To be angry DP isn't starting work until September?

[peskyfeelings]

DP was offered a new job over a month ago which he accepted. He immediately handed in his notice with the company he was at. He didn't have a start date for the new job when he did this.

There has been a load of hassle over references. His last company are admittedly utterly rubbish, and the whole thing just turned into a massive, unnecessary drama.

Now he has been told by the new company that they won't be giving him a start date until the beginning of September! This means that he won't have been working or getting a wage for two months!

AIBU to be really upset about it? We had planned to book a cheap, last minute holiday for the second week in September which I was looking forward to massively. That is clearly now not going to happen. It's been an awful year to be frank. I've been off sick with crippling anxiety/ depression, and now back working at a really stressful job. We are ttc and that's causing me massive worry as well. I really just needed a break soon (we haven't been anywhere this year) and now I can't even have that. :(

He just has such an "everything will be fine" attitude about stuff. Actually it's not fine. I'm now even more stressed than I was and going to have to carry the burden of paying the majority of our outgoings until end of September. I should add I'm no high earner either, so it's going to be a struggle.

TheWindInThePillows I'm currently on ecitalopram, but I'm tapering it off due to ttc. I have an appointment to see my GP on Wednesday. The therapy really isn't working though. I just feel I'm making no progress.

I really don't know what else I can do to improve my mental health. I've tried and tried. Going back to work at my paid job has just ramped up my anxiety. I've been sent to work at a new place, and it as an even heavier workload and more lone working than before. I'm looking for new work, but my confidence in my abilities is shot to pieces.

I'd hoped my DP would have started work this month, so therefore gotten some pay at the end of this month. I agree I am over fixating on the holiday, but I was so looking forward to getting away from everything and not having to worry for a week.

I would find a GP who is knowledgeable about AD in pregnancy and get some medication sorted. You are tapering off at a time when you don't feel better and you are taking on more responsibility and just returning to work. That doesn't make sense. You would be better off swapping to a different one if that one doesn't work, and talking about continuing meds in pregnancy if you feel your mood isn't stable.

I just think throwing a pregnancy into the mix might really tip you over again, or you may have an unexpectedly hard time in the pregnancy with morning sickness, and managing two jobs plus anxiety/depression is just going to be beyond you in those circumstances if you are not on top of your MH.

In all fairness it's not all my GPs fault. I was starting to feel better, but returning to work has set me back again. I'll talk to her about it on Wednesday.

I hear what people are saying about the pregnancy, but I've had depression my whole life. I might never get a real handle on it, so therefore do I just not try and become a mother? It's what I want more than anything and time is running out.

I understand wanting to get away in your position however, your life sounds completely chaotic and you need to sort things out.

Finish doing up the flat. He could do it while you're waiting for his job to start.

I worry that you're so broke and living rent free. Moving back home is all well and good if you have jobs to go to and the money to do it.

You're panicking about ttc. I get it. But all this stress certainly isn't going to help.

Frankly, a few days away would be nice. But not a necessity.

There's no point in telling you that ttc is a bad idea right now but please do keep working on your mh in the meantime. Make it your priority. Because pregnancy then a newborn isn't easy anyway!

OP don't put TTC on hold. It clearly means a lot to you.

And go on that riding holiday. Once you get pregnant you won't get chance again.

Take some time away to chill and relax. It will do you and your relationship the world of good and will probably help with TTC too.

Why are you wasting money you don't have on fertility reflexology? With someone who can tell you have a racing mind via your feet?!

He would never take me to court, or do anything cruel. He hasn't a cruel or mean bone in his body. He's the sweetest man I've ever met.

Yet despite being in his early twenties, likely pressured into TTC and supporting you whilst sick you begrudge him a break because you would have to pay.

If you split and you decide to return to your family miles away with his child you can't be niave enough to believe he would remain sweet and not fight for his child to stay.

