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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

14 year old dd's friend is pregnant

163 replies

PurpleTango · 13/08/2016 18:59

My 14 year old dd has told me that her 14 year old friend is pregnant by a 15 year old boy - We'll call him Tom. She showed me FB pics and girl is definitely pregnant. Friend has not told her parents who the father is. Tom is the grandson of a very good friend of mine. I also have a lot to do with his mother. I babysat for her and her brother many moons ago and see them regularly. I saw both mother and grandmother yesterday - I bumped into them in town and we caught up with family chat. Nothing they said gave me the impression they had any idea that the son/grandson is about to become a father. In fact they told me what a wonderful boy Tom is (as they usually do). He is not "wonderful" and never has been. I really don't think they know half of what he gets up to. AIBU to pretend I have no idea of recent events? The girl hasn't disclosed the identity of her baby's father but both are telling their friends who the father is -and bragging about it- This is not going to end well is it?

OP posts:
AaronBleurgh · 13/08/2016 22:10

If it's all over social media, there's every chance they do know. I imagine if my 15 yo son had got his gf knocked up, it wouldn't be something I would be sharing if I bumped into an old friend that much as I would be pretty devastated.

x2boys · 13/08/2016 22:11

I,m friends with dh 15 yr daughter on Facebook as is her mum so I see all the typical teenage crap she posts and her friends it can only be a matter or time before both sets of parents find out.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 13/08/2016 22:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WeekendAway · 13/08/2016 22:20

If I was Tom's Mum I would want to know and would feel very bad if I knew you hadn't told me.

Wanting to know won't make a blind bit of difference to the outcome as Tom doesn't get to make any of the decisions from hereon in.

foursillybeans · 13/08/2016 22:22

Oooooo stay well out of this one. You might know the truth (equally you could be wrong-you weren't there at the time of conception) but it's not to do with you and you'll only get caught up in a shit storm. It is never going to stay secret anyway.

Original poster
PurpleTango · 13/08/2016 22:24

The SM posts between the kids and their friends are via personal messaging. This is an example of Toms mothers posts on FB. She is not going to take kindly to anyone letting her know her 15 year old is going to become a father. It won't even enter her head that her son could be capable of it. Look, I have asked for advice - not because I am over invested. I just don't know how to deal with this. I have Toms mum on FB. His grandmother (my friend) isn't on FB. I have only two days ago become aware of this event. I feel so sorry for everyone involved and I don't know what to do for the best. I have taken a pic of Toms mum latest FB post but I don't know how to upload it. Anyone?

OP posts:
AnotherPrickInTheWall · 13/08/2016 22:28

They are both kids and can't handle the reality themselves.
I would say something in this situation . I know it isn't your business but it seems quite clear that neither parent is able to be upfront about this very important situation.
They all need support if this child and indeed the parents; are going to succeed in life.
It isn't an ideal start in life nor is it the end of the world if everyone can do their best to ensure this child is cared for .

Kahlua4me · 13/08/2016 22:28

I think you should probably tell your friend.
It will be hard but if it was the other way round would you want to know?

I know that if I was your friend, I would want to be told.

Neome · 13/08/2016 22:30

I like Benedick's approach but would suggest something more immediate.

Send your dear friend a pretty card asap along these lines "Dear friend, I'm just about to go away for a fortnight but something is preying on my mind which I hope you don't mind me sharing with you.

I've heard a rumour that Tom's girlfriend Lucy is expecting, of course I've no idea if this is accurate or comes down to teenage dramatics or mischief making. After turning it over and over in my mind I decided that I would want you to tell me if the boot was on the other foot and you heard something about DD you thought I should know.

I hope it turns out to be a misunderstanding on my part and that you will you will forgive me for writing like this.

Much love etc "

This means she is forewarned but not obliged to do anything - she might wait to see if Tom speaks up. She can't cross question you about what you heard. You can stop worrying what to do and have a holiday.

It's a very uncomfortable dilemma, good luck with whatever you decide. Flowers

LauderSyme · 13/08/2016 22:32

The thing is, if you don't tell your friend but allow her to find out through another channel later on, you will either have to lie to her and pretend you did not know before she did, or you will have to own up to knowing and risk her being upset with you for keeping it from her.
If she confides in you about the situation are you really going to be able to act all surprised and shocked? And if you do, isn't that a fairly shitty way to treat a friend you want to help and support?
And if you don't lie, how do you think she will feel if you say "Oh yes I knew about that?" I can't imagine she would think that made you a great friend either.
If you and she are so close, can you not express your concern to her that her grandson is being named on social media as the father of his girlfriend's unborn baby? That you don't know if it's true but you felt she ought to know so that either way her family can deal with it?

Footle · 13/08/2016 22:34

For god's sake don't copy someone's Fb post on here ! What on earth are you thinking ?
Leave this whole hornets' nest alone before you get yourself into real trouble.

