To be angry DP isn't starting work until September?

[peskyfeelings]

DP was offered a new job over a month ago which he accepted. He immediately handed in his notice with the company he was at. He didn't have a start date for the new job when he did this.

There has been a load of hassle over references. His last company are admittedly utterly rubbish, and the whole thing just turned into a massive, unnecessary drama.

Now he has been told by the new company that they won't be giving him a start date until the beginning of September! This means that he won't have been working or getting a wage for two months!

AIBU to be really upset about it? We had planned to book a cheap, last minute holiday for the second week in September which I was looking forward to massively. That is clearly now not going to happen. It's been an awful year to be frank. I've been off sick with crippling anxiety/ depression, and now back working at a really stressful job. We are ttc and that's causing me massive worry as well. I really just needed a break soon (we haven't been anywhere this year) and now I can't even have that. :(

He just has such an "everything will be fine" attitude about stuff. Actually it's not fine. I'm now even more stressed than I was and going to have to carry the burden of paying the majority of our outgoings until end of September. I should add I'm no high earner either, so it's going to be a struggle.

I think yabu. He made a mistake at the age of 23, which cost a month's wages, I presume he's learnt from it. If he keeps making such mistakes then I'd think he wbu. Agency work is easily got but it needs references and having struggled to get one lot he may well have not got another lot in time for immediate replacement work. At his age he may not feel the urgency as you do and you might need to accept that rather than fight it. To me you sound a bit like a parent in the way you talk about him, writing CVs, deciding when and on what you spend money on him for.

You also don't sound like you have yet found a way to manage your condition and that is probably why people are saying delay ttc. Not to never have a child. I am also wondering why you insist on staying in a job that triggers your condition according to you. I have a bad back problem and I have had to limit my job choices to ones that do not exacerbate it and have had to rely on adjustments to be able to lift up babies, children etc.. You need to approach a mental ill health condition with the same practicality in my opinion - what job is realistic for you, what meds are safe and work, what talking therapy approach works for your condition.

Sorry I've not RTWT but is there any chance that your DP hasn't taken his full annual leave/ holiday allowance this year? If so, he could be paid that as a lump sum when he finishes current job?

ilovesooty I managed (just) to cover my voluntary role during sick leave because it's self directed and I was left to get on with it. My paid job became totally overwhelming though and I had to take some time off. Keeping the voluntary role going was a real fight as well, but I managed it.

WhenSheWasBad No need to apologise. I'm just feeling really down today and quite snappy.

TheABC That's good advice. Thank you. There is a lot to think about. I can't take any time off this month though. There's already staff on holiday. My AL is booked for next month when my DP starts work. Argh!

TheOnlyLivingBoy Yes it's me with the horses. You're right, they are a massive expense. Although not as much as rent of course. They are also another factor in me considering moving home. It would be much cheaper to keep them up there.

Changeasoodasis You are totally right about the job. I am applying for other things at the minute, so I'm hopeful something will come up soon. I probably do sound a bit like a parent. That's the age gap coming out I think. I do try and rein it in!

LittleMoonbuggy It's a good idea, but his last employers were utterly dodgy, so tried to claim he had no AL left even though he did. They'd never even given him a contact to sign, despite him asking repeatedly and him working there six months. I despair of the treatment he's received. It makes me so angry on his behalf. Now these new employers are messing him around as well. It's so unfair.

Hopefully he can start soon though, and all will be well. :)

Sorry I meant I don't understand why your paid job allowed you to claim sick pay yet be active in a voluntary role.

Are you the poster that didn't want to go to the stables with a black eye their 'D'P had given them? Presumably this is the same person, if so, if you've been together three years?

I believe you were breaking the rules by claiming sick pay from one job while working at another. I was told it constitutes fraud when I was in a similar situation. I think the rules are different for maternity leave, but I'm not 100% sure.

As for TTC, I think you've got to plan for the worst and hope for the best. Some women find that their mental state improves during pregnancy. But don't underestimate the impact sleep deprivation upon your mental health. I think it's the number 1 danger. And it often starts long before they're born--the little buggers can keep you up all night with their acrobatics etc.

God no. I'm definitely not that poster. My DP wouldn't hurt a fly!

If I committed fraud then nobody told me! I had to keep working at my voluntary role. I might have lost the flat otherwise.

It would certainly be a disciplinary offence where I work.

Well nobody mentioned it ilovesooty, so I'm certainly not going to draw attention to it.

It's really not the point of this thread anyway...

Maybe it isn't the point but I still think you're extremely fortunate to have got away with it and still actually be in employment.

I'm sure you didn't knowingly do anything wrong, but just a heads-up. I only know because of my own experience.

Is your job actually a voluntary role? I would have thought that getting free accommodation is still a form of payment. I'm no expert on any of this at all--just wondering.

I understand your desire to TTC given your age. I think there's something to be said for being in a 'good place' mentally, financially and otherwise. But you can never be sure what's around the corner and being in a strong relationship is the most important thing, I think.

