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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry DP isn't starting work until September?

174 replies

peskyfeelings · 13/08/2016 09:18

DP was offered a new job over a month ago which he accepted. He immediately handed in his notice with the company he was at. He didn't have a start date for the new job when he did this.

There has been a load of hassle over references. His last company are admittedly utterly rubbish, and the whole thing just turned into a massive, unnecessary drama.

Now he has been told by the new company that they won't be giving him a start date until the beginning of September! This means that he won't have been working or getting a wage for two months!

AIBU to be really upset about it? We had planned to book a cheap, last minute holiday for the second week in September which I was looking forward to massively. That is clearly now not going to happen. It's been an awful year to be frank. I've been off sick with crippling anxiety/ depression, and now back working at a really stressful job. We are ttc and that's causing me massive worry as well. I really just needed a break soon (we haven't been anywhere this year) and now I can't even have that. :(

He just has such an "everything will be fine" attitude about stuff. Actually it's not fine. I'm now even more stressed than I was and going to have to carry the burden of paying the majority of our outgoings until end of September. I should add I'm no high earner either, so it's going to be a struggle.

OP posts:
Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 13/08/2016 10:13

pesky I know how you feel, a similar thing has just happened to us.
Dh left his job in May when offered another at a start up. He hated his job so left before receiving his new contract, even though I asked him not to. The start up folded before he joined, so he was unemployed.

I am a sahm, but I claimed PPI and had just remortgaged to afford home improvements. I put everything on hold and stretched our money as far as it would go, so we could afford to live until October.

Dh has now secured a new job and starts in September, but now he has started spending more freely so we will have no money for new windows, and will have to pay a fortune in heating bills and save up to get them replaced next year.

Dh has had a similar attitude to your DP, but has sometimes confessed he feels bad for getting us in this situation. I said I would go out to work, but I have an auto-immune condition and am very unwell so dh said he would prefer it if I didn't.

He is happy he has a job but I feel resentful. We went camping in June as it was already booked, and he was snappy with the kids and tight with money (except when he dragged us to an expensive restaurant so he could watch football, where he refused to get dessert for the kids as he'd promised and upset them!)

I think it will take a while for the resentment to go away- I had lots of plans for our home which we won't be able to do now, and the stress of not knowing we had an income was huge. But dh is doing a lot round the house, he has painted outside and in, is doing the garden. He hardly used to do any housework but is now doing his fair share, and he is great with the kids and has had more time with them.

I would ask your dh to do all the things round the house you don't have any time to do, decorate and organise things, maybe even batch cooking and freezing meals for when you are both back at work. I would also task him with finding a cheap sunny break in January or February, and getting time off once at work if he can. Hopefully if you are TTC a holiday and the end of your stress will see you come home with extra baggage ;-)

Liiinoo · 13/08/2016 10:17

You are not wrong to be annoyed with him, it was silly but we all do silly things sometimes. You are suffering from anxiety and depression which might be making this situation worse then it is.

You have somewhere to live and enough money coming in for food. He can do some agency work and this time next month it will all be over.

You do sound incredibly stressed and anxious - when you eventually get some money you might get more benefit from counselling than a sunshine break - which carries with it all the stress of travelling/airports.

Original poster
peskyfeelings · 13/08/2016 10:19

I'm so sorry for all your stress Coffee It sounds like it's been really tough. The windows thing must have nearly driven you over the edge!

I hope things get a little less stressful soon. We shouldn't have to put up with all this shit.

Extra baggage would be nice. Here's hoping. :)

OP posts:
Original poster
peskyfeelings · 13/08/2016 10:21

I'm already in counselling Liiinoo I've been going for months. It really isn't helping though. We just go over the same old ground and I don't feel like she's really helping me build resilience. I need to address it with her, but I'm scared. It's silly really. I have counselling qualifications myself, so I know how it should work.

It doesn't help that GP is weaning me off my ADs too due to ttc.

OP posts:
Penfold007 · 13/08/2016 10:23

He made a mistake handing his notice in but he does have a job starting in September and he could do some agency work as well as use this waiting time as an opportunity to do more at home and take some pressure off you.
Your angry at him for being out of work for two months which is understandable but remember he has supported you through being long term sick.

Original poster
peskyfeelings · 13/08/2016 10:26

I was sick from my paid job Penfold but still doing a fuckton for my voluntary job when I wasn't really in a fit state for it. I had too though. Our flat comes rent free with that job and we would have lost it otherwise.

I wasn't sitting around eating grapes for seven months believe me. I don't mean that to sound harsh, but I think it's only fair that people appreciate the real situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
peskyfeelings · 13/08/2016 10:27

I mainly went sick because of the stress of working two jobs. I was working six days a week and often out of the house for twelve hours at a time.

OP posts:
DeathStare · 13/08/2016 10:28

I'm actually expecting a decent tax rebate in the next few weeks. Theoretically I could use that money. Although I had really wanted to put it into savings like a sensible grown up

Spend it on some time away. Investing in your own mental wellbeing is even more sensible than sticking it in the bank.

UnderslungBowlingBall · 13/08/2016 10:30

I might be missing the point but I have no actual advice so I'm going to say that September is only 2 weeks away, you've made it this far so keep going girl, you can make it.

Original poster
peskyfeelings · 13/08/2016 10:31

Maybye Deathstare. I don't want to fund DP going away though, not under these circumstances. That would not be good for my mental well being.