Rubies12345 · 13/08/2016 22:38

We don't know 100% Tom is the father. She could be lying to her friends or there could be two lads in the frame Jeremy Kyle style.

It could be the end of the friendship if you're wrong

Memoires · 13/08/2016 22:39

You have no need to tell the school. The girl's parents know and when she goes back in September, the school staff will only need to take one look at her to know too. For all you know, her parents have already told the school. At most, you could say you are concerned about your dd coping with her friend being pg, and that maybe they could do a supportive assembly or something.

As for your friends, as the pair have been seeing each other for a year, the probably know the girl, and they only have to see her to know she's pg too. However, you could take a slightly convoluted route to open the way for the gm to talk about it to you by starting with whether Tom's got a gf, oh who, oh dd knows her, do you like her, etc etc.

Or that you've heard something which worries you .....

LauderSyme · 13/08/2016 22:40

OP, I cross posted with your last couple of posts so am sorry if I missed or repeated stuff. This is a horribly difficult situation for you to be in and I am sorry you find yourself stuck in the middle of it. I hope it all works out for the best for everyone concerned Flowers

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 13/08/2016 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hungryhippo90 · 13/08/2016 22:44

Oh gosh, I feel for you OP.I can't imagine how rough this is on you, but I would probably keep out of it if I were you.

You do not want to be the person to shatter their illusions of their son/grandson...this may all well turn out to be "your fault" being the bearer of the news.

If you do tell them, be prepared for strong reactions as this is undoubtedly going to shock to them.

I hope that they both have supportive families.

Good luck to you all!

clary · 13/08/2016 22:47

Just to say to those saying "school will be closed" - yes teachers are not teaching students but office staff will be in, the head will be in some days and in contact; the head of safeguarding (who will probably be the head/dep head) will be picking up messages.

Someone will pick up the message (most likely answer the phone) and will take appropriate action.

FWIW I have reported safeguarding issues that I knew about and I was not the parent (I am a teacher so it's a bit different I do see); IMHO it's the responsible thing to do. School need to know and ASAP. I would also tell my friend what I knew/thought I knew. Up to them then to find out more.

blinkowl · 13/08/2016 22:52

Don't post someone else's FB post here, it's a massive invasion of privacy.

What if she - or another friend even - reads this, recognises herself and finds out her DS is to be a dad via mumsnet?!

Spottytop1 · 13/08/2016 22:54

This is a private matter between the children & their families,

It is not your place to tell the school or anyone else!

The girls parents know so leave it to them.

I can't believe people are saying contact the school etc... It is nothing to do with you!

clary · 13/08/2016 22:55

Meant to add - yes the girl's parents may well have told school but if they have then your call does no harm. If not, well then it can only help.

This is not about being a busybody or interfering - it is a safeguarding issue and everyone that can should try to protect these children.

I wasn't interfering when I told senior staff about issues. I don't know what happened afterwards - I don't need to. I passed it on and that was what needed to be done. Senior staff/other agencies/the child's family dealt with it after that.

I do see OP that you are not in the same position ie in loco parentis but I still feel the moral responsibility is there. I do also sympathise, believe me, as it must be a hard decision. Especially as what you have is hearsay rather than direct testimony.

Cocoabutton · 13/08/2016 23:01

Leave this alone. And suggest to your DD that she do similar. It is not yoyr business. Why on earth would you even think of posting someone's FB posts on here? Shock

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 13/08/2016 23:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lljkk · 13/08/2016 23:02

It sounds like this information is eating away at OP, cannot be ignored, OP feels false as a friend to not say something.

If I did speak to my friend (the grandM) I would say "I feel I have to tell you what I heard, I think you would want to know and I find it too difficult to not tell you" and then it's her info to do with as she pleases.

If they were people I didn't know well, then I would feel fine about saying nothing.

Pcat · 13/08/2016 23:06

Surely the main thing here is your relationship with your daughter.

She told you something in confidence and if you go interfering in other people's dramas and inform other parents or school then she might not confide in you in the future......
Is this an opportunity to talk to her about sexual activity/ relationships and avoiding getting pregnant? If her friend is sexually active then there is a good chance she is too or will be very soon and could do with your help and advice

WeAllHaveWings · 13/08/2016 23:17

As a mother of a son, I am horrified that two children together have made a mistake and anyone could think the boy involved doesn't also need immediate adult support from his family.

He may be a little shit (most teenagers are) and showing some immature bravado, but at the end of the day under all that he's a child who has found out he's going to be a dad and no one is there to support him.

Sure the girl will have the brunt of the consequences for their joint mistake, but the hoy is also still a child in a very adult situation and should be getting support urgently, not a maybe tell the parents after your holiday. This is the kind of situation where young boys without support can quickly get out of their depth (I have known of young boys commit suicide for less serious things than this)