To be angry DP isn't starting work until September?

[peskyfeelings]

DP was offered a new job over a month ago which he accepted. He immediately handed in his notice with the company he was at. He didn't have a start date for the new job when he did this.

There has been a load of hassle over references. His last company are admittedly utterly rubbish, and the whole thing just turned into a massive, unnecessary drama.

Now he has been told by the new company that they won't be giving him a start date until the beginning of September! This means that he won't have been working or getting a wage for two months!

AIBU to be really upset about it? We had planned to book a cheap, last minute holiday for the second week in September which I was looking forward to massively. That is clearly now not going to happen. It's been an awful year to be frank. I've been off sick with crippling anxiety/ depression, and now back working at a really stressful job. We are ttc and that's causing me massive worry as well. I really just needed a break soon (we haven't been anywhere this year) and now I can't even have that. :(

He just has such an "everything will be fine" attitude about stuff. Actually it's not fine. I'm now even more stressed than I was and going to have to carry the burden of paying the majority of our outgoings until end of September. I should add I'm no high earner either, so it's going to be a struggle.

If you have a baby will you be able to carry on with the very stressful job that you do voluntarily and if not who will pay a London rent?

Benedickte I've been temping etc, and it just made me more stressed. I didn't think I was ovulating, then my period was delayed for more than a fortnight. I'm getting referred for tests if I'm not pg by end of September (which I doubt I will be)

Babyroobs Accommodation isn't that secure unfortunately. We will have to move back North (where I'm from) if it falls through. There's no way we could afford a London rent. It wouldn't be the end of the world though. My family/friends are there and we could actually have a garden! :)

The voluntary job is only really stressful if I'm working my paid job too. They've said they would give me time off for maternity leave anyway, so I'm not too worried about that.

I'm planning to chuck as much into savings from now on anyway, including this tax rebate. I'm well aware money will be tight. Fortunately we are pretty good at living frugally.

I have to ttc now. I'm pretty much in the last chance saloon as it is. I fear it's already too late some days. :(

I might just retreat into the bedroom with my cat and dog Perspicacia ;)

What kind of job would allow someone to start in August and then book annual leave in September? Also, I think you should delay ttc until you are in better mental health.

I would plan a break for yourself as your DP may not get leave so soon after starting a new job. My company usually doesn't allow holidays in the first 3 months unless booked before you applied for the job.

Go riding, a yoga retreat, a WI course at Denman college etc.

I would be massively pissed off if I were you, but it's done now and I think you have to put it behind you and move on.

He definitely needs to step up with cooking, decorating, housework etc while he is waiting for his job to start, and do his utmost to get some agency work.

The problem is though that you seem to be stretched to the limit the whole time; financially, emotionally and physically with your two jobs and your hapless DP. Would now be a moment to take a breath and think about - possibly - moving back to the north? I do wonder how you are going to manage with all this and a baby. Good luck anyway.

Sounds lovely

It sounds like you have so much going on and that your DP's job situation is simply the thing which has pushed you "beyond". Be kind to yourself. Try to be kind to your DP (unless he is being deliberately arse-like) and remember the MN mantra - this too shall pass.

He'd already said he wanted the time off when offered the job. He thought he would have started it by now.

I will repeat...I CAN'T DELAY TTC. I AM ALREADY 37 YEARS OLD. Honestly, I get why people are advising it, but it just isn't an option. I am proving far from fertile anyway, so it could take forever as it is (if it ever happens :(

I understand the pressure to TTC but you clearly aren't mentally well at the moment and you are having issues in your relationship. I do think you need to tackle your counsellor though and let her know you need to work on building yourself up. I wish you luck.

pesky

Really sorry you are so anxious. It sounds like everything is really on top of you at the moment.
I think people are suggesting a break from ttc because you sound like you have almost reached breaking point already. Having a baby is so stressful, it's the hardest thing I've ever been through. People are just concerned that it already sounds like you have a lot on your plate, throwing a baby into the mix will be hard.
Your dh has done a stupid thing but it's far from a disaster.

If you could have a much less stressful life 'Up North', would it make more sense to do that? It's not as if you're accumulating capital in London and if you're stressing about finances, ttc and housing it doesn't sound good for you.

Thank you Doggity I'm honestly not sure how to tackle my counsellor. She just doesn't make me feel anymore positive about things. She's good at pointing out that I don't feel heard/important etc, but doesn't really give me the tools to change those beliefs.

It's low cost counselling, so perhaps she just can't be arsed to put the effort in? Or maybe I'm blocking her? I'm really not sure.

Would you be trying to conceive with this man if you didn't think you were already in last chance saloon?

