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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

14 year old dd's friend is pregnant

163 replies

PurpleTango · 13/08/2016 18:59

My 14 year old dd has told me that her 14 year old friend is pregnant by a 15 year old boy - We'll call him Tom. She showed me FB pics and girl is definitely pregnant. Friend has not told her parents who the father is. Tom is the grandson of a very good friend of mine. I also have a lot to do with his mother. I babysat for her and her brother many moons ago and see them regularly. I saw both mother and grandmother yesterday - I bumped into them in town and we caught up with family chat. Nothing they said gave me the impression they had any idea that the son/grandson is about to become a father. In fact they told me what a wonderful boy Tom is (as they usually do). He is not "wonderful" and never has been. I really don't think they know half of what he gets up to. AIBU to pretend I have no idea of recent events? The girl hasn't disclosed the identity of her baby's father but both are telling their friends who the father is -and bragging about it- This is not going to end well is it?

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleTango · 13/08/2016 21:42

Ok. First off for those of you who ar not aware we are on summer school holiday so no school for another 3 weeks. There is no way I can make school aware of the situation. Girl and Boy involved state that girls parents know she is pregnant. Girl has stated on social media that she is keeping the baby and her parents are supportive. Boy and girl have been "seeing" for at last a year. Boys mum and grandmother are aware of this. The only thing that is not clear is whether Toms mum and grandmother have any idea that he is about to become a father. I love my friend to bits. She is going to be devastated by this news. Perhaps I am being a little selfish here but I really don't want to be the one to blow her world apart and be ostracised for knowing something she didn't. I will, however, want to be the one to stand by her and support her when the truth comes out - which it most certainly will. I can say with 100% confidence that when it does come out my friend will make her grandson step up to his responsibilities. The boy concerned is most certainly not as "wonderful" as his mother thinks. He has been treading a very fine line for a number of years. It is so sad that these kids are about to become parents but are obviously still so immature (Yes because they are 14 and 15!) I think I need time to get my head around it tbh. If push comes to shove I will tell my friend what I know. I asked for advice on here. I have a 50% split at the moment. Half say keep out its none of my business ( I agree). The other half say I should be an adult and tell my friend (I agree). I am still no wiser.

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titchy · 13/08/2016 21:44

Schools will monitor phone messages left. Please do the responsible adult thing and tell someone. These children need help and support. Not adults walking on by.

Benedikte2 · 13/08/2016 21:46

I think for friendships sake you ought to tell grandmother. Leave it until you get back from holiday and then approach her and say you have some difficult info and you aren't 100% sure it's correct but you think she should know because the rumours flying round the village concern her grandson. Then leave it at that. GM can't afterwards ask if you knew and why you didn't tell her etc
Given the pregnant girl's age SS will be involved at some stage and will get the father's name. If baby too be adopted court will demand she discloses father for child's future identity info.

KoalaDownUnder · 13/08/2016 21:46

I think you need to tell your friends, ASAP.

Anything else is a cop-out. It's her child, she needs to know he's being named as the father of his child-girlfriend's baby.

Don't let her find out through the grapevine, ffs.

Bogeyface · 13/08/2016 21:46

The medical history of the baby's father will be requested if she is keeping the baby. I can't imagine this girl will be able to continue hiding his identity.

Then you imagine wrong. There is no way of forcing her to say who it is, and if she chooses not to disclose then there is nothing anyone can do. That said, the way they are all over FB about it, its only a matter of time before the parents all find out.

KoalaDownUnder · 13/08/2016 21:47

Ps Yes, you are being selfish. Sorry, that's my opinion.

Bogeyface · 13/08/2016 21:48

OP your friendship is clearly very important to you, if you dont tell her and she finds out later that you knew then that will do far more damage to your friendshhip than you telling her would ever do.

From a purely selfish POV I think that you should say "This is what I have heard....." to give them a chance to find out the truth for themselves.

Ackvavit · 13/08/2016 21:48

Personally I'd stay out of this bit but be there longer term as a supportive friend. It's not ideal but it isn't the end of the world and perhaps with some support it will all work out. No one should ever be devasted at a baby being conceived. I think you'll get more out of being supportive than being a deliverer of news they should hear from family. Good luck.

TwistedReach · 13/08/2016 21:50

There are vulnerable children involved here. They need care and for adults to look after them. Not sure why you keep trying to say the boy isn't 'wonderful'. He's 14. Presumably you are an adult?

Bogeyface · 13/08/2016 21:50

FFS! No one, not even a judge, can force her to say who it is! All she has to say is that she doesnt know! That she had sex once with a boy her own age and never saw him again. It happens. Everyone will know that she is lying but it cannot and will not be forced out of her!

