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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

14 year old dd's friend is pregnant

163 replies

PurpleTango · 13/08/2016 18:59

My 14 year old dd has told me that her 14 year old friend is pregnant by a 15 year old boy - We'll call him Tom. She showed me FB pics and girl is definitely pregnant. Friend has not told her parents who the father is. Tom is the grandson of a very good friend of mine. I also have a lot to do with his mother. I babysat for her and her brother many moons ago and see them regularly. I saw both mother and grandmother yesterday - I bumped into them in town and we caught up with family chat. Nothing they said gave me the impression they had any idea that the son/grandson is about to become a father. In fact they told me what a wonderful boy Tom is (as they usually do). He is not "wonderful" and never has been. I really don't think they know half of what he gets up to. AIBU to pretend I have no idea of recent events? The girl hasn't disclosed the identity of her baby's father but both are telling their friends who the father is -and bragging about it- This is not going to end well is it?

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 13/08/2016 20:21

I agree with Bandito. This is stuff for the adults to deal with, and as a close friend I do think you should let Tom's Grandmother know what you have been told. I agee with the pp who said "imagine that Tom is your son". If he was my boy or Grandson and there was information flying about that I wasn't party to, if a friend knew and didn't tell me I would feel upset and rather betrayed. She isn't a casual aquaintance, she is a friend of long standing- I would go and talk to her about what your Dd has told you. Very tough for you, but I think the only way.

x2boys · 13/08/2016 20:25

Yes tell the school and let them deal with poor kids are they planning on having the baby?Sad

MaureenMLove · 13/08/2016 20:30

I'd stay out of it. If the kids are talking about it on Facebook, it'll be out there soon enough and your friend may be greatful for you to be there for her, rather than you steaming in with something you've heard, iyswim.

Equality, theres no need to phone the school, for a start there's not going to be anyone there for a couple of weeks and secondly as soon as the girl had been to the doctors, which she will have to do at some point, information will be shared by various agencies across children's services.

EweAreHere · 13/08/2016 20:32

They are minors. They are family friends.

I would strongly consider saying something. Relevant adults especially need to know if the girls aren't being forthcoming with parents and the dad, but telling everyone else!

goddessoftheharvest · 13/08/2016 20:33

I think you need to tell. They are both underage and while the priority is the girl who is pregnant, Tom will need support and adult guidance too. He can't get that when it's all being gossiped about by his school friends on fb. As a responsible adult, you need to pass on the information that you have.

Welshrainbow · 13/08/2016 20:33

Why the hell aren't either set of parents monitoring their social media? And if they do monitor it and they are both bragging about it then surely they do know?
If I were you I would stay well clear unless the grandmother of the boy is still a good friend in which case is sit her down and tell her gently what they have been saying in their social media and say you are not 100% sure how much truth there is in it but you thought she should know.

Goingtobeawesome · 13/08/2016 20:34

You aren't the one blowing the grandmothers world apart. You aren't that important in this scenario. Tell your friend. It's really bad you haven't.

LaceyLee · 13/08/2016 20:34

I think I would tell the school and his parents. I would say your daughter has told you because she (and maybe even pregnant friend?) want adults to know as they realize they need help with this situation. You could do the latter in an anonymous way.... But if she's a really good friend then don't. She won't thank you for it (boy's mother) but imo you're being a true friend and also protecting this young girl who is in a very vulnerable position.

RepentAtLeisure · 13/08/2016 20:35

Tell them!! You've seen it on social media, you don't have to say it came from your dd.

I know him getting the friend pregnant is wrong but just because he got the girl pregnant doesn't mean he's not 'wonderful' you know. It doesn't make him the Anti Christ.

I expect the OP knows a lot more about the kid than you do, I got the impression that she's referring to behaviour over several years in that comment.

bettyswalls · 13/08/2016 20:48

I'd tell my good friend, definitely. The kids are probably in a cool little bubble right now, reveling in the social media attention. The sooner this little fantasy comes crashing down the better, and the girl will still have a chance to have a termination. As far as I'm concerned it's a safeguarding minors issue.

