Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

AIBU?

14 year old dd's friend is pregnant

163 replies

PurpleTango · 13/08/2016 18:59

My 14 year old dd has told me that her 14 year old friend is pregnant by a 15 year old boy - We'll call him Tom. She showed me FB pics and girl is definitely pregnant. Friend has not told her parents who the father is. Tom is the grandson of a very good friend of mine. I also have a lot to do with his mother. I babysat for her and her brother many moons ago and see them regularly. I saw both mother and grandmother yesterday - I bumped into them in town and we caught up with family chat. Nothing they said gave me the impression they had any idea that the son/grandson is about to become a father. In fact they told me what a wonderful boy Tom is (as they usually do). He is not "wonderful" and never has been. I really don't think they know half of what he gets up to. AIBU to pretend I have no idea of recent events? The girl hasn't disclosed the identity of her baby's father but both are telling their friends who the father is -and bragging about it- This is not going to end well is it?

OP posts:

Report

BagelGoesWalking · 13/08/2016 23:22

"If her friend is sexually active then there is a good chance she is too or will be very soon"

I find this quite insulting. My DD 16 probably knows some people (although not in her close friendship group admittedly) who may be having sex, it certainly doesn't mean she is anywhere near that stage.

Just because they're friends, why do you think the OPs daughter would be having sex too, at the age of 14, Ffs?

PurpleTango · 13/08/2016 23:29

I am not disagreeing with you IhaveWings. Its a very serious scenario involving two minors. Anyway those who have suggested I would post someones FB posts get a grip! It wouldn't enter my head! All I was going to post is the boys mothers never ending memes about how much she will defend her son no matter what he does she will be there for him. But guess what I came on here asking what I should do in very difficult circumstances. Thank you to those who have provided realistic support. I am going to speak to my friend in the morning to let her know what is happening with her grandson. Thank you again to the minority who have read my OP and reacted accordingly xxx

OP posts:

Werkz · 13/08/2016 23:36

I wouldn't say anything.

Tom might not be the father, and you are not a family member.

DeathpunchDoris · 13/08/2016 23:38

None of your business. Stay out of it.

titchy · 13/08/2016 23:39

Good luck.

Makemineacabsauv · 13/08/2016 23:47

Good luck talking to your friend. I think you are doing the best thing. She might not take it very well at the time but will be grateful that you to her in a kind and caring way and for her own sake. Far worse to find out through unkind gossip from others and then realise her friend knew and didn't tell her. You are being a true friend.

Chikara · 13/08/2016 23:49

I think you have made the right decision.

To those saying that if your DD's friend is having sex so to will she be: - stupid. Several of my school friends were sexually active and one got pregnant at 14 - I didn't have any form of sex until I was 18.

At university many of my friends were into heavy drinking and drugs - I wasn't. Do these people do everything their friends do? Or is it only other peoples' kids that act like sheep? The OP clearly has a good relationship with her DD and is trying to handle a difficult situation.

Chikara · 13/08/2016 23:50

"so too" sorry

chattygranny · 14/08/2016 00:02

Although this is difficult, I think you need to be selfish and protect your precious relationship with your DD. She's shared this with you and if you betray her trust she won't feel she can share things again. It'll all come out soon, you can then support your friend the Grandmother.

a8mint · 14/08/2016 05:43

Stay out of it! You don't know tom is the father at all - you are only going by gossip! What if 'tom' is a cover story and she is really being abused by an adult?

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/08/2016 06:09

Neome. What you said was very tactful and non presumptuous. The Message is spot on. I agree, this should be out in the open sooner rather than later.

Op if you continue to ruminate a) to say something or b) to leave it and say nothing, you are effectively choosing b) by default. Going on holiday and saying nothing with a view to perhaps speaking up on return perpetuates this situation as nothing will have changed in 2.5 weeks time.

Then on your return, what will you do if they've found out in the interim in a most vile way and you sat on the information? Or if your friend comes to you telling you in confidence about a disturbing situation? Please be a supportive friend. Neome's note is really good.

abbinobb · 14/08/2016 06:19

Haven't read the full thread so apologies if it's been answered already but does Tom know he''s the babies dad? Are you sure he even is? If he knows then you should tell his parents though, because a 15 year old boy doesn't need to be dealing with all that alone. Imagine if he was your kid and you couldn't support him because you didn't know. Plus him and his parents should be helping out surely.

annandale · 14/08/2016 06:30

I would focus on talking to your DD, finding out what she's thinking about it all.