It's clear that you want a baby and feel time is running out; which is completely your decision. I'd make plans that don't involve him, though, this relationship sounds on its last legs even before a baby is involved and I can't see it surviving. Can you move north now? Use the tax money to go home, and give up the voluntary work?

You sound very stressed and anxious and continuing this situation seems doomed. You'll break.

AND I REALLY DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD EVEN CONSIDER HAVING A CHILD WHEN YOU ARE SO STRESSED OK? Do you honestly think being in a panic over your age (and everything else) is a good enough reason to have a child? Are you quite sure you are not just box ticking? Your relationship sounds poor and that's not a great place to startwith ttc.

Yes I would Anchor I know it probably isn't coming across in my posts, but I love him very much. He makes me very happy in general and is very loving, kind and considerate usually. He has just really messed up with this one. The relationship definitely isn't on it's last legs. If it wasn't for our lack of money we would be really happy. It's the only real issue we have. I honestly couldn't imagine my life without him. I'm just pissed off right now and it's coming across on this thread unfortunately.

My anxiety stems from all the work I have to do to keep all the plates spinning in the air.

We could use the tax money to go North. DP would do whatever I wanted to do to be happy. We'd need jobs when we got there though. The money would only really cover a deposit and two months rent at the most. There would be A LOT of planning involved. Plus I love London. I really don't want to leave to be honest.

So much to think about. I just really want my life to be on a more even keel. I feel like we are getting there, and then something knocks us back.

I'm not just box ticking. I've wanted a baby for years, but I've only ever been in shitty relationships with shitty people before this one.

I probably am trying to achieve my "happily ever after" but is that so wrong? I was so unhappy before I met DP. I just want us to have a bit of security so I don't have to stress all the time.

It's not all about you OP.

If you have a child with him, then split (very likely) then he could stop the move via the courts as he wouldn't be able to see his child.

There's also the child. The deserve the best start in life with two loving parents, not a broken relationship, no money, an ill mother and a house that vanishes if volunteering stops.

We don't have a broken relationship Dragons I'm just angry in this instance because of what has happened with the job.

He would never take me to court, or do anything cruel. He hasn't a cruel or mean bone in his body. He's the sweetest man I've ever met.

A small suggestion that might help a bit. I am the main earner in a stressful job and tend to be the family organiser as well (2 school age DC). I sometimes struggle to get to sleep as my brain is whirring. I have downloaded some relaxation apps and listen to them at bedtime, I rarely hear the end as I am already asleep.

I'm stressed because it just feels like a one step forward, two steps back situation when it comes to money and forging our future. I'm trying really hard to make things work. I couldn't try any harder I don't think.

The pair of you don't pay rent, how on earth are you so skint?

Because neither of us are high earners and I've been on SSP all year. I've just gone back to work. Plus I was getting taxed on SSP due to HMRC cock up which I've just gotten sorted.

OP, I don't think you have to be in the perfect place to have a child (I wasn't) and I also don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with your relationship, at least not fatally. Your partner sounds like a nice guy, he's working, but a tad flaky at times.

You sound totally over stressed and like you are still depressed and anxious and I think you need to review your current strategy. If you are not taking any medication for this, then you may want to revisit this with a knowledgeable person, as some ADs can be taken in pregnancy, although some more ignorant drs/midwives may not know this. I think your anxiety is spiralling as a result of not treating your anxiety/depression, the talking cure isn't working but you don't want to take meds because you want to conceive, is that right?

I think stabilising your own mood would go a long way to solving the situation. Yes, your partner has done something quite annoying, but I am not sure how much choice he had to stay on at his old place, given he had to start somewhere else (would they have let him stay?) And, the new job is only two weeks away, so I'm not sure where the two months without money comes from, there was always going to be a month's gap as you don't usually get paid as soon as you start a new job and few start/stop on one exact day. As others have said, he's also taking the second week of his new job off, hardly ideal and the holiday may have had to been cancelled anyway if his new employer wasn't happy with this.

Your annoyance about this, and your fixation on the holiday as your 'solution' to your stress suggest your anxiety/depression needs fixing, as in the scheme of things it's irritating but not something to make into a catastrophe.

I don't mean this in a mean way, but I think why people are saying delay is that pregnancy can make these hormones send your mood all over the place, and you already sound overwhelmed and like you are not coping that well, and these can all be exacerbated by anxiety/depression- so look again at stabilizing this if you can.

Yes I was just about to ask why you're coming off ADs. Of course there are some you can't take but you can take the majority of SSRI's in pregnancy. I think you need to go back to the GP and carrying on with medication. What AD are you currently coming off?