To be angry DP isn't starting work until September?

[peskyfeelings]

DP was offered a new job over a month ago which he accepted. He immediately handed in his notice with the company he was at. He didn't have a start date for the new job when he did this.

There has been a load of hassle over references. His last company are admittedly utterly rubbish, and the whole thing just turned into a massive, unnecessary drama.

Now he has been told by the new company that they won't be giving him a start date until the beginning of September! This means that he won't have been working or getting a wage for two months!

AIBU to be really upset about it? We had planned to book a cheap, last minute holiday for the second week in September which I was looking forward to massively. That is clearly now not going to happen. It's been an awful year to be frank. I've been off sick with crippling anxiety/ depression, and now back working at a really stressful job. We are ttc and that's causing me massive worry as well. I really just needed a break soon (we haven't been anywhere this year) and now I can't even have that. :(

He just has such an "everything will be fine" attitude about stuff. Actually it's not fine. I'm now even more stressed than I was and going to have to carry the burden of paying the majority of our outgoings until end of September. I should add I'm no high earner either, so it's going to be a struggle.

Grab ure camping stuff and take both of use for a stress free night under the stars no money involved ok hubby was over zealous and jumped the gun but please he works to provide for you .A carer is a hard emotionally exhausted job not one for the faint of heart ( did he have any holidays due from last job?) Can he sign on ?

Hate to say it but havjng a baby will certainly add to your anxiety/ stress levels. What would happen if you got pg now and he didn't get the job? You need to get yourselves back on track IMO.

Also stressing about TTC will make conception very difficult.

It's two months. If you're in a position to afford expensive holidays then you're in a position to have 2 months savings.

one!

It is if u suffer from mh issues ! I adopted z child and they wouldn't have considered us if we had had mental health issues I suffered from depression for a short time after my mother died had to account and shoe in big way I had moved on

You can't do much about it now apart from muddle on. The holiday doesn't matter. We don't holiday due to too many animals. We went for a 2 day break with a relative last year and it was the first time my 7 year old had been away. I'd kill for a holiday but it's not the end of the world. Make the most of him being home. Get him doing jobs. My OH works 7 days a week and all daylight hours (after dark in the summer sometimes) so we rarely see him. So I'd definitely say make the most and muddle on.

I hadn't read all the pages through when I wrote my bit....internet is SO slow. I've read some more now. I still think you can't do much about his job. Just accept it. Horses in London...I know that will be expensive, even grass livery.

It's annoying, yes, but it's not really the end of the world, is it? So things are a bit tight and you don't get to go away this year. Fine. 'Staycation' (oh how I hate that word), get jobs done around the house (or not), and accept that things aren't always ideal.

I have beento Crete in late October twice and weather was lovely OP

I think You are, because you and your husband are together. he would have to hold if you lost your job or if anything went wrong, the same way we have to be with them if anything goes wrong. He was silly for handing his notice too soon but that's life and you have to be on his side now, if he is a good partner as you mentioned before then he doesn't deserve you stressing him out and yourself. and a holiday sounds amazing but sometimes we just can't have one, wait him to start and go on holiday other time, I would love to go on holiday after having my baby, but it's just not working so I am waiting, that's life
I do hope he gets this job and everything is ok in the end. Good luck

My DH has done some stupid things that have caused financial problems in the past. Whereas the job/references, it's annoying but not too bad in the scheme of things.
I am another one thinking be careful about still volunteering while off paid work though. I don't know anything about SSP but know my employer would think it a disciplinary offence if someone was off work sick long term but still carrying out similar duties elsewhere.
Not sure what the rules around maternity pay/leave and volunteering are though so worth looking into it.

Hi OP, I wish you luck with getting pg if that is what you want. Can I ask, what will happen with the horses if you do have a baby?

Blimey. Poor old OP posts with, yes, a stress-fueled overreaction to her DP's delayed start date, and proceeds to get her relationship, life and future plans picked to shreds!

23's young but it's not that bloody young, he's not a teenager. I got pregnant with my first at 25, did I not know my own mind? Did my older husband pressure me into it? Or do we only think that happens with footloose young men and the baby-hungry older women who apparently entrap them? I had MH issues too! Still do! And I left my job and we couldn't afford to rent in our town any more, so we moved far away and it was difficult at times and I was homesick as hell. But we're all still here and what's more we're happy. Everything turned out bloody great.

Best of luck OP. Try to take deep breaths about the DP work situation. And ignore those AIBUers who get a belt out of this sort of thing.

I think it's a little unfair to be so angry. He made a mistake like everyone does. I'm sure he knows it was a stupid thing to do but he must have needed to get out of there. He's obviously trying to move on with his casual behaviour. It wouldn't help matters if he was running around shouting and pulling his hair out. There's is nothing he can do about it now other than, like others have said, to get some temp work.

Also don't stop ttc as it won't probably won't happen while you're so stressed but going through the motions help both you relationship and your chances in the future. I was incredibly lucky to be able to leave a crazy super stressful job for a simple part time check out job (my dh encouraged it as he got promoted and so I could spend time with my dd I never got when she was born) and without the stress I fell pregnant within 2 months after 2 years if ttc. It will happen when it happens and then you got 9 months to get your shit together.

