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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

14 year old dd's friend is pregnant

163 replies

PurpleTango · 13/08/2016 18:59

My 14 year old dd has told me that her 14 year old friend is pregnant by a 15 year old boy - We'll call him Tom. She showed me FB pics and girl is definitely pregnant. Friend has not told her parents who the father is. Tom is the grandson of a very good friend of mine. I also have a lot to do with his mother. I babysat for her and her brother many moons ago and see them regularly. I saw both mother and grandmother yesterday - I bumped into them in town and we caught up with family chat. Nothing they said gave me the impression they had any idea that the son/grandson is about to become a father. In fact they told me what a wonderful boy Tom is (as they usually do). He is not "wonderful" and never has been. I really don't think they know half of what he gets up to. AIBU to pretend I have no idea of recent events? The girl hasn't disclosed the identity of her baby's father but both are telling their friends who the father is -and bragging about it- This is not going to end well is it?

OP posts:
Sixweekstowait · 13/08/2016 19:42

You're the grown up here - act like one. Set an example to your daughter - they are all children and the grown ups need to demonstrate this is serious - there's a baby on the way ffs. Go and see your friends, tell them what you have been told - be responsible and set an example

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 13/08/2016 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 13/08/2016 19:43

I'd stay out of it but make sure my DD knew about contraception.

5BlueHydrangea · 13/08/2016 19:45

How soon is the baby due? Maybe sit on the info for a week or so and see what happens. If you are good friends with the Mum/Grandma though... If it was me I would find a way to at least bring the conversation round to the subject.. Maybe they do know but aren't in a place yet to share? Can't say I'd be telling many people if it was my dd. Not initially anyway.

MsJamieFraser · 13/08/2016 19:45

Tbf, the parents have a right to know, as does Toms parents, I'd keep out of it, but would send an anonymous message to the family, even if it meant buying a sim and sending a message.

bandito · 13/08/2016 19:45

My DD is 14 and if she told me that her friend was in this situation, I would tell her that I needed to tell her friend's mother what I knew. I would take it out of her hands because we are the adults and I wouldn't want my 14 DD to have the responsibility of trying to persuade her friend to do the right thing. It would keep her up at night. I would also ask her not to comment at all on social media on this topic.

CremeBrulee · 13/08/2016 19:46

Exactly what Bourdic said. The adults need to act like it and support their children to make the best of this sad situation.

amusedbush · 13/08/2016 19:47

Both sets of parents deserve to know. I can't see how it can stay a secret forever.

Whatsername17 · 13/08/2016 19:53

I'd tell the parents of the girl. If you direct them to Facebook they can see for themselves. They need to tell the parents of the boy. Chances are it will come out at school and the head of year will end up informing parents.

FruitCider · 13/08/2016 19:54

I would tell them. Both parties are children and need supporting.

Cagliostro · 13/08/2016 19:56

I think they should be told

MammaTJ · 13/08/2016 19:58

Woman up and tell the parents. You are an adult with knowledge that children are keeping from them.

No good wimping out now. Really. They need you to tell them. All this 'none of your business' nonsense does not keep children safe or get the the help and support they need!

My children are nobodies business but mine but I am grateful when friends step in when they have gone a bit wrong. I realise this is more than a bit wrong, but mine are only 9 and 10 now. The eldest is 21 and what she does is her business!

Emmaroos · 13/08/2016 20:02

YABU. If you would want to know in that situation then tell your friend. Tell her what you have heard and in what context and that neither you nor your daughter will be discussing it elsewhere. Let your friend decide whether or not to tell her daughter or to talk to her grandson. It's not about the pregnant girl, the father or even they baby. They are not your responsibility. It is about your friendship with an old and valued friend.

Bogeyface · 13/08/2016 20:06

I agree that they should be told. These children are clearly not mature enough to be dealing with this situation, given how they are acting, so the adults need to be fully informed so that they can help as best they can.

Mummyme1987 · 13/08/2016 20:08

I would inform the school and let them sort it. Do it anonymously. It's a child protection issue.

Original poster
PurpleTango · 13/08/2016 20:10

I have already advised my dd not to comment on Toms (and his friends) social media posts. I have already taken this opportunity to discuss contraception and the reality of becoming a parent at 14. I am not thick! My dd does not have a boyfriend yet but I thought it was worth mentioning anyway. Toms mother will do her best to defend her son - she will be in total denial. However, his grandmother will not allow him to get away with facing up to his responsibilities. The truth is bound to come out. We live in a very small village - I don't know the girl involved or her parents so no point in recommending I speak to them. They don't live in this village - My dd knows Tom as she has vitually grown up with him. The girl attends her school. My DD is very uncomfortable with the events. I am so pleased she felt able to discuss her concerns with me. My concern is whether I should involve myself with 14/15 year old social media stuff. Although what I am hearing is definatley true.The grandmother is a very good friend of mine. I'm just not sure I should be the one to blow her world apart. I am due to go on holiday in two days. Maybe I should take this time to think about it? Hopefully by the time I return things will be out in the open, my friend will have had time to digest it and maybe we could speak about it then? BTW the pregnancy is around 4 months.

OP posts:
iloveberries · 13/08/2016 20:13

I agree with the poster who said to tell the school.

If you are good friends with the Grandma I would also tell her what my DD has been saying.

Xenophile · 13/08/2016 20:13

The thing here is that time is of the essence. If the parents don't know, then they can't sit down with both the children and discuss options, because at some point in the not too distant future, the number of options narrows horribly.

Original poster
PurpleTango · 13/08/2016 20:13

BTW Lucy's parents are aware that their daughter is pregnant. According to her and his social media posts anyway.

OP posts:
Sixweekstowait · 13/08/2016 20:16

Just reverse the situation - Tom is your ds, your friend knows that people are saying he is the father. You don't want to know? You don't think your friend should tell you?

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 13/08/2016 20:16

Really difficult position you are in.

I guess I would be thinking, if the situation was reversed and it was your son/grandson who had got a 14 year old pregnant and your friend knew, what would you want them to do about it, as your good friend?

Sixweekstowait · 13/08/2016 20:17

Wonder what Tom is up to tonight?

titchy · 13/08/2016 20:18

Ffs this isn't teenage social media drama - it's two children whose lives are likely to be catastrophically changed forever. You absolutely have to let your friend know, even if it's something on the lines of 'I've seen some FB posts of Tom's which I think you should be aware of.'

SarcasmMode · 13/08/2016 20:19

I'd stay out of it to be honest - it's not like you are the girls parents.

I know him getting the friend pregnant is wrong but just because he got the girl pregnant doesn't mean he's not 'wonderful' you know. It doesn't make him the Anti Christ.

titchy · 13/08/2016 20:19

And yes contact school - leave a message saying you have some concerns of a child protection nature and someone will phone you back. You've no guarantee Lucy's parents know.