Mummyme1987 · 13/08/2016 20:50

You could always post on their posts asking if their parents know?

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 13/08/2016 20:58

A tricky one.

I don't know if I would tell, tbh.

If it's all over social media, surely they know?

george1020 · 13/08/2016 20:59

I find it quite concerning how many parents are suggesting not telling the boy's parents !

You are the adult they are minors you really need to say something, if you really can't bring yourself to tell his parents then at least the school should be told.

Can you imagine the fallout if anyone knew that you had known all along and said nothing, I imagine there would, quite rightly, be some very upset parents your name would also most likely be mud with any of the parents friends. (Rightly or wrongly)

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 13/08/2016 21:01

Have I read that correctly.Their parents are bragging about their 14 year old daughter having sex. Please tell me this a nightmare.
Yes sex happens between young people. It'd be nieve to think it didn't, Ive been a teenager myself once albeit 1,000 years ag, mind. Grin, so I know as we all do how it works but
You certainly don't want to encourage it.
Supporting is one thing. Being proud is another.

desperatehousewife2 · 13/08/2016 21:14

TBH I can't even contemplate why you wouldn't tell your friends. What will you say later if they find out from another source and ask if you knew? I think you would be a very poor friend not to say anything.

HyacinthFuckit · 13/08/2016 21:17

If this is all over social media, OP is fairly unlikely to be the only parent who knows, so the odds of anyone specifically identifying and targeting OP for not having said anything seem low. Especially as at least some of the parents friends are likely to be of the opinion that it's better not to get involved.

If you're going to say anything OP I'd take welshrainbow's approach. Though it would be perfectly understandable to keep schtum. You say the girl is clearly pregnant, I assume you mean visibly so? With a first pregnancy, she must be quite far along.

ollieplimsoles · 13/08/2016 21:17

Tell your friend and contact the school, they are minors and its time for an adult to step in.

Goingtobeawesome · 13/08/2016 21:19

ilive - pretty sure you've misunderstood. The parents to be are the ones showing off.

coconutpie · 13/08/2016 21:26

You NEED to tell your friend. Woman up and tell what's happened. I'm gobsmacked that you are considering not to. This is one of those scenarios where you should not mind your own business.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 13/08/2016 21:28

Oh. Well they won't be bragging when they're pacing the floor with a screaming baby at 2am.
They must believe themselves to be the only people ever to have had sex in order to concieveHmm.

HedgehogHedgehog · 13/08/2016 21:35

Yes dont get involved you dont know for sure that this boy is the father and could be creating a whole lot of trouble for innocent people. The truth will come out in the end without you saying anything. You dont need to spread rumours about children. x

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/08/2016 21:36

You are an adult. As an adult, it's important to act like one. That can mean taking control when a situation is going wrong. This messed up situation involves children and is a bomb waiting to explode. Please tell your friend.

Bogeyface · 13/08/2016 21:36

Yes I got the impression that Toms mother thinks he is an angel, the kind of kid who kicks the shit out of other kids but his mother thinks that the teachers are picking on him, but the OP sees him as he really is. The fact that the OP said that Toms mother would defend him to hilt says a lot. I daresay the girl will have seduced him or is lying about him being the father, is a slut or whatever. Hmm

TheWindInThePillows · 13/08/2016 21:37

I wouldn't say anything as your information is third or fourth hand. You don't know the girl, you only know the hearsay it is this Tom that is the father, but who really knows who it is? If it were your own daughter, it would be different, but essentially you would just be passing on gossip which may or may not be true. You are not close enough to the situation to know, I don't think.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 13/08/2016 21:40

Is there any proof of a pregnancy, other than some social media messages? It's not beyond the realms of possibility that the girl has made up a drama that she might be pregnant. It could be a game to them.

If it is true, then her parents will be taking charge of the situation surely? The medical history of the baby's father will be requested if she is keeping the baby. I can't imagine this girl will be able to continue hiding his identity.