I don't know if I would really want to go away on my own. Although I've always fancied a riding holiday...

OP posts:
ExtraHotLatteToGo · 13/08/2016 10:38

For me, his attitude would determine how I felt.

Does he accept that handing his notice in was a stupid thing to do before the details & contract of the new job were finalised?

What was his attitude like when you were off (one job, still working the other)?

DeathStare · 13/08/2016 10:40

I don't know if I would really want to go away on my own. Although I've always fancied a riding holiday...

Go. Do it.

Gwenhwyfar · 13/08/2016 10:50

"He was incredibly irresponsible to hand in his notice until everything was sorted with his new job. Does he accept that?"

Is that true though? The delay in the new job was because of references and he would only usually ask for a reference from the old job once he's told them he's leaving so I don't see how else he could have done it.

When I've changed jobs I gave my notice in first so that I could negotiate the exact leaving date before the new job could put the starting date in my contract. This was in another country though. I'm a bit surprised to hear you're supposed to sign the contract for your new job before you give in your notice for the old job - that would mean you were contracted in two places for a bit wouldn't it?

Penfold007 · 13/08/2016 10:50

Have you posted about your massive workload and him not working before?

PerspicaciaTick · 13/08/2016 10:52

OP, I can tell you are worried and stressed, especially about the financial responsibility of depending on your wage. What you need to focus on, to protect your own health and to maximise your TTC chances, is reducing your own stress levels.

So a holiday away doesn't appear to be doable. However, if you get paid AL, you could still take time away from work. Pack picnics and spend the day at the seaside or a country park. Tell DP that his holiday gift to you is that he will do all the catering and any unavoidable housework (but try not to do more - focus on the fun stuff) for the week you are off, you get to have lie ins and cups of tea brought to you and whatever you want. Go to your library and get out some good, lightweight books and maybe some DVDs so you can have a couple of film nights in with popcorn...or whatever floats your boat. Treat your week at home like your holiday and try to do something different to your usual routine.
Try not to see it as second best, but as a welcome chance to recharge your batteries.
By the time you are back at work, DP will be on the verge of starting his new job and hopefully you can put this dodgy summer behind you.

MrsDeVere · 13/08/2016 10:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
peskyfeelings · 13/08/2016 11:01

I've posted in the past Penfold but things had massively improved by then. He started working, really pulled his finger out and things were going really well between us. This has sent me into a tailspin again though. I know he didn't do it deliberately. I'm just feeling really upset about it.

PerspicaciaTick They are all really good suggestions, and I will try my best to implement them. I really struggle to relax though. I always feel like I should be doing and improving. That's mainly why I want to go away so I am forced to relax.

I've been going for fertility reflexology, and my therapists says I have one of the most racing minds she's ever encountered! Not good.

OP posts:
coolaschmoola · 13/08/2016 11:03

Rhodes is fine in October. We went at the end of the month last year and it was lovely.

Babyroobs · 13/08/2016 11:05

I hear what you are saying about being 37 and needing to ttc soon, but how secure is your accomodation with the voluntary job? Are you planning to stay there long term if you have a dc or will your dh's new job help pay a London rent.

DragonsEggsAreAllMine · 13/08/2016 11:06

I don't want to fund DP going away

That sentence says it all. So he was ok to work and support you whilst you had seven months off, is fine for his sperm yet due to a delay of a month on his new job he's not worth paying for to join his partner on a break.

Without all that, it's very clear financially that you can't afford a child. If you have to work two jobs and him one just to scrape enough together for paint then how will you afford a child, maternity and childcare costs? That's without sleepless nights adding to your stress.

There's nothing in your post other than hate for him. Not an ideal partnership.

Benedikte2 · 13/08/2016 11:16

Pesky have a few days away with a friend or by yourself. Maybe that riding holiday. Something you would be unlikely to do with DH anyway.
He hasn't acted very responsibly but it seems that you love him despite his too laid back attitude to life.
A few days a part may be good for your relationship, too.
BTW have you heard of natural family planning? (Stretchy mucous etc) if you use that together with temperature reading it's extremely effective not only for conception but also to sway the odds towards the baby's gender. I was TTC at your age and was successful every time within 2 to 3 months.
Good luck.

RandomMess · 13/08/2016 11:18

He sounds a bit of a manchild tbh

Is this the rest of your life, you having to nag and row to get him to pull his weight??

misscarlar · 13/08/2016 11:18

Not read all the above but my oh had this due to his new job delaying his start date and was able to claim job seekers to cover the gap

Original poster
peskyfeelings · 13/08/2016 11:20

Actually Dragons If you had bothered to rtft you would discover that there have been large periods of time where I have funded EVERYTHING whilst DP has been out of work.

Also, I was off seven months from my paid job. I have a very busy voluntary job which comes with a rent free flat. I had to continue with that job even though I was suffering severe anxiety/depression, or we would have lost the flat.

I've also helped DP extensively with job searching, CV writing etc. Hardly the acts of a hateful partner.

I love my partner very much, but you're correct, under the circumstances I don't feel like using my tax rebate money to pay for a holiday for him. If that makes me a terrible person then guilty as charged.

I was actually going to put it all into savings and a joint account for both of us. It is money for both our futures. I didn't intend to spend a penny of it on just myself.

OP posts:
PerspicaciaTick · 13/08/2016 11:22

Could you find some sort of retreat to go on for a few days?