You can't even afford rent so how will you afford childcare? What happens if the volunteer role goes (after nearly a year off sick and then pregnancy/maternity) they may want a volunteer who is actually there. Then what happens? Even your main job isn't stable as you have many posts about quitting it.

You're so focussed on what you alone want without thinking of any of the consequences. Either he's just going along with it to make you happy or doesn't realise the realities of a child and paying rent. It's a huge recipe for disaster.

I didn't take a year off sick from my voluntary role Dragons I haven't taken any time off it in the two years I've been doing it. It was my paid role I was off sick from, due to depression and anxiety.

I will repeat again that I have also supported him in the past when he has been out of work/struggling with his own mental health issues etc.

My main job is permanent, so it actually is stable. Yes, I hate it and I do want to change jobs. Is that a crime?

No, we couldn't afford rent in London. Just like many, many other people can't unless they earn mega bucks. We are in the fortunate position to be able to do so due to my voluntary job. Should that job no longer be available we have agreed to move back to north east where I am from.

We have no intention of splitting up. It's also very presumptuous of you to assume I pressured him into ttc. There was no pressure. It was a joint decision. I'm not the sort of person to pressure anyone. If he had said no to the idea then I would have respected that. You seem determined to turn me into a villain for some reason though...

But no, I don't want to use a chunk of the tax money covering a holiday for both of us. I want to put it in a JOINT savings account for BOTH our futures. Which is what I am still going to do. I'm not planning on spending a penny on myself.

Oh and I'm "wasting money" Penguins because I'm finding it really useful and literally the only hour of the week where I really get to relax and take time to myself. It is my only extravagance atm. I spend practically nothing on myself apart from that.

He's early 20s?

I think that changes things. Sorry, but I do.

No matter how much you've discussed things he has decades left to have babies.

He's young. He's in a different place to you in lots of ways.

I'm sorry but this has disaster written all over it. Don't let your desperation for a baby cloud your judgement.

You just went back to work but you already 'need a break'? I think you're being unreasonable because you are anxious and panicking. Really hope you've seen someone about your mental health if you are TTC and can feel a bit better soon.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say I think you're being a bit unreasonable. I don't think it's deliberate and your anxiety won't be helping. However, look at this practically.

Your partner is out of work for six weeks, not indefinitely. He didn't really do anything wrong - most companies want you to start a new job as soon as possible; in fact whenever I've changed jobs they've asked me to negotiate down my notice period if possible. They really should have made it clear when they expected him to start. Those saying he's been 'hugely irresponsible' are being ridiculous. He resigned with an offer in place - that's normal.

You're worried you'll be 'stuck with all the bills', but the cost of your accommodation - the biggest expense for most people - is covered. You have a tax rebate coming and, while saving it is very sensible, if you didn't have to dip into it in case of emergency, would that be the end of the world? At least you have the option.

You describe your partner as the sweetest man you've ever met. Don't let an unfortunate misunderstanding around his job ruin that.

I would like a break because I haven't been on holiday for two years.

I went back to my paid job yes. I was still doing my voluntary role even whilst ill. I certainly wasn't chilling out relaxing all day.

For context, both my roles involve supporting vulnerable client groups and are as emotionally draining as the kind of work usually is.

Thank you for your good wishes though expat I always admire your common sense on other threads.

Why does someone been young automatically have disaster written all over it? I haven't pressured my DP into anything. He's here of his own choice.

How about a compromise then? Perhaps a Christmas holiday some place warm?

I hear you Tatertots I can't believe they are dragging out his start date for so long either. I've never heard anything like it before.

I more than likely am reacting in an OTT fashion. It's been such a hard slog getting him into a decent, paid role and we've had quite a few setbacks. This not starting until September issue just feels like us being messed around again and it feels so dis-empowering.

I know we are lucky to have no rent to pay. Extremely lucky.

It's so hard to think rationally when your mind is fogged with anxiety. I hate it. I don't want to be really horrible to my DP. I really don't.