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 13/08/2016 21:52

You live in a small village, the boy and girl have been 'seeing' each other and now she is pregnant. Her family know and she has published it on line. It's very likely everyone will know in the next few weeks, including the boy's family (if they don't already.)
I actually think you should not approach any of the adults involved to discuss it. I don't think you will need to.

bluecashmere · 13/08/2016 21:52

OP I don't think you can be certain they don't know anyway. If they did and are coming coming to terms with the situation they are hardly likely to drop it into casual conversation in the street.

But if you are sure they don't know and if Tom is accepting on social media that he is the father to the extent you can be certain, it would probably be better for them to find out now.

Bogeyface · 13/08/2016 21:52

No one should ever be devasted at a baby being conceived

Yeah? Come back and say that when its your 14 year old DD who is pregnant Hmm

I was 17 when I had DC1, and I would most definitely be devastated if one of my girls did the same.

Heathen4Hire · 13/08/2016 21:53

Lucy told your daughter something that is a secret. Your daughter is bursting to confide in someone -you- because it is a huge deal. You cannot betray your daughter's trust in you.

LIZS · 13/08/2016 21:55

School staff will be in next week ready for A level and GCSE results. However imho it isn't your role to inform them , that is firstly up to parents of the children involved. Only if you know that won't happen should you get involved. Won't it be pretty obvious that she is pg soon and your friend will surely ask questions of her Ds.

chocoLit · 13/08/2016 21:55

14 Sad they're just kids themselves.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 13/08/2016 21:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PickAChew · 13/08/2016 21:58

I can understand why it would be tempting to keep out of it - your DD has spoken to you in confidence and the repercussions could be ugly for her.

The sensible thing to do, though, would be to tell your friend that you've chanced across something that's rather concerning and she needs to check out Tom's FB, if she can.

WeekendAway · 13/08/2016 21:59

You sound as though you are enjoying all this a little bit too much and you sound rather judgemental about 'Tom' in particular.

Aprt from talking to your DD about the dangers of unprotected sex, If i were you I'd keep well out of every single aspect of it and say nothing to anyone. Not even your good friend. Wait until you are told and then pretend you never knew a thing. If you say anything it will come back to bite your DD.

You cannot come out of it looking like anything other than a meddling busybody with a huge dose of schadenfreude.

AGenie · 13/08/2016 21:59

If I was Tom's Mum I would want to know and would feel very bad if I knew you hadn't told me. Having said that, I recently approached a good friend about a much more minor incident with her son and it didn't go well at all, so it may be different with different people.

Original poster
PurpleTango · 13/08/2016 22:00

I think for friendships sake you ought to tell grandmother. Leave it until you get back from holiday and then approach her and say you have some difficult info and you aren't 100% sure it's correct but you think she should know because the rumours flying round the village concern her grandson. Then leave it at that. GM can't afterwards ask if you knew and why you didn't tell her etc
Given the pregnant girl's age SS will be involved at some stage and will get the father's name. If baby too be adopted court will demand she discloses father for child's future identity info

Thank you Benedikt. That is a very reasoned response. I will think on it over my 2 week holiday and look out for any updates on my return. I will speak to my friend about it whether she knows by then or not. My DD only added this girl and boy as a friend a week ago. I wish she hadn't tbh. But as I now know what is happening I really do feel a sense of duty to let the adults involved know what is happening. (I just wish it wasn't me who had to do it). Poor kids - and poor baby! :(

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sadie9 · 13/08/2016 22:02

The girl's parents know she is pregnant. The girl's parents will manage the situation surely, without input from you. Your DD has told you a boy's name and says the girl told her it was him. You do not know for sure if this boy is actually the father or not. So stay out of it would be my advice.
Until someone does a DNA test or the boy and girl themselves tell people, no one will really know the truth.
The girl's parents are looking after her.

Original poster
PurpleTango · 13/08/2016 22:04

ILostIt. No it hasn't been published on line. It has been spoken about on private messaging.

Weekend Away. I am certainly not enjoying it. I wish I didn't know. But I do. That's my dilemma

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Spottytop1 · 13/08/2016 22:05

It isn't anything to do with you. You need to let this situation be, the truth will come out & they will all deal with it in their own time.

It is possible that he is not the father and they are telling people he is to 'save face' or because they are currently together - these things happen. You involving yourself in this situation will help no-one.

Original poster
PurpleTango · 13/08/2016 22:07

Yes Sadie. I agree. Its not my business - except the boy himself has taken responsibility via PM to my DD. His "girlfriend" plus lots of other friends have said the same. Believe me its not easy

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