And based on other threads I've seen, I don't think there would be as many people telling you to wait if you'd not mentioned your depression.

Yeah especially because the 'volunteer' job comes with accommodation which would otherwise be very expensive, so you are essentially being paid to do that job. So you definitely committed fraud by received SSP from the other job.

I am shocked that someone can consider themselves hard up and yet keep horses, particularly living in London. If I could afford to keep a horse I would consider myself well off.

OP, I brought it up so that you know for the future and don't unknowingly cause problems for yourself. Not as a stick to beat you with.

I do appreciate the heads up whatishistory It genuinely hadn't crossed my mind. Nobody at my paid job even asked about voluntary role at my sickness interviews, and they know about it. It's definitely no secret.

I'm classed as a volunteer, so I've always assumed that's what the role is. I certainly don't have a contract or anything, and there's no obligation either side.

Don't be too shocked Liiinoo I certainly wouldn't have the horses if it wasn't for my rent free flat. I don't pay that much for them as they are at grass livery. They are my biggest expense though for certain. I am definitely not well off. Nearly all my spare cash goes on them. I haven't bought new clothes in nearly a year and I live in the pound shop.

Sorry, I don't understand why the bills are stressing you out so much if you live rent-free? You mean your council tax and electricity etc (for the sake of two weeks) for you both are inducing this much stress and resentment?

This reaction really doesn't sound proportionate.

I also had to check my contract carefully when forced to take time off sick and it stated in my contract at the time that it was gross misconduct to claim sick leave from work while continuing in another job, be it paid or voluntary - I presume that's quite common. Maybe realising that you didn't know that is a common employment practice will help you cut some slack to your DP for not knowing about delaying giving in notice until references have passed :-)

Meanwhile, I think it sounds like a good idea to bring up in your next counselling session that you feel stuck and wonder if it is about the therapeutic relationship or something else such as whatever approach of therapy you are in not being the best one for your condition.

It's not really to do with your contract - if you are claiming SSP while able to work (would depend on both job and voluntary work as well as nature of illness) it IS fraud and HMRC are quite hot on it

"DP for not knowing about delaying giving in notice until references have passed :-) "

Again, I don't understand this. Surely you need to give your notice in to get a reference, except for those jobs where a reference is given just to go interview, so once your current employer is asked for a reference they know you're leaving. Can someone clarify the exact right way to do this because I'm quite confused.

So you're pissed off that he's losing a month's pay for a bit of a mess up, but not really his fault because of the references...

But you're keeping horses?

Is this a wind up?

Maybe there is more to the story with the last job. Maybe he just couldn't take working there anymore. Or made there was an issue which made him leave. Can't imagine the worry you have right now and I feel for you so much that you seem to be going through it alone which is very unfair. Maybe you could have a long weekend away by yourself or with a gf for a spa break or something just to recharge the batteries with out DP.

Wishing you the best x

At the risk of causing a lot of annoyance, can I just say 'It is as it is', and getting furious with your DP will only add to the sum total of woe; he can't be happy with this situation and no doubt wishes it was very different. Good luck, try to keep calm and put your rage behind you as it is exhausting, and horribly destructive .

Pesky, I'm sorry you feel attacked and got at. I completely understand the pressure you're under and why you feel you can't afford to wait. At 37 you do need to get on with conceiving, that's true.

But I think the tangent the thread has taken has revealed something significant. There is a big age gap between you and your DP and that will affect your attitude to a lot of things.

WalterMitty made a good point when she said:
^"In your early 20s having six weeks between jobs isn't a terrible thing. You hang about a bit. See your friends. Watch Netflix, whatever. NOT all young people of course. But at that age it's acceptable.

When you're nearly 40 and desperate for a baby because your time is running out its a different story. You have to pay rent. You need finance security. You need money for a million things. You need baby furniture, prams, a car that fits everything, car seats, clothes, nappies etc etc.

You're anxious that he fucked up when you have all this stuff going on. But usually that stuff doesn't go on when you're young."^

I would expect a mature adult to have made plans to avoid an employment gap and to build up savings for the future including a wished for child. But at 23 priorities are different.

OP, this may be the first example you've encountered of your different life stages adversely affecting the relationship. I get you don't want it to be factor. But you need to figure out how to manage these issues together rather than ignore them and pretend they don't exist.

Can you see that sometimes the age gap will be an issue? How do you think you might get past this?

Such rage at people because they think yabu. I'm really shocked at your reaction/overreaction! you and Dp are not going to be left homeless or starving. All this over a few weeks wage, what's outta your control is out of your control... (I've suffered a life of anxiety, depression and various disabilities, I came to that conclusion without a counsellor).

YABU. Spend your money on a counsellor you can work with. As you are ttc get your priorities straight. You don't need horses if you conceive, but you will need strong coping mechanisms, baby's aren't dolls, parenting is the highest pressure job in the world.

Btw Stat sick pay makes the rules on income/volunteering very clear...