Why does someone been young automatically have disaster written all over it

It's not just one thing though. It's everything put together that's worrying people.
You have anxiety and depression
You have two stressful jobs
You've recently been off sick for mh reasons
You and dh can't afford to live in London if you lose your flat.
Not being able to go on holiday in September (but Oct would be OK) feels like a disaster to you
You think your dh is irresponsible and selfish (re job)
He is early 20s so possibly might not have the same impetus to have a child as you.

It might solve the question of which inlaws to visit at Christmas expat ;)

WhenSheWasBad Where have I said I think DP is selfish? I don't think he should have handed his notice in without a start date, but I've never called him selfish.

Am I not allowed a relationship because of mental health issues or because I'm not rich enough to rent a flat in London? I don't follow your logic.

I probably am overreacting about the holiday. I had been hanging my hopes on it for months, but I am willing to see that was an overreaction and let it go.

My DP probably doesn't have the same drive to have children now, but how could he? He is however adamant that he wants us to stay together, and that he does want children with me. Therefore we have to try now, as later it might be too late.

It's not ideal and more power to those readers in more comfortable situations than us. We love each other though and are doing the best with what we have.

Why does someone been young automatically have disaster written all over it?

It doesn't. But along with everything else yes, I think it has potential to be disastrous.

Someone mentioned you posting before about him. How old is he and how long have you been together?

In your early 20s having six weeks between jobs isn't a terrible thing. You hang about a bit. See your friends. Watch Netflix, whatever. NOT all young people of course. But at that age it's acceptable.

When you're nearly 40 and desperate for a baby because your time is running out its a different story. You have to pay rent. You need finance security. You need money for a million things. You need baby furniture, prams, a car that fits everything, car seats, clothes, nappies etc etc.

You're anxious that he fucked up when you have all this stuff going on. But usually that stuff doesn't go on when you're young.

And, sorry, but it's quite selfish what you're doing.

You enter a relationship with someone that much younger, especially when you're a woman because you have to worry about menopause etc, then you should be willing to accept that children might not be a priority for your partner and that there's a possibility they might not happen!

I think you sound really hard on him. He's in his early 20's he is going to make mistakes. I don't think this is a healthy relationship for either of you to bring a child into.

I will repeat.

My DP wants us to stay together long term. I was adamant at first that it was not going to be a long term thing. He has demonstrated to me over time that he wants it to be. In his eyes there is simply no other option for him other than a life with me. Should I dismiss his wishes and end things because they might change? Anyone's feelings can change at any time.

My DP also wants a child. A child with me. Therefore it has to be now, because I am getting older. He knows that. He accepts that.

I haven't forced him to have a child. I have told him he is free to make any choice he wants. I told him that calmly, honestly and with no manipulation. He is not an idiot, and is capable of making his own decision.

I already accept children may not happen. It could already be too late for me. Who knows.

I'm not looking to him to be my security providing meal ticket. Were he not here I would still have this flat, and my life would continue in the same way. It is a case of the job setback triggering my anxiety and my negative thoughts. I am trying my best to tackle my anxiety, but it cannot be turned on and off like a light switch. I wish it could be.

I am willing to be told I am being unreasonable in the work thing and I am willing to take it on board.

I am not willing to be told I am a selfish, baby hungry manipulator who (according to some here) has no right to the things everyone deserves.

I'm not forcing my DP to have a child. Anymore than I forced him to get a job or have a relationship with me. He is young, but he has also chosen this relationship of his own free will. He is free to leave at any time.

Also, it's not that staggeringly unrealistic to expect someone in their early twenties to have a grasp of finances surely? I had my own flat at that age. I had rent to pay, bills to meet, food to purchase. I'd have been buggered if I'd been out of work for six weeks!

I don't even mean the above in relation to just my DP. People have responsibilities like that at his age and even younger. I certainly did!

Yes of course people can be sorted by that age. But it's ok for them not to be.

How long have you been together? And what age is he?