P1nkP0ppy · 14/08/2016 06:35

I'd check if your dd wants you to divulge this to the grandmother. If she's told you in confidence you'd be breaking her trust.

I also wouldn't be telling anyone about it because it's none of my business and if the GM says anything explain that you didn't want to spread gossip.

mathanxiety · 14/08/2016 07:13

Parents and grandparents all need to know so they can all sit down together to prepare for the future. This is absolutely necessary.

The teens need support, and they both need to understand that this is real - as real as it gets actually - and not a matter for game playing.

The sooner everyone knows, the better therefore.

I think you've made the right decision. Good luck to all concerned.

You have a responsible daughter, OP.

Welshrainbow · 14/08/2016 09:53

If you don't feel comfortable telling your friend outright could you just say something like that you have have heard rumours and you want her to be aware so that she isn't too surprised if someone says something to her, just say you have no idea how true it is but that there is a lot of talk flying round the village.

mumbathing · 14/08/2016 13:46

I understand why you want to stay out of it but at the same time, if it was my son I would want to be told.
Doesn't have to be a "btw I thought you ought to know..." But maybe next time you bump into them offer your congratulations and if they looked shocked just play dumb and "oh I thought you knew."

ComputerUserNotTrained · 14/08/2016 14:31

I have a teenage son. I'd be hurt and embarrassed, although I'd understand your position, if you'd not told me about the rumours.

I think you should speak to Tom's grandma.

GabsAlot · 14/08/2016 14:44

well im on the side of stay out of it

just because this child is saying toms the father doesnt mean it true-why is your place to tell them anything

EBearhug · 14/08/2016 14:55

It's a small village, they'Re talking about it on FB, albeit by private messages.

There's a strong chance that by the time you're back from your holiday, it won't be secret any more anyway.

However, I probably would say to the grandmother that I had heard the rumour via my daughter,and you wanted her to know what's being said, whether or not there's any truth in it. If I weren't close, I'd just leave it.

Hope you have a good holiday.

shrunkenhead · 14/08/2016 15:06

If her family and the school knows that's all there is to it really.
No doubt "Tom"'s parents know.
If I were you I'd just be reminding your dd of the law and contraception. (My dd is only 7 so I'm dreading this part of her "childhood"!)

SirVixofVixHall · 14/08/2016 15:28

I think you are absolutely right to tell your friend. I would certainly tell a good friend something like this, and expect the same from them. I also don't think it is a betrayal of your DD, she is 14, not 21. She almost certainly told you because she is anxious about it and wants to hand it over to an adult. When I was 14 a school friend took an overdose. She called me and made me promise to keep anything she said in confidence, and then told me that she had taken pills. I was traumatised, a very young 14, and unsure whether to tell or keep a promise. I decided to tell another close friend of ours and ask advice (That is how silly and young i was, I didn't go down and tell my parents, I called a friend in a panic, but at least I wasn't so silly that I didn't tell anyone at all). Luckily I sounded so upset on the 'phone that her mother listened in, and drove straight round to the girls house. She needed her stomach pumped and some days in hospital, she could have died if I hadn't told anyone. 14 is very young, still a child, and adults need to deal with this , they can't start doing that if they don't yet know what is going on. This is a serious situation, not to be left to be local gossip for weeks before Tom's family know.

PurpleTango · 15/08/2016 17:37

Thanks for all your posts and advice. Weighing it up I decided I would prefer to be told by a friend if I was in this situation. All sorted now. Mother and grandmother are aware. I'll leave it to them to deal with it. Thank you everyone xx

OP posts:

Cagliostro · 15/08/2016 17:45

That can't have been easy, but I think you've done the right thing.

Anonymouses · 15/08/2016 18:02

Glad they are aware. I would want to know. If the kids have been "seeing" each other for a year or so then as soon as they find out she's pregnant surely it's not difficult to do that math.

You did the right thing I think. All you can do is get your DD to keep out of all the socia
Media stuff and support your friend.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.