Also forget about the holiday. If you had savings then you wouldn't be in such financial mess. A holiday should be the least of your worries. Go and stay with friends or family who live away from you for a week that's enough of a holiday with everything going on. Get your selves on track first and then start filtering in the luxurys.

Good luck
X

There was a poster with similar circumstances to you a while ago who's partner had an affair/emotional affair with (I think) a colleague. I hope it wasn't you OP to add to your worries.

I hope your partner saves like crazy once he starts work again to pay you back.

I've done agency work and I've always had work straight away to cover sick leave and holiday leave etc...

I'm not saying it's easy, but if you can save the equivalent of 3 months salary to cover for emergencies, it will make you feel less anxious. I have done this and it has felt like a weight off my shoulders.

Carry on with ttc. Having a child isn't necessarily a more stressful 'job'. I used to work ft in a stressful environment. Now I have 2 DC and work from home and actually feel less stressed.

Good luck.

I've not read the full thread but a decent chunk of it so apologies if I'm repeating what others may have said.

What about spending a little bit of your tax rebate on a short break in the uk. A change is as good as a rest and needn't cost a fortune. Pretty sure your anxieties will affect him too so would do you both good to get away, that way you get your break and also a decent chunk to stick in savings :-) could do you both good in the ttc stakes too.
I'm not sure why people are dissing you for ttc, there's plenty of help out there for women with depression, and should anything go wrong between you and your partner (not that I'm suggesting it will - just reacting to what others have said) then there are plenty of single parents out there too doing a decent job.
You sound like a sensible person and one who has back up plans should you no longer be able to keep the voluntary job.
I wish you all the luck in the world, and if you do have to move back up north it's not so bad up here is it (at least it's less expensive to live here 😀) Xx

"He made a mistake like everyone does. I'm sure he knows it was a stupid thing to do"

I've asked a few times now, but nobody has explained to me what he's done wrong. Can anyone reply?
As I said, in the past I've always given my notice in before signing the contract with the new job and don't see how it could be done in any other way since you need your leaving date and start date and the new employer can't ask your old employer for references before you've told them you're leaving.

OP, why are do you want to have children? Ie, what does it mean to you? You keep saying 'deserve children', do you consider them a prize? A symbol of a worthwhile life? A dream you are protecting? The answer is for you, not for me.

Your anger is not for your partner, but for all the life difficulties you have. You have a passion for horses, you want to have a full family, you have a heart to help vulnerable people - but why do you want all that in London? A place to live in London costs you working 6 days a week for 12 hours, a health breakdown when you still have to work to have a roof over your head and not affording a tin of paint to redo a room?

And now you keep pressuring yourself into ttc now at all costs or it's the end of the world.. This thought alone puts a time pressure on all other aspects of your life.

Start with finding a working treatment for A&D, as one cannot thing clearly with anxiety and depression. Then think of a way to redesign your life to make it easier and more sustainable. It doesn't have to take too long, there still is time and you'll be in a much better place. And listen to your heart too.

You say you can't afford a tin of paint, and yet you have HORSES?? Horses cost a fortune in terms of feeding, vets bills and shoeing costs. I would love one, but there's no way I'm rich enough to even consider it. If you genuinely are skint, some people advertise for someone to have a part-share in their horses - that person gets to ride, and makes a contribution to the upkeep of the horses - I've seen it on Gumtree. Or could you just have one - is there a need for you to have more than one horse? I just don't see how anyone can have horses and say that they are hard up.

Gwenhwyfar

Normaly you would be given or atleast you would ask when the start date for the new position would be. So you can give your notice at an appropriate time so your not left out of work for 2 months without wages. Obviously it is all depending on how long checks and references take to come in but they always have a rough time line as to when they'd like someone to start.

OP - as and when you are pregnant you will likely be able to access specialist mental health trained midwives and get priority for other services. Whilst ttc there's no point in changing medication that works for you.

In terms of continuing with voluntary work whilst off work sick from your main job this is probably fine. Your fit note will say what you can and can't do and that might well mean that even if you had two paying jobs they could be substantially different so the factors making you unfit for one don't apply to the other.

I agree that you're being a bit hard on your partner but you're clearly under pressure from a number of directions and that's a tough place to be.

Mummy - thanks for replying. It's just that in the past it's not just about when your new employer wants you to start, but more about when my old employer could release me, so the start date at the new job depended on the old employer.
I don't get this 2 months thing though - there's only 2 WEEKS till September, though I realise the money won't come in until the end of the month.

OP??

I can't see your profile, so I presume you've left? Please get proper help.

You, Your DP and and future DC deserve it, you said you only spent money on fertility reflexology for youself. This is good if it's helping but you need to seriously consider the cost of the horses and what you could do privately for your MH with that money!

I know you shouldn't have to but you need to address this stat, you've come across very erratic in this post, and from what had be alluded to and agreed to by yourself about previous posts, you are on a roller coaster, please go private so you are actually getting the targeted help you need.