For expressly going against your wishes and your beliefs.

I would also personally advise against denying children any access to Bible stories. Christianity underlies so much of the history and literature of our culture that anyone who has no knowledge is at a disadvantage.

^ This! Most historical sites are not only fundamentally connected to one religion or another, but they also tend to be covered in religious art and icons. Will you be making sure you don't visit anywhere of historical importance for the next 4 years?

Oh and secular schools visit mosques, castles, etc

I can see why you're highly irritated and you should clear the air with your MIL and try to move on.

When my DD was three she believed fairies lived in trees in the woods. It means nothing.

And the Lord declared: Amen!

I don't think you're overreacting at all.

It's about the betrayal of trust.

If your DD had spent some time in the company of a religious person who didn't know your feelings on the subject but had talked to her about religious stuff a lot that would be a totally different thing.

But that your MIL has deliberately used her time alone with your DD to speak to fill her head with religious stories as if they are truth when you have expressly asked her not to do this is an absolute betrayal of trust.

This is the main issue IMO, that she's broken your trust.

And no, I wouldn't trust her with my DD again until I thought she understood seriousess of the line she'd stepped over and was properly contrite.

My uncle is a vicar and I'm an atheist and I can never see him pulling this kind of stunt, he's far too respectful. That she's a reverend doesn't mean it's to be expected.

Eh?

"I would also personally advise against denying children any access to Bible stories"

There's a world of difference between knowing the stories and being taught them as fact.

Id be pissed off. My mates mil does this. We attended a birthday party where mil pushed all sorts on the birthday girl and caused a huge ruckus (we gave a soft toy Darwin, just to stir the pot...)

But... Realistically she's going to be exposed to all sorts of weird ideas. The best thing to do is keep calm and teach critical thinking.

At that age, I'd go for something like: 'well, granny believes in X, but lots of people in different countries believe all sorts of different things. Some believe X and some y. They can't all be right can they? In olden days people didn't understand how things worked so they made up stories so the world made sense. Things like ... (Insert creation myths.)
Then you could pick a phenomenon and play making up stories to explain it.
As she gets older, teach her to question and think critically. That's the best defence.

But yes, I'd be having a word with mil. Not on

YABU

I'm an atheist. My ds has been talking about God etc because of his (non religious) school lessons. He's 6.

I'm not worried. He can make up his own mind. I am not going to impose my thinking on him. I don't like organised religion but it is for him to determine what he thinks.

Total overreaction. Raging? Oh please!

Indoctrinated, by the way, would be if you came home to find your DD ready to sign up to ISIS.

You don't even know what she said to your DD - everyone knows how a child that age can take a bit of information and embellish it heavily.

There's a world of difference between knowing the stories and being taught them as fact.

Some people do believe they are true. That in itself is a fact, the fact is, a lot of people believe the bible stories are more than just made up stories.

Children knowing that people they know believe them to be fact doesn't do any harm to an athiest family.

My kids know that some people believe its all true, some people believe its just stories, and we believe in science and how amazing the universe is just as it is without needing any sky fairies to make it wonderful and at that point we're usually chatting about astronomy and the god bit is forgotten.

The onus is NOT on religious people to say that their beliefs may not be fact, it's for us to tell the kids that although others believe it, we don't, because X,Y, Z

I wouldn't stress too much over it, honestly.

DH and I are both atheists. MIL is an evangelical Christian, and my family are mostly Catholic. We have had children's bibles and fables given to the kids from when they were born. They've been to baptisms, confirmations, Cathlic weddings and funerals, very long boring, bonkers and oh, GOD! how boring services at his MIL's church etc. Our relatives talk about God/Jesus all the time.

We have always just gently reminded our DC that 'this is what some people believe,' just like what me and DH believe/dont believe is personal to us, and just like your little school friend A is Muslim and believes X and your other friend B is Jewish and believes Y.

If they are not being raised in the church, they are very unlikely to morph into Christians because Granny said something about Jesus. Promise.

hardly hard-line 'indoctrination' with 2 days worth of bible stories from her Grandmother
calm down - your daughter will make up her own mind about religion or not when she is older and has thought things through for herself - like we all do.

YANBU to be annoyed that a family member went against your wishes regarding your beliefs which you had strongly stated (if that is what happened and not casual conversation) - it is sneaky.
YABU - to expect that your child will be able to avoid religion until age 8. It is good to be educated about things you don't necessarily have to believe in, it would be odd to avoid it.

Your MIL is bang out of order. It was absolutely not her place to have that conversation with your DD when you had made it clear you were waiting until she was older.

I would tell MIL that you won't be leaving her alone with DD for the foreseeable as she has broken your trust.

For all you know the god stuff coulda come from a 2 min conversation with another kid in the park or in soft play, the OP doesn't even know for sure who said what!

Aren't you indoctrinating her too? When i was about 8 I teacher told me that God had a white beard and wore a Union Jack cloak. Do you think a believe that now? I think you need to respect that day has relatives where religion is very important to them. I see no issue telling her bible stories. My little boy has been learning about Judaism at school. He's not suddenly turned Jewish but now has a lot of respect and understanding of the Jewish faith. This can